Recover Your Soul

If you want to know what Snape's decision was ... reread POA and see for yourselves.

 

 

 

Baby you're missing something in the air

I got a name but it don't matter

What's going on, it's cold in here

You have a life but it's torn and tattered

It was only a few more hours until the Christmas feast when Albus Dumbledore finally found time to make his way into the dungeons. He didn't usually come down here. He didn't like the place. It was cold and dark and the low ceiling felt like it was closing in on him with every step. Altogether depressing. But what he was intending to do was important. Not that he had to do it himself. It would probably have been better if somebody else had done it, somebody less 'important'. But it would have had to be their own idea. It wouldn't do to just send somebody and he had waited for someone else to do it for years. Therefore he had decided to finally go and talk to Severus Snape himself. He hoped that Severus would understand that he wasn't coming as the headmaster of Hogwarts or as Albus Dumbledore, maybe not even as his friend. No he was coming as an anonymous messenger to say the things that needed to be said.

Why did Severus and the Slytherins like it so much in the gloomy dungeons? It didn't do them any good. Severus was too depressed and cold anyway. He shouldn't be living in such depressing and cold surroundings, but maybe that was why he wouldn't leave the place, because it was a mirror of his internal sadness.

Maybe you're losing pieces of your heart

You have a world but it stopped turning

You lose the day and gain the dark

Love was a fire but it stopped burning

Albus stopped in front of Snape's office door. What if it was too late? What if Severus' heart had already gone as cold as the Slytherin dungeons? No, he wouldn't, couldn't, believe that. Severus was hiding from his feelings of guilt and loneliness in his empire of darkness in the deepest regions of the castle. He was too afraid to return to the day lit world of the others. Too afraid of being rejected. So he surrounded himself with darkness to scare them off.

He remembered well, the boy Snape had once been, mischievous and cocky and always ready to smile. Of course he had had his share of problems, even more so then most, but he had been so alive, a temperamental child, full of fire. Yes there had always been fire underneath all the ice and Dumbledore was convinced that it was still there though the layer of ice was so much thicker now.

Spare your heart, save your soul

Don't drag your love across the coals

Find your feet and your fortune can be told

Release, relax, let go

And hey now let's recover your soul

Severus looked up in surprise as he entered. He was grading tests. Burying himself in work to make himself forget his loneliness.

"I just came to remind you that the Christmas feast will be starting in a few hours. It seems you forgot about it last year. We all missed you."

"Missed me? You were glad I didn't come, weren't you. I'd surely have spoiled the festive mood. I didn't forget, Albus. I know I don't belong there. I don't fit in with all the happy people. That's why I never come. You don't have to feel obliged to drag all your 'little Hogwarts family' together. Not where I'm concerned. They're all happier when I'm not around. I scare them, Albus. They don't want me there."

"Nonsense, Severus! They did miss you. I was there. I saw it. Maybe you do scare them off with your coldness sometimes, but they wanted all the staff members there. As do I. They'd like to be your friends, if only you'd not push them away every time they try. Try to open up to them, try to really talk with them for once and you'll see. You just have to make an effort. You've fought much more difficult battles in your life. Try to fight for some friends instead of curling up in your dungeons feeling sorry for yourself!"

Lazy old sunset sinking like a tear

Alone at night in a losing battle

That perfect world is never clear

You have to fight for the things that matter

Severus turned away from him facing the dark wall of his office. As everything in the dungeons it was painted black. A world of eternal night and loneliness. Dumbledore shivered. If only Severus would try to decorate the room a little, put in some personal items to loosen it up a little. And by personal items Albus didn't mean all the creepy potion ingredients lined up in bottles, jars and vials on every shelf. Those things were haunting. Like the demons of Snape's past. Those memories he couldn't seem lo leave behind. Dumbledore knew, though Severus had never mentioned it, that Snape still was woken by nightmares every night reliving again and again the horrors he had gone through in his time as a death eater. He had joined Voldemort like so many others hoping to create a better world, but all he had found was his own personal hell. And in a way Albus had made things worse. Severus had come to him for help, looking for either a way out or for a quick death, thinking that Dumbledore would help to end the torture. But Albus had been too intrigued by the chance to have a spy within Voldemort's inner circle and had made him go back and risk his life in an ever tightening net of lies an deceit. Yes, the information Severus had provided had been priceless, had saved many lives, would even have saved the Potters if it hadn't been for Wormtail, Voldemort's own spy. But the horrors Severus had gone through were torturing him to this day. He didn't see the lives he had saved. All he could see were the ones he couldn't save. Like the Potters. What must it do to Severus to see their orphaned son every day. But he was denying the pain, pretending to hate Harry instead, because he couldn't face his real feelings.

Spare your heart, save your soul

Don't drag your love across the coals

Find your feet and your fortune can be told

Release, relax, let go

And hey now let's recover your soul

"You're still feeling guilty, aren't you? After all this time and all the things you have done for us you still see yourself as a death eater. But you have done more than anyone could have expected, more than seems humanly possible. It is time you put these things behind you."

"Put it behind me? What I have done is unpardonable. How could I, what right do I have, to forget the deaths I caused? The dark mark is burned into my flesh forever to mark me for what I am. No matter what I do they could never forgive me, never be my friends. Yes, maybe I could go up there and pretend I'm one of them. Tell them lies that I haven't betrayed everybody I ever was friends with. I am a traitor to both sides, Albus. That is what they'd say if they knew the truth about me. They could never forgive me, never."

Spare your heart, save your soul

Don't drag your love across the coals

Find your feet and your fortune can be told

Release, relax, let go

And hey now let's recover your soul

"They already have. Don't you think they can guess what's wrong with you? They may not have seen the mark, but they've all noticed how you always hide your arms. They may never have heard your story, but they all see how you react whenever anybody mentions the war and they all know how I always had inside information on Voldemort's plans. But they never have questioned you about it, have they? They've never shunned you. They don't mind and they would be your friends, if only you'd forgive yourself and be theirs. You don't have to be constantly on your guard , Severus. Give them a chance and let go of the ghosts of the past. You don't have to take my word for it. You can go up there and try." Snape didn't react. Slowly Albus turned and walked to the door. But he stopped one more time before he closed it behind him.

"It's your choice if you want to join us or not, Severus. Please think about it. You still have a few hours to make up your mind. I hope you're going to give us a chance."

And hey now let's recover your soul