Stealing Sheep

STEALING SHEEP

CHAPTER 14: Impossible

There are many traumatising and, indeed, horrifying things in this world...Snape...taxes...Voldemort...Snape...but really, truly, the worst thing you could ever see is your own father trying to get lucky with your mother.

I am a person who has endured the very worst in life and yet still this takes the biscuit. How did it come to this? Last month my major objective was to somehow come up with a spectacular and unexpected way of defeating the Dark Lord and casting his evil from the land forever...And now I have been reduced to spying on my teenage parents, hoping fervently that they copulate and conceive- well- me.

What more can I do? I sent them dreams, although I have no idea what dreams I did send them- Hermione and Ginny were in charge of that. Oddly enough, they had found that entertaining. I have no idea what they've been giggling about but they promised me it would work.

I crouch down into my hiding place. I can see them there. Joking and laughing. Enjoying themselves. I want to preserve that image in my memory- the image of a time before the terror and pain, the horror and suffering... when they were just kids, kids who just happened to fall in love and, as most couples do, just happened to have a baby.

Little did they know that it would be the death of them.

As I sat there in the undergrowth, watching the perfect scene before me play out, a wave of longing swept over me for the parents I never had. When I began this, my directive was simple enough: survive. I was vanishing into nothingness. I was ceasing to exist. I had to discover who was meddling with history and put it right again. I had to exist; I had to defeat Voldemort. But now...

I can save them. I'm the one who is forcing them together...If I left them to their own choices they wouldn't be together- yes, I wouldn't exist but...they would.

I see them now; happy, innocent kids and I don't want them to die.

Why should they? They did nothing wrong except love each other and their baby.

They would've made wonderful parents. I can tell. My heart aches for them, for the time we never spent together, for the unfairness of it all. I want the childhood I was never allowed, the innocence I never had, the parents I should have had...None of it was fair.

But I know my duty. I cannot be selfish. I cannot save them. It's impossible. Their deaths saved the world. And die they must.

So I did what I had to. I charmed the trees to form a canopy, a private little alcove, I made the birds sing a lullaby, the lights dim romantically, the glow-worms glow...and I crept back into the darkness, a tear silently staining my cheek.

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Lily sighed as the carpet guided itself across the hills and valleys, gradually taking them further away from Hogwarts. Normally, she would be worried about leaving the relative safety of the school, especially in these dark times but tonight for some reason she felt different. The unexpected relationship with Potter...the oddly beautiful night...the strange atmosphere... It all contributed to the warm, secure feeling she had as they floated away amongst the clouds.

James gazed longingly at her profile in the moonlight as she watched the scenery, a small smile adorning her face. He couldn't stand it. Him...her...alone. It drove him mad that he couldn't do a thing except smile at her platonically and keep his distance. He knew their new-found friendship would be dead. He would be dead, because she would kill him. He had no idea what to do now. All he had worried about was getting her on the carpet in the first place; he'd never considered what would happen after that.

"James?"

Actually, he thought to himself, he almost preferred it when she hated him, as at least he knew where he stood.

"James?"

Then again, he didn't think he could stand going through those first six again where she had never spoken a single word to him-

"POTTER!!"

James jerked away from his melancholy thoughts and focused on the yelling vision of loveliness before him. "Yes?"

"How do you stop this thing?" She frowned and he

wondered what he'd done to annoy her this time.

"Why?"

She raised her eyebrows. "Don't tell me you haven't noticed the rain."

Actually, he hadn't noticed it. Or the fact that his glasses had started to steam up, or the fact that his hair was plastered to his head, or the fact that the magic carpet was now extremely soggy and squelching at every movement.

"Er- right. Carpet, STOP!" he ordered and the vehicle froze mid-air, almost dislodging its passengers. "Where now?"

Lily glanced around her for shelter, pushing back her drenched hair out of her face and shivering as a raindrop slid down her neck. "Over there? G-gazebo?"

Minutes later they were sitting side by side, huddling together under the magic carpet that was now being used as a blanket.

"You know," James bit out through the shivers that were wracking his body. "We are wizards. Why are we sat here freezing our arses off? A simple heating charm and ba-boom! I'll be able to feel my toes again!"

