Survivor's Guilt

Chapter 1: That's just it, isn't it?

It was dark in the Sirius' bedroom at Grimmauld Place. There were cobwebs covering most of the windows and the lamps. In the corner was a small figure. She sat on the floor with her head on her forearm and a glass of Ogden's best in her hand. She looked exhausted. There were dark circles under her eyes that were accentuated by the darkness of the room. There were track marks from long dried tears on her cheeks. I walked up beside her and sat down beside her. She didn't even raise her head.

"Wotcher Remus," she said in a barely audible whisper.

I said nothing and pulled her into my arms. We sat there for a while. Her breath was shallow and labored. Her sadness was enveloping. I couldn't help but wallow with her in the events that occurred over the last week.

The moonlight was streaming through the window casting long shadows across her face. She raised her head and looked at me with eyes the color that didn't normally belong on her face. They were a deep hazel. They were Sirius' eyes. Her hair was still short but hung limply around her face. It was her normal pink but faded and included black streaks that I don't think were intentional.

She looked like she hadn't slept in days. But that's it, isn't it? She can't sleep, eat, or do much of anything. The sorrow in her eyes was more than evident as she tried to stand. She stumbled, which wasn't unusual in her case, but it was a drunken stumble today. I grabbed her hand to steady her just in time.

"Remus, I..." she trailed off. She looked at me with those eyes and began to cry.

I wrapped her in my arms and rested my chin on her head.

"Shhhhh" was all I could say to her. I was afraid that if I began to say anything that I would join her in her tears. At this moment, she needed me to be strong.

I lead her out of the room and brought her into the sitting room. I went to the kitchen to make tea but ran into Molly.

"Oh!" she said. "You startled me! I was just coming to bring you and Tonks some tea and biscuits." She handed me the tray with a knowing smile and then turned around.

"Dora?" I asked her as I set the tray down. "Are you hungry at all?"

Hazel eyes met mine once again. "Yeah, I guess so. I haven't had anything to eat since yesterday."

I started a fire in the fireplace and grabbed a somewhat clean blanket from the back of the settee. I wrapped it around her shoulders as she munched on her biscuit. I was rewarded with a small smile for that. She was always cold. That's why Molly was always trying to get her to eat more. It's not working. She's losing weight like it's going out of fashion now. I don't think that it's intentional, but it's starting to worry us all.

She leans against me when I sit on the settee. "Better?" I ask her and she nods.

"Thanks Remus," she whispers as if she doesn't have the strength to talk. But that's just it, isn't it?

***** *****

I'm so lucky to have good friends and family. Family. There it is again, the memory of Sirius floating back to me. Oh, yeah and it's accompanied by that ever present guilt. I can never escape that feeling. It is the most defeating thing I've ever felt. It's my fault, all my fault. That's why I'm sitting on his bedroom floor right now.

I'm drinking to old memories. Good memories. Gods I miss him.

Do you miss me? Can you ever forgive me Sirius? You know that I wouldn't have intentionally let this happen to you, right? I just need to train more, work harder, be faster. I just need to know that you forgive me.

I'm afraid to see everyone else. I'm afraid that when they look in my eyes they'll know that it was my fault. I can't bear to see the look on their faces. Especially Remus. He's the one I've hurt the most. He just found you again and I ripped you away from him.

This is a guilt that I cannot live with. I feel so unworthy of his friendship. I can hear him in the hall and I know that he's coming looking for me. What do you say after something like this happens? How do you continue on? I've taken away his best friend. I cannot deal with this now. I want to get up and move but I lack the strength.

I hear his soft measured footsteps as he approaches me.

"Wotcher Remus," is all I can manage. I think it was audible. I'm not sure. I haven't spoken for three days. Three days? Or has it been longer than that? I'm at a loss for time. I cannot even remember how long you've been gone.

Do you hate me for not knowing how long it's been since I took your life away? Can you forgive me for hurting Remus? Can he forgive me?

