Deceive Me, Rape Me, Kill Me, But Never Lie To Me.

Chapter Three - Childhood Memoirs

"Darling there's no sense in running,
you know I will find you,
everything is perfect now
we can live forever"
-Evanescence, Surrender

The world blurred after I heard the door swing shut. I fell to the floor hugging my knees to my chest and started rocking forth and back, forth and back. My head felt numb. I felt as if my whole world had come crashing down around me in a mere ten minutes. How had I come to this? Oh, yes now I remembered. I had fooled around with Fucking Draco Bloody Malfoy when my whole being had screamed for me not to do it, but a certain member of mine had spoken for me, and I had thrown myself at him like an animal.

Angrily, I wiped away the tears that streamed down my cheeks, threw the towel away from me and started dressing.

"Why?" I asked to nothing in particular. The word echoed in the silent room.

***

Draco stood in the semi-darkness of the unused classroom and waited, for how long he did not know. All he knew was that Jack would certainly not come by this classroom any time soon. Just as Draco was leaving, he heard it - the sound of someone walking. It was faint, but the sound was growing louder in the stillness of the castle, coming ever closer.

***

Jack had cheated on him. He had cheated on him and said nothing at all and it had hurt him more than anything ever had. He felt numb, like a useless doll thrown in a corner left to rot. Why? That was the simple question buzzing in his brain, the one that seemed impossible to answer. Had he done something wrong? No - no, that couldn't be it. Everything seemed to have started after that Quidditch match a few months ago - or, to be more accurate, after Jack was released from the infirmary. So, just what had happened at the infirmary that he did not know of? Jack had not said anything particular about when and where it had happened. Of course, Harry could have asked, but he just had to get away and think. Right now, a good way of thinking was wandering the silent halls and corridors of Hogwarts where no one was around to disturb him - or so he thought. A black figure suddenly leapt from nowhere and threw itself at Harry, he let out a muffled yell, and they landed in a heap on the floor.

"Got you!"

Harry looked up to meet silver eyes and platinum blond hair.

"Get off of me!"

"Wha -" The black figure hastily got up and looked down at whomever it was that he had attacked.

"What do you think you're doing?!" Harry sneered, getting up from the floor and dusting himself off. "Hasn't your oh-so-precious father taught you not to attack random people?"

Silence. Harry was sure Draco was holding back some nasty comment and held the steely gaze.

"Has the cat got your tongue, Malfoy? Who exactly did you think I was? Jack?" Harry asked, taking a menacing step forward.

"That's none of your business, Potter!" Draco bit out, straightening his back.

"Oh, but I think it is, Malfoy," Harry said, dangerously calm. He could feel his anger boiling, but was intent on not letting it surge to the surface. Stay cool, Harry, he reminded himself as he locked eyes with his hated enemy. Stay cool.

"Really, Potter?"

"Yes, really, Malfoy," Harry said in the same calm tone and took a few steps closer to Malfoy not breaking the eye contact. "And do you know why? Because if you don't let him be, I assure you, you will come to pay for it."

"Oooh, now I'm really scared, Potter," Malfoy said closing the distance between them in a stride.

"You'd better be!"

"In - your - dreams!" Malfoy whispered.

"No!" Harry yelled; he slammed Malfoy into the stone wall behind him, eliciting a whimper from the other boy. "You will leave him alone! He doesn't want to be with you! Can't you see what pain he's in, you blind fool?"

"Obviously you can't see his pain, either," Malfoy said calmly; he tried to straighten his clothing, but was hindered by the fact that Harry was still holding him firmly in place.

"What do you mean, Malfoy?" Harry demanded through clenched teeth.

"Well - why, for instance, aren't you with him now? It would only seem natural that you'd be with your precious boyfriend if you care oh-so-much for him and don't want him to be in pain." Malfoy smirked down at Harry, looking utterly superior.

Harry just stood there, his fist clenching a handful of Malfoy's robes, and glared furiously into the silver orbs in front of him, their noses almost touching.

***

One foot in front of the other. My thoughts flying. Memories of how my Father told me of the Great Saviour of the Wizarding World, the first lecture in the Dark Arts and my first wand, plagued my mind. An image of my nanny, Madeline, being thrown out of the Manor as my Father discovered that she was reading Muggle literature for me flashed across my mind. I was five at that time.