"We're out of Hogwarts' grounds," she snapped. "It's illegal. Anyway," she said, nudging closer to him. "It's cosier this way."

James withheld his protests. Snuggling with Evans was definitely something that had been on his to do list for a while now and he was not going to pass the opportunity up.

To his surprise she pushed her body flush against his, not an inch separating them and he decided he must be hallucinating because it definitely was not normal Lily Evans behaviour, when she leaned her head on his shoulder. Not that he was complaining. Just as he was getting used to it, she jerked her eyes up to meet his and said with a frown, "This doesn't mean anything, ok? I'm not coming on to you- I just need warmth. Just try not to ruin anything by being- you."

What a way to kill a mood. Ah, well, he didn't mind that much. After all, he was still squashed next to Lily after a wonderful night of not fighting. It was more than he could've asked for. In fact, now it seemed positively bizarre to him that only a few weeks ago he'd been desperate to erase her from his thoughts.

He watched her out of the corner of his eyes and tried to control his amazement as he saw her sigh and smile mysteriously to herself.

I want that smile to be for me,

he thought and turned his full gaze on her as he examined his surprising feelings. He had just felt a surge of...something...unexpected...and he knew it was all for her. He felt it wash over him, stronger than anything he'd ever felt before. Of course, he'd felt like this in the dreams but no matter how lucid they were it was still only a dream and there was nothing like the real thing. The- lust- love- whatever it was flowed through him as he swallowed in her beauty in the moonlight. Aphrodite, he thought. She is Aphrodite...no...she's Artemis...Goddess of the Moon and Hunt...

"What are you staring at?"

Her voice cut through his embarrassing thoughts and turned his cheeks crimson before he stuttered a response.

"Er- erm- nothing really. Just- just thinking about- erm- erm-" He cast around for a logical answer that allowed him to withhold the fact that he was fantasising about her before something sparkly caught his eye. "Your necklace!"

She looked dubious, but he ploughed on anyway.

"It's- erm- very pretty. Where'd you get it?"

She blushed delicately and examined the pendent that she now held in her hand, avoiding his gaze. "I made it."

"What? Wow. I mean- wow."

She smiled faintly and said, "It's not that impressive. It's really easy to do it once you know how."

He stared more intently at the piece of jewellery now he knew where it came from. It was very beautiful but that was not what made him stare. It was like a marble, perfectly spherical but covered with what looked like minute jewels and tiny mirrors. It was definitely special.

"It's- it's unique," he said.

Lily frowned. "That's what people say when they don't want to say something's ugly."

"No!" James cried, horrified at the implication and the possibility that he may have just messed up their easygoing banter again. "I really mean it. It's- it's just- I'm not good with words." He frowned thoughtfully. "I like it. I love it. It's extremely beautiful...It reminds me- it reminds me-" He paused and looked at her from under his lashes. "It reminds me of you. Unique. Fragile but...multi-angled. Mysterious...I love it," he finished and met her softened gaze.

Her eyebrows were raised, her eyes widened in surprise and

she opened her mouth as if to speak then closed it a few times. He felt gratified that he left her speechless. Finally, she smiled and said, "That isn't all." She took off the necklace and placed it in the middle of her palm. She glanced at him, a mischievous twinkle in her eyes. "Give me a name."

"Why?"

"Just do it."

"Someone we know?"

She nodded, a small smile on her face.

"Ok...er- Sirius."

"Watch," she said and lifted her palm. "Show me Sirius Black." The ball flashed once and began to spin, hovering about an inch above Lily's hand.

James watched, entranced as the flashing globe expanded to the size of a Quaffle and glowed brightly. They both peered into the still spinning orb to see the outline of a body slowly materialise until Sirius Black was clearly recognisable as he was sprawled across his bed fully clothed in his Batman rubber yet obviously asleep, with a trail of drool running down his chin.

James was the most fascinated he had ever been while watching Sirius sleep and only snapped out of his daze when Lily reached up and wrapped her hand around the ball of light which quickly diminished at her touch, pulling it back down to rest in her palm once more.

"But- wha- how?" James stuttered. He was gobsmacked.

Lily just smiled innocently. "Anything wrong?"