As if reading my mind Remus pulls me into his arms and just holds me. He utters a quiet "shhh" in my ear. I'm so grateful for him yet again. I don't know how he does it. He's always composed and kind. Even when I know that he's suffering greatly here he is comforting me. Gods I must look pathetic.

The rest of the day was a blur. I found myself sitting on the settee eating a biscuit with Remus besides me. How did I get here? Am I still drunk? Probably. If you have to ask, you probably still are.

What do you think of this? Am I crazy for talking to you? Do you even want to hear my apologies? Do you care?

I start rubbing my hands over my face. I need to stop talking to no one. I feel insane. Maybe I am. Maybe that's an after effect of the curse Aunt Bella hit me with.

I can't help it. All I want to do is talk to Sirius. I miss him so much...

***** *****

My coffee tastes like soap. I guess I didn't do the dishes well at all. I don't care though. I just keep drinking it. It's been a while since I've been back to my flat. It's pretty clean for me. There are only three piles of paper and mail on the table. My laundry isn't done, but at least it's in the basket and not on the floor.

I like my flat. It's a second story one bedroom. It over looks London, well sort of. If you stand on your tiptoes and squint you can make out some of the downtown area. Whatever. It's a nice place regardless of the view. I have a lot of space for just me. I don't have the furniture to fill it up, but that's a work in progress. I'm hardly here anyways. I'm usually at Grimmauld.

I haven't been there in a while. It was too hard. I know it was a prison for Sirius, but I always see him there. Running down the stairs when I arrived with the biggest smile on his face, or sitting in the kitchen doing the crossword from the Daily Prophet. Then when I'm having a bad day I see him sitting in his room drinking and sulking around. That's been my image lately. I had to get out of there before I began to always remember him that way.

That's a lie. I really left because of Remus. I still feel so guilty when I look at him. I don't want him to know though. I couldn't tell you why, but this belongs to me. I want to own it and not share it. My own form of torture I guess. I don't want him to absolve me of this. I'm afraid that he won't be able to anyways. I can't let him know. So that is why I'm sitting on my squishy chair drinking soapy coffee. I'm avoiding everyone.

I know this won't last. They'll all come looking for me saying how concerned they are for me. Bullocks. I just want to be alone for a little while longer. It's not like I like to torture myself, but this belongs solely to me and I can't face them. Not yet. Soon. Maybe.

I sigh deeply and sink into the chair. Have I eaten anything yet today? No. What is today? Friday? Bugger, I don't know if I'm working or not. I get up and stroll to the refrigerator to check my schedule. Yup. Night shift. Gawd. Some days I really hate being an Auror. I guess that I should get presentable but I don't care that much.

I throw my black Auror's robe over my torn jeans and ripped t-shirt. I try to do something with my hair but as I look in the mirror, I just shorten it. I like the color, bubblegum pink with black streaks. Those came about after Sirius died, same as the hazel eyes. I think I just wanted to carry a bit of him with me for a while.

I head out the door and set the wards behind me. I'm going to be early for work but I can catch up on paperwork then. I Apparated to the Ministry's foyer. I'm greeted by the friendly face of Arthur Weasley. I can't avoid this one. Damn.

"Wotcher Arthur," I say as I try to make it to the lifts. Not quick enough. It closes in front of me and I turn to speak with Arthur. He's looking at me with that face. The "and how are you really" face. I hate that face.

"Tonks," he says as he nods. "Molly wanted me to invite you to dinner tomorrow, and she won't take no for an answer."

He gives me a genuine smile and I agree to go to the Burrow after my shift on Saturday. I know they mean well, but I don't think I can be the cheerful person that they all expect.

I just need to shake it off and start my day. This is my mantra today. Shake it off, shake it off. I sit down at my desk and attempt to get my paperwork in order.

There is a soft knock on my cubicle. I look up into the face of my partner Jade. She is rather tall and skinny with gorgeous wavy auburn hair and full lips. Her body drives all of the single Aurors to try and partner up with her. She's curvaceous and sweet, but she's my partner. Being the only female Junior Aurors, we decided to band together.

