Severus, Please

I can remember the last day I cried like it was yesterday. The memory is so fresh in my mind that it might have been yesterday. But it wasn't. Yesterday, I wasn't a shy little teenager stuck in the corner listening to HIM shouting at her. Yesterday I wasn't trying to focus on something . . . anything . . .that would drown out the sounds. Yesterday, I couldn't hear her sobbing so furiously that I couldn't stop the tears from falling down to my cheek. Yesterday, I hadn't stood up when I had heard enough, prepared to confront him for everything he had done to her. He had hurt her and yesterday I was standing up for her. I wished I had been braver, because when he had seen the fresh tears falling down my face, he had laughed. Laughed at my courage. And that alone was enough to make me weak in the knees. His amusement hurt more than his words. He thought I was a joke! And I remember promising himself that I would make HIM regret it. Make him beg. "Severus . . . please."

Oh, but I can also remember yesterday. And that was because my subconscious kept reminding me that yesterday was a totally different day than the ones I was used to, although it did seem like that day so many years ago when I last shed my tears. I could hear the words now. Slowly, begging. And I can see the eyes. Longing, wanting him to have mercy. For a second there, I almost relented, but then I remembered all the times that HE had made me cry. And I wanted to hurt him.

I can remember many things. I can remember every word he said. "Are you going to cry? Poor little witch is going to cry." And the harsh laughter again and again that all I wanted to do was hex him into silence. "Good ahead and cry. It's the only thing you're good for anyway." The first year I got into Hogwarts, I promised myself that there would only be six more and then I could be free of him. "Cry, Severus." I would make the whole world free of him. "Oh, look, Sev's going to cry." I wanted to kill him. "SEEEEEEEEEEVERUS! SNNNNNNNNIVELLUS! Are you going to cry? Are you? Are you?" Leave me alone! Go away! "Ha ha ha. Cry, Snivelly!" Stop laughing! "Stupid little witch." Flithy little mudbllod! "Cry."

I didn't care about her anymore. Revenge was for me and me only. She had chosen to stay with him. She had made her choice. A long time ago, she could have rescued us. Both of us. She could have taken us away from HIM. But she didn't. That evil bitch. She made me suffer. I'd never stand up for her again.

The years went by quickly and before long, I left Hogwarts. I was a free man! I could go back and get my revenge. The Ministry would never find out. And I didn't wait a day longer. I could repay him for everything he had done to me, for every time he had made anyone cry. Only he wasn't there. Somehow he had heard that I was coming. Somehow he knew that today would be the day. Because he wasn't there. He was gone.

Where is he? Where is he? "He's gone." No! "He's gone, Severus." NO! He's not gone! Not yet. He can't be gone. I'm not finished with him yet. "Don't you understand? He's gone. Last week. We took him to the hospital, but he--" I'll find him. "Severus . . . please."

She stared at me confusedly. What was wrong with her? Was she still in love with the fucking mudblood? Did she expect me to forgive him? "He's . . . gone." And she was crying again. What the fuck was she crying for? He wasn't here anymore. Was he still making her cry? Shut up! Shut up, Eileen! He's not here anymore. He can't make you cry. "He's gone." That's right, so stop crying. He won't make you cry anymore. I'll make sure of it. "Severus, he's GONE." I know. I'll find him.

From then on, that became my life's mission: Finding the man that had hurt me, so that I could hurt him back. The 'pretty little witch' won't be crying anymore. No, I'd be laughing. It would be my turn to laugh. You'll see how that feels when someone laughs at you when he makes you cry. I'll be laughing as I'd watched you suffer. Just the thought kept me going.

I joined the Death Eaters as a means to an end. I wanted to find him. I needed to find him. The Dark Lord didn't understand my purpose. Nobody, not even the other minions, understood me. Oh, I didn't need to kill all the muggles. I just needed to kill one, only the one that had made me cry.

Hogwarts had been a santuary before, so I returned to it.

Only now he had invaded it. He was . . . everywhere. The castle, the grounds, Hogsmeade. What are you doing in Hogsmeade? No part of you should be in Hogsmeade. "I think we should award Gryffindor points, don't you, Snape?" No. Why the hell would I think so? "You seem upset. What are you going to do? Well, are you going to cry about it?" Leave me alone! "When was the last time you had a good cry, Severus?" It doesn't matter! You can't be brave when you cry. You can't! "Crying doesn't make you weak." Lies! All lies! He had fooled me for too long now, trying to make me cry. Had he been laughing in the background? Laughing his head off as he watched me sulk around the dungeons? Was that why there was always a twinkle in his eyes? I could see him on, sitting at the table in the Great Hall and laughing his head off. I couldn't stand the fact that he had laughed at me. "Severus . . . please. Listen to me. Crying doesn't make you weak, it--" Yes, it does. Yes, it does. Yes, it DOES. "No, it doesn't." You just want to make me cry. Like you made HER cry. And I don't want to cry. Please don't make me cry. "Severus--" Stop it! Stop it! I'm not going to cry anymore. And you can't make me. You can't! You can't! You won't! I won't let you! "Severus . . . please. Let me help you. Let me help you." You want to make me cry! You just want to make me cry! "Crying doesn't make you weak--"

I didn't realized I had pulled out my wand until I was uttering the words. But this was what I wanted. I wanted to kill him. I needed to kill him. I could be free of him. Finally. "Avada Kedavra." Die, Tobias, die! You won't make me cry anymore. I won't let you. I can't let you.

"It makes you human."

Silence. For the first time, I couldn't hear him anymore. He was gone. And I watched as the body tumble. I was free of him. He couldn't make anyone cry anymore. He was dead! He was dead. Gone. Forever. So why did I want to cry?