Scar Mates

PENSIEVE REPRISE

Almost a week after Halloween, the weather had finally turned cold. Snape folded his arms inside his cloak as he skirted the edge of the courtyard. Students who saw him coming gave him a wide berth. If possible, his scowl seemed fouler than usual. He radiated ill temper.

He had almost gained the doorway when a trio of heads together caught his eye. Without thinking, he changed his course, heading for the group. Ah, yes. The Gryffindor Musketeers. What new devilry are they up to now?

He concentrated, and by the time he reached them, he was mentally shielded. They saw him at the last minute, and had not very subtly hidden something from view, trying to assume innocent expressions as he bore down on them. He made a conscious effort to hide his limp as they turned to face him.

"What's that you've got there, Potter?"

Reluctantly, the boy drew out a book from the folds of his cloak and held it out.

Quidditch Through the Ages, he read. Ah, yes. Quidditch tomorrow. I'll get to see my little investment put into action. He glared at the boy.

"Library books are not to be taken outside the school. Give it to me. Five points from Gryffindor." They stood, gaping, as he brushed past them and continued his path to the castle door. That went well, he thought. But it always goes well when I know it's coming. It's those infernal surprises that cut me off at the legs.

Entering his dungeon rooms, he saw the Headmaster had arrived before him, and that tea had already been poured. He passed it by, heading for the sideboard instead, giving Dumbledore a nod and a curt "Albus."

Dumbledore greeted him and watched as the man poured himself a brandy.

"A bit early in the day, don't you think, Severus?"

Snape sniffed, then swirled his brandy, as he threw his lanky form into the opposite chair.

"It's after lunch. That's my prohibition-nothing before lunch." He paused, then forced himself to look the old man straight in the eye. "Believe me, I'm going to need it. The last time was difficult, but this..." He shuddered, staring at the glass for a moment, then seemed to make a swift decision.

Downing the rest of the brandy, he pushed himself out of the chair, and walked to the table. After staring at the waiting Pensieve for a moment, he looked up to see the Headmaster standing across the table from him, his eyes grave.

"How many more, Severus?"

Snape shook his head. "I'm not sure. If you want a complete picture...four, maybe five. There are some things, some background that we can just discuss. I suppose you want to see the 'significant' ones."

Dumbeldore sighed. "Well, yes, therein lay the problem, Severus. What I see as significant, you may not. And some of these memories you may subconsciously want to protect."

Snape started to speak, then stopped abruptly. He rubbed his forehead with his thumb and forefinger as he considered his answer. "From this point on, Albus, every encounter is significant. I have no intention of hiding them from you, consciously or otherwise. You realize, of course, it is in my best interests to resolve this as quickly as possible. And, in the boy's, also. I do not wish him ill." He relented a bit. "Just the normal ill will I harbor towards all Gryffindors who would deprive my house of the cup."

The laughter had returned to the Headmaster's eyes. "Well, we'll see tomorrow at the first Quidditch match how much of a threat he will present in that regard. If you're ready then, Severus?"

Snape stirred the shimmering liquid with the tip of his wand. The two men leaned in over it, their foreheads almost touching across the table, and were drawn down and in. There was the usual disorientation, as sight and hearing were momentarily suspended.

Once again they found themselves standing by a bed. Severus lay on his side facing them, with Lily curled in to spoon him, his arm draped over her hip, holding her to him at the waist. Severus was propped up on an elbow behind her, as he leaned over planting tender kisses on her exposed neck and shoulder. She trembled, and snuggled closer into the curve of his body.

"After the Sorting Ceremony and feast. Seventh year. She was Head Girl, thus the private rooms. Finally a place for us to be together without needing to sneak off somewhere." Snape stopped, then added, "It was short-lived."

Dumbledore looked at him gravely before asking. "Why was that, Severus?"

Snape pursed his lips. "We were not together much longer."

When Dumbledore did not probe further, he added, "I ended it."

