Stay or Leave

Stay or Leave

Maybe different, but remember

Winters warm there you and I,

Kissing whiskey by the fire

With the snow outside

The silence surrounds him now. There's nothing else. No laughter. No yells. Nothing that could even remind him of his past love. Except everything.

The house was left to him until Harry came of age, and even then, it was stated that they should live together like father and son. They were all they had now. So, that's where he was staying. In that dark house that he hated with all of his being. That he hated because it was expected. That he hated because it reminded him of every dark secret his love had. The dark past. The dark family. The darkness that he just could not penetrate.

He picked up where his love had left off, cleaning the house, making it habitable for humans. With the house elf now gone, there was nothing in his way. He took down the heads of the deceased house elves, and finally got rid of the wretched portrait.

It took awhile to get used to not being awaken by his love's kiss or soft words. Dreams were filled with his love's face. His love's laugh. His love's smile. His love's voice. There were days he would open his eyes with the name on his lips.

"Sirius."

And the summer comes

The river swims at midnight

Shiver cold

Touch the bottom, you and I

With muddy toes

"Remus, have you thought about getting away?"

"Where would I go?"

It was one of the few times Remus had seen Albus Dumbledore since Sirius' service. He had stopped by for a cup of tea, or so he said.

"There has to be somewhere. What about that little cabin you used to own?"

"You mean the one where Sirius and I used to vacation before he got arrested. Where we were hiding. Where Sirius woke one night with a horrible feeling that I couldn't shake him of. Where he left me, riding that bike out in to the night to make sure James and Lily were alright. Where I got the news he had killed--."

Remus looked away from the older man's brilliantly blue eyes and in to his now cold tea. He didn't have a taste for anything but the necessary things to stay alive anymore.

"I don't think that's the wisest place to go, Albus."

"Ah, Remus, you think that now--."

"No!" He slammed the cup down so hard it cracked in half. He stood and looked down at Dumbledore. "You don't understand! It's not right! Not without him!"

He felt the tears coming again. As much as he tried to keep them down, they always came. So many hours spent crying, and there were always more tears to be shed.

He crossed his arms and looked away once again. "I can't go back there."

"Well, it's no better than staying here. Why not goes somewhere that will make you think of the good times, rather than the bad? This is not the place to remember Sirius." Dumbledore stood and placed a hand on Remus' shoulder. "It is, of course, your decision. Keep in mind, however, what Sirius would have wanted you to do."

With that, he was gone, and once again, Remus was alone to cry.

Stay or leave

I want you not to go

But you should

It was good, as good goes

Stay or leave

I want you not to go

But you did

The door squeaked open. The werewolf closed his eyes, almost expecting to see a black dog run up and tackle him, then transform itself back in to his lover, naked as the day he was born. He would then, of course, show his happiness of having his Moony back on the living room rug.

A shiver ran through Remus' spine as he walked in to the small house. There were a few things to repair, like a leak in the ceiling, or the porch which needed some major re-staining, but all and all the place was kept up rather well by the cleaning lady Sirius had hired on a whim. At first, Remus had been worried that the Muggle woman would discover something, either about their true identities, or about their true relationship. After a few months, he stopped worrying and attended more pressing matters. Like his lover's naked body. Or his garden.

With that thought, he went out to the backyard. Though it was to be expected, the man still sighed with disappointment at the weed infested patch of land that had once been his pride and joy.

He went back in to the house and looked around once again, flooded with memories. He walked to one of the walls and touched it, feeling the change in texture where he had patched over a hole. It was made after one fight the two had had in earlier days, where Sirius had stormed out of the house and Remus in turn punched the wall. Not knowing his own strength, the hole was formed.

They made up merely two hours later, when Sirius walked back in, drenched from the rain and shivering from the cold.

"I'm kidding myself if I think I've got any other place to go," he had said. "My place is here with you."

The memory warmed Remus, and he changed out of his robes in to a pair of worn-in jeans and an old tee-shirt. With gloves in one hand and trowel in the other, he headed out to start his fight against the weeds. And his depression.

Wake up naked drinking coffee,

Making plans to change the world

While the world is changing us

It was good good love.

The smell of coffee filled the air. It took a moment for Remus to break out of his daze and realize there was no Sirius to make coffee in the morning for him. He leaped out of bed, threw on his robe, and ran down the hall to the kitchen. He thought to bring his wand, but common sense kicked in, and he realized any enemy would have probably killed him as he slept instead of making coffee.

He slowed down as he reached the kitchen. A very small part of him was scared to look in, as if it might actually have been Sirius in there, in the nude, making his normal morning cup of coffee. It was a bit of a ritual.

Eventually, he came to the conclusion he couldn't stand out there all morning and walked in to the kitchen. Someone sat at the table, hidden by the newspaper they were reading. Remus heard a slurp, as if they were taking a very loud sip of their coffee. Sirius was always very quiet when drinking his.

He cleared his throat loudly, and the paper fell a few inches, to show the top of a head covered in very messy black hair and a pair of bright green eyes. Within seconds, the paper was abandoned and Remus was being hugged tightly by a young man who was a good six inches shorter than him.