I missed her.

To be correct, I had missed her ever since the day she was thrown out, and to lessen the longing for her warm embraces, I secretly wrote letters to her. She would write back to me as fast as she could telling me tales of fairies and unicorns and of vicious Were-wolfs and Dark Wizards. That went on for some time until, one day, she no longer replied to my letters. I knew that my Father had made sure to cut off the contact - I knew because he made me suffer by the Cruciatus Curse that night after dinner. I remember that he ordered me to stand up and not move an inch before he gave permission to do so... he said that I would do well with a lesson in discipline and obedience. For a time he stood in front of me, not talking; his eyes bored into mine, daring me to look away, which I did not. At some point, he left. He left me to stand and freeze in the cold, dark dungeon. I don't know how many hours I stood there. I remember that I was woken by somebody - that somebody being my Father - and he was lifting me up in his arms and carrying me to my chambers, telling me how good a boy I had been and how proud he was of me.

Proud? Jack snorted. He had never done as was expected of him. Always gone to the left when they went right up was down, east was west. Rules were only made to be broken, why else make them?

The years flew by and I was taught more Dark Magic than should be allowed. My father decided with whom I should socialise. Of course, only families with a high social standing and someone who would bring an abundance of wealth to our family would qualify. No less could do, no sir. Often, my family would have grand dinner parties with top politicians, Ministry employees, and other wealthy pure-blooded wizarding families.

My parents were always sickeningly polite at times like those. It was nauseating, if one was to ask me. I always tried to just ignore the things happening around me, greet the guests, laugh at the appropriate times and give the right compliments to the Bulgarian Minister's wife and who-not. When they had all dined, I politely excused myself and went out to the garden to a special spot of mine. We had a small forest not far from our house, and not far in there was a clearing with a spring and a small river. The moon would often be shining on those strolls, and it was a good place to think and get away from everything.

I had found it when I had broken a large, extremely valuable vase that had been in the family for generations. My Father had looked absolutely livid; horrified, I had run as fast as my legs could carry me out into the garden and into that little patch of forest, and collapsed in a clearing. It was not before I had caught my breath that I had taken in my surroundings. It was like a picture cut out from a fairy tale: the sun had been setting, making the water on the small river shine; a small rainbow, one of those that would glint off of the water, had been visible from the spring in-between two large stones, and the bugs were buzzing here and there. I had stayed there until dusk, and when I left the fairies were dancing on the surface of the water.

There was one particular time that I thought I was alone, but faith had it different for me. Someone had followed me. Not just anyone, no; Draco Malfoy who had hid in the shadows, stepped forth. His hair and skin shone unearthly silver, and his eyes were a dark shade of grey. And I just stood there, gaping at him. He smiled then, and moved to sit on the stone next to me.

"Beautiful weather tonight, don't you think?" he asked, looking at me.

Hurriedly, I closed my mouth and nodded.

"Why'd you leave?"

"Just wanted to get away, be on my own," I said, looking out over the water. "What about you? Why did you follow me out here?"

A minute passed, and he began talking about something different all together.

"Today I went with Mother and Father to Diagon Alley and I met this weird boy. Believe it or not, he liked a big bloke called Hagrid -" he spoke the name with great disdain "- probably a Giant by his looks - who's the caretaker at Hogwarts. You've heard of him right? Father has told me that he sometimes gets drunk and he sets fire to random things. Anyway, this boy - I'm telling you he really was strange, didn't say much, though, I asked him loads of questions, -"

God, could he babble.

"- asked about Quidditch, houses at Hogwarts, and things like that, you know, and he just stood there looking at me like -"

Where is the mute button for this boy?

"And then when he left, it looked as if he actually was glad to be rid of me! Can you believe that?"

I'd be glad too, at the moment, I thought studying a stray fairy just behind Draco's head.

"Um..." I said, shrugging noncommittally.

"He did look like a sort of weakling, not destined to be a Slytherin, I'm sure. He didn't have it in him, it was in the way he walked and everything... and you should have seen his clothing! Rags, they were. One should think that no one cared for his wellbeing at all."

