Scar Mates

THE PENSIEVE

Snape sat before his fire, fidgeting nervously with the book in his lap. He awaited the arrival of the Headmaster, who felt this first session best be conducted in Snape's own quarters. Snape knew it was because they were going to use his Pensieve, but suspected that the Headmaster wanted him to be as much at ease as possible, considering what they were about to do. He had delayed this session for as long as he dared, until last night when the point had been painfully driven home that he's put if off long enough.

He had come upon the typical Slytherin/Gryffindor skirmish in the corridor. Stepping in to settle it, he had come face-to-face with a red-faced Harry Potter. They'd glared at one another momentarily, when the boy clutched his hand suddenly to his forehead. By then Snape had felt the painful pulsing in his arm. Gritting his teeth, he'd dispensed the necessary detentions, and turning on his heels, fled reluctantly to Dumbledore's office. He knew that the old man had been waiting for him to come voluntarily.

After relating what had just occurred, the suggestion to use his Pensieve had been so quickly forthcoming that Snape knew that the man had had it in mind for some time. On some level, he knew, he had suspected this to be the logical course of action--and thus his reluctance to come to the Headmaster. He'd protested at first, but knew that the Pensieve was the only way for Dumbledore to view the relationship objectively. He realized that although he trusted his Headmaster implicitly, he himself would have unintentionally sifted and filtered the events were he to relate them, to the point that they might be useless. This in itself was testimony to his trust in the old man. He was about to bare his soul, and reveal a side of himself that no other living person had seen. Living, he reminded himself.

Dumbledore having arrived by floo, Snape had declined the suggestion that they have tea first. He was aching to have this over and done. These were memories he tried not to allow himself to dwell upon. Lily Evans was not a subject he could ever consider without paying a price. But Dumbledore had convinced him that his history with her might, at least in part, provide the explanation for the disturbing connection between himself and the boy. He was willing to visit the Pensieve with the Headmaster, only because he detested his ambivalent feelings for the boy. It would be so much easier to see him as just another first year. However, even if the connection were identified and dealt with, he knew that he would never be able to consider the boy as ordinary. He was, after all, his mother's son.

The two men stood by the table. Snape poised his wand over the surface of the prepared Pensieve and paused, looking to the Headmaster for permission to begin.

Dumbledore nodded at him encouragingly and said softly, "From the beginning then, Severus." Snape swirled the tip of his wand over the surface of the pearl-colored liquid, his eyes closed. Together the two men bent over the Pensieve, and the fluid cleared as a scene crystallized beneath them. There ensued an immediate disorientation, a rushing sound in their ears.

Finally sensing himself upright, Snape heard Dumbledore remark softly at his side. "Ah yes, the Hogwart's Express. On the way to school, I presume. What year, Severus?"

The two men were standing behind a tall, gangly teenager in the train corridor, who was peering into a compartment.

"Fourth. I couldn't find an empty compartment. I wasn't usually welcome, you see."

As they watched, the fourteen year old Severus slid open the door and said, "Mind if I sit here? Everywhere else is full up."

Over his shoulder they saw a pretty, green-eyed girl look up at him. "Oh, sure. I was expecting some others, but they must have decided on somewhere else. Be glad for someone to talk to, otherwise the trip seems to go on forever."

The young Severus stepped in and self-consciously arranged his long limbs in the seat opposite the girl. He looked around, obviously ill at ease, not sure where to rest his eyes. They finally settled on the girl's face, who was watching him with a small smile. Catching his eye, she smiled warmly and said, "I'm Lily Evans. I've seen you at school, but I don't know your name."

"Severus. Severus Snape. Slytherin."

She grinned. "I guessed by your cloak. Gryffindor, myself. Still want to sit with me?"

She was teasing him, but he did not catch it.

"Wha...I mean...no...I mean..." He stopped, realizing he was making things worse.

"I didn't mean anything by it. I don't have a problem just because you're a Gryffindor."

Snape snorted, and Dumbledore looked at him with eyebrows raised.

"Nothing. It's just that she had to know that most Slytherins would have a problem with sitting with a Gryffindor." His face softened. "She was different, though. She didn't indulge in petty house prejudices. She was loyal to Gryffindor, but she didn't let that limit her friendships. I was surprised that she was so friendly."

They turned back to the couple.

"All right Severus. How was your holiday?"

The boy shrugged, answering without looking at her. "The way it normally is--boring and long. I couldn't wait to come back." He dared to look at her now.

"Really? I feel the same way. My family isn't very sympathetic about my being a witch. They're Muggles. Not that there's anything wrong with Muggles, but I think they're still overwhelmed by the whole magic-is-real thing." She stopped, examining her fingernails.

