Zugzwang

Fate slew him, but he did not drop;

She felled--he did not fall--

Impaled him on her fiercest stakes--

He neutralized them all.

--Emily Dickinson

First Week.

Remus paced the halls of St. Mungo's in a nervous fever, the same way he had during the birth of his first and more so during the birth of the second sons. But this time there was no pregnancy, and that made him even more nervous.

Julian and Anthony Lupin, eight and five, the partners in crime, sat in chairs, both munching on sandwiches and drinking orange juice, aware of what was happening but slightly ignorant of the gravity of it all.

Inside the examination room, set off from the rest of the floor, was Harold Yeats, specialised in remedy curses, and Severus Snape, specialised in potions and bad manners. Every so often a nurse would dash out of the room in tears and a new one would be called in. Julian and Anthony giggled every time.

Remus's mood only grew worse.

It was a quarter past six, three hours after of tests and not seeing his wife, when both Yeats and Snape stepped out of the room, closing the door firmly shut behind them so no one could peak.

"How's Hermione?" Remus asked, turning to Snape for familiarity if not the hard truth. Julian and Anthony had stood up at their arrival, and both were peaking from behind Remus's cloak.

"She's been poisoned with an extremely rare poison," explained Yeats, sounding a bit proud at his discovery. "It's spreading across her body, mostly affecting her lungs, which would explain the coughing up blood and difficulty to breath."

"Is she going to die?" Julian asked, his voice wobbling.

Yeats looked unsure, but it was Snape that said, "Probably."

"Then find a cure!" Remus demanded.

"It's a rare potion," repeated Snape. "I will be dismissing myself to go create one, but don't put all your faith in it, Lupin. It's... the odds and time are against your wife." He still had problems with the word "wife."

"Mr. Snape has agreed with me that if you wish you may take your wife home. There is hardly anything here we can provide for her better than her family," Yeats said kindly.

"Yes, that would be best," Remus agreed, scratching his arm.

"Lupin, before I go there are a few things I would like to discuss with you. In private," Snape said. Remus didn't know if he meant because of Yeats or of the boys.

"Hum," said Yeats. "Boys, why don't you come see your mother? She's been asking for you."

The boys let out a soft cheer before following the Healer into the examination room.

"I'll be notifying the Ministry of this," Snape said. "While the poison itself is identified by the community, it's hard to create and..."

"You think it was Voldemort's work?" Remus asked. "He hasn't shown himself since... well, he hardly has any magic left, either way. Not while Harry is--"

Snape broke him off with a glare that demanded discreetness. "I will be notifying the Ministry," he repeated. "And I suggest you do the same with Dumbledore. I will be approaching Pomfrey and Sprout for some assistance, but still."

"Yes, of course. Dumbledore might be able to shed some light on this," Remus agreed. "Er, Severus, I know you've already got a lot on your hands, but would it be possible to--"

"I'll send you the Wolfsbane potion before the full moon," Snape said and then Disapparated.

Remus stared at the spot for a second before heading into the room with a fake smile on his face.

*

It was two days before Remus could go to Hogwarts. Even though Hermione looked ghastly because of her illness, she was set on acting as if everything were all right, and Remus had to work extra hard to keep her in bed or by the fire as well as hydrated.

"I swear you're acting as if you were three-years-old," scolded Remus softly, handing her a mug of hot tea and a sandwich. "Not even Anthony is giving me this much trouble."

Hermione closed her eyes briefly, and then opened them, looking amused. "I can help put the boys to bed at night, you know. I can still walk."

"Hardly," muttered Remus. "Julian was scared silly when you collapsed the other day."

"Yes, well, that was because of the bad soup you gave me." She winked.

"Hermione, you need to take it easy," Remus begged. "If you want to see the boys, call them. Put the telly to work and watch those Wisney films."

"Disney," Hermione corrected automatically. "Fine." She pouted. "What are you doing today?"

"I'm going to Hogwarts to speak with Dumbledore. I'll be taking Anthony with me, but Julian will stay to help you. I can ask Ron or Harry to come stay with you, if you like," Remus answered. He folded a nearby shirt unconsciously.

"No, I'm all right," Hermione assured him. "Remus, have you been to work?"

"Not since we took you to St. Mungo's," Remus said, getting up and calling down to Anthony to grab his cloak. "I need to take care of things here. I'll be getting back on Monday. Don't worry, Hermione."

