Lost and Found

A Place for My Head

I watch how the moon sits in the sky

In the dark night shining with the light

From the sun

The sun doesn't give life to the moon assuming

The moon's gonna owe it one

You, then me. That's how it always is. I'm so sick of trying to live up to you, trying to impress you. It's sad that that's what all this has come to. I follow you like a willing puppy, begging for your attention. Maybe one day you'll realize that all I ever wanted was you, all I ever needed was you. But I guess you don't always get what you want.

I used to think you were so perfect, but now I'm beginning to see the real you, and I'm beginning to get tired. I'm tired of following you around, of depending on someone who barely even cares. You don't know half of what I am, of who I am. Hell, Harry knows me better than you! And I'm supposed to be your wife, Draco! Yes, remember me? Ginny, Ginny Weasley, the girl you married!

You used to be so kind, so careful with me, like I was a fragile crystal wine glass. I used to be the eye of your storm, the core of your soul. What happened to yesterday? Has it vanished like all my childhood memories and all my smiles?

It makes me think how you act to me

You do favors and then rapidly

You just turn around and start asking me about

Things that you want back from me

Make up your mind, Draco. It's me or the world, and you seem to be picking the world. I guess anyone would, I am just a girl. But I thought you loved me more than that, I thought you cared. When we stood at that altar and you told me that you would stay by my side, through sickness and in health, through thick and thin, I actually believed you. I was so foolish when I said and meant those things. But I still do. I still will be there for you always, because there is nowhere else to go and nothing else to do, and I have never been one to break my promises, unlike you.

Now when I carry you your midnight brandy to you in your study, you look up at me with empty eyes of ice. They burn through me with cold power, binding me to you as you pull me onto your lap and reach your hand into my shirt, telling me that I am yours and you are mine. But you lied again when you said that, you are not mine. I see those eyes, and I see that heart, and I know now that neither of them is true. My place in your soul has long been filled up with your Master and your work. You see that I know that, so you close my eyes with your fingers and kiss me slowly, intoxicating me so I am satisfied at the moment.

But now, now I need a place to put my head, a place where I belong.

I'm sick of the tension, sick of the hunger

Sick of you acting like I owe you this

Find another place to feed your greed

While I find a place to rest

I'm leaving. I tell myself that every day, every night before you call me to your study with your eternally faithful drink. That thick amber liquid alone has saved a part of your heart for me to hold and look into, when you think I'm not looking. It's the brandy that makes you open up and show me again what you used to be. And it's then that I convince myself that there's hope left and you need me. Because you may not know it, and you may not think it, but you need me, you want me, too.

No, I'm just convincing myself again. This flicker of hope left in my mind is slowly being snuffed out and I'm not sure that I can hold on any longer. It's hard living in a shadow of a respected person, far harder than living next to them.

I don't know why I'm still here; don't know why I still care. I have so many questions to ask myself, I just won't give me time. One day when you are perfectly sober and your attention is on me, I will pull you into a private corner somewhere and show you what you have done to my heart. The scars that run deep inside it, the black pain that's entwined itself around my soul, suffocating it to such a point until I cannot breathe--I will show you all of it. Then I will kiss you knowingly, smiling as I will pour my hurt into you and lay lifeless in your arms. Maybe you will see what you did to me then.

I want to be in another place

I hate when you say you don't understand

(You'll see it's not meant to be)

I want to be with the energy, not with the enemy,

A place for my head

I found a poem I wrote years ago about your eyes alone:

Two hard shards of ice

Too sharp to play with

Too cold to touch,

But when they're warmed the place is perfect

I melt into their beauty--

I could get used to this.

Ha, I held such ignorance in my heart. I showed you that ignorance and you took advantage of it. The ignorance soon dissipated and my heart was left empty. But hearts can never be empty for long. It soon filled up again, except this time it was with hate and disappointment, unwanted knowledge and lies.

I was so infatuated with you that I didn't take time to understand what you were doing to me. And when you showed me that hideous tattoo on your arm, I smiled and whispered to you that I wanted one, too.

You looked down at me, impressed for a second, and then you smiled. I still remember what you said:

"Then come along, little girl, and let me show you the truth. It is time at last."

I look at the tattoo that marks me as yours, as evil. You ruined me, Draco, and I still love you.

Maybe someday I'll be just like you

And step on people like you do and run away

The people I thought I knew

I remember back then who you were

You used to be calm, used to be strong,

Used to be generous

But you should've known that you'd wear out your welcome

Now you see

How quiet it is all alone