She gives me a smile and sits down in the chair opposite me. She scans my face and says tentatively, "Ready for this?"

"Hell yeah," I say to her. "Just got a memo from Kingsley. Suspected Dark Wizard in Hogsmeade. Ready?" I rise from my seat. I'm not ready to be talkative quite yet and I think she knows that. She nods and follows me to the Apparition point in the foyer.

We Apparate to Hogsmeade and start to interview the woman who filed the report. Turns out the suspected Dark Wizard was Mundungus Fletcher. I sighed deeply and explained to her that Dung is just a crook, not a Dark Wizard. She did not like this explanation. Once we calmed her down by telling her that we'd look into him a bit more, we went back to London.

"Gawd I hate dealing with this stuff," Jade said curtly. "Why can't it ever be a real Dark Wizard?" She's been chomping at the bit to elevate her status by catching a real bad guy for a year.

"Soon enough we'll be inundated with the Dark ones. You'll be begging to arrest thieves like Dung for a change of pace," I said to her quietly. She looked at me with her eyebrows raised and continued next to me silently.

***** *****

Saturday at the Burrow. Dinner was lovely as per usual. We had a full dinner which ended up being nearly four courses. Molly outdoes herself every time. There were twelve of us in attendance tonight; six of the Weasley clan, Remus, Mad-Eye, Kingsley, Emmeline, Sturgis, and myself. Bill and Charlie were there too. It sure was good to see them. It's been ages since Charlie and I were in Hogwarts together. He never comes home enough for any of our sakes.

Remus and Bill chatted about Order business and Gringotts. This segued into Bill and Charlie trying to top one another with near death experiences much to Molly's chagrin. They persuaded Remus to retell some of their favorite Marauder stories that had us all in stitches by the end of the first story.

I haven't seen Remus in nearly a week. That is far too long. He's an amazing friend and I can't believe I've left him to grieve alone. I feel guilty all over again. I get up and excuse myself from the table and head towards the garden.

I start day dreaming of Sirius again and how great of a story teller he was. I feel a hand on my shoulder that slows me down and turns me around. I look up into the familiar eyes of Remus. His expression mirrors my own. The pain of the past two weeks catches up with us both and we cry and hold one another for what feels like an eternity.

***** *****

Burnt bologna. That's what Ministry coffee tastes like. It's terrible but I drink it anyway. Another form of torture I suppose. Give my body physical pain that can somewhat relieve the emotional. I'm quite sick of drinking gross coffee, but the tea selection here is just as bad. It's less work to just pour the coffee.

I'm on desk duty. Again. I'm exhausted beyond anything I've ever felt. I don't sleep for more than two hours a night. No amount of sleeping potions seems to help either. All I want to do is just close my mind to the past two weeks. I can't take the feeling of failure and pain that never leave me. I know that no amount of brooding will help my situation, but it's all I can do.

I received a letter from Remus last night. I couldn't bear to read it then. I sat and stared at the envelope for a few hours. I know that I'm hurting him, but I can't bring myself to perform the slightest task that is anyway related to my life in the Order. I turn it over in my hand and touch the carefully written words on the front that compose my name. He always takes such care to make everything legible. My handwriting is a barely legible scrawl. He amazes me this way, always careful, always considerate of others.

I break the seal and begin to read.

Nymphadora, it reads. I wanted to get in touch with you and since you seem to be avoiding me, I guess this will have to do, for now. I want to meet with you for dinner here at Grimmauld Place. I will not accept 'no' for an answer. I expect you here after your shift at the Ministry.

Best Regards,

Remus

I know that Arthur told him when my shift was over so there is no avoiding it. I sighed and scrawled a reply.

Remus,

I will not even try to say no. I could use a good meal. Though, Molly will have to cook if I'm looking for that!

See you soon,

Tonks

I loved the thought of his smile at my little jab. I know that he will have had Molly make dinner. He always burns the food or makes up a tray of meats, cheese, and bread. Simple and easy.

***** *****