Years of experience in extracting details from reluctant raconteurs kept the Headmaster silent once more.

"I was a fool," Snape confessed.

Dumbledore did not disagree.

The couple was talking now, the afterglow of their lovemaking still flushed on their faces. Lily had rolled onto her back, still encircled in Severus' arms. As she talked, he stroked her face and arms, intent on listening, his unlined face open and expressive.

Dumbledore looked from the young lover to the man standing at his side. This man's face was etched with suffering and care, ravaged by time and choices. So many casualties in a war that produced only victims. His resolve hardened as he watched his Potions Master's obvious distress. I will find a way to help him sort this out.

"This is what I brought you to witness," Snape was saying.

"I didn't know you knew Lucius Malfoy, Severus."

"I know the family, actually. All the pureblood families are connected in some way, either by blood or by marriage. I only knew Lucius to see him-he was a seventh when we were firsts. It's not such a difference now that I'm nearly eighteen." He paused, drawing lazy circles on the smooth skin of her shoulder. "I met up with him in Diagon Alley shortly after the holidays began, and he invited me to Malfoy Manor for dinner." He stopped stroking her, his eyes betraying his preoccupation with what he was about to tell her.

Lily touched his face and said softly in concern, "Severus, what is it?"

He studied her face, waiting for her reaction as he told her. "I spent the rest of the summer at Malfoy Manor."

She stiffened in his arms. "You spent the summer with the Malfoys?" she asked, her eyes wide.

He frowned at her reaction. "Yes, I did. You know there's nothing for me at home. I doubt I was even missed."

She was digging her heels into the bed now, pushing herself up into a sitting position, the embrace now broken. "But Severus, with the Malfoys?" Her voice held a trace of indignation. "You know what everyone says about them. And the Crabbes and the Goyles, not to mention the..."

He was sitting upright now too, twisting sideways to face her. "I know, Lily. But Lucius took an interest in me. In me, Lily. He heard about my OWLs, and how I took a first in Potions. He wanted to help me explore my options, for when I leave here."

The frown on her face was making him desperate. "Lily, I don't want to end up doing obscure research for the Ministry. You know I'll never fit in there. It would be so much like being...here," he finished quietly.

She took pity on him then, leaning over to cup his cheek with her hand. "Oh, Severus, but the Malfoys? Everyone knows they're in deep with that madman. They and the others have thrown in their lot with him. People are saying they're practicing the Dark Arts, and want to purify the wizarding lines using it. How can you want to be involved with people like that? Surely, if you don't want to work at the Ministry, there must be other options, besides taking up with their sort?"

"Where, Lily? Where are my other options? No one will take me to apprentice. You know I've tried. I do fine until the personal interview, then the door slams shut. I'm running out of time. I have to make a decision soon, or I'll be left with nothing. Father's made it perfectly clear that I can't go home. Not that I'd want to anyway."

He removed her hand from his face, but still held it between his own, as he gazed at her solemnly. Taking a breath he continued. "I'm meeting with them again next month to discuss a...potions position. Lily, they see something in me. I want to be somewhere where I would..."

"Be important?" she finished for him. "Oh, Severus, you have so little confidence in yourself, in your abilities. You can't waste yourself with people like this, for reasons like this. They'll take all that's good in you and misuse it-and you. And in the end, you'll end up hating yourself for it." She finished with a pleading note in her voice.

When he wouldn't meet her eyes, she threw her arms around him and pulled him in.

"Promise me you won't make a decision just yet. You still have some time. I just know it would end badly for you, Severus. For us."

He pulled back to look at her face.

"They don't tolerate my kind, Severus. Surely you know what that will mean. Would you let that happen to us?" When she shuddered, he pulled her reflexively back into his arms, and murmured huskily into her hair;

"Nothing is going to happen to us, Lily"

"Liar," Snape remarked softly. He and Dumbledore watched as the young man gently rocked her. "That was the beginning of the end. We didn't speak of it often, but it was always there, this question between us. The future we'd never planned, but taken for granted, became unclear. And after I met with Lucius and Voldemort at Halloween, she knew. I didn't tell her I'd made my decision, but we never talked of a future together again."