Hermione bit her lip. Work for werewolves was still scarce and the Ministry made sure almost impossible. For the time being Remus had managed to gain a job with a bookshop in a Wizarding town in Wales, but the pay was minimum and they mostly depended on Hermione's job at the Ministry as their main income. Still, she decided it was best not to make mention of it for the time being.

Remus kissed her on the forehead. "I'll send Julian up. Don't be naughty," he warned and left.

*

Hogwarts had not changed since Hermione had left it, and neither had Dumbledore, who still offered sweets to Anthony and commented on his brown curls. The portraits hadn't changed either, and Remus felt himself under the careful watch of a dozen.

"Severus has told me Hermione is feeling under the weather," Dumbledore said, moving a snow globe across his desk.

Fawkes, still infinitively alive, pecked a startled Anthony on the cheek. Distracted, but still within safety. Hogwarts's safety, not his.

"I wish she were feeling just that, but Severus says this poison might be incurable," Remus explained. "I don't know what to do, Albus."

Albus tapped his chin thoughtfully. "I put my entire trust in Severus," he said. "Therefore I leave that area to him. But as for you, Remus, how are you doing?"

Remus sighed. "Horrid," he said earnestly. "Hermione feels like she can take care of the house, but she's getting weaker, and I wouldn't dare to leave her with the boys alone. I need to get back to work, but it seems harder and harder to do. The house is upside down and it's only been two days, but I already need to pay for gas and electricity and the boy's school." He looked embarrassed. "I'm sorry, Albus. I shouldn't be complaining. Hermione comes first; this is all just a set back."

"Nonsense," said Dumbledore, looking like a wise Saint Nick. "It's natural for you to worry about all of this. First we must take care of Hermione. Severus is working on that, at least in the medicine department. As for her personal care, it seems obvious that you have your hands full. Don't interrupt; those boys won't care for themselves, either."

"They have school during the day," Remus said quickly. "I can pick them up from work, feed them lunch, go back to work... Maybe Ginny can take care of them a few days of the week." He felt overwhelmed.

"May I suggest a nanny?" Dumbledore said. "It's quite interesting actually. Mrs. Torres, the Muggle Studies professor this year, came to me a few weeks ago suggesting that for a three month period her students gain a job in the Muggle world. I thought it was highly ingenious and I've sent out owls to Muggle born students and their parents who might have connections that would help our students."

"I don't think I'm following, Albus," Remus admitted.

"Well, I'm sure there must be someone who wouldn't mind watching the children perhaps two times a week? Their schedules are generally open from three until six, and that seems like it'll be helpful. Plus, your house is entirely Muggle based, is it not?"

"Oh, yes, it would be," said Remus, looking interested. "But Hermione would hate it if she was in bed and there was someone else looking after Julian and Anthony."

Dumbledore looked over a large calendar that was lying on his desk. Remus could not see anything written on it, but apparently Dumbledore could, and he kept muttering things such as "No, not this day," or "Hrm, gardener comes on this one."

"I think, if the nanny comes on Tuesdays and Fridays, then I will be more than happy to arrange evening trips for Hermione to visit the Dumbledore Gardens on those days. I think that Harry will be more than happy to escort her," Dumbledore finally said. "Unless my memory fails me, Hermione loves visiting those gardens. Apparently the plants there are quite rare."

Remus seemed content with this slight break in his week and agreed to discuss it with Hermione.

"Of course, Remus, if anything ever comes up, you can always bring the boys here," Dumbledore added. "Minerva will be thrilled to care for them." His eyes glittered mischievously.

"I'm sure she will," Remus said dryly. He picked Anthony up, who had been playing a game of trying to pluck Fawkes's feathers.

"Oh, and Remus, have some faith in Hermione," Dumbledore said, opening the door for them. "Give her some time with the boys in the afternoon. It may be the best remedy."

"A spoonful of sugar!" added Anthony faithfully.

*

"I don't want a nanny," said Hermione stubbornly, using an accent that she thought sounded posh and spoiled.

Remus rubbed his temples. "Don't think of it as a nanny," he said. "This is a student, like you were, who needs to take care of the boys as part of the Muggle Studies program."

"Needs to take care of the boys," repeated Hermione. "I don't like that."

"Wants to, then. Don't be spoiled," Remus said. He sat across from her, trying to look like the dominant one.

"This is all really silly," Hermione insisted. "I'm perfectly all right to take care of Julian and Anthony."

"Hardly. Look, it'll only be for two days. And Albus has already requested your presence at the Gardens." Remus grinned.

"That's blackmail," Hermione said.

