Obnoxious Smarmy Gits

June 8^th 1976

Dear Journal,

Sometimes I wonder if anyone at this school is sane, including me. I mean really, standing up for Snape! I don't know what came over me. Honestly, it's not like Snape and I have ever been anything but the worst of enemies, so me standing up for him would make no sense whatsoever. Actually, most of the time if almost anyone decided to start cursing him, I would be overjoyed. Hell, I've even done it myself a couple of times. But, of course, the contradicting factor in this equation is James Potter.

James Potter, the most obnoxious guy on the premises of Hogwarts. They guy who has no problems with randomly cursing various bystanders whenever he feels like it. They guy who I have hated ever sense he charmed my hair green our first train ride. The guy who had hated me ever since, in retaliation, I pushed him into the lake. Well, the guy who hated me until about a month ago, when he decided I was the best thing since sliced bread. And, honestly, right now I don't know which is worse, him hating me, or him liking me.

Not that I think he really likes me. It's just he's had an ego trip ever since the majority of the girls here voted him "Hogwart's Most Eligible Bachelor." Frankly, I can't see what clouded their senses so much. I mean, this is the boy who is almost highest in one night stands, second only to his best friend and partner in crime, Sirius Black. But back to the topic at hand, Potter's strange obsession with me. Anyway, I think he decided that he had to prove that every girl in school would go out with him, and since I'm the only known person who didn't adore him, he chose me, Lily Evans, resident muggle-born genius.

I don't know why I let him get to me. I mean, it's not like I think his opinions matter, particularly when they involve me. He's just an insignificant little jerk who thinks he's all that, and unfortunately, I seem to be the only one at this entire school who disagrees with his opinions of himself.

Actually, if it was just him, I wouldn't care so much. I learned how to blow him of back when in like third year. It's everybody else that bugs me. I swear, if I hear another person say that Potter and I make the cutest couple, or that we're perfect together, I will scream! I mean, even our teachers think we are perfect together. They have paired us in every single bloody assignment since day one. I can't stand it anymore. I think I might murder someone if it happens again.

I don't see what people see in him. I mean, he's just an obnoxious smarmy git. Actually, he is kind of sexy, and his hair is really adorable when he's just messed it up, and he has this kind of charisma-

WHOA! Don't go there. I'm not falling for Potter, I swear. The day I agree to date James Potter is the day he saves Snape's life and gets into a fight with Sirius that lasts for longer than about 5 minutes, which pretty much has the same likelihood as hell freezing over. Which is to say, never.

Anyway, if Potter fell off the face of the earth, I would laugh, or throw a party or something like that. You know, that whole "pop out the champagne" kind of thing. And everyone knows that, Right? Except, well, I hear people talking. They seem to think that I have some "hidden feelings" for Potter, and that we will start dating soon, since he has obviously "fallen in love" with me. All of that is just so unlikely, not to mention downright stupid. I mean, I would know if I had any feelings toward Potter besides hatred, Wouldn't I? Wouldn't I?

Well, I've never been good at lying to anyone, least of all myself. So maybe I do have feelings towards Potter. It's not like he'd care, or would even think of me as anyone else but another stupid conquest, another one night stand. So I can just keep my feelings inside, even when my heart starts to break, even when I feel like no one will ever understand. After all, that's what I have you for, isn't it. My private companion, my secret psychiatrist. If only you could give advice back.

I wish I could talk to someone who understood, but, as far as any of the teen magazines I've read go, the only advice anyone would probably give me in this situation is to go tell him. BUT I CAN'T DO THAT! Honestly, if you had spent your entire life trying to not embarrass yourself in front of some guy, then you do not go up to said guy and tell him that you love him with every fiber of your being. IT IS JUST NOT DONE!

Actually, there's nothing wrong with telling said guy that you love him, as long as he loves you back. Or, at the very least, he likes you as more than a friend. Of course, Potter fits into neither of those categories. I swear, I can already hear him and the others laughing. I can't go up and tell him that. Never in a thousand years could I go up and tell him that!

So I guess that's how it will be forever, won't it. Him being difficult and me being secretive. Not that there's anything wrong with being secretive. Sometimes that's just the way you have to live your life, locked up inside yourself like a room with no keyhole. That way, you can never get hurt.

So, I guess, for now, and perhaps forever, my true feelings will stay within the pages of a book. I have no complaints however, for I know that you, unlike others, can never betray me.

~Lily Evans