They stood in silence for awhile, as the couple before them began renewing their intimacy. Snape took the Headmaster by the arm and pulled him away. With a nod, they swirled once more into the dark chasm.

They were standing again in the same room, facing the young couple sitting side by side, fully-clothed, on the edge of the bed. Young Severus was holding a book just recently liberated from its birthday wrapping. There was an uncomfortable silence in the room as he fingered the book, fanning through the pages.

"This is great, Lily. Thanks."

"When, Severus?" she asked, looking down into her hands.

"Oh. Well, yes. On my birthday. There is to be a sort of...welcoming party."

She snorted. "I bet."

Exasperated, he turned to her. "Look, Lily. I don't see why you aren't happy for me. It's what I want. It's the best chance I'll have."

She turned to him now, her green eyes flashing. "Happy? Happy for you? How could I be? We both know what you're committing yourself to. Or at least one of us does. This is Lily Evans you're talking to here. Remember me, Severus? Just so you go into this with both eyes open. We both know what you're walking into. I can't even begin to imagine how you've rationalized this inside your head, or that you're so needy that you'll turn you back on the one person who truly loves you." She gave a little sob, as she reached out to touch his shoulder. "I don't want to lose you, Severus. Not this way."

He stared at her sudden display of emotion, his dark eyes taking in every inch of her. Then very gently, as if in slow motion, he reached out a finger to brush away the tear that had spilled over onto her cheek.

"Don't Lily. I'm not worth it."

Standing in front of her, he bent down and brushed her lips with a chaste kiss. "Besides, you have James now."

Turning his back with a swirl of robes, he crossed to the door. As it shut with a snick, Lily slid to the floor, collapsing in on herself, as she gave in to her grief.

"She had started spending more time with James, once it became clear what I was going to do. I had no right to be jealous. Nonetheless, I was. It was difficult seeing them together, considering how he Black had always treated me." Snape and Dumbledore watched sadly for a moment, then once more spiraled upwards and out.

They sat in front of the fire, Snape nursing his second brandy of the day, his forehead furrowed as he sat lost in his thoughts. Dumbledore let him be for awhile, as he considered all that he'd seen that day. He would wait for the Potions Master to speak in his own time.

Finally, Snape seemed to notice the silence, and remembered that he was not alone.

Now comes the dissection, he thought. He rolled his head to the side and caught the Headmaster serenely waiting for him to speak. Ah, Albus. I wonder if you knew what you were getting yourself into when you took me on."

"Of course I did, Severus. And I have no regrets."

"Damn it, Albus. It's irritating enough to know you can muck about in my mind. But do you have to rub my nose in it?"

The old man laughed out loud, the lines around his eyes crinkled. "But you make it so easy, my boy. You were thinking so loudly that I didn't even have to apply myself."

Snape harrumphed at that, but settled back in his chair, more relaxed now. "Well, now you have seen it, Albus. The great love and loss of my life. Seeing it again was more painful than I could've imagined, realizing what a great dunderhead I really was. The whole time we were together was like a dream that was too good to be true. It was my choice to end it, and my choices that it made it imperative that I end it."

"Did Voldemort know about her?"

Snape frowned in concentration. "No, I don't believe so. I never really talked about her, even to Lucius. Perhaps they knew, but I tried very hard not to show weakness of any kind. I was very confused at the time. I compartmentalized my life-it was the only way to hold all the conflicting parts of myself together.

I wanted both worlds, actually. I knew by the end of the summer that it would have to one or the other. And in the end, it was when I considered what kind of life I could offer Lily that I decided which path I would choose. What would a life with me have done to her, Albus? I had no friends to speak of. I could've worked at the Ministry, but we would have been isolated. Her friends didn't accept me, and I'm sure her family would not have thrown out the welcome mat either.

