Nequaqum Vacuum

Nequaqum Vacuum

James has asked us to meet him at the top of the astronomy tower at "any time after midnight." It has something to do with a late Quidditch practice, and a present for Lily. That was the most sense we got out of Peter, who delivered the message but refused to come with us. Claimed he "needed his sleep."

I have to admit that I'm glad. Any time alone with Sirius is wonderful. Although lately it hurts more and more not to just reach out and touch him, to lean into his arms and capture his mouth with mine.

The moon is waning. I Changed last week, and I can now go out without feeling the pull of that malevolent silvery orb. Now when it's full it feels more like a judgmental eye than a hated enemy. Berating me for not leaping on Sirius and tearing him to shreds, ripping apart the source of my endless nights of frustrated desire.

I shiver. I hate feeling like this. I love him so much but I know that given the chance, in my Changed state I would devour him unthinkingly. It scares me.

We are nearing the top of the stairs. I have been quiet, lost in thought - but Sirius has been uncharacteristically silent, even considering the fact that we are sneaking through the school in the dead of the night. I hope he does not suspect me. I don't know what I would do if he turned away from me in disgust. But I can't help it - he's like blood in my veins, singing through me, singeing my skin with the wave of an arm, a castaway sideways glance thrown at me searing into my memory like a song I can't let go of, a whisper that plagues my sleep and makes me wake, cheeks flushed and warm and I dream of his skin, the sleep-warmth seeping through his wrists and my fingers on the veins, beating with the same pulse, the same heartbeat coursing through him, through me.

Warmth and light play with his face, chasing the darkness and playful shadows that cause me to wonder whether the laughter lines have their mirror images in worry lines, whether he too has spent sleepless nights twisted by the desire for something nameless that he cannot understand.

 

I shake my head, trying to stop thinking in circles. I've been through all of this before. I can do nothing, say nothing - so I content myself with protecting him, guiding him. Letting him know that I would sacrifice my life for him if necessary.

My eyes latch onto the back of his neck, and I catch my breath. In the dim glow of my wandlight his skin is screaming out to be touched. He is incandescent.

I stretch out my hand but draw it back just in time. I stumble on the stairs, nearly fall. Sirius stops and I bump into his back. I can feel every point of contact between our bodies spark like electricity.

I recoil from him as fast as I can. I can't let him find out. He would never speak to me again.

"Moony?" he asks, his voice low. "Are you alright? You never lose your balance."

He's right. I don't. But being with him, alone, is so unnerving that it's thrown off everything.

"I'm fine." I sound brusque, abrupt. Like I don't want to speak to him and don't care if he knows. I see the outline of his shoulders stiffen. Then he seems to forget, to shake it off, and starts moving again.

"Almost… there," I pant, pretending to be more exhausted by the climb than I really am. He doesn't say anything. Now I feel hurt.

We reach the top of the tower. The air is chilly, and I instinctively move towards him as a source of warmth. I stand next to him for a moment or two, and then he moves away.

I feel helpless, trapped, like I'm dying of desire. There is so much that I want to tell him. But I can't.

Instead, I say: "Are you alright? You're very quiet. Are you tired?"

He turns to face me, and for a second I catch a fleeting glimpse of some inscrutable emotion, flashing across his eyes. Then he grins.

"Me, Moony? Tired?"

He has that look in his eye. I know there's going to be trouble.

"Tired? Why would I be tired?"

He jumps up onto the nearest parapet.

"Padfoot - what? Get down. This isn't funny. If you fall you'll fall hard. Too hard for Madame Pomfrey, even. Get off there."

He ignores me, and starts stepping lightly from stone to stone, making his way around the tower wall. I pause for a second to take in the beauty of the moment - Sirius, outlined against a smattering of stars. Shielding me from the moon.

But when I speak again I can't keep the note of panic out my voice.

"Padfoot! Please! If you fell, I'd go crazy. I'd go completely insane."

Something in my voice makes him turn to face me, and in his face I catch again that fleeting unfathomable emotion. But in turning his feet lose their grip, and he stumbles, and -

I scream his name, run to the edge, watch him plummet towards the ground. I reach for my wand and desperately cry the first spell I can think of: Accio Sirius!

And suddenly he pauses, rises, comes flying straight at me. He barrels into me and knocks me over, and we tumble to the floor. Somehow we end up with him on his back and me on top of him.

"You stopped me." His voice is low, throaty.

"Of course I stopped you. You idiot." I am so angry that I am shaking uncontrollably. Angry and on the verge of hysterical laughter. I want to hit him. I want to kiss him.

"Why did you do that? What on earth possessed you to clamber around and risk your life?"

He finally looks me in the eye.

"Some risks are easy to take."

I am too angry to process what he is saying. I suddenly become aware of the fact that I am still lying on top of him.

I will move in five seconds. But I just want to impress every detail of this upon my memory. Just so I know. So I remember.

Five…four…three…two…

"Remus. Wait." His hand grips my arm so I can't move. I pause. When was the last time he called me anything but Moony?

"Yes?" I can't look him in the eye. I'm afraid of what I might see.

"Remus, I - I'm sorry about what I did just now. But you know me - Padfoot, the risk-taker, the idiot." His laugh sounds false and forced.

I finally meet his gaze.

"No, Sirius," I whisper, "there's something else. Why don't you tell me? I want to help."

I am still on op of him, and he seems to realise this. With another laugh he tries to shake off whatever it is that is worrying him, and starts trying to play-wrestle me off him.

I know all of Sirius' diversionary tactics. With a teacher, he turns on his charm to change the subject. With us, he initiates wrestling matches. It works with James, but I can see right through him. And I'm stronger than he is. This fight won't last long.

I pretend to let him get the upper hand, then suddenly roll us both over so that I am on top of him again. But then he mimics my move and suddenly he is on top of me and his face is so close to mine that I forget to breathe.

"Tell me, Sirius," I manage.

"I can't."

"Why?" Why can't you tell me, why can't you see that I love you, that I'm drowning in my desire for you?

"Because you'd hate me."

I shake my head. No, Sirius, I could never hate you. He seems to realise this, because he says:

"Moony, I'm in love."

It hits me like I've been punched in the stomach. I don't know what to say. I'm afraid I might burst into tears.

"Wh - " I clear my throat, try again, "who?"

"Oh, Remus," he says weakly, "I'm so sorry."

And then he leans in to kiss me.

And the world rights itself, and my insides are full of glorious butterflies, dancing with glee - and I'm safe, I'm home. And the moon? The moon has set for the night.