"It's not everyone who is born into wealth and great status among people." God, wherever you are, make this boy just shut up, please!

And as if on cue, he stopped his endless babbling.

The fireflies glowed in the moonlit clearing, and the stars strewn across the sky twinkled like small diamonds. The fairies soon danced on the small lake, shining in colours of the rainbow.

"This place is beautiful," Draco breathed, taking in the sight in front of him.

"And peaceful," I added, looking at his awed face. His eyes shone with the light around us and his hair was like a halo around him, making him look like an angel.

He suddenly looked in my direction and our gazes met. Neither of us wanted to look away, least of all I, as I did not want him to think that I was shy and then see that cocky smirk crawling across his features.

I do not know which of us moved, but one of us did, and suddenly we were mere millimetres apart from touching. It felt as if time had stopped and held its breath only for us in that moment, as if everything depended on that what we did next should be right or the world would scatter around us. My mouth suddenly felt utterly dry and my lips itched for moisture, so the logical thing was to lick them, but he was so close and it would be impossible not to also, by accident of course, touch his lips with my tongue. And so what, a voice reasoned within my head, are you scared? It teased me, and I could almost hear its mirthless laughter. Oh shut up, I told the voice in my head and licked my lips. What happened next just happened, as he parted his lips in a surprised gasp, as my tongue ran over his lips and closed the remaining millimetres between us. His lips were soft like butterfly wings as he nibbled my own. All the while our eyes were locked as we explored each others mouths, and when we finally broke the kiss, a bit out of breath, he took my hand and led me up to the manor without a word. We never had anything serious, we were only fooling around.

* * *

I halted in front of a staircase and smiled at the memory. So, it would seem that he still wanted to have something to do with me, after all; at one time he had avoided me as if I was poison.

It started in third year, when I woke him because he was tossing and turning in his bed, the sheets a tangled mess around his body. When he finally came to his senses, he tried to scurry away from me as if my touch burned his marble skin, even refusing my offer of help. He snapped at me and said that he could take care of it himself, thank you very much! I was a little hurt at that time, but shrugged it off as typical Malfoy behaviour.

It got worse as time passed. He literally avoided being in the same room as I was, and when he was around me he would always ignore me as if I were one with the concrete stone walls. He barely spoke to me, and if he did, it was never much. Several months where he behaved like this passed by, until he gradually began talking to me and not scurrying away whenever I entered a room he was in, or the other way round. I never mentioned it to him and we continued our friendship as per usual.

Then along came fourth year, bringing with it the Triwizard Tournament and Harry. It was just after the competitors in the championship had been announced and I had taken a stroll out on the grounds that I met him by the lake, staring into the dark, glassy surface of the water. He looked up as I stopped a few feet from where he sat and then returned his gaze to the lake.

This continued for a while: I came to the lake, and he sat there, as if expecting me to show up, and we would then sit in silence until one of us got up and we would walk back to the castle in perfect silence.

One night it changed. The moon was high in the sky and stars were twinkling like miniature diamonds artfully sprayed across the night sky. I was sitting beside him when he spoke up.

"Hey...."

I was a little taken aback but stammered a reply.

"H - hi...."

"I," he started, as if uncertain, "like when you're around. I - I don't feel so alone then."

At a loss for what to say, I looked at him, really looked at him. He looked so lost, so fragile. His eyes were dull and sad and he had bags under his eyes. I had this strange urge to take the boy in my arms and never let go. I wanted to protect him from this cruel world and lift the weight off of his shoulders that seemed to weigh him down. I reached out, tentatively, and laid his hand gently on Harry's shoulder.

"I like being here," I said, squeezing his arm, and placing mine around his shoulder. "With you," I added as an afterthought.

He looked at me, surprised, but moved closer and laid his head on my shoulder.

"I feel like everything is possible when we're here together, alone. I feel like I'm free - free of everyone's expectations and hopes and I can finally just breathe. Sometimes...." He paused, as though uncertain if he should continue and spill his heart to me.

"Go on," I urged pleasantly, giving him what I thought to be a reassuring squeeze on his shoulder.

He drew a shaky breath and continued eyes on the water.