"Harry?"

The man let his hold relax slightly and pulled away so he could look in to the older man's face. "Damn, it's good to see you Remus."

"What are you doing here?"

"I am apparently in hiding. Or I will be." He broke his hold and returned to his coffee. "Dumbledore's coming by today. He's going to perform the Fidelius Charm on us both, with him as the Secret-Keeper." He looked up at Remus, slightly scared. "I hope you don't mind. I mean, since we're both hiding, why not hide together?"

"Why not indeed," Remus muttered, running both hands through his messy, graying light brown hair. A few months ago, Harry had graduated from Hogwarts, and Voldemort had been defeated. But there was still that chance a Death Eater could be after him. Not that Harry couldn't hold his own, as he's proved multiple times, but it was just easier to hunker down for a while than fight every would be Dark Lord.

"Do you want a cup of coffee? I made a whole pot. I didn't know if you drank it or if Sirius--" Harry stopped himself and looked up, seeming to be slightly afraid he had said something wrong.

The name was now just a jab in Remus' heart, rather than the full out stab it used to be. "We both drank coffee, and I would love a cup."

You used to laugh under the covers

Maybe not so often now

But the way I used to laugh with you

Was loud and hard

"Will you tell me about him?"

Remus was knocked out of his stupor. He found himself staring in to the fire instead of reading his book, remembering the nights they had to spend apart. How Sirius would always try to find a way to contact him, so he could sleep soundly through the night, knowing his love was still out there.

"Who?" He turned and looked at Harry, who was strung across the couch while he sat in the arm chair. "James?"

Harry shook his head, and sat up. "Everyone tells me stories about my dad." He folded his hands in his lap, and bowed his head. For a second, Remus thought he was praying, until he looked over his glasses with those insanely bright green eyes.

"Then who?"

"Sirius."

Remus smiled softly. "Oh, where to begin."

Harry crossed his legs and rested his elbows on his knees, his head in his hands. "Tell me about when you discovered you were in love with him."

The older man jumped. "What?! Where in God's name did you come up with that?!"

"Oh, Remus, I'm not dumb. Everything about this place says you loved each other."

"Damn, you're too smart for your age." Remus put down his book and rubbed the bridge of his nose.

"It's not like I mind," Harry whispered, his body falling back to a straight back and folded hands. He spoke in to his hands, not looking up. "I mean, why should love be judged? As far as I can tell, the love you shared with him was pure. I only wish to find that sort before..." His voice trailed off. It suddenly occurred to Remus why the young man was asking for information. It was a distraction from his own mind, his own thoughts, something Remus himself had sought after for so long.

It also occurred to Remus how young Harry still was. And how forced he was to grow up at an unnatural speed.

"Well, I don't know what to tell you," he started off slowly, trying to find the words. Inspiration flowed in slowly, giving him strength to speak of his past love. "I knew I loved Sirius from the moment I met him. He let me grab on to him and he took care of me when I returned to the dorm room after my change. Being in love with him was like breathing. It wasn't something I had control over, it was something I needed to stay alive. And he knew this. He knew I needed him."

They spoke together for hours, Sirius being the main topic. Remus found himself laughing like he hadn't since Sirius' death and that night, dark eyes were joined with green, waking him quickly and confusing him for the rest of the sleepless night.

Stay or leave

I want you not to go

But you should

It was good as good goes

Stay or leave

I want you not to go

But you did

As he sat awake, Remus could have sworn he heard the sound of quiet sobbing. He knew that sound quite well, having made it so much himself. As there was only one other person in the house, he went to go see what the matter was.

Slowly, he made his way to Harry's room. Perhaps he wouldn't be welcome to the boy's thoughts. Perhaps he would be embarrassed at being caught in such emotions.

He stopped in front of the door, remembering the day Sirius' service was held. It was as if the weather were mocking their sorrow. The sun was out, not a cloud in the sky, birds chirping cheerfully. The casket they lowered in to the ground held no body, as it was still behind the curtain. The one he had to hold Harry back from, to keep him from following the only person he was ever close to calling a father.

That was not the only time Remus ever held Harry. Many people reached out to him the day they pretended to bury Sirius, but the only one he allowed to touch him was Remus. The only person who saw him cry was Remus.

Those tear-filled green eyes, so like his mother's, in a face that was so like his father's, but that expression was completely his. Torn and in pain.

"When will it stop hurting, Remus?" he remember being asked while holding the last link to his past. "When can I stop remembering how he was?"

Remus, for the life of him, could not remember how he responded.

He raised his fist to knock on the door, but couldn't find the strength to do so. Instead, he turned and quickly returned to his own bed, feeling guilty for not being able to comfort someone who so obviously needed him.

Remember we used to dance

And everyone wanted to be

You and me

I want to be too

Around sunrise, Remus finally got to sleep, only to be awaken a few hours later by music. Sirius' music. By then, he knew not to get his hopes up. Harry had just discovered the record collection Sirius had. Nothing more, nothing less.

