Scar Mates

PENSIEVE DESTINEE

Dumbledore was eyeing his Potions Master with concern. Although he had anticipated a reaction from the man, he had not expected such distress. Snape was noticeably shaken. He now sat completely still, his eyes closed, one hand cradling his forehead.

"Severus," he said softly. "I see that this has been a shock for you. I had a hunch that you would recognize the token, but I never intended to inflict such anguish." When the man remained silent, he pulled his chair over to sit beside him. Putting an arm around his shoulders, he bent in to say, "Perhaps you could begin by telling me how this object is known to you, Severus?"

Snape shook his head, pulling away to look at the Headmaster. "No, I think we both would best be served, before any explanation on my part, by continuing with the Pensieve." He stared at the old man for a moment, then smiled ruefully. "You are indeed the better card player, Albus. Had you not revealed that card just now, I might have trumped you with the memory we are about to visit. They are related, as I'm sure you already know."

"I know nothing of the sort. I merely guessed that the matter might come up eventually. I expect I have some explaining to do."

"As do I. I suspect that much of what you would ask me will be explained by what you see today."

Fully recovered now, Snape walked to the table to uncover the rune-rimmed basin. A trace of anxiety in his face, he looked up to see the Headmaster give him a reassuring nod. With a stir of his wand, they were gone.

***

They found themselves standing in a large, dimly lit room which, from the look of it, served its occupant as kitchen, library, and bedroom. In one corner was a small sink, bordered by a two-burner stove on one side, and a short counter area on the other. A large round table of scarred dark wood took up most of the center of the room, piled high with parchments and books. In between the table and the small cot pushed against the far wall was a worn, but comfortable chair drawn up close to the fireplace. In it sat young Severus, staring moodily into the fire. He was dressed for going out, his black wool cloak secured at the neck. In his hand he held a piece of parchment, the broken red seal still attached at either end. His face was mostly in shadow, his expression hidden from view, but they saw him look down at the letter for several minutes before carefully tracing something written on it with a fingertip. Then, with a grunt, he raised himself out of the chair, and walked to the table. Placing the letter there, he moved off to the counter where he began to prepare some tea.

Snape guided Dumbledore to the table, remarking as they went, "I wanted you to see how she got me there, how very clever she was. I'd received it three days before, and there was never any question as to whether I would go. I suppose that I should have considered that she might be luring me there for some other reason, but I did not believe that to be the case, especially given our last meeting. And besides, this was Lily. I couldn't believe that she would mean me harm. Her irritating husband perhaps, but not her.

The letter lay open before them on the table. They leaned over to read:

Dear M. Snape,

It was so good to hear from you last month. Your insights into my situation have proven useful, but as you know, making changes to lifelong habits is sometimes difficult and takes time, especially when one has no one to help. All the more reason I remain in your debt for advising me.

My sister is well, thank you. There is now a little Dursley, did you know? She and Vernon have a charming new house in Surrey. You must come to see it with me some time.

Looking forward to our meeting on Wednesday at 1 PM. I know how occupied you are, and appreciate you sparing the time for me. I promise to bring all the books that I've borrowed.

With fond regards,

F. de Lis

Snape smiled after reading it, then said to Dumbledore, "I was surprised that she initiated any contact. Despite her attempts to be cryptic, the message was clear to me after several readings. She appreciated the warning, but James must have been difficult about it. That I deduced from her statement that there was no one to help. The closing was clearly a plea to meet her on Wednesday, and hinted that she had something to give me. At the time I was not sure what that was. It took a little searching on my part to suss out where to find her. She knew that I would remember her sister's name, Petunia, and gave me her brother-in-law's name in the letter itself, along with the location of the house in Surrey. It wasn't very hard to discover the exact location with a little digging. And the letter was without question from Lily herself. I know her script so well. But the signature ruled out any forgery. F. de Lis. It was our own little joke. It was her name in French, and sometimes....when we were....I would call her that." He felt himself blushing, then smiled again, but sadly this time. "It was touching, really, that she thought to protect us by concocting such a diversionary letter, but had I been under any serious suspicion, she might have put me in danger. As it was, it took me less that an hour to get the address in Little Whinging, then I made a trial run to survey the area. I recognized Petunia in the yard, and was satisfied that it was a Muggle neighborhood. I spent the remaining two days puzzling over why she would want to see me." He paused, then said to the Headmaster, "I never mentioned this to you, Albus. There was no opportunity beforehand, and afterward I realized that you would probably already know of their plans."

"Ah yes, it's true, I did know of their plans. And even had you told me afterward that you had met with her, I doubt that you would have felt it important to relate the more personal side of the meeting?"

