If I Only Had the Words (To Tell You)

I stared down at the still completely blank piece of parchment in front of me, turning my quill around and around in my fingers. I put the quill down and looked for what felt like the hundredth time to make sure no one else in the dormitory was awake. Satisfied, I brought my head back inside the curtains of my four-poster.

I checked the time and found that I had been staring at that blank piece of parchment for nearly an hour.

"Well, At least it's Friday night...Nowhere to go tomorrow," I thought, trying to think on the bright side a little. Then I began to stare at the parchment once again.

It had only taken me nearly seven years to sort out my feelings for Hermione, which I still didn't quite understand myself. Unfortunately, I didn't have seven years to sort out how to tell her. Our final year at Hogwarts was nearly over, so I was running out of time.

I didn't have time for pride, either, and I also felt like I'd explode if I didn't tell somebody, so I decided to ask someone for advice. I hate being giving advice and I hate asking for it, but desperate times call for desperate measures.

I thought over who I would tell for a while...for too long a time, probably...and I decided to tell Ginny. She's my sister, of course, and she's not a bad person, really, once you get over how annoying she can be.

I was nervous about how Ginny would react, but she had surprised me. I thought back to our conversation that afternoon.

"What is it?" asked Ginny, sounding a little concerned, when we were in a closed classroom and I had obsessed over making sure no one could possibly hear us.

I took a deep breath. "Well...You see...I...er..." I stammered, already turning slightly red (and this was just telling Ginny!). "I...I think..." I tried to think of how exactly to word it.

I don't know what Ginny's expression was most of the time I talked to her, because I was staring at my feet most of the time, but when she spoke and I looked up, she was smiling slightly.

"Is this about...a certain person?" she said quietly.

"Well...Yes." I looked down at my feet again. "You see..."

"Would you like me to just guess?" said Ginny gently.

"Well, Sure, but I don't think you'd ever-"

"Is the person a girl?"

I blushed. "Yeah...but you can't know-"

"Is her name...Hermione, by any chance?"

I looked up and gaped at Ginny, my face so red I almost thought it would stay that way permanently. "How...How did you...I never..." I looked down once again.

"Is it that obvious?" I said in a defeated kind of tone. Had she had to watch me closely, for some kind of subtle change in expression, some subtle clue in my tone of voice? Had she simply watched me around Hermione for a long time and slowly put two and two together? Or...As I often feared, had my feelings for Hermione always been completely, glaringly obvious to everyone but my stupid self?

"Well," Ginny teased, "You could always blare a trumpet and carry a banner so everybody's absolutely sure."

"Very funny, Ginny" was the only sarcastic response I could muster, while trying to think of some way to redeem myself. "You don't know exactly how much I-"

"You're absolutely mad on her," said Ginny matter-of-factly.

"Thanks for informing me," I replied dryly, a bit happy about my improved sarcasm. "This is no laughing matter, Ginny, I...It's not just some stupid immature little...I really...I..." I mentally cursed at myself when my anger changed to embarrassment and I couldn't bring myself to say the words.

"You love her," said Ginny very quietly.

I simply nodded, blushing deeply again. I sighed and looked at my hands. "I...I want her to know, but...How in the world can I tell her?"

"That's what you wanted to talk about?"

I nodded again.

"I see. Well...I might as well just be blunt...Do you have any ideas?"

I laughed slightly. "Unless I can count the ridiculous daydreams I've had...no."

Ginny smiled. "How'd things work out in the daydreams?" she asked. " Or...are they too ridiculous to tell me?" she added quickly.

"Well...Let's just say that in them everything was much more perfect than I could ever make it."

"Well...What did you do in them?" asked Ginny as politely as she could.

"There were a lot of different ones...I...I'd rather not say. Believe me...They were all beyond me." I blushed, laughing nervously again.

"You must have some sort of idea," Ginny urged me.

"Well...I'd like to tell her in person, but...I don't think I'd ever be able to...and I'm not creative at all, so a poem or something's definitely out..."

"How about a letter?"

"I thought about that, I guess..." I admitted, shrugging.

"I think that a letter would probably be best..." said Ginny seriously. "She could even keep it forever, you know..."

"You think so?" I asked, and thought for a moment. I then voiced the obvious question. "How exactly would I write it?"

"Well...You could write down some thoughts and look through them for ideas..."

"If I wrote down every single thing I've thought about Hermione since I realized I'm in love with her, I wonder how many pieces of parchment they would take up," I thought suddenly. "If every thought was on a separate sheet of parchment..." I imagined a whole room full of pieces of parchment stacked to the ceiling, thousands and thousands of them, and I smiled wryly. Trying to put everything I wanted to say into a letter would be like somebody going into that room, looking through the thousands of pieces of parchment, and trying to summarize what they said with just one or two pieces...a daunting task, to be sure.

"You could revise it over and over, too..." Ginny continued.

I shrugged. "I...I guess it's worth a try..."