"Sometimes, I want the time to stop. I want us to be able to sit here forever, hidden in the darkness and shadows around us, and - and never leave." When he finished, he looked down in his lap as if he expected me to howl with laughter or ridicule him. Well, Slytherins didn't really have the reputation of being the most understanding and caring persons of the school, so I understood his behaviour.

"Me too," I whispered. He didn't look up, and I wasn't sure if he had heard me. "Me too," I repeated, a little louder this time, and he slowly gazed upwards.

His cheeks were a little flushed, those green orbs wide and staring at me, lips a little parted. I smiled at him and he flushed more deeply, but didn't break the eye contact. We sat like this, staring into each others eyes, the silence around us stretching into the night.

"Can I kiss you?" he suddenly whispered, and I blinked at him in surprise.

I just looked at him, not responding, and he suddenly made to move away from me, looking down.

"Sorry, sorry, I - I shouldn't have said that, sorry," he rambled on, edging away.

I laid a hand on his and he froze and looked up.

"What are you babbling about, Harry?" I asked, a smile on my lips.

His eyes became wide and he blinked in confusion

"You called me by my first name," he said, stunned.

"And what's wrong with that? I like your name, Harry," I almost purred, and he flushed deep pink

"Not really anything. It's just - just -"

"Just that you thought I would call you Potter like every other Slytherin around?"

"Well - yeah, kind of." He gave a little smile. "I could give you all the names they use for me, but the list is pretty long."

"Yeah, I know," I said, looking out over the lake. We fell into a comfortable silence. I could feel Harry watching me, but I kept my eyes on the water.

"I never thought that I would be able to like any Slytherin at all, thanks to Malfoy. But, hey, here you come along, and see what's become of it." My eyes slowly turned to lock with his.

"You should smile more often, you know. You're beautiful when you smile." This made Harry blush yet again, and I smiled.

"So, how about that kiss?" I asked, leaning in on him.

"Yeah, what about it?" he said, and leaned in also.

As our noses touched, we both stopped for a split second. I guess we both needed confirmation from one another that this was alright with the other person. Our searching gazes met. I remember that his lips were so soft... I didn't expect that at all. I thought his lips would be rough, as I'd never seen the boy use lip balm even once in all those years he'd been at Hogwarts.

My left hand crawled up his neck and I laced my fingers through his silky soft hair. He copied me seconds after and we both breathed a sigh of contentment. I slipped my tongue out and traced his lip, and he parted them eagerly. As our tongues met, a shiver ran down my spine and I closed my eyes. The kiss was delicate. There was no hunger or hurry, just plain exploration and amazement at the whole situation. It all seemed so surreal.

* * *

My smile widened as I went travelled down memory lane, and I unconsciously traced my lips with my fingers. Maybe those days were gone now. No more seeing Harry smile, no more seeing him blush like a shy little schoolgirl, no more strolls at the lake at night after curfew, no more... no more....

My feet stopped moving and I took in my surroundings. I was standing in front of the Fat Lady, and just behind the portrait I knew was the Gryffindor common room.

I'd really blown it this time, hadn't I? Maybe he would come around again, if he could forgive me. If, ha, as if! Who was I fooling but myself? I should have never - never - touched Draco. If I had done that this would never have happened, I should have refused him that night in the infirmary. If I had just stopped him, pushed him off when he had kissed me... I was with Harry, for Christ's sake! I loved him, I loved him so much, and it hurt, hurt so much knowing that he was no more, that we were no more....

My knees buckled and I fell to the floor. My eyes were burning, but I didn't let the tears spill. My breath caught in my throat, and soon it all began to spin, faster and faster and faster. My head hit the floor and the spinning subsided a little. I closed my eyes briefly but hurriedly opened them again, as images of Harry flew by as long as they were shut.

I sat down on the floor and hid my face in my hands. My eyes were moist and I could feel hot, wet tears streaming down of their own accord. I angrily whipped them away, disgusted at myself that I hadn't been able to control myself. What a weakling I am, I thought dimly, registering that the flow of tears hadn't yet stopped. I sat back against the solid stonewall and decided to wait for Harry to come out of the Gryffindor common room the following morning. I would ignore everybody's questionings and weird glances towards me; Harry was the only one on my mind.

* * *