Envelopes

Ginny,

Before I go into anything, let me first say congratulations on graduating. I remember my graduation, and it was the best feeling in the world, so I hope you are feeling the same thing. Now, on the other hand, I have not been having the best of months since your letter.

I know it has been a long time since you sent it; about a year now, I presume. I have wanted to write you back ever since I read it, but for some reason I had no idea what to say. I will be completely honest and admit that I have thought of nothing else than letting you know what happened... what really happened.

Unlike you, I wasn't told that love was complicated. I wasn't even told anything about love, nothing whatsoever. The men of my family have always been rather impassive; I come from a long line of arranged marriages, meaning that the word love does not exist in said family members' vocabulary. Being a Malfoy, my father always taught me that there was no such thing as being in love; that silly writers and romantics get carried away with a simple and solitary fact: Females are only objects of pleasure, meant to satisfy and nothing else. "Besides," he had told me, "there are more important things to focus on, like your future." And by that, he meant becoming a Death Eater like him, becoming a school governor like him, being him. That's what I was taught my entire life, and no one told me any different.

I am not saying that I agree with my father. Dear God, no. I never actually did. My father informed me of all of this when I was too young to even have an opinion on the subject. But the fact that it was still engraved in my mind is significant, and I will tell you why.

When I entered Hogwarts, I had only two things on my mind: fulfilling my father's expectations and making Harry Potter's life hell. I was only eleven, after all. The little first year girls running around I had paid no attention to, and I saw that it would stay that way as long as I was there. But something extraordinary happened in my sixth year... something totally unexplainable, unexpected, and unwanted. I fell in love for the first time.

Something I have left out is that throughout my school years, I slowly changed. I did start noticing the girls running around the school. One in particular caught my eye more than the others, but I knew it would never happen. It was only a faint daydream in the back of my mind, a small fantasy that, when I would wake up, I would laugh at. I had no idea that anything in my life would change.

Every day I got up and did the same thing; brush my teeth, put on my school robes, and walk to breakfast with Crabbe and Goyle. One morning, though, I decided to do something different. I got up much earlier than usual and headed down to the Great Hall to eat alone. I sat down and the plate filled up in front of me, but I didn't actually go there to eat. What I was anticipating was seeing the next person who would come to breakfast. I watched the door for a little while. After a few minutes, the last person I expected walked through those doors, and I stared at her. I couldn't believe it. Just my luck, the girl I had been dreaming about an hour earlier had walked in, sat across from me, and looked right into my eyes.

It would be an understatement to say that the girl hated me. Merlin, did she loathe me. It was strange, though, because when our eyes met she didn't glare or scowl, or anything of the sort. She just... stared at me. It was like she was afraid of me! I didn't take my eyes off of her, however. The egotistical part of me felt like smirking at her and strutting out of the Great Hall, but for some reason I couldn't do it. So we sat there for an eternity, and it suddenly came to me: I want this girl. I wanted her. I wanted all of her. And, if you haven't already figured it out, when Draco Malfoy wants something, he gets it.

I decided to keep going back to the Great Hall early in the mornings because of her. And everyday she would look at me the same; terrified, confused, angry. Oh, she loathed me all right. As weeks passed I could tell that she was becoming rather squirmy when it came to breakfast. What I inwardly chuckled at, though, was the fact that she could have very well just not gone to breakfast that early if she didn't want to see me. I realized that she must have been thinking something... what else would make her stay?

A few months later, we ran into each other. Literally. I was walking down the hall and suddenly I saw herself coming in my direction, going at a very quick pace. I didn't even realize that she was going to knock herself right into me until it was too late. My books went flying everywhere, and, sighing, I watched her start picking up my things, her cheeks rose red with embarrassment. I looked away, and when I looked back, I saw her put in an extra book that wasn't mine. I confusedly wondered what it was, but didn't say anything, and walked away.

When I got back to my dormitory, I opened up my bag and went through everything. Then I saw it. It was a very new-looking, hard-covered notebook. I thought to myself, what is this girl playing at? Why did she put a random journal in my bag? Was it a mistake? Was it hers? I flipped through it and saw that it was completely blank. This could be useful, I thought. For years I had had so many pent up thoughts and emotions going through my mind, and I thought that if I wrote them down, then perhaps it would have been a good way to escape. I picked up my quill, opened my inkbottle, and wrote on the first page, "My father is a bloody git." It felt so good! And I felt so rebellious! I had never said anything bad about my father, or my life, for that matter. All of my life I made it seem as though I loved everything about me and my life. Before I knew it, I had written three pages. Five. Six. Ten! This isn't so hard, writing, I thought.