"You'll really do it?"

"If you help me, Ginny."

"Well...The words have to be your own, but... you can have me look it over if you want...Why don't you try to start it tonight and I can look at it tomorrow..." Ginny said slowly. "in a very private place, of course," she added quickly when she saw me open my mouth.

I thought for a minute or two. "All right...I'll start it tonight then..."

So there I was, trying to summarize thousands of thoughts in a single letter. How could I even begin? "I'm not even good with words at all," I thought. "I wish I was, but I'm not. I'm horrible with words. How can I even begin to explain?"

If I only had the words to tell you

If you only had the time to understand

Though I know it wouldn't change your feelings

And I know you'll carry on the best you can.

I was afraid to tell Hermione, because I was afraid she didn't feel the same way, but with a letter, I didn't have to be afraid to say anything. It probably was the best option, like Ginny had said. No pressure, no eyes staring at me... just a piece of parchment and a quill. I could say anything I wanted...only the right words just wouldn't come.

I had thought endlessly about how I could say it, but nothing seemed right.

"Dear Hermione,

I'm madly in love with you.

-Ron"

I laughed at the absurdity of that one. It sounded so stupid to just say it straight out, nothing else. I had to lead up to it somehow, not say it right away, and I had to explain it more somehow...but how?

"I think you're the most beautiful girl in the world, Hermione. I'd do anything for you. I'd even die for you. I love you, Hermione.

-Ron"

That was explaining it a little more, but it was still extremely short and abrupt and still sounded extremely stupid.

"Dear Hermione,

We've known each other for a long time now, and, as our final year at Hogwarts is nearly over, it's about time I told you the truth about something I've kept from you for much too long..."

That sounded like I was confessing a crime, not professing my love...and it was still way too abrupt. I suppose I'm usually blunt about things, but love is certainly something one can't be blunt about. I laughed a bit trying to imagine the look on Hermione's face if I were to walk up to her, say something ordinary like a comment about the weather, then say, "Hey, Did you know I'm madly in love with you?" Love certainly doesn't work that way...real love. Every day people say they're in love when they meet some really attractive person, who is perhaps a fairly nice person as well. Well that's not love. That's...well...another four-letter word that starts with "l," and it's not good or even remotely like love.

"So many people think they know what love is when they don't know much at all about it," I thought. Maybe I was like that once... but that was before I loved Hermione. Now there was no mistaking it. I loved her in the true sense of the word...only I had to say more than "I love you." What more could I say? "You're beautiful...the most beautiful girl who ever lived...I'd do anything for you...would die for you... I love you more than anything... more than life itself... I can't live without you...need you in my life...want to be with you forever...I can do anything as long as you're with me...anything at all...anything I dream of...more than I ever dreamed of...You're more than I ever dreamed of...so much more...I never thought I'd fall in love, but then you came into my life and...I've never been the same since you came into my life...changed everything...The whole world looks better...so much better..." None of those things sounded right, maybe because so many of those things had been said so many times before...not that I'm a big fan of love songs, but I'd heard all of those things said in songs, so many times...and other places, too...Valentine's Day cards, and all the other corny Valentine's Day stuff...in romance novels, not that I read them, but I've heard people talk about them...Almost everything I thought of saying had already been said over and over and over...

If I only had the urge to tell you

If you only knew how hard it is to say

When the simple lines have all been taken

And the radio repeats them ev'ry day

I buried my head in my hands in frustration, but I wasn't about to give up. I wouldn't be able to sleep anyway, not until I at least thought of something...

Maybe I could just explain how it was hard for me to explain? That could work...just maybe...if I could somehow get it to not sound corny...It was a start, anyway...

I took a deep breath, dipped my quill into the ink, and actually began to write some words on the blank piece of parchment.

"Dear Hermione,

I don't know how to say this. I don't even know how to begin. I only know that something has to be said.

I wish I could word it better, but I'm afraid I'm horrible with words. I'm usually blunt, but this is something I can't be blunt about. A poem would be perfect, but I'm no poet.

I wish I could tell you in person, but I'm afraid I'm a coward when it comes to talking about my feelings.

I wish I could find some completely perfect, eloquent way to tell you, Hermione, but I'm afraid that this letter to you is the best I can do, and I hope it's enough...

If I never find the song to sing you

If you always find it hard to comprehend

Well you know there wouldn't be much meaning

If I had to sing those tired words again

I don't even know if you want to hear this, so I'm afraid to say it, but, as I said, something has to be said, before I go insane.

Somehow we've stayed friends for almost seven years, after more hard times and more arguments to count, so there has to be something between us...something that's made us stay friends all this time...You've been a very good friend to me all these years, Hermione, and I never wanted more than friendship...only, little by little, I started to feel something more towards you. I don't know when it started and I don't know why, but it's there, and I'm sorry if you don't feel anything like that for me, but I can't change the way I feel, and you might as well know the truth.