Snape considered this thoughtfully, then agreed. "No, probably not. I wouldn't have thought that any of your business."

Dumbledore laughed. "Yet, had I been truly informed, I might have had some suspicions about what she was up to. But it was not meant to be so. Besides, you were still feeling your way with me, I suppose, and getting used to my intrusions into your life, those past few weeks."

Snape snorted. "My life? Rather, my mind, Albus. When I first started to report to you, I wondered sometimes why we even bothered with speech at all. I was not accustomed to being searched in such a manner. I found it rather disconcerting, if truth be told."

The old man patted him on the shoulder. "It was needed less and less, as time went by, until I discovered the accord between your words and your thoughts. You did eventually gain my trust."

Severus stood at the sink, finishing his tea. He took a step sideways to look out the only window in the room, searching the street below. Then he turned and walked toward them to reach down and pick up the parchment they had been examining. After reading it through one last time, he took it to the fireplace and dropped it in. Within seconds it blazed, then blackened. He reached down for the poker, and stabbed the remnant until its ashes were mixed with those in the grate. Replacing the tool, he took one last look around the room, then strode to the door. As he closed it, the two observers felt the upwards tug, and were also on their way again.

They stood behind Severus, who was standing across the street from Number Four Privet Drive. He was leaning against a small tree, studying the house for signs of activity.

Snape informed the Headmaster. "You know, Albus, this is exactly where I stood this past summer when you sent me on that little mission to sort out why the boy wasn't receiving his letter. Or letters, should I say?" he drawled, a trace of humor in his voice. "It's much changed, in the boy's time. The houses aren't nearly so similar, the trees are much taller, and the neighborhood looks more.... lived in. Here," he waved toward the scene before them, "the houses had very few distinguishing features, and I was thankful that they were so clearly numbered." A big "Four" was painted on a small plaque by the front door.

After glancing up and down the street, Severus quickly crossed the drive and took the walkway to the house. Before he even knocked, the door was opened. A clearly nervous Lily Potter took in the street and her visitor in one glance, then nodded, saying, "Come in, Severus." He entered behind her, and followed down the narrow hall, noticing that her pinned-up hair was escaping its clasp, and that she seemed thinner than he remembered. She led him into the kitchen, where the shades had been drawn down, and a kettle was warming on the stove.

"It's more private here," she said apologetically. "Can I take your cloak, then?" She watched as he removed it, then realized that she needed both hands to take it from him. Shifting the baby from her hip, she extending him unceremoniously to Severus as she asked, "Hold him for just a minute so I can take that for you." Without waiting for a response, the child was suddenly in his arms as she left them both to walk to a coat rack down the hallway.

If the child was discomfited by being suddenly thrust into the arms of a stranger, he did not show it. Leaning back in his grasp a little, the boy seemed to be studying him seriously. Severus' breath caught in his throat. The child had to be small for his age--he was well- contained in just the crook of his large arm. He had James' unruly black hair and high forehead, but the eyes, those eyes, there was no mistaking from where they had come. They were a brilliant green, and as they continued to gaze out at him, he felt his heart lurch. And still they stared at him solemnly.

He was aware that Lily had returned, and stood leaning against the door jamb, watching them. Then, unexpectedly, the child reached both arms up to Severus' neck, then laid his head on the startled man's chest. He lay there quietly, tapping a little hand on the back of the man's shoulder. Severus' eyes flickered with something unreadable, then looked toward Lily, who was smiling with obvious satisfaction at the sight.

"Lily," he pleaded. "Can you...."

"He's taken with you, Severus. I've never seen him do that before. He's at that age where he's very way of strangers. You should be flattered." She gestured to the wooden rocker in the corner. "Would you mind just rocking him for a little while? It's time for his nap, and he's almost asleep. I can put him down then, and he'll be out for hours."

Severus hesitated, clearly uncomfortable in this role, then sighed and lowered himself into the rocker. Lily was watching with an amused smile. The little head remained on his chest, and a small hand had come up to twirl in a lock of the man's hair. "You're enjoying this, aren't you?" he asked her with a wry smile.

"Severus," she prompted him. "Rock."

Nodding slightly, he cautiously started the rocker in motion, and felt the little body relax against him.

Snape smiled a knowing smile. "She was sending us out for a test run. She had it all in place before I arrived, and she wanted to see it in action. The connection had already been forged. Cunning little Gryffindor."

Dumbledore smiled too, as he watched the scene. "Having had no experience with babies, you did not find it nearly as surprising as you should have that the child took to you so quickly. I believe you are correct. This is why she needed to see you. And...to bestow a gift?" the old man asked slyly.