"I know, but is it working?"

Hermione frowned. "A bit," she admitted. She coughed for a bit and accepted a glass of water from Remus. "I want to choose her, though."

"Sounds fair enough. Maybe we'll go on Wednesday and you can look through their files. Everyone would love to see you," Remus said.

"I want to take care of the boys on the other days. No sending me off to the North Pole or something," Hermione added.

"Your mother has agreed to come on Thursday," Remus said. "You can entertain her and the boys."

Hermione pulled a face, and Remus laughed. He tucked her in, making sure she was warm. "Ron's coming to visit tomorrow. Something about a Quidditch match," he said.

"Oh," Hermione groaned. "I completely forgot about that. Puddlemere United against Chudley Cannons for the gold. Can you go to the shops and buy some crisps or anything else that will rot my stomach?"

"I hear Puddlemere United is doing well this season." Remus closed the bathroom door and drew the curtains.

Hermione was about to add how she couldn't care less when Julian and Anthony rushed into the room, ready to say goodnight.

"Mummy, can we get a dog?" Julian asked. He jumped on the bed, followed by his younger brother. "A black one with big teeth and we'll call it Fluffy."

"You're going to call a monster dog Flu--never mind, this conversation is entirely too familiar," said Hermione. "No, we cannot have a dog, sweetie."

"Why not?" Julian whined. "Daddy use to have a dog."

Remus looked confused. "I never had a dog. I barely managed to maintain a goldfish when I was fifteen."

"There are photos," Julian insisted. "Right, Anthony? With the big black dog."

"Big black!" Anthony agreed. "Huge!"

"Photos?" Hermione asked. "Oh! Snuffles!"

"Oh," said Remus.

"What sort of a name is Snuffles?" Anthony asked, pulling a face. "Woof."

"Snuffles was a... special dog," Remus said. "Maybe when you're older you can get a dog."

"But we want a dog now," Julian argued. "Please, mum. I promise I'll take care of it. I'll walk it and feed it and clean it."

"And I'll watch Julian do that," Anthony, always the helper, added.

Hermione rolled her eyes. "You don't play with Crookshanks," she scolded. "He's... as big as a small dog."

"Bigger, I think," added Remus. "And didn't he try to eat the Jack Russell Terrier the other day?"

"Crookshanks is old and smelly and boring," whined Julian.

"He doesn't like us," Anthony said. "He scratched me once!"

"Well, dear, that's what happens when you grab him by the neck like a chicken," Hermione chided. "Anyway, it's past your bedtime. Off to bed, yes?"

Julian pouted. "Goodnight, mum," he said softly, kissing her and pulling Anthony back to their bedroom.

"A dog would be a disaster," Hermione said firmly to Remus.

"I know," Remus agreed. "Snuffles would have been nice, though."

Hermione rubbed his arm, giving a sympathetic smile. "He would have been an awful influence," she teased.

"He'd make the boys all hyper on sugar, and we'd never get them to bed," Remus said.

"And take them jumping into mud puddles and have water fights."

"Julian would be flying brooms above the neighbour's house." A pause. "Except he already does that, doesn't he?"

"Anthony would learn about Zonko's before he reached Hogwarts."

"They'd both know about the secret passages before Harry gives them the map."

"Yes, and--hold on. What? Harry's going to give them what?"

Remus laughed innocently. "I'll go make sure the boys are in bed. I'll be right back." He kissed Hermione briefly on the lips and hurried out before she could throw a pillow at him.

*

Second Week.

Snape and Remus were walking side by side around the lake at Hogwarts, neither talking. Behind them Julian trailed, without the company of his brother, feeling slightly bored but afraid to interrupt his father in the presence of the scary man in black.

"How is Mrs. Lupin feeling?" Snape finally asked.

The Squid sleepily came to the surface, a large tentacle splashing the water. Julian gave a loud squeak and stood paralysed.

"She choked on her own blood yesterday," Remus said, bowing his head. "I--I don't know what to do. She's getting worse, but at times she seems so well."

The Squid eyed the young boy curiously. Julian opened his mouth and then politely closed it before a fly could pop in.

"Perhaps I can give you a potion to relax her lungs a bit," Snape said.

"I'd prefer it if you could get me a potion that would cure her," Remus admitted.

The Squid moved closer to the surface in a lazy trail.

"Er, dad," muttered Julian.

"I need to get some ingredients from Bulgaria," Snape continued. "Viktor Krum has been kind enough to send them to me. They should be arriving in a few days."

