Marauders' Love

Chapter 2: Falling Apart, 1981 - 1996

Years later, Remus Lupin stood at the graves of one of his best friends and his wife. He couldn't believe what had happened. All around him people were celebrating the end of the Dark era. It seemed as though he was the only one left out, the only one who could never be happy again. As the truth began to sink in and tears started falling down his cheeks, Remus remembered:

They were so happy together. With their new-found identity as the Marauders, they felt like the kings of school.
Some time during their sixth year, Sirius and James even stopped with their bullying behaviour. Remus knew that James and Severus still loathed each other deeply - a hatred that absurdly only increased through James having saved Severus's life that night in their fifth year - and that they did not miss an opportunity to hex each other. But James and Sirius no longer tormented Severus in front of the whole school.
And so it happened that for once in history no old prefect was chosen as Head Boy, but James Potter, who fully deserved it, alongside with Lily Evans. That seemed to finally make Lily realise that James was no longer a "bullying toe rag" as she had always put it, and they started going out together a short time into their final year at Hogwarts. Remus could not remember ever having seen James happier. He was truly happy that his friend had finally found love, too, after Sirius and Remus had been experiencing it for two years at that time.
As Sirius turned seventeen and with that came of age, he got a place for himself, in which the four of them met up during school holidays. This opportunity gave their lives and friendship yet another quality.

Despite things having turned out well for them, Dark things happened in the wizarding world while they were at Hogwarts. A Dark wizard had risen to power and assembled supporters around him. The war against Lord Voldemort was in full swing. You couldn't know whom to trust any more. The only organised resistance was around Dumbledore, who founded the Order of the Phoenix, which all of them entered once having graduated at Hogwarts. But not even the members could be sure that none of the others was a double-agent.
Still there were also happy things taking place in the middle of the war, like Lily's and James's wedding and later the birth of their son, Harry. And above everything the lasting love between Remus and Sirius and the strong bonds of friendship among the Marauders.

But the more witches and wizards went over to the Dark side, the more the pressure rose on the four Marauders. They could be almost sure that one of them had turned spy, and started suspecting each other. Even Sirius and Remus were affected by that, though they remained together as a couple.
Then Lily and James had to flee with their son, because they got a tip-off from Dumbledore that Voldemort was after them. They were concealed by a complicated charm, but the betrayal came from within.
That was the night that ruined all of Remus's life. Sirius, the only one who could betray the whereabouts of Lily and James, did so, and openly turned to the Dark side. Voldemort moved in to kill all three Potters, but when he turned to little Harry after murdering his parents, the spell somehow backfired and he lost all his powers in one night. With his master ruined the night he openly claimed loyalty for him, Sirius had to flee.
But he did not get far. Only a couple of days later he was tracked down by Peter. But before Peter could do anything, Sirius had blasted him apart and was then tracked down by Ministry wizards and brought to Azkaban without a trial.

And that was where Remus stood right now, in front of the pieces of his old, happy life. James and Lily were dead, and so was Peter, all of them murdered by Sirius, their fellow Marauder, who had turned Dark and was in Azkaban, probably for the rest of his life. Remus knew he would never love any other man as much as he had loved Sirius Black, nor would he ever again have such great friends as those now dead.

The following weeks were a cause for celebration for almost every witch and wizard, except for Remus Lupin. Only rarely did he leave his apartment, and he brooded over the questions that had haunted him since the night of the Potters' death.
How could the man he had loved for so many years, the man he thought he knew better than anyone else, have turned to the Dark side right in front of his very eyes? Why didn't he notice? Could he have prevented the death of his friends? And, what was more, if Sirius was such a good actor, had he ever truly loved Remus, or only used him for his sick cause?

For the next twelve years, Remus completely lost his grip. He couldn't get any job, because he was a werewolf. Caught in poverty and the grief that still held him in its grip, the temptation to go savage and join the other werewolves, who had abandoned life among wizards and witches, grew stronger and stronger.

But then, in the midst of all his despair, word reached his ears that Sirius had broken free of Azkaban. And next to the flame of the old love roared a flame of fury that wanted revenge for all the lost years, all the pain he had suffered.
And the ideal opportunity came up almost immediately. A request from Dumbledore, who was still headmaster of Hogwarts, reached Remus.
Would he like to come back to Hogwarts and teach as Professor for Defence Against the Dark Arts? He would be able to profit from a recent discovery, the Wolfsbane Potion, that would make his transfigurations less painful and less dangerous. The staff would be filled in, but no student would know his true identity.

