Nevermore...

Clutching my cure,

I tightly lock the door

I try to catch my breath again

I hurt much more

Than any time before

I have no options left again

I don't want to be the one

The battles always choose

Cos inside I realize

That in the one confused.

I don't know what's worth fighting for

Or why I have to scream

I don't know why I instigate

And say what I don't mean

I don't know how I got this way

Ill never be alright

So I'm breaking the habit

I'm breaking the habit

Tonight.

***

"Tell this soul with sorrow laden if, within the distant Aidenn,
It shall clasp a sainted maiden whom the angels name Lenore--
Clasp a rare and radiant maiden whom the angels name Lenore."
Quoth the Raven, "Nevermore.""

There is a place for my head, and it is as far away as possible as the place I rest my heart.

My soul lies between. But may my head never influence mine heart again...

Quoth the Raven, "nevermore."

And people say I'm smart

You are smart, too smart for your own good. Now you've lost her and she's not coming back.

His heart is performing insane acrobatics... making him feel distinctly uneasy. Love felt like this too.

What a world

Is it where

A soul can not see

Between love and despair?

It's true. It's that utterly lost feeling in the pit of your stomach. It's the dizzying heights and the harrowing lows. That sense of utter helplessness, you're lost, floating in a world you don't understand and you don't even have a map. Despair hurts and love hurts even more. How can you win? You can't. You have to give in. you have to admit to yourself that it's over. You can't fight a feeling that strong.

Now look back at that and decide if it describes love or despair.

You moved on... not to greener pastures, but to safer ones, ones without commitment, ones without love. Of course you didn't know it was love until it was too late and she was already gone. And that was your fault. You didn't so much scare her away as scare yourself away. The thought of caring about one person scared you; you're not that kind of guy. So you ran off into other girls open arms, three other girls waiting sets of arms in fact. Just to prove you didn't really need her and she didn't mean anything to you.

The guilt nearly killed you didn't it?

The first time you did it you lay on your bed gazing at the ceiling, waiting for her to come find you. You knew she would. At this time you didn't think she loved you. But you were both young... and you didn't know what it felt like to be used. It didn't cross your mind that she would be doing that. Seeing as she's so beautiful and you're... just not. She seemed to be constantly surrounded by guys in those days. You weren't jealous because you had no reason to think she would be unfaithful. She wasn't like that. She was choosy when it came to boyfriends. They were normally handsome, but intelligent. They were strong, but soft and emotional. They were not like you. Nothing like you. You were average height, dark golden blond/ brown / almost amber hair, brown eyes, relatively tanned skin and a pretty shocking body. Slightly *ahem* underdeveloped... she always talked about what she liked most in a guy. Blond hair, blue eyes, great body.

I asked her if she would rather a guy who had a good body and a small prick, or a guy who had a shit body and was hung like a horse. She chose the pin-dick. I knew she would. I didn't dare ask her if she would rather... over both of those, a guy with a pin and a shit body. I knew she would laugh; blind to see the obvious, but I would be describing myself.

I tried and tried to make myself good for her. I got in with bad people to make myself look good to her. She wasn't impressed. She had so much self discipline. Training 24/7 to become the best female Quiddich player our country had ever seen. She could too. She could fly without a broom that girl... I bought her a tiny golden snitch on a sliver chain for her fourteenth birthday. It wasn't much, and it didn't cost much, but my money was going other ways back then.

My drug money. Not hard drugs. Not necessarily illegal drugs. But drugs none the less. Diet drugs ('I'm fat' the influence of the people I associated myself with) alcohol ('I'm ugly' another one of their influences, drinking until I was unconscious eased the pain) weed ('I'm sick of this life' that was me. I was sick of that bullshit life. Im sick of this bullshit life. This is all a big fake. Back then it was a fake to be cool now it's a fake to be innocent. All I can do is lie now. To my friends my family... my self. All the people who I used to trust).

She came and found you then, didn't she? She found you lying on your bed and she had a go at you.

You didn't trust her anymore. The other guys you were 'friends' with now had convinced you she was fucking around behind your back. They convinced you to get with that chick. You kissed her a couple of times. Big fucking deal. Actually you only kissed her once.

She told you she cared about you

You couldn't even look at her. But the sound of her sweet familiar voice was filling your brain. You pushed it out. You pushed her out too...

"Be that our sign of parting, bird or fiend!" I shrieked, upstarting--
"Get thee back into the tempest and the Night's Plutonian shore!
Leave no black plume as a token of that lie thy soul has spoken!
Leave my loneliness unbroken!--quit the bust above my door!

You told her to fuck off. You told her you knew she didn't want you, you knew she was fucking around on you.

You didn't tell her you knew she was using you. You did know how it felt to be used.

Yet

She was really hurt when you said that. She would never do that. She wasn't like that.

Suddenly the dam broke and you rushed to her and held her in you arms and swore you were sorry. You were. And the guilt was gone too. It wasn't going to happen again.

******

You were ever struggling with the despair of loneliness... the despair of hatred.

Not normal hatred. A hatred of yourself. You despised yourself. Not as much as you would in times to come, but you hated yourself more then than you ever had in your past.

You ran to her again. The same girl. She was not pretty. Not at all. She had no striking feature and was not an all out beauty like your girlfriend.