Severus looked shocked.

Snape softly said, "She confused me. I had the natural pureblood antipathy for Muggles. But she was very nice to me, and I was already attracted to her."

Dumbledore added quietly, "Many students drop those preconceptions when faced with evidence to the contrary, especially in the form of someone they like or admire."

Young Severus, studying the girl, took up the conversation. "I can't even imagine what it must be like to be thrown into the wizarding world. It's all I've ever known. I guess it would be hard, having to live in both worlds. But you seem to fit in at Hogwart's."

Lily looked at him closely. "What makes you think I fit in at Hogwart's?"

He smiled shyly now. "I've noticed you. You have lots of friends. We had classes together last year, you know."

She sighed. "I'm sorry. Like I said, I know I've seen you at school. I couldn't place just where."

An uncomfortable silence grew between them.

"It was Potions," he said.

"Oh really? That explains it then. I love Potions. That's probably why I haven't noticed you. It's my favorite subject, and I really concentrate in there. I just think it's fascinating. Chemistry and Biology are so, well, thrilling, and Potions puts them both together." She stopped, surprised by her own enthusiasm.

The teenaged boy sat up straight, a grin spreading across his face. "Really? Because Potions is my favorite subject as well. I hope to apprentice after Hogwart's."

They sat grinning shyly at each other.

Snape watched the two as they chatted amiably, then said, "That's when it started for me--I was smitten with her. She was smart, and beautiful as well. And very kind to me from then on. The rest of the year she'd always notice me in the library. It was heady stuff for a boy who'd never taken any notice of girls before. She did it in spite of the ribbing she took from the rest of her house." He swallowed noticeably. "I was touched beyond belief." Turning to Dumbledore, he nodded slightly, and they swirled through the void once more.

Now they stood in the Hogwart's library. The room was cold, and groups of students were huddled in groups at the tables. Snape led Dumbledore through the stacks to a table set at the end of a long, high bookcase.

Seated at a small study desk were Severus and Lily. Heads together, they whispered conspiratorially. Severus was softly stroking the girl's hand, while under the table she moved her ankle up and down his outstretched leg.

Dumbledore raised his eyebrows.

Snape explained. "Fifth year, just after Christmas. We met here at least two nights a week. It was too cold to go outside by then."

"Why would you go outside?"

Snape sneered. "Her best friends were Gryffindors. They gave her enough trouble with us being in the library. When it was warmer, we met out on the grounds."

They watched as Severus leaned back in his chair, stretching his long legs farther. Lily, nudging the shoe off of her foot, continued to slide it sensuously up and down the inside of the boy's leg. "Lily," he moaned. His face was now flushed as he gripped the edges of his chair. The girl continued her merciless exploration, Severus sliding his hips farther under the table.

Dumbledore commented, "I had now idea you were this close. You were both about sixteen at this point?"

Snape was trying to watch the scene dispassionately. "Hmm, yes, sixteen. Just. This was our 'year of discovery' so to speak. We met quite frequently--actually grew quite adept at finding isolated spots in which to," he paused here with some embarrassment, "discover each other. But you understand, Albus, our primary attraction was an intellectual one." He paused again, then continued softly. "And then, it became almost...spiritual. The other..." he waved his hand dismissively, "it was a natural part of being sixteen, albeit a most pleasant one." He stopped here, and said almost as an afterthought, "We were both virgins."

Dumbledore grunted. "Then this year you both..?"

"No," Snape replied softly. "Not this year. Sixth year."

They watched the couple for a few minutes longer. They were both stretched low in their seats, their legs moving against each other's, their eyes closed, their faces flushed.

Snape gave a small laugh. "We called it 'library sex'."

"Indeed," was Dumbledore's only comment. As they turned away from the cameo, the Headmaster noted the heightened color in the cheeks of his normally pale Potions Master.

They sat now in Snapes's sitting room. Dumbledore had conjured tea, but Snape had walked directly to the sideboard and poured himself a brandy

"Surely you're not surprised," he said, his back still to the Headmaster.

"Surprised? No. I was aware at the time that you and Lily were often together. I had no idea of the intensity of the relationship, or of its duration."

"Oh spare me, Albus. I have no reason to believe that your awareness of your student's private lives then was any different from your meddling in their affairs now."

The old man's eyes twinkled. "Oh yes. That perception of my omniscience has always served me well in influencing student, as well as staff behavior. I never consciously monitor it unless I have a particular concern." He sobered as Snape turned and came to sit across from him. "Severus, do you think about Lily often?"

The man shrugged noncommittally as he answered. "No. Shortly after you hired me I acquired the Pensieve. They've been there since that time." He would not look at the Headmaster.