Remus accepted this chance for an almost normal life, and he never had made a better choice. Although it hurt to be back at Hogwarts, where he had been happy so many years before, he felt it was the right place to be.
It became obvious that Sirius wanted to hunt down Harry Potter, who had conquered his master Lord Voldemort. The boy was currently in his third year at Hogwarts. And so Remus made it his duty to protect and defend him, because he felt he at least should make sure that he saved the life of the son of one of his best friends, after he had failed to save that best friends' life. And by making sure Sirius didn't get his final prey, he would pay him back for what he had done.
And besides, the presence of Harry was oddly comforting for him. He knew that the boy had suffered as he had. Losing one's parents at the age of one, and growing up under such horrible circumstances as Harry had with his Muggle relatives, had surely left a mark upon him. And Harry looked so much like James and had so many things in common with his father that Remus felt almost as though one of his friends had returned.

Harry Potter was extraordinary, in more ways even than James Potter had been. His early childhood trauma made him vulnerable to the Dementors guarding Hogwarts against Sirius. He fainted when meeting them on the train, and then again later during his first Quidditch match, when the Dementors made an appearance. Harry begged Remus to teach him how to fight the creatures, having seen him use the Patronus charm on the train. He did not want to loose another Quidditch match because of them. And Remus agreed, feeling it would not only help the Gryffindor Quidditch team, but also prepare Harry for possible future scenarios. What better way to protect him than to teach him how to defend himself against the Darkest creatures? The boy had a talent at Defence Against the Dark Arts that rivalled that of James and mastered the Patronus charm much sooner than could be expected of an ordinary third year.

But Hogwarts held some unpleasant surprises for him, too. Hired as Potions master was none other than Severus Snape. Dumbledore told Remus that Severus, who had joined Voldemort's followers, had turned back to their side, even before Voldemort's downfall. At first Remus did not believe it. But as the year passed on, he found Severus was making him a perfect potion each month, keeping him healthy and relatively untroubled, though his dislike was obvious. As obvious as his dislike towards Harry.

One afternoon Remus caught Harry in trouble with Severus, who accused him of having sneaked out of school illegally and had taken a bit of old parchment from him - a bit of old parchment which Remus recognised immediately. As he stared down at the Marauder's Map, emotions raged in his tormented body. But the most important thing was to get Harry out of trouble, so he made up an excuse to Severus and took Harry along with him. The boy was playing with his life, sneaking out of the castle when someone known to be after him was around! But still, how extraordinarily like James he was even in that. Remus, remembering his self-imposed task of protecting him, made it plain that he did not approve of Harry's life-risking behaviour when James and Lily had given their lives to save him. He took the Marauder's Map from Harry

And then, one evening as Remus sat in his office, studying the Map, he made a startling discovery. The Map showed Peter Pettigrew in the company of Harry and his two best friends. How could that be? The Map never lied, Remus knew that. But Peter was dead, he also knew that. He watched and saw Harry, his friends, Peter, and Sirius, who seemed to drag Peter and one of Harry's friends, disappear towards what he knew to be the Shrieking Shack. He decided to investigate.

He was not prepared for what he found at the end of the tunnel. Sirius was lying on the floor, having just been attacked by Harry. The two other children were crouched in one corner. No sign of Peter.
At the sight of Sirius, emotion rose in Remus's chest. Sirius's once-handsome features were destroyed, his eyes sunken, his skin waxy, his hair long and unkempt. What had Azkaban done to him? But before pity could overwhelm him, Remus remembered what Sirius had done. But yet, the Map had shown Peter, who was supposed to have been murdered by Sirius, and the Map never lied. And Sirius knew Peter lived.
"Where is he, Sirius?"
Sirius slowly raised his arm, pointing at Harry's friends in the corner. And then Remus saw him, sitting there in his rat form, in the very room where he had first seen him like that, and realisation began to sink in. He turned back to Sirius.
"But then... why hasn't he shown himself before now? Unless... unless he was the one... unless you switched... without telling me?"
Sirius nodded silently. The flame of love roared higher than ever in Remus's chest as the flame of fury died. He pulled Sirius to his feet and into a tight embrace.
So Sirius hadn't betrayed James and Lily after all, and he hadn't killed Peter, and he had always loved Remus. James had been more than right in trusting him. But James had been wrong in trusting Peter. Peter, who had betrayed the Potters', who had turned over to the Dark side, who had faked his own death and with that landed Sirius in Azkaban to save his own stinking skin.