I don't know how else to say it except...I love you, Hermione. I hope I won't ruin our friendship in saying it...but, I guess even if you don't feel the same way, I just want you to know. You may annoy me a lot, and we may argue all the time, but I'll always love you. I don't think anything will ever change that. That's all I have to say.

I pondered how to sign my name...if I should just write it, or say "Sincerely"...Nah, too formal...Yours Truly? Too corny...

I decided that I couldn't just sign my name at the end...and finally decided to end it like I had planned to in the first place:

Love,

Ron

I looked over the letter, reading it over and over. It wasn't too bad... It wasn't perfect, no, but it wasn't horrible. Maybe I didn't even need Ginny's help, because I decided I wouldn't even have her look over it. It seemed fine, and, besides, those words were very personal, even though Ginny already knew...Those words were for Hermione to read, and no one else. I did decide to ask Ginny to give the letter to Hermione, though, and to tell her to read it somewhere very private...away from prying eyes. I shuddered at what a giggly girl like Lavendar would say if she glimpsed so much as a line of it.

"When should I have Ginny give her the letter?" I thought. I was terrified of what Hermione's reaction would be...but I couldn't put it off forever...and I had to know...I had to know if Hermione felt the same way..."Tomorrow. Hermione will be reading this tomorrow," I resolved. "Tomorrow..."

Life goes on and on, and tonight will soon be gone

But if we try we can be sure

I put the letter under my pillow, my stomach churning, and somehow I fell asleep...to dream about Hermione, probably.

I had planned to wait until the afternoon to have Ginny give the letter to Hermione, but I was too nervous to wait. I'd have gone crazy if I had had to wait that long. I had it given to her in the morning, shortly after she woke up, and as soon as I instructed Ginny to do so, I walked out to the lake and paced back and forth, my heart pounding. I kept wondering if Hermione was reading the letter yet, and trying to imagine the expression she'd have on her face...

I kept checking my watch. The minutes were ticking away so slowly...

I tried to think of something else, but I couldn't. "Hermione, Hermione, Hermione..." Her name began to repeat itself in my mind in an endless refrain...

"Hermione, Hermione, Hermione..."

"Ron?" said a very quiet voice behind me.

I nearly jumped a mile high.

I whirled around to see Hermione standing in front of me. My heart had stopped pounding after I'd paced awhile, but it resumed pounding immediately.

"Hey, Hermione," I said, a tremor in my voice, my face turning bright red in an instant. So much for trying to be calm and collected.

"Hey," said Hermione, turning rather red too, though her expression was otherwise unreadable, while I had to be visibly terrified. "I...I got your letter, Ron..."

"That's good," I mumbled, not knowing what else to say, as I resumed looking at my feet. I waited for her to say something else.

There was a long pause. Beads of sweat formed on my forehead.

"Ron, I..." I heard her take a deep breath. "I...I...love you too..."

My heart leaped, and I looked up and stared at Hermione, hardly daring to believe it. She was the one blushing and looking at her feet now.

I opened my mouth, but no words came.

I tried again. "I...You...Really?" came out in a rush.

Hermione looked up, and our eyes met. Both of us blushed, but this time, neither of us looked away.

Slowly, Hermione nodded. She started to smile, and so did I.

I didn't say anything more, hypnotized by her eyes. For the first time, I didn't hide any of the emotion in my own eyes from her, and her eyes also hid nothing. I almost felt that I was seeing straight into her soul and she was seeing straight into mine.

I was so hypnotized by her eyes that I didn't really notice we were slowly moving closer together. Inch by inch my feet moved without me consciously telling them to, inch by inch, until Hermione and I were almost nose-to-nose, and I could feel her breath on my face. Inch by inch my arms reached out, until I had pulled Hermione towards me, closing the final few inches of space between us. Before I knew what was happening, my lips were touching hers. I felt her heart pounding like mine was, but, somehow, I don't think either of us was surprised. It seemed natural, seemed like our whole lives had been leading up to that moment...

Hermione put one hand on my shoulder and one arm around my neck, and I put my arms the rest of the way around her, my mind clear of all thought.

When we drifted apart, I wasn't ready to let go. I kept my eyes closed as she put her other arm around my neck and lay her head on my shoulder. I could have held her like that forever.

Neither of us said anything for a long time, but there was no need to.

If I only had the words to tell you

If you only had the time to understand

But I only have these arms to hold you

And it's all that you can ask of any man

After a while I realized that I had said it in a letter, but I hadn't said it out loud yet, and was sure she wanted to hear it.

"I love you, Hermione," I whispered in her ear. She didn't say anything, but she held me a little tighter, and although my eyes were still closed, I felt the smile spread across her face. "I wish I could explain just how much..."

"You don't have to, Ron," Hermione whispered back. "You don't have to say a word."

If I only had the words to tell you

If you only had the time to understand

But I only have these arms to hold you

And it's all that you can ask of any man