Snape rolled his eyes, deciding he would not stoop to answer. "Watch and find out, Albus."

They watched as Severus continued to rock the child while Lily prepared the tea. By the time she had the table set, the child was asleep, the hand that had been wrapped in his hair was now stilled on his shoulder. Lily was again watching them as she leaned against the stove. Severus had closed his eyes, somehow comforted by the warm weight on his chest, and was rubbing small circles on the child's back. The only sound in the room was the rhythmic creak of the rocker.

Snape said, a trace of awe in his voice, "It's a strange feeling, holding a child like that. He was so completely vulnerable and trusting. And I remember feeling....protective, that I would do anything in my power to keep him from harm. But we know from where that impulse came," he concluded softly.

Dumbledore shook his head. "Yes, and no, Severus. You were perhaps manipulated a bit, but holding and comforting a small child, as you were, would evoke similar sentiments in any decent man."

Lily, who had continued to watch them in silence, now brushed at her eyes with the back of her hand. Walking to the doorway, she whispered, "Severus," and motioned for him to follow. Slowing the rocker to a stop, he rose cautiously, being careful not to shift the sleeping child. He followed Lily into the sitting room at the front of the house, where she gestured to him to lay the boy on the couch. His eyes widened, then he shrugged his shoulders helplessly. Understanding that he had no idea as to how to accomplish such a maneuver, she reached out and tenderly disengaged the child's hands from his neck. Pulling the boy toward her own chest, she swung around, and in one fluid movement deposited him on his stomach onto the soft couch. The child sighed once contentedly, then slumbered on. Severus watched as she placed several large cushions on the floor by the edge of the couch.

Snape sighed. "How is it that women are so good at these things? They just intuitively know what needs to be done and how to do it."

Dumbledore told him, "Yes, they do, and it is wise to remember, my boy, that they will kill, even give their own lives if need be, to protect their young. They resort to lesser measures also, as a rule, as we are both now humbly aware."

Lily and Severus now sat at the table in the kitchen. "I'm so relieved you came, Severus. I wasn't sure you'd received my owl," she began.

He was watching her closely, still curious as to why she would risk sending for him, but also knew he had to get something out of the way first. "Lily, you knew I'd come. I could not, however, signal my intentions by owl. Surely you realized that? I couldn't be sure who would be with you on the receipt of it."

She flushed. "Of course. I understand that. And I wouldn't have asked if...."

He held up a hand. "First things first. I'm sorry, but what are your circumstances here?

Are you alone for the day? And who else knows you are here?"

She straightened at the questions. "Oh. Right. That is important, I guess. Petunia and her family are away visiting Vernon's aunt, and James....James won't be back until late tonight. He's....at Hogwart's with Sirius and Peter. No one else knows I'm here." She paused, distracted by some inner thoughts. "We've been here for several weeks. We decided we weren't safe....where we were. And now....we're working on another place. We certainly can't stay here much longer." She made a face. "You know me and Petunia, Severus. Like oil and water. But she's come through for us this time. She doesn't approve of us, but she does feel a duty as family." While she had been talking, she had nervously shredded her paper napkin.

Snape told Dumbledore, "I was sitting there listening to her, all the while trying to figure out why I was there. Mind you, I was glad to be sitting there with her, making small talk, but I sensed that something was wrong, because it wasn't like her to not have a damned good reason for initiating contact with me, given my....circumstances."

"I'm glad you had somewhere to stay, someplace safe," Severus murmured, not taking his eyes off her face. Her hands stilled at the tone of his voice. He continued, trying to catch her eyes. "You know that there are things of which....I cannot speak.....but you must continue to stay out of sight. I wish I could say for how long. But if you and James were less visible, and less vocal for awhile, it would probably help to lessen....the Dark Lord's interest in you."

She laughed then, but not happily. She stared at him for a moment, then started to laugh again, and this time found that she could not stop, and continued to laugh until, suddenly, the laughs had become sobs, sobs that shook her tiny frame, and ended with her placing her head on her arms on the table top, as she continued to cry. Severus sat transfixed by the sudden transformation.

Shaking his head slightly, as if to clear it, he knelt on one knee beside her chair, then tentatively reach out a hand to stroke the back of her head. "Lily? Lily," he implored gently, "what is it? There's something more to this, isn't there?" He continued to try to comfort her, then resumed. "Come on, Lily. Is this why you called me here? Whatever it is, I'll do what I can, I promise you." The words were barely out of his mouth when she flung both arms around his neck, leaving him to struggle to keep from falling backward. Both of his hands were stretched out in mid air, caught by surprise. Then, with a sigh, he wrapped them around her, continuing to stroke her hair as she wept quietly.