But before they could round on Peter, they had to explain the situation to Harry and his friends. Remus managed to get them to listen, but in the middle of the flow of his story, Severus revealed himself from under James's old Invisibility Cloak that Harry had left lying at the Whomping Willow. But before he could do any harm he was defeated by Harry and his friends, who seemed eager to listen to Remus's story until the end. And although Remus did not like it, he left Snape lying unconscious on the bed: it was of the utmost urgency that Harry understood. And he did seem to do so.
Finally he and Sirius could move in to kill Peter, who had caused all the trouble, all the pain, all the death and all the separation. But Harry prevented it; he stepped in between Sirius, Remus and Peter and begged them not to kill.
"I'm doing it because I don't reckon my dad would've wanted his best friends to become killers - just for you!" he spat at Peter.
Remus had to suppress a grin. How very much like James Harry was. He shot a look at Sirius and they lowered their wands.

After binding Peter, they made their way out of the Shrieking Shack. Once out in the grounds they started walking over to the castle where Peter would be handed over and Sirius's name would be cleared. Remus's heart did a kind of drum roll inside his chest. He would be together with Sirius again and they would have all the time in the world to make up for twelve years of agony, and they would never be separated again.
Then a cloud shifted to reveal the moon and Remus knew in an instant that he was about to ruin it all. He felt his wolfish character struggle to break through. He fought against it, but it was too late. He had not taken his potion that night. And as Sirius jumped in front of the children he knew that Peter would escape, that Sirius would have to flee again, because no one would believe their story.
The werewolf had won. Sirius had transformed into the dog and was dragging him towards the forest, away from Harry and his friends.

Remus stayed in the forest all night and only returned to his office at dawn. Shortly after he came back, there was a knock on the door, and Dumbledore entered with a serious expression on his face.
He told Remus that Sirius and Harry had almost been kissed by Dementors, but that luckily Harry had managed to conjure a Patronus large and bright enough to chase away a hundred Dementors. Remus felt his chest swell with pride: he had taught Harry how to conjure a Patronus, and now Harry had saved himself and Sirius with it. He truly had saved Sirius, Dumbledore then told him. Sirius had been brought to the castle to officially get the kiss performed after the Dementors had retreated from the lake. But Harry had rescued him and he was now fleeing on the back of the Hippogriff Buckbeak, one of Hagrid's creatures, who had also been sentenced to death and been saved by Harry and his friends.
Remus felt the happiness of the last night return. So Sirius was alive and safe! But before he could savour it, Dumbledore looked at him sternly and told him that he now knew about Sirius, James and Peter having become Animagi. Sirius had told him the night before. And although Remus knew that Dumbledore was not nearly as angry as he should be, he felt bad about it, because he had betrayed the trust of the one headmaster who had made his life at Hogwarts possible in the first place.

He remained in his office staring out at the window until midday when Dumbledore came back to tell him that Severus had let slip his being a werewolf at breakfast. That was all Remus needed. He knew he should feel sorry, but he couldn't stop the swelling happiness inside him. He would resign now and then be able to follow Sirius, see him again, be alone with him again, finally get the comfort he had so longed for over the past twelve years.

And so he left Hogwarts again in high spirits to follow the one he loved above all others. The only thing that made him feel a bit sad was parting from Harry. He could tell that the boy liked him, and he felt the same, knowing that he wasn't alone in that either after Sirius and Harry had finally met the night before. So he did all he could, gave Harry back the Marauder's Map, since he was the only son of a Marauder and therefore it was his by right anyways, and told him that James would have been proud of his disobedient son.

When he came home there was a letter from Sirius waiting for him.

Dear Moony!
I'm sorry that we did not have enough time to talk last night. There's a lot I'd like to know, I need to know, and I guess you're feeling the same.
I think I'm right in guessing that you cannot keep your job at Hogwarts after what happened last night. I would feel sorry for you, if that didn't mean that you're able to come with me.
I'm not saying where I'm going right now, in case this owl goes astray, but I trust you'll find me. I'm looking forward to spending some time with you again.
Hoping to see you soon,
In love,
Padfoot

The letter made him even happier and when he replied that he'd be leaving the same day, he had tears of joy in his eyes for the first time in his life.