Slowly, he pulled himself out of bed. Before he pulled on his robe, he looked at himself in the mirror. While the transformation took a lot out of him, his former build was coming back. He was no longer living off of bread and water, like he had been after the death. Instead, Harry was cooking full meals and making sure Remus ate them. He said it was the one thing he could do to thank the man for letting him stay. The sunlight he got from working out in the garden turned his skin from the usual pale to a nice sun kissed golden color. His light brown hair had a bit more gray, and his face a few more wrinkles, but also a few more laughing lines. He felt healthier in the few weeks that Harry had been staying with him than that whole year living with Sirius in that horrible house.

He put on his robe and walked out to the living room, amazed to find Harry waltzing across the rug with an invisible partner. The song playing was a slow, sultry Muggle song that Sirius used to play Remus during their romantic dinners together.

The younger man's eyes were shut and he hummed to himself along with the music. The older man had the urge to slip in to his arms and dance with him, but he hadn't done anything like that for years.

The song ended, and Harry opened his eyes, focusing them on Remus' amused face. He jumped in surprise. "Oh, God! I hope I didn't wake you!"

"Oh, no, no. I was up." He took a step closer to Harry. "Who were you dancing with?" The man grinned, a bit wolfishly.

Harry blushed slightly and avoided Remus' eyes. "No one. Just dancing. How about some breakfast?"

"Sounds great."

They walked in to the kitchen together. Harry prepared the meal, and they ate in a comfortable silence.

"Sirius and I used to dance like that," Remus said, breaking the silence and surprising himself. "I used to love that song."

"It's a good song."

"Yes. It is."

Remus stared in to his coffee. After a moment, he could have sworn he felt a gaze on him. He looked up, and gold eyes met green. Harry blushed once again and looked down, stirring his own cup. Remus chuckled.

Another moment of silence went past, this time broken by Harry.

"I always saw you two together, and I always wanted to be part of that."

The werewolf looked at his friend's son curiously. "You were always welcome with us. You should have known that. We would have been more than happy to spend time with you."

"I don't mean like that." He spoke in a mere whisper, making Remus strain to hear him. "I mean I wanted to be with you two. Part of what you had."

It took a second to register. "Oh."

Harry stood up and left the table, leaving Remus to figure out whether or not to follow.

What day is this

Besides the day you left me

What day is this

Besides the day you went

He chose to follow, after giving the younger man a few minutes to himself. Once again, he found himself outside that door, fist raised to knock. And once again, he heard the sound of soft sobs. This time, however, he knocked.

"Go away."

Not the response he wanted, but that was not going to change things.

"Harry, lad, please let me come in."

"Please don't. I can't. I feel like an idiot."

He ignored that and opened the door. As he assumed, Harry was on his bed, crying, a photo album open in his lap. He walked over and sat down next to the boy. "Harry, talk to me. What is this all about?" He looked over at the album and saw a younger version of himself staring right back, accompanied by Sirius, James, Lily, and Peter. It seemed to have been their graduation day. Sirius had his arms around Remus, one of the few times their true feelings were caught on film.

"You're the only one I have left," Harry whispered. The werewolf's heart felt like it had been stabbed by the pain in his voice. "And all I want is to be with you. Not as father and son. I want to love you, and I can't. You don't want me, you want Sirius, and I can't blame you. But I still need you."

Remus took Harry in his arms and rocked him back and forth like he would a child. "I need you too. We need each other. That much is obvious." He ran his hand through the boy's messy hair, letting him cry on his shoulder. "As for the other emotions, let's give it time, alright?"

Harry pulled away. "I hate those kind of answers. I always get those kind of answers. Can I please get some sort of straight answer from you?"

The older man grinned. "We'll talk when you're twenty. Until then, consider me your legal guardian. Nothing more."

So what to do

With the rest of the day's afternoon

Well, isn't it strange how we change

Everything we did

Did I do all that I could

The same Muggle song filled the house once again. Remus could hear it from all the way in the garden. No longer did it fill him with a sense of longing and remorse. Instead, he thought of Harry. His Harry. The Harry that had left almost a year ago and barely sent a single owl.

It also meant someone beside him was in the house.

He walked in to the house and washed his hands in the kitchen sink. From behind, someone grabbed him around the waist. He spun around, sending water right in to the face of his attacker.

"Harry."

"Hello, Remus." He took off his glasses and wiped off the water using the edge of his shirt.

"Happy birthday."

"I'm twenty today."

"I know."

"Believe me now?"

"I think I might."

The younger man took the elder's hand and led him to the living room, where they began to dance, slowly waltzing across the room. It was then Remus understood. He was needed by Harry, just as he had once needed Sirius. They were two different people. Two different types of love. Everything had changed, but not necessarily in a bad way. Loving Harry didn't mean he had to say goodbye to Sirius. It just meant he was healing.

With a smile, he leaned down and kissed the younger man's lips softly.

Remember we used to dance

And everyone wanted to be you and me

I want to be too

What day is this

Besides the day you went babe

What day is this