"I was long ago resigned to her status as James Potter's wife. I wasn't too sure where this was going, but my intentions were never other than honorable, I assure you. Married or not, she was still my friend, for my part, even my best friend as I had no others, and I was determined to help her, and James by extension, in any way I could."

Dumbledore was mildly surprised. "My boy, I never suspected there would be anything improper on your part. Or hers, for that matter. You still loved each other, however, and that is why she took a certain license with you when it came to Harry. But we're getting ahead of ourselves, aren't we?"

Snape tried to hide his irritation over the old man's predilection for divulging facts which he would then decline to explain. "I'm sure I'll understand what you just said at some unknown point in the unknown future," he remarked with ill-concealed sarcasm. Dumbledore did not reply, only nodded, his attention fixed on the scene before them.

Very gently, but firmly, Severus disengaged himself from the embrace. Pulling his chair around, he sat near her, their knees almost touching. Taking out his handkerchief, he lifted her chin and dabbed around her eyes, then pressed it into her hand. As he watched her regain her composure, his face darkened. There was pity, and certainly concern, but also something deeper that betrayed his thoughts.

"I came dangerously close to telling her, right at that moment, that I really was in a position to help her, that I'd turned to you and had been taken in. It wasn't just that, of course. Her opinion of what I was mattered to me. It was the only one that ever really had mattered. And in that moment, the temptation to tell her was almost exquisite."

They watched as Lily, red and puffy-eyed, turned to Severus. "Thank you, Severus. I guess I needed that." She made a motion to return his now sodden handkerchief, but he waved it away, shaking his head.

"Lily, it's been almost four years since we were together, but I know you pretty well still.

I know when you're not speaking your mind. Don't insult me. Now, given our....situations, I can appreciate that there are certain things that you cannot tell me, but I assure you, anything you say to me will be held in strictest confidence. Otherwise, why did you bring me here?" He took both of her hands in his, ducking his head a little to catch her downcast eyes. "Lily, what can I do to help? Just ask."

She chewed her lower lip, the lines of tension standing out in her forehead as she struggled with some inner emotion. "Oh, Severus, it's not as simple as pulling ourselves out of the conflict. Voldemort...." she let her eyes drop from his once more, "...he has other reasons for wanting to destroy us, reasons we've just been made aware of. I can't tell you what they are. I've probably said too much as it is, but we've finally accepted that we have to disappear completely. That's where James is now, finalizing the arrangements. There are so many loose ends to tie up when you're planning an....escape such as this. Especially as we don't know how long it will be....before we can....come back."

Severus kept hold of her hands, but looked stunned. His face was stone-like in concentration for a moment, but as realization swept over him, it became flooded with something akin to relief. Sitting back in his chair, he dropped her hands, and she eyed him fearfully. When he caught the look on her face, he leaned in to reassure her. Brushing the hair back from her face, he said to her mildly, "You're going to use the Fidelius Charm, aren't you, you and James? That's how you're going to disappear completely, isn't it?" When she hesitated, he told her, "Don't tell me, Lily. I don't need to know. But now I understand why you're so upset. It is a drastic measure. The isolation will be very difficult for you, I'm sure. You have family....and friends whom you'll miss." He cocked his head, watching her. As she remained silent, he said to her, "I am not made privy to all the Dark Lord plans, Lily, and I can't imagine what this other....reason he might have to come after you and James might be. Are you sure that your source is reliable?"

She nodded, fighting back the tears once again. "It's not just James and me-- he wants to harm Harry too." Severus nodded at her reply, for he could not deny the truth of it. The Dark Lord very often chose not to leave children who would one day decide to avenge their parent's deaths.

Snape turned slowly to Dumbledore, placing a hand on the man's arm. "It was against Harry that this new threat was made, wasn't it? You told me not too long ago that there were things about the boy that I did not yet know. It started this long ago, with this threat, didn't it, Albus? That's why they resorted to the Fidelius Charm. It had something to do with Voldemort wanting to kill the boy."

Dumbledore nodded gravely. "You sat in that chair and held the boy, Severus, and you told me that you felt the need to protect him. What you experienced was only a fraction of what a parent would feel in needing to protect his own child in the face of danger." He patted the younger man's hand. "They were willing to take precautions, and move from place to place, but when it was made known to them that Voldemort would seek them out to kill the child, then the decision to use the Fidelius Charm was made in an instant. They had no other choice."

