Solace

Title: Solace
Author: RedLotus ([email protected] / Green Eyes & Lightning Bolts)
Notes: Feedback is appreciated, and archiving if you ask :)

I look over at him sleeping soundly beside me. He’s an angel when he sleeps, wrapped up in a blanket of serenity, his face relaxed and peaceful unlike the worried look that encompasses it when he’s awake. His red hair lays around his face in a messy array of strands, sticking up in places and lying down in others. The moonlight from the window plays across his milky white skin, glowing against the freckles covering it. I love his freckles. They are so beautiful on his skin, and I have memorized every one of them.

I wish he looked this peaceful and content when he was awake. But he’s always worried about something - who isn’t with the war against Voldemort these days? He’s worried about those left of his family, Hermione, his other friends, Hogwarts, me. And I’m the reason every one of those worry lines furrow across his brow while he’s awake. He’s worried about me, hell everyone is. And I hate it that I’m the reason he’s worried.

We try and go about our business like the war isn’t going on. We still laugh and have fun, but something’s missing. Our laughter is hollow and the fun is mirthless. It’s not real - it’s an illusion we keep up so we can keep going from day to day.

Ron’s lost so much in this war. He’s lost brothers, friends. Percy was the first, but Charlie was the hardest. I didn’t think Ron would ever quit crying after Charlie died. I stood by a tree in the graveyard a few feet behind him while he cried at Charlie’s gravesite. He knelt on the ground, crying, screaming, beating the dirt and grass while the rain poured down and the wind blew around us. I didn’t dare leave him alone, though he tried to make me. He hit me and pushed me, but I couldn’t leave him there alone. Molly and Arthur were too bereaved to see that Ron was taking it harder than any of the rest of them. He couldn’t handle the fact that another brother, and his role model, was gone forever, and at the hands of the Death Eaters he loathed so much. It wasn’t even a comfort to know that when you get hit with Avada Kedavra you die instantly - so basically no pain. Nothing comforted him.

He stayed in bed for days afterwards, missing class, not eating. Hermione and I thought he was never going to get over the death of Charlie. But he did, and he has clung to me ever since. It’s like I’m his life support, keeping his head above water in this tumultuous storm we are in.

I hate that I’m his life support. I love Ron with every fiber of my being - I would give my life in an instant if it would insure that he would live a safe, happy life away from all this. But I know that if Ron ever lost me, he would die. Not metaphorically die, but would actually kill himself. He couldn’t take another loss, especially one so close to him.

And now looking at him so peaceful in the bed next to me, I can’t help but fall in love all over again. I forget all about the war and the looming destruction and depression over the world. It’s just Ron and me, alone together in this warm bed.

I hate myself for being the reason that he is secluded from everyone. Dumbledore has hidden me from everyone. Ron wouldn’t let me leave without him, and Dumbledore understood and complied. So we live in a shack in the middle of the woods somewhere with Sirius and Remus. It isn’t bad, but we rarely see everyone.

Dumbledore arranged special classes for us. We secretly go to Hogwarts once a week, and the professors teach us in block sessions. Hermione, Neville, and Seamus know when we’re there, Dumbledore trusts them enough. It sucks we are missing our seventh year, but I guess that it’s for our safety.

He shifts slightly, moving closer to me. Even in his sleep he longs to be close to me. I can’t help but look at him and get scared. It’s more probable I will die in this war than survive. I can’t imagine living without him, how could he ever live without me?

“Oh Ron,” I whisper into the silent night. He doesn’t move, and I caress his face lightly. The feel of his skin under my fingertips is like velvet. He is so soft.

“You’re so beautiful, you know that right?” I whisper to him, finding solace in talking to his slumbering form. It is a catharsis to talk to him, even if he isn’t listening to me. I need to let him know I am scared, I need to let him know how much I love him.

“Do you know how much I love you? You are my world. If I make it through this war alive, I’m gonna ask you to marry me. Silly, right? I sound like a stupid love-struck fool.” I laugh softly and trail my fingers along his bare back. I can’t imagine a lifetime without being able to touch him.

“I am so scared, Ron. My odds for making it out alive aren’t good. Whose are when the damn Dark Lord wants your head on a stick? And everyone expects me to be the sacrifice to the good of all humanity. It’s the price for being a damn lucky baby. I don’t want to be the sacrifice for everyone. Let them fend for themselves. All I want to do is be with you, Hermione, Remus and Sirius. I just want to lay next to you in the sun by a lake, and listen to the others laugh as they run around, happy and carefree.” I sigh as I turn away from him. It is painful watching him with the prospect of leaving him by the hands of Voldemort looming over my head.

“I love you so much. Remember that, even if I die. Know that I loved you with my entire soul. I loved you more than the damn human race I died to save. You are the only one that matters. The only one. I just hope that all the love I have given you in the short time I have had to love you is enough to last you the lifetime you’ll spend without me if I die.” I turn back to Ron and blink back tears, but one escapes and trails down my face slowly. It falls from my face and onto his back, splattering in a beautiful glistening drop. I sniff and blink again, and see blue eyes peaking out from behind red locks.

“You heard that?” I ask, feeling guilty that he heard all of it. I didn’t want to give him something else to worry about. He nods and looks at me wide-eyed.

“I’m sorry you had to listen to that. I thought you were asleep.” He shifts over closer to me and wraps his arms around my waist. His face is against my stomach and I can feel the dampness of his eyes.

“It’s ok. I’m glad I heard it.” He tightens his arms around me. “I love you, Harry. And I know how much you love me. You don’t have to worry if I know that or not. I know.” I run my fingers through those silken strands, relishing in the feel of Ron. I close my eyes and sigh, content in this moment, away from the war, away from the destruction and death, only Ron and I and our love.

“And Harry.” He pauses as he looks up at me, eyes moist from tears. “You will beat You-Know-Who. I know you will. You have too. I can’t lose anyone else in this war.”

“I know, Ron. I know.”

“We’ll make it. We’ve seen enough heart-ache. It won’t be easy, but we’ll manage, like we always have. And we’ll finally leave this God-forsaken place for good, and be together forever. Trust me.”

I move down in the bed so I’m lying beside him. I pull him close to me, wrap my arms tightly around him, and place kisses along his forehead. Ron lifts his face to mine, and we share one long kiss before he cuddles up to me and falls back asleep. I watch him sleep again and think about what he said. We’ve made it this far together, why can’t we finish it? And as I watch the moonlight play across his sleeping face and reflect off the tears on his lashes, I know he’s right. Voldemort won’t get the best of us, we’ve got too much to live for.

Our love.

The End