Remus found Sirius somewhere in the south, and moved in with him into the magical tent Sirius had set up for himself. He was happier than he had ever dared to hope he would be, with the love of his life finally at his side again. But still, the memory of the last years could not be forgotten, and sometimes Remus saw a veil come down behind Sirius's eyes, a veil that had been created in Azkaban. They had both come to know loneliness in its hardest and most brutal form.
But at least they could recover now, and Remus was relieved to see that some of Sirius's good-looking features came through once again.

They had unlimited time together here underneath the hot sun, and they talked a lot about what had happened during the last twelve years.
"When I was in Azkaban, all that kept me sane was the thought, the knowledge, that I was innocent," Sirius said one night as they were lying together in the tent.
"But you knew you had my love."
"I hoped to have it again when I could be free and prove that I'm innocent. The Dementors don't leave a single happy thought in you; all that was in my mind was how I had disappointed you. I was sure that I'd lost your love."
"I thought so, too. I wondered, if you're such a good actor, if you'd ever truly loved me at all."
"Of course I did, and I still do! You're the love of my life, Moony. No Azkaban can change that, even if I couldn't remember how happy we used to be."
And with that he pulled Remus closer to him and kissed him. His kisses were as fierce as before, though Remus could feel that his body had suffered. But he thought that his own body must feel the same. After all, they were not getting any younger.

Later that summer they were lying underneath the palm trees in the sand, listening to the waves lapping against the shore and enjoying the coolness of the night after what had been another hot day.
"Why is Dumbledore letting old Snivellus teach at Hogwarts? Doesn't he see that he's bad down to the very bottom of his soul?"
"Dumbledore trusts him, Padfoot."
"And you, Moony? What about you? Do you trust him, too? Do you trust him even though you know what he was capable of doing when he was still at school? All the Dark magic he liked even then? Or did you try to bring Dumbledore to his senses?"
"I had my doubts at first, but if Dumbledore trusts him, we should, too. Trusting Severus means trusting Dumbledore's judgement. And who're you, talking about what Severus was capable of when he was still at school? If it hadn't been for James, Severus would be dead now."
"And if it hadn't been for Snivellus, James would probably still be alive. He was a spy, Moony, working for Voldemort! And what's all this about trusting Dumbledore's judgement or not? I trust Dumbledore, and I know he's the greatest wizard of our time, but he can be fooled. We fooled him when we were schoolboys, Moony! Do you think that a really clever Dark wizard couldn't fool Dumbledore? And after all, Snivellus is clever, whatever else he may be."
"A schoolboy joke is not the same as allowing a potential spy of Voldemort to come into Hogwarts. I don't think Dumbledore would have entrusted Severus with the things he has if he had the slightest suspicion that Severus was still working for Voldemort."
"A schoolboy joke? What are you talking about, Moony? You know perfectly well that you're dangerous when you're transformed. We let you out of the Shrieking Shack in that state! You could've bitten half the school if you'd given us the slip."
"I know, Padfoot, and I'm still ashamed of betraying Dumbledore's trust. But still, I think there's a difference between that and the case of Severus."
"See, you're still ashamed of betraying Dumbledore's trust. But you never told him, because of us, because of what we were facing if someone found out about us being unregistered Animagi. So do you honestly think that Snivellus would care? A clever spy of Voldemort would never feel the slightest regret, and of course he wouldn't betray his master for the sake of Albus Dumbledore, no matter how good Dumbledore is to him. And what made Dumbledore trust him anyway?"
"I don't know, but there are things Dumbledore doesn't share with everyone, and for good reason. So I think we should just stop debating this, it won't make any difference anyway. And we've already agreed long ago that Severus is not worth fighting about."
"You're right, Moony. I just think that I'll never trust him, nor like him."
"I can understand that, but just accept that he's working alongside us now. He made me the Wolfsbane Potion, and he made it perfectly; he kept me healthy for a whole year."
"I know, and I appreciate that. But I still don't trust him. He probably didn't dare hurt you under Dumbledore's nose. It would've been too obvious."
"Yeah, but anyway, let's just agree that he'll always be a point for disagreement between us."
"I suppose he will. We'll see who's right in the end."
"I hope we will."
"Of course, Moony! We'll stick together now. No more believing the other turned Dark."
"No more believing the other turned Dark, right. And now let's use the time we have."
Sirius grinned at him, his features closer to their former handsome look than they had ever been since he had left Azkaban. Then they kissed.