"All of them?" the man probed gently.

A silence ensued, then Snape, picking at a thread on his sleeve, answered in a near whisper.

"No, there are a few, I confess, that I... I couldn't bear to part with. But even then, those I have not permitted myself to dwell on...until recently..." he trailed off.

They sat once more in silence, the Headmaster studying the man who would not look at him. Finished with his tea, Dumbledore leaned forward and touched the man on the knee. "We can leave it for today, if you wish, Severus."

Pulling himself back to the moment, Snape shook his head and said, "No, I'm fine. We've come this far, and I'd like to get a little further on with it before we leave it for the day. The anticipation of doing this was not pleasant, and I prefer not to repeat it anymore than necessary. We won't be able to finish it all today, you understand?"

Dumbledore nodded in understanding, and both men once again stood over the Pensieve as Snape took up his wand and stirred the silvery substance. They leaned in and were once again caught by the spinning, black void

They were in a room that was dimly lit, the lamplight flickering off the stone walls.

"Slytherin. Sixth year. I'd just turned seventeen," Snape said in explanation. "Christmas break. Very few students stayed that year, and I was the only Slytherin." He shifted uncomfortably. "Lily stayed too...for me."

They heard low whispering coming from a bed at the far end of the room, the curtains partially drawn. Reluctantly Snape led the Headmaster over to the opening. Dumbledore heard the sharp intake of the man's breath as the scene came fully into view.

Two very unclothed seventeen year olds writhed together on top of the coverlet, arms and legs entwined. Young Severus lay mostly atop the girl, his hair swinging down, obscuring both of their faces as he deeply kissed her. She moaned beneath him, her arms grasped around his shoulders and back, then slid down to caress his flanks and thighs.

Snape shifted uncomfortably once again as they watched.

Sliding over beside her, the young Severus now faced them as he reached up to smooth the dark, red hair from her face. She turned her face towards him, both their bodies glistening with sweat. She reached across to tuck his hair behind and ear, then traced a line across his forehead and down the bridge of his nose. He caught the finger between his lips and suckled it gently. Moaning once again, she pushed him over to sit astride his hips, then came to rest with her elbows on either side of him, leaning in to catch his mouth between her teeth. The boy gasped with pleasure as she bit his lip and ground her hips into his. When she lifted her head to look into his eyes, he gasped, "Lily, don't move. Don't go..."

The girl cupped his face in her hands, and leaned in. "And why would I go anywhere? We have the whole dormitory to ourselves, and best of all, I have you."

The boy was shaking his head, his eyes full of wonder. "You're the best thing that's ever happened to me, Lily. And it's by far the best Christmas I've ever had." He hesitated, smoothing the skin on her shoulders as he struggled for words. "I love you, Lily. I'm sorry I haven't said it before...you know, when you said it. But I do...it's just that I've never said it to anyone before."

Lily's face glowed as she stretched her legs back to cover his body completely with her own. She buried her face in the crook of his neck and whispered softly, "Thank you. And that's the best Christmas gift you could ever give me. I love you, too."

The two men watched without comment as the two lovers began anew.

"This goes on ad infinitum," Snape said, unable to keep a tremor from his voice. Dumbledore nodded sadly, then placed a hand on Snape's shoulder. Stepping back, they swirled upwards to the surface once again.

The two men sat together again in front of the sitting room fire. Snape wished that Dumbledore would just go, not wishing to be subjected to a commentary on the revelations of the Pensieve.

As if on cue, the Headmaster took it up. "I hadn't realized the seriousness of the relationship, Severus. I knew there was a certain fondness for a time, but this..." he trailed off. "You truly loved her, then?"

Snape nodded mutely.

"And were loved in return?"

"Yes, if you can believe it," Snape replied softly. "Although we did not remain together, that never changed, despite the circumstances that drove us apart."

Dumbledore thought on this for a moment before replying.

"So, she carried that love for you in her heart, even to her death." He peered over his glasses at Snape. "Did you see her after leaving Hogwart's, Severus?" He pressed on. "Or perhaps after her marriage?"

Snape decided to put a stop to this for now. His weariness evident, he chided the Headmaster. "Albus, please. If you don't mind, I've rather had enough for one evening." His voice cracked as he finished. "There is more that you should see, but I doubt I can bear anymore tonight."

This admission from his Potions Master had the Headmaster leaning forward in concern. "Of course, Severus. We'll finish up another time. I know this must be uncomfortable for you. But I must say, after all these years, I'm distressed that you never let on. I might have offered some..."

Snape put up a hand to stop him. "Leave it, Albus," he said firmly.

The Headmaster wisely did just that.