To Have Loved and Lost

"Are you tired?" Whispers in the night, warm breath on a pale neck, shadows streak across the room cast by the branch of a tree caught in the moonlight. The night is still and beautiful. He is still and beautiful.

"Not especially."

"It's almost a full moon. And you know how I get, around the full moon..." A hand caresses a thigh suggestively.

"Hairy and slobbery?" Severus Snape smirks as his lover slaps him gently. He turns to the man beside him who is eyeing him with mock indignance, and kisses pouting lips. Tongues and hands search out and savour every inch of skin, tantalisingly slow at first before picking up pace. Moans pass from the dark-haired Slytherin's lips as a hand gropes lower, fingernails rake lightly across the other man's back, teeth nip an erect pink nipple causing the werewolf called Remus Lupin to arch in pleasure against his partner. Another heated kiss is shared before a pain like a white hot brand paralyses Severus's left arm.

A skull expelling a writhing snake from its mouth burns black on his skin.

They draw apart. Remus is sighing.

He hates this. He hates the mark. Hates to see the same crude image that shone like a beacon over Godric's Hollow sixteen years ago blazing on his lover's arm. And he fears what it might mean, what else it might take from him.

"I have to go."

"No you don't," Remus's eyes gaze pleadingly into the face of their love, their idol. "You could stay and tomorrow tell Dumbledore you don't want-"

"You know why I can't do that." The words are quiet but they pierce Remus like a sword, and make him love Severus more. He nods resignedly and hangs his head.

He watches as Severus rises and begins to dress in silence. Remus gets up and helps him with the remaining clasps on his cloak, then traces his fingers up his lover's neck into inky black hair. He wants to feel Severus against his skin, wants him to leave a lingering impression that Remus can really feel when he has gone.

"Be careful."

"Arent I always?"

A chaste kiss.

"Don't wait up."

"I won't sleep properly, knowing you're out there."

"Take something."

"No."

They kiss again, and draw apart. Severus brushes a thumb across Remus' cheek before turning to go, to leave Remus to wait and wonder. Was that the last time?

Dawn comes, and goes. Breakfast begins in the Great Hall, and ends, and Remus is worried. Dumbledore draws him aside- "Where is Severus this morning?" Where indeed. Remus's lips have difficulty forming the words, but the anxiety in his eyes speaks volumes.

"I'm sure he'll turn up." A reassuring squeeze of Remus' arm does little to comfort him. By midnight he is beyond comfort. By midnight Dumbledore has none to give anyway- he fears the worst. They all do. Minerva is tearful. Flitwick is fidgeting. Sprout is patting Remus on the hand. Sinistra is throwing him pitying looks. Remus is silent.

That night, alone, he cries. How many more loved ones is he doomed to lose? First his parents, then James and Lily, Peter, Sirius, then Sirius all over again, and now Severus.

Students are asking before long. And Dumbledore tells them, "Called away indefinitely." Many are glad. Many make jokes of it. Remus punishes them for it.

Harry, and in turn Ron and Hermione, are puzzled by Remus's moods. And then, of course, it is a matter of minutes before Hermione realises but says nothing. A scandal is the last thing Remus needs right now.

Months pass. Spring draws near. Severus, it seems, is not coming back. Dumbledore blames himself. Remus blames Dumbledore briefly but soon forgives him. Severus was always adamant he should return to the Death Eaters to spy; it was Severus' wish, Severus' choice, not Dumbledore's.

And Remus hates him for it, and loves him for it, and lost him for it.