They could've spend the rest of their time like that, but after less than four months the signs all showed that something Dark was happening in Britain, at Hogwarts, and they decided to fly north. Back home their ways parted again.
"Moony, you have to understand that I want to be as close to Hogwarts as I can. I'm Harry's godfather and I want to be around in case anything happens."
Remus had to smile at Sirius's fatherly feelings. He knew that he cared a lot about Harry, probably even more than he, Remus, did. And Remus accepted it, even if it meant that they had to part again.
"But where do you want to stay?"
"Dumbledore told me about a cave in the mountains around Hogsmeade. I guess I'll stay there in my dog form. But we cannot stay there together, that'd attract too much attention."
"I understand, Padfoot. Just take care of Harry. And promise me that you'll stay out of trouble if you can."
"Moony, you know me."
"Yeah, I suppose. I just don't want to lose you again."
"You won't, I promise."
"Okay then, you know where to find me if you need me."
And with that he kissed Sirius and left.

Remus stayed in his apartment for almost a year, watching what was happening at Hogwarts. Then what he had feared happened at last.
At the end of June Sirius appeared on his doorstep with terrible news: Voldemort had managed to get back into a body and with that was very close to taking over and seizing power again. Harry had witnessed it and only narrowly avoided being killed.
And what was more, the Ministry refused to believe Voldemort was back, which made things a lot easier for him.
For a couple of days Sirius stayed at Remus's place, on Dumbledore's orders.
"I knew it would happen. I just knew it. Something was going on there."
"It's okay, Padfoot. Thanks to Harry we know about it and Dumbledore was able to act immediately."
"I know. Harry's brave, isn't he? He's a lot like James."
"Yeah, I feel it, too."
"It's so good to be around him, it's almost like having James back again. I won't let anyone harm a Potter this time. I'll be on the watch, I'll be at his side!"
"We all will, Padfoot. We're much better prepared this time."
"Yeah, you're right, Moony. Voldemort should have a harder job getting to power this time."
"He will. And I'll never let myself be torn away from those I love again."
"Nor will I. I love you, and we'll stick together this time and pay him back for what he's done."

Dumbledore had recalled the Order of the Phoenix, and Sirius offered his family's old house in London as headquarters since it was ideal for that with all its magical protection. That meant Remus and Sirius had to move in there. And since nobody had lived there for about ten years except an old house-elf there was a lot of cleaning to be done. It proved rather hard work: some really nasty things had settled in.
What was more, Remus could feel Sirius's mood continually sinking. The Ministry was still after him, and because Voldemort now knew about him being an Animagus, thanks to Peter, his disguise was useless. So Sirius was trapped in the house he had thought he had left forever. Remus tried to cheer him up, but he had work to do for the Order and was often absent.

Shortly after they had moved in, all the Weasleys and Hermione Granger came to stay, too. And about a month later, Harry arrived. This seemed to cheer Sirius up, but after they all had returned to school he was left quite alone again in the house he so hated.
Remus began to worry, and talked to Dumbledore about Sirius, but Dumbledore insisted that Sirius remained inside. So he could do no more than trust Dumbledore's judgement, though Sirius's mood constantly fell and he even started shutting Remus out.
Then, at Christmas, Harry, Hermione and all Weasleys returned and it gave Remus a lift to see how Sirius's mood was suddenly better than it had been since he came back to this house in the summer. But as soon as they all left again, Sirius's depression returned.

It went on like that for another six months. Then one evening, as some of the Order were meeting at headquarters, word reached them that Harry had been lured into the Ministry of Magic where Voldemort's Death Eaters were waiting for him. They all left at once for the Ministry, including Sirius, who turned a deaf ear to the protests of some of his fellow Order members.

...

And that was where Remus stood right now, in the Ministry of Magic, where Sirius had just been defeated by his Death Eater cousin Bellatrix Lestrange and had fallen backwards through the veil on the basin in the Room of Death.
Remus knew that, this time, there were endless years of despair stretching ahead of him, with no hope that somehow, miraculously, Sirius would come back. He had just lost the love of his life forever. He would never love another man as much as he had loved Sirius Black.

He turned and found Nymphadora Tonks, one of Sirius's more decent relatives, staring at him. Tears were streaming down her face and Remus found himself walking over to her, half because he thought of giving comfort to her, half because he was hoping to receive comfort from her. As he held her, a thought crossed his numb mind: there was still one other Black family member left in his life. And wherever Sirius was right now, he would not need Remus's love any more.