Destined to Suffer

Sometimes it feels like I am destined to suffer. I never have figured out what I did wrong in my early childhood, but I know I must have done something.

When I was young, about two years old, I was wandering through the woods behind my house during a full moon, completely unaware of the danger, when my neighbor, a woman named Matilda Harris burst out from between the trees. I started to run, but stumbled and fell. Right as I hit the ground, teeth snapped into my leg, and I fell unconscious. If not for a man who was standing there who killed Matilda right as she bit me, I would probably not have survived.

My mother and father were furious, yet at the same time deadly frightened of me. I was two, not old enough to understand what had taken place, but I never will forget the look on my parents face when they saw me, and the body of Matilda Harris, still in wolf form. There was fear on their faces, but a little disappointment. Disappointment that I hadn't died.

Not to say that my parents didn't love me, they did. It's just that they knew what was going to happen with me, and they didn't want me, or more likely themselves, to go through the suffering and shame that goes with each transformation.

About a year after I received the bite, I told a cousin of mine, who was about 10 years old, that I was a werewolf. He refused to talk to me, ran to his mother screaming, and we haven't seen them since.

My mother and father tried hard to raise me like a normal child, but many things couldn't ever be the same. First off, my parents took me out of the pre-school that I had been in, and home schooled me from the time I was bitten till the time I turned eleven. I had no friends, no one, because I always knew that if anyone ever figured out what I was, I would loose them forever.

I never expected to be able to actually go to Hogwarts. Werewolves often aren't thought of as real wizards, or even real humans, just creatures. But then Dumbledore became headmaster.

He said that as long as we took certain precautions, there would be no problem with me attending Hogwarts. Those certain precautions were that the whomping willow had to be planted, and that I would never be able to tell anyone about my transformation.

I was so excited to be actually able to go to Hogwarts. I couldn't wait to go and get my stuff. But I still knew the dangers, knew that if I was going to go, I would have to be extra careful about my condition. I knew that I could be abandoned by everyone, expelled, and at the very worst killed if anyone found out. But I still wished to go.

On the train ride to Hogwarts, I met three boys, Sirius Black, James Potter, and Peter Pettigrew. I befriended them immediately, and the bond between us began.

James and Sirius were always more of the leaders of our group, the Marauders. Then I came along, doing whatever needed to be done, and Peter came up last, tagging along, hoping that the rest of us would protect him. And we did. We were always looking out for each other, always.

I also met a girl named Lily Evans. Lily was probably the sweetest girl I'll ever meet. She was never afraid of anything, and would always help anyone who needed help. That is, except for James. It was sometimes really amusing, to watch him try to win her over. She and I were friends, though, and I tried to get James not to do anything to horrible to her.

I was worried that people would wonder where exactly I went every month, but they never said anything about it. Then, in my second year, James and Sirius approached me about it. They told me that they knew what I was. When I expected them to tell me that they were going to leave me, they told me some surprising news. They were going to try to become animagus.

I know I should have tried to stop them, but it was too hard. I was in pain constantly during my transformation, and I had read somewhere that having others around, even plain animals, would help me become calm, and ease my mind.

It took them three long years to do it. Peter needed help, but James and Sirius were always ready to do whatever was needed. During that time, only one other person, Lily, found out. When I asked her why she wasn't going to leave me, she laughed, and said that she turned into a monster 4 days a month too, and it didn't matter to true friends.

Finally, James, Sirius and Peter were ready. James turned into a stag, and became "Prongs." Sirius turned into a dog, and became "Padfoot." Peter turned into a rat (fitting, now that I think back on it,) and became "Wormtail." And I became Moony.

It began with them just staying in the shrieking shack with me, but eventually we began to wonder around the grounds. There were many close shaves, but we were young and stupid, and didn't think much of it. Through our wonderings and our pranks, we began to know the Hogwarts grounds better than anyone else, and so we began to write the Marauder's Map, our gift to all future pranksters.

I had been a prefect, I believe, so that I could try to calm my friends down and make them obey the rules, but I never tried. I was too worried that they would abandon me.

In my seventh year, so many things changed. James managed to get Lily to go out with him, and Sirius became more and more foolhardy. It resulted in him telling Snape to go and press the knot on the whomping willow during the full moon. I was angry with Sirius for a time, but I've never been able to hold much against him. It was around this time that I realized I loved him.

How are you supposed to tell someone that, particularly when he's your best friend? Do you go up and say, "Hey, you know, I'm gay, and I'm in love with you. Hope you don't mind?" And so I kept it in.

Then, we graduated. Lily and James got married, and had to go into hiding. Voldemort was rising, and everyone feared everyone else. I wish they had trusted me, but I know that it's not likely they would have. Too many werewolves were on his side, it just wasn't safe.

Then, I thought Wormtail was dead, and Sirius had betrayed Lily and James. I wanted to die, but I managed to live through it all. I was jobless for 12 years, except for what muggle work I managed to do. Then Dumbledore hired me for Defense Against the Dark Art's teacher.

It was hard, but I enjoyed it. The hardest part was watching Harry. He was so much like James, and like Lily also. Then that night in the Shrieking Shack unfolded. I never suspected until then that Peter had turned traitor, but it works out. He was the one that always needed protection.

So I waited after resigning. And I watched. Until this last year, which has been so chaotic. Sirius has been cooped up, and miserable, and an all around pain to deal with. And then he went down fighting, just like I always knew he would. Yet I was never able to tell him what he meant to me, or how much I loved him.

Two of my best friends are dead, and the other has betrayed me. I wish I could die as well, but I know that one must stay to help Harry, and to tell him of his parents, and his legacy.

~Remus Lupin