Sanpe's mind was reeling. "But why would he want to kill the child?" he said, half to himself.

"That will be made clear in due time, but not now. Suffice it to say that the tip they received was authentic."

Snape could only wonder at this. He said to the old man, "You have your reasons, I'm sure. And once I realized what they were planning, and that James was at Hogwart's, I knew that you must've been helping them with it. I was glad too, that I hadn't confessed my defection. It would've complicated things for you, and me as well, had they ever been taken alive."

Dumbledore shook his head. "A just concern, Severus, but he never intended for them to be taken alive. We know that now."

Severus was eyeing Lily doubtfully as he queried, "Is this why you wanted me to come, Lily, to tell me that you were going to disappear? You don't have to tell me it's a Fidelius. I understand."

Composed now, she held her head in both her hands, elbows on the table. Removing one hand, she looked at him as she said, "Yes. I wanted to tell you face to face, especially since you'd been kind enough to warn me. I thought you did that because....you knew about this other reason he had for coming after us. You're right, it is hard to have to wrap up your whole life so you can just drop off the face of the earth, but for some reason, I just couldn't do that to you without explaining." She paused. "Without saying goodbye. You looked almost at death's door the last time I saw you, Severus. I've been very worried about you." He smiled at that, and she smiled in return. "But you look better now. I'm glad. I still....care about you, Severus, in spite of everything." Now she frowned. "Why do you look so much better, or is it something I really don't want to know?

He laughed out loud. "You told me to take better care of myself, Lily, and I took your advice. That's all." She didn't look like she believed him, but let it go at that.

Pushing back his chair, he made as if ready to stand. "I should be going. I've been here awhile, and I have somewhere I must be tonight. But I'm glad you asked me to come, Lily. I would've wondered, and worried, had you just disappeared. Like you....I still care....a great deal for you. Nothing has ever changed in that regard."

She reached over and took hold of his hand, obviously moved when he brought it up to his cheek. He closed his eyes, and they stayed that way for a moment, the unspoken words laying heavily between them. Then pulling away from him, she rose and walked to a drawer under the countertop. Sliding it open she withdrew a small box. Returning to the table with it, she placed it in front of him, and said, a little tremulously, "I want you to have this, to remember me while I'm gone."

A question in his eyes, he reached out and carefully removed the lid. He lifted out a finely wrought gold chain, on which hung a dazzling red and black stone. Laying it on his palm, he saw as he examined it that the stone was actually a small convex globe encrusted with tiny black and red gems that glittered in the light as he turned it. The chain was threaded through two tiny clasps on either side of the stone, and it was long enough that it could easily be slipped over the head. He stared at it, admiring the workmanship, before looking up to say, "It's beautiful, Lily, it really is. I don't know what to say. How can you bear to part with it? You should keep it. One day you'll want to...."

"Severus, it's mine to give, and I want you to have it. It's true, it is very precious to me, but that makes the giving of it all the more sweet. Promise me that you'll keep it. I know I can't expect you to wear such a thing, but it means the world to me just knowing that you'll have it. You'll have a small part of me, in case something happens."

His eyes clouded as he carefully lowered the pendant back into the box. "Don't you dare make this a goodbye to me, Lily Evans, or I won't have any part of it. You're going to be fine, all of you." He slipped the box into his pocket.

She was smiling at him now, happy that he had agreed to accept her gift. "It'll bring you luck as well, Severus. I'm so glad you like it."

They stood then, and he followed her down the hallway where she made to retrieve his cloak. While he waited, he looked in to see the boy sleeping soundly, a small fist at his mouth. He felt a pang of....but before he could name it, it was gone.

Swirling the cloak over his shoulders, he met her eyes as he was fastening the clasp. The green eyes seemed bottomless, and for a moment time stood still.

Then there was nothing left but to say goodbye. Standing on her tiptoes, her hands on his shoulders, he believed she was going to kiss his cheek, when at the last moment her lips brushed his. Startled, he froze. Then as her lips found his again, he slid his arms around her waist. Her mouth parted under his, and it seemed only natural then that the kiss would deepen, her mouth exploring his, releasing a rush of memory that he could not push back. Then her fingers were in his hair, and he pulled her close. Once again they were just Lily and Severus, stealing a moment's pleasure when the rare opportunity presented itself.

When they finally pulled apart, they looked at each other, unsmiling, no regret in either pair of eyes. Taking hold of her shoulders, he let his lips rest briefly on her forehead. Releasing her reluctantly, he opened the door and stepped out. Taking a brief look around, he started down the walk and never looked back.

"I think there was still love there," the Headmaster said.

"But then love was never the problem, Albus."