Three's a Crowd

Three's a Crowd

You hate it when they do this. You hate that you've fallen in love with the holy trinity but the other two haven't. You hate that they prefer each other's company to the force of your awesome trio. You hate that they always prefer to walk next to each other than with you, occasionally remembering to cast fond looks in your direction, but then moving closer to the other and not even noticing you glower.

You don't want to be jealous. You stop yourself from looking at her that way. You resist the urge just to grab her arm and fly away from your other best friend, the one you once thought you'd do anything for, the one you used to fiercely swear to yourself that he would always come first, because you were mates, and mates stay true to each other.

You thought that for a very long time.

The solid foundation of your oath began to crack when he began to show that he didn't, as you had always imagined, think like you. He didn't think you saw her like he did. He didn't think a lot of things and he didn't even ask.

It irritated you at first. You happened to be sitting next to her and the moment you got up, he stole your seat. You sit somewhere else and turn your head away, but the irritation stabs deeper when she moves closer to him and they start laughing quietly.

You start to loathe the way he always manages to get so close to her. You despise the way she murmurs only inches away from his ear. You force yourself not to watch them.

They'll stop it, you think, nothing's changed between us; and you wait for them to look back at you and include you in their laughter.

They don't look back.

Your jaw is clenched and you feel horribly aware of the presence of more closeness on their behalf.

You're mad at them.

Obviously.

You just want things back to how they were.

No, you don't.

You want her to yourself. You want what they have. You can't go back now; you've been betrayed. You want him to hurt, him to sit glowering on the sidelines, him to hate you.

He was supposed to be above everybody else, he was supposed to be Your. Best. Mate. He was supposed to be into another girl, someone who was attainable, and not off limits.

Hermione was off limits. That's what you thought. That's what you thought he thought.

And it was up to him to settle down first. Then you could find a nice girl and settle down also, and Hermione could marry an intelligent bloke who you had both approved.

But your teeth unclench slightly when you think about the last statement. How did that make sense? How could you handle her going off with some unknown bloke when you couldn't even handle her and your best friend?

Because, you think. Because, because.

He can't do that to you. It's not fair. After all you've been through, you can't just be thrown to the sidelines. It's not fair to ruin your already perfect friendship with both of them, how dare he take advantage of Hermione's warmness to him; you would never do something like that, you would die before you let your trio down.

You three belong together. And not in some sexual, perverted way, you just belong. And if not together, then everyone separate. That's how it works. That's how it's fair. No one's left out; or you're all left out.

But they don't see that. They probably don't even understand that. You thought that they thought like you, but they don't. You thought they knew how you felt about them, but they don't. They thought you accepted them, but you don't.

You're beginning to hate them. Not only do their actions annoy you but their faces when they look at you starts to grind maliciously on your nerves. The warmth she used to look at you with is all used up. Her eyes don't focus upon your own anymore, but slightly into the distance, so you know that while she talks to you, she's thinking about him.

Your anger continues to well up as your brooding continues. You can't even go back to her anymore. You can't have what you used to want with her. She's on his side now and maybe she never was on yours.

Sometimes, you think that she still needs you. These occasions grow fewer, as she and him grow closer. Sometimes, you think you see that glimmer come back into her eyes, the one that promises her to you, and the rest of the world be damned.

But the next day it's gone and you feel a pang of loss instead of hot anger like you usually do.

Maybe she didn't look at you the way she looked at him. Maybe you were too stupid to see this, too blinded by the glorious ideal of your perfect trio. Maybe you did see this but you pushed it firmly away. Maybe they saw this but they didn't care.

And of course they didn't care. They never cared for you. Not how you cared for them. You cared for them with your life and soul. You loved them painfully, heartbreakingly. You saw them differently from everyone else, you are the reason for their success, without you, they'd just be another couple of nameless students in the mass. You cherished them. You needed them.

You still need them.

You hate them.

They only add to your troubles.

Your mountain high stack of troubles.

Wishing and hating, you want what they have, but you're always left out, you'll always be left out.

A big part of you yearns for them.

A bigger part knows you belong alone.

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