No, I was too afraid of making her miserable, of having her world revolve around me, and her finding that I was not enough. As for my choice...well, you know what they say about power, or in my case, the promise of power. My head was turned by it all...to be someone important...no matter that I managed to turn a blind eye to what he really was. By the time I had figured that out, I was irretrievably addicted to the new Severus Snape, who commanded respect, and deference, and fear."

There was color in his cheeks now, and he was breathing more rapidly than normal. He leaned forward, elbows on his knees, palms placed against his forehead. Dumbledore sat across from him, unmoving, his eyes glittering with unspoken empathy. He waited until the Potions Master sat back and had taken up his brandy again. Standing, he stepped around the small table separating them, coming to stand directly in front of the distressed man. Then he sat on the small table and reached out to take both of the younger man's long, slender hands in his own. Snape felt the silent command to look up and meet the man's eyes.

"Yes, you are right, Severus. Your choice. But as I recall, several years later, you made another choice. This choice, unlike the other, was made in maturity, with full knowledge and with full awareness of its consequences. You cannot define yourself by only that first choice. Logic demands that you factor in the second as well. After all, you have followed that course far longer."

Sitting back, he released Snape's hands, considering him. In his misery, the younger man's mind was fully open before him. Dumbledore did not take advantage of his friend's emotional state for very long before continuing.

"We are still not at the heart of the matter. You fell in love with each other, and your attachment, I surmise, was not just the typical adolescent infatuation. Then, due to your...ambition...you abandoned her."

Snape winced, but nodded. He was not being let off easily.

"And I'm assuming since we are experiencing this dilemma with Harry, that there is more I must see."

Snape would not meet his eyes, staring aside into the fire. Tonelessly, he muttered,

"Brace your heart, Albus. The worst is yet to come." He sat motionless, thinking that he had failed to inject the intended irony. "Three more. The first is the Potter wedding."

He grimaced as he said haltingly, "The last was the night of her death."

"I was surprised to see you at their wedding," Dumbledore commented.

Snape shook his head, his mouth twisted in a rueful smile. "Surprised that I was invited, or that I chose to attend?"

"Knowing what I know now, surprised that you would attend. I can see that as Lily had loved you, she might invite you. That you chose to attend is puzzling, although I could understand it now, in light of how you truly felt about her, and your propensity to punish yourself."

Snape leaned back in the chair, resting his head on the back of it to stare at the ceiling.

"I always wondered how she talked James into it...and what her motive was in doing so. Knowing Lily as I did, I knew it was not some sort of punishment. She was too kind for that." He reached up to massage his temples, then ran both hands back through his hair.

"Strangely enough, when I received the invitation, not attending never crossed my mind. I knew it would be awkward, well, painful, but nevertheless, something compelled me to go."

He sat up now, his eyes tracking in to the Headmaster's. "A morbid fascination, if you will, wanting to view the panorama where I might have been center stage, had I chosen otherwise." He motion weakly towards the Pensieve. "If you're ready..."

Dumbledore studied the man thoughtfully for a moment before saying, "No, I think not. You are exhausted, and I want you to sleep now. We can take this up tomorrow after the Quidditch match, if you will." Snape inclined his head slightly in assent.

He stood to go, pausing by Snape's chair to place a hand kindly on the man's shoulder.

"We are making progress, my boy. I have something to prepare for our next meeting as well, that I think may be helpful."

Snape glanced up at him, curious. "Hiding some cards, are we, Albus?"

Dumbledore laughed. "You know me well, Severus. As well as anyone, I suppose. I love a good card game, and a timely-placed card can take the game." His compassionate eyes twinkled with mischief. "See you at the match. Now, sleep."

The door closing softly behind him, Snape thought to himself, I should have known. Wily old coot.