But she was there and she wanted you bad. You didn't know why... maybe it was a case of the two lesser beauties of this world taking comfort within each other. You didn't love her. You hardly even liked her. She was just... not as intimidating as your girlfriend. You girlfriend turned heads in the streets, she made a room light up when she walked in etc. She made people stop and actually ask others around them

"What's she doing with a guy like him... yech!!!?"

I asked myself the same question. Over and over...

She found out that you kissed that girl again. That's all it had been. A kiss. Then your guilt set in and you had to stop. But she found out. And she was hurt.

She didn't know about the girl who sucked you off in the bushes.

She would never know about that... you're not even sure if she knows today.

That's the girl that used you.

She was popular and ok looking. She used you to get to your friend. The one that made you self obsessed and stopped you sleeping at night. That fucking dickhead. You hate him. You could kill him with you bare hands. He ruined it for you... a whole year wasted on mindless drugs, diets and parties.

Months of enduring your mental torture. Calling me fat, calling my skinny. Calling me ugly then telling me I'm beautiful. All this until I'm too fucked up the know what to think. All that... but worst off all... your disapproval of my love. Your constant "accidental" ragging on her. Even when you spelt her name wrong all those times! You infuriated me! I hate you!

But now after all this... you were waiting for her. You weren't lying on your bed. You weren't sitting in your chair. You weren't even on the goddamn floor! You were outside. Lying on the cold ground. You didn't even deserve the roof over you head.

That's what you kept saying at school that day, when you found out she knew. You ripped off the beautiful silver bracelet she had given you for you fourteenth birthday and gave it too me. You told me you weren't good enough for her, you didn't deserve her.

I've never seen you so distraught. Never. Not even this year when they were going to expel you for something you didn't do. Not even when your cat died. I've never seen you run like that. You ran down those stairs at break-neck speed and crashed through the swinging doors to the prefect's bathrooms. You locked yourself in that cubicle and cried all day. No-one could get you out. She wasn't there of course, she didn't even know where you were, being at different schools and all.

But she came to see you that night. The little pop from the fire place and the sound of her gracefully stepping out of the grate. She didn't know where you were. She looked all over your room before she noticed to curtains fluttering in the breeze.

You knew she was outside even thought she made no sound and you had your eyes shut. She wasn't even wearing her perfume. You loved that perfume on her.

I bought a bottle of it while we were together, to remind me of her when she wasn't around. I used to spray it on my pillow before I went to sleep.

I found that bottle the other day... but I've been with so many girls now that have the same perfume, it seems cheap and dirty. Until I sprayed it. I sprayed it... and it smelt so different from the way it smelt on those other girls... it smelt just like her and I cried until I passed out.

She just stood over you. You wanted to ignore that she was there. You were succeeding until you felt a small wetness appear on your cheek. Her tears. She was crying.

She was hurting you with her tears. Your guilt seared your soul, but her sadness hurt you somewhere deeper... it hurt your heart.

You realized now that you loved her. But you saw that she might not love you back.

You realized that your heart was breaking.

You saw the end.

"Why?"

"I don't know..."

"NOW I KNOW WHY THEY ALL TOLD ME TO STAY AWAY FROM YOU. YOU ARE NO BETTER THAN WHAT THEY TOLD ME YOU WERE!!!"

Who are they I wonder?

Take thy beak from out my heart, and take thy form from off my door!"

"Get out of my mind (take thy beak from out my heart) and get out of my room (and take thy form from off my door)...

Three syllables she said before she left. They rocked me to my core and I shall never be rid of them

("Quoth the raven, 'nevermore' ")

She said to me

(Quoth the raven)

"I love you"

('Nevermore')

*********

I cut her deeply when I cheated on her. But I can think of one person who was cut even deeper.

You're still blaming yourself. You know it was you fault. I'm not denying you did wrong. But what you did wasn't entirely evil. How can it be if you are so sorry now?

You still think about her... you hope one day you may meet by accident. There will be a huge fight about who's the bigger bitch, but end up in each others arms. Both crying and telling each other its ok and we love each other and we can try again.

But even as you sit in your chair, like you do every night, and you think about the day and you pretend to study or sleep or whatever, I know your only thinking of one thing.

Soon she's going to pop out of the fire grate...she did it once before. Even if she only stayed for a little while. Even if she did it by mistake. The only reason we didn't talk properly is because we had only just broken up, and wound was fresh. ...even if... excuses excuses...

You know you're kidding yourself, you know you're wasting your life.

But even now, when you should have forgotten her. After all the times you used girls last year and had girls use you. After all the fights and detentions. After threats and bouts with insanity. After spending 1/3 of last year in deep state of depression and de-hydration because you were crying all the moisture in your body away. After betraying friends, family and yourself. After the injustices. The crazy unfairness that was ruling you world. After the lack of self respect and starvation... after all that and more. After everything you have been through... you have to accept it. You have to accept the truth. You have to go back to life when Josh Sharna didn't know Katie Fenen. This is a friend calling out to you Josh... cant you see that, on the eve of the day it ended, you're waiting in front of the fire, like you always do. But honey... she's not coming back...

You're waiting for someone who isn't coming.

Fin

I'LL PAINT IT ON THE WALLS

COZ IM THE ONE AT FAULT

ILL NEVER FIND A CURE

AND THIS IS HOW IT ENDS