I wrote in it everyday. During mealtimes, during breaks, before I went to bed. It was like there was some writer's soul inside my body that had just been discovered.

And then, one particular morning, I was sitting in the Great Hall, during breakfast, writing, when suddenly a word showed up on the page that I had not written. "Draco", it had said. It was written to the side, and then, a few seconds later, it vanished! I was bewildered. Where in the hell had it come from? Like an idiot I looked through the entire journal, thinking wildly that maybe it was just bleeding ink on a different page.

And that was when it all started. That is why, when I looked up at you, you thought I had known. And that's because I had. You thought I didn't see you put the journal in my bag, but I did. And right at that moment, everything came into place. At first I felt angry, but then I felt nervous. You had heard all of my most inner thoughts. What would you think of me? Did you think I was pathetic, or did you like my writing? Well, I never had to ask, because that's when you began talking back.

Then we started seeing each other. For so long I had dreamed about you, and now those dreams were becoming a reality. I had nothing on my mind but you. Every day, you were all I ever thought about. What we would do that night, what you would be wearing, what you tasted like. I had no idea that I was becoming obsessed. I had no idea that I was doing the one thing I had vowed never to do. My intended future was long gone... I didn't even remember what my father had told me all those years ago. But I didn't care, because I had you, and you were all that I needed.

At the beginning of the New Year, my father sent me a letter. When I saw the envelope my heart suddenly plummeted into my stomach. I hadn't heard from my father in months. I finally read the letter that night, seeing as how I had avoided it that day. Here is what it said:

Draco,

My boy, what has happened to you? Severus has sent me many letters of concern in which he talks about you and some girl seeing each other. I hope you are not serious with the girl. Draco, don't you remember what I always tell you about women? Do what you please with them and send them home! You are in no way to be distracted right now, do you understand? I don't think you know how serious this is. Unless you want to be some damn househusband, I suggest you get back to your studies, and nothing else. If Severus sends me another letter I am personally coming down there to have a talk with you. Mother gives her regards.

After I read it, I finally realized what was happening. My life had totally slipped out of my hands, all because of you. I am not saying this is in any way your fault; it is more of mine. I could've easily thrown the notebook away after I had found out why you actually put it in my bag. But I didn't. And I felt like shit.

I didn't know how I should tell you. I knew actually confronting you would tear me apart even more that it already was, so I decided to pretend like nothing happened. I stopped going to the lake, I put the notebook under my bed, and tried to forget about everything. After about a week of avoiding you I decided that I should at least say something. But rather than seeing you, or even explaining what was going through my head, I wrote those four words with shaking hands. Then I burned the notebook and went to bed. Or, at least, I tried, but failed.

The reason I didn't tell you about the letter was because I knew exactly what you would say. You would try and coax me, tell me I could choose what I really wanted to do, convince me to fuck up everything my father had ever expected of me. But I couldn't do that. I wasn't ready for it. I have never been a hero, and I couldn't save myself from the situation. The truth is... I was afraid. I was afraid that I would not only fuck up everything my father wanted, but everything that I wanted. I was afraid I would lose you. And so I ran away from you.

For a year I wasted away. I didn't care about anything. I realized that what my father wanted didn't matter anymore. I realized I had lost you, and I would never get you back. I didn't care about my friends, I didn't care about N.E.W.T.s... all I cared about was kissing you again, holding you in my arms like I had done so many times. But I knew it wasn't going to happen, that you had moved on for good. I saw you hanging around Potter every bloody minute of the day the very next year, so I immediately assumed that you were going out with him, and all of my emotions shut down. I lied to you at the beginning of this letter. My graduation was the worst thing that ever happened to me. I knew I would be leaving you... forever.

The morning everyone would be leaving Hogwarts, I got a letter. It was placed on my folded clothes, and, without seeing it, it fell on the floor and stayed there. It was an hour later, as I was walking into an empty compartment, when Blaise Zabini came dashing up to me with a letter in his hands, saying that I had accidentally left it in my dormitory. I thanked him and he walked away.

I finished reading your letter right after the train had started moving. At first I thought insanely that I should check every compartment, and then when I found you, to tell you everything, explain everything that had happened, but that wasn't an option. You were with Potter now. I looked back at the letter. And I think you are wrong. Love does mean tears. It does, because for the first time in my life, I began to cry. I sat alone for the last time on the Hogwarts Express, and I cried my fucking heart out.

So here I am, writing you this letter that you deserved to receive long ago. And if love to you is words, then I hope that by reading this, you'll realize that I did love you. And I think I still do.

Love,

Draco Malfoy