"Viktor Krum, really?" Remus said. He turned around to see Julian, but nothing seemed amiss.

The Squid splashed the water and it rose towards the shore.

"Jealous, Lupin? Don't worry. I heard that Krum's looks have deteriorated somewhat in the past few years," Snape assured him.

Remus quite childishly stuck out his tongue. Snape snorted.

If Julian had his mother's reading habits, and therefore had read Twenty-Thousand Leagues Under the Sea, he would have found an appropriate phrase to say. Instead, his tongue felt numb.

"How have Potter and Weasley taken the news?" Snape asked. "I imagine both of them have gone off to the Congo to find a mythical cure for Mrs. Lupin."

"Ron's frustrated and Harry is in denial. Molly keeps sending a chicken broth," Remus said, trying to stop the small breeze from messing his hair. "I threw in some star-shaped noodles and the boys seemed to like it."

"Mrs. Weasley's cooking abilities have always been of high standards," Snape agreed.

The Giant Squid reached the shore, eyed Julian disgustedly, and pressed a tentacle to the boy's forehead. A slimy paste was left behind as the Squid went back to the centre of its lake.

"Dad!" whined Julian.

Remus and Snape turned around. "Julian, what on earth did you do? You're disgusting, and I think you--gods--you smell," Remus said, taking out a handkerchief and trying to wipe Julian clean.

"It was the Squid," Julian objected, trying to stop his father's cleaning.

Snape rolled his eyes. "Oh, Hogwarts will have fun with this one."

*

Hermione had been given a nice chair in the garden, with a glass of lemonade and the newest Wanda Witch novel. The sun was behaving today and she seemed to be enjoying herself. Julian and Anthony were amusing themselves by catching ladybirds and then watching them fly away. Remus was inside the house preparing an early dinner.

In three years Julian would be ready for Hogwarts, and there was a slight fear inside of her that said she wouldn't be around for that. She was well informed of the poison that was making turns in her body; the explanation had been given to her by no other than Professor Snape. And, yet, despite countless explanations, Remus's constant worrying, and the discussion of her friends, she was still in a world of denial.

How could she not? She had lived through a basilisk, an angry werewolf, who she later on married, a Death Eater attack, and then a war against Voldemort. And as if that weren't enough, she had given birth. Twice. Therefore, she was entitled to believe that some silly little potion wouldn't be the end of her.

Except that it wasn't really a silly little potion. She had coughing fits that made her think her lungs would exit her body in a bloody fashion. Her grandfather had been a victim of asthma, but someone it didn't seem quite the same.

Remus, of course, was worried about her. He had the tendency to wrap her in blankets until she thought she'd self-combust from heat or bring her tea that burned her tongue. Julian knew that she was very sick, and every time she coughed he would turn away from his ladybirds to look at her. Only a reassuring smile would get him to turn back. Anthony, on the other hand, seemed to think she had a bad cold, which suited her fine, because he was too young to think otherwise anyway.

Hermione drank her lemonade and gave a little cough. A slight blood stain imprinted her hand, but she wiped it away and smiled at Julian.

"Should I call dad?" he asked. "You're... you're coughing a lot more."

"I'm fine, love," she assured him. "Would you go get me another lemonade?"

Julian seemed content to do this and he grabbed the glass and quickly rushed into the house.

"Mum, look at this one!" Anthony cried, running to Hermione's side.

In his hands was a rather large ladybird, with its beautiful black spots on red. "Can I keep it?" he asked.

"But then you'll take it away from its family," Hermione said. "Look at it a bit more and then go put it back with its friends."

Anthony pouted but did as he was told, muttering something about a dog as he went.

Julian came back with the lemonade, bringing Remus with him. "Dad came by himself," Julian said defensively. "I promise."

Remus grinned. "I do make good lemonade, don't I?" he said.

Hermione kissed him. "Fred and George invited us to their birthday party," she said. "Apparently, it's fancy dress."

"Hermione, I don't think--"

"But I have it all planned," interrupted Hermione. "The party starts at six. We'll take the boys with us, George insisted. Then we can leave at eight, which will hardly have been any time at all. I really want to go, Remus."

"How about we see how you feel on that day, all right? If everything's okay, then maybe we'll go," Remus said, taking a sip of lemonade from her glass. "I promise."

Hermione glared. "I feel like I'm a six-year-old being indulged by her father," she complained.

Remus laughed. There was a sharp cry from the boys. "Julian, stop pushing your brother!" he called out.