He stared at her, still flabbergasted. He held up a finger, self- righteously. "Firstly, that is mega advanced magic and I didn't even think you were smart enough to pull that off!"

She smiled smugly and he glared at her. "Secondly, it's illegal to make a magical object like that while still underage!" That wiped the grin off her face. "Thirdly, finally, and most importantly- what about people's privacy?! How do I know you haven't watched me shower every day for six years like a peeping Tom?!" he finished hysterically.

Truthfully, he just wished he had one so he could watch her in the...

"Yes, I admit it. I confess." She was solemn until she added with a grin, "Bit of a disappointment thought. I mean- there wasn't much to see was there?"

"Hey!" Outrage!

She giggled. "Sorry, sorry. I promise I've never used it for that. In fact, I haven't even thought about it in months. After the initial thrill of being able to watch people, it gets a bit creepy." She shuddered and he raised an eyebrow. "After it showed me Philyra Pilkington getting his kicks watching Sirius and Maeve Flynn snogging I kinda thought it best to leave it alone."

"Old Phil? Is it Maeve or Sirius he's into?" James grinned as he imagined Sirius finding out he had an admirer and he burst out laughing. "Wait 'til I tell Sirius!"

"You can't tell anyone that I have the globe! It's kind of a secret," she said, her eyes quietly beseeching him to keep it to himself.

"Of course I won't tell," he assured her, secretly pleased that she had trusted him this much. He was actually extremely impressed at how gifted, let alone devious, she must have been to have made such a rare and wonderful object. "In fact, I wish I'd thought of it first."

"Well." She smiled at him and he felt his stomach flip flop strangely. "Consider it a gift." She deposited the orb in his hand.

He stared at it then back up at her. "Is this a bribe for keeping quiet?" he said slowly.

Lily laughed and he found his heart fluttered at the sound. What was it that had started to affect him so much? Her smile? Her voice? He couldn't pinpoint it, he just knew that it would haunt him for as long as he drew breath. And that was bad, way too dangerous. He had to do something about it, soon, one way or another.

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Lily watched as James silently, apparently lost in thought, stared over the moonlit lake spread out before them. He had surprised her tonight. He hadn't played the Idiot Boy Wonder he usually dissolved into, but then again she hadn't been her normal frosty self either. She actually was quite proud of herself for being civil and smiling at him and resisting smacking him upside the head when he said something stupid. In fact, she'd- dare she admit it?- enjoyed their conversation, to her immense surprise. If only he could keep it up.

"I'm sorry, you know."

She started at the sound of his voice. His head was still turned away from her, studying the ripples in the water as the sky still mournfully dripped, but she had the feeling that this time he wasn't pondering the universe, rather avoiding her gaze.

"Sorry about what?" she asked softly.

He rubbed the back of his neck and she was surprised to see that he was blushing. "I'm sorry that I kissed you."

Lily's eyes widened and she frowned. "Kissed me?"

"Don't tell me you've forgotten," he said flatly, now looking at her in astonishment.

Lily was tempted to claim amnesia just because he sounded so surprised that it wasn't at the forefront of her brain all the time. Did he think he was that good a kisser that she would never forget? That she was obsessed with the memory? That since he'd kissed her she'd fallen hopelessly in love with him and yearned for nothing else? Since she'd decided to be nicer to him she thought it would be best to resist telling him off for being presumptuous and reluctantly made herself tell him the truth. "Actually...it's just that- well- in my dreams we- kiss- all the time so..."

She forced herself to finish the embarrassing statement. "...It all rolls into one and I can't tell what's real and what's not."

He stared at her, a slight smile on his face. "I know exactly what you mean. But I actually meant the time when I pulled you into the broom cupboard..."

"Oh." Yes, she remembered that time all right. That had confused the Hell out of her. "Why are you sorry?" she bit out, feeling slightly insulted. Had he not liked kissing her?

His eyes widened in horror and he cried, "Oh no! It wasn't because I didn't enjoy kissing you because I did. You're very kissable. It was lovely in fact and sometimes I think-" he cut himself off and flushed as if he'd let something slip he shouldn't have. He bit his lip and frowned, finally saying softly, "I guess I kissed you because I just wanted to know-"

"How I compare to myself?" she cut in.

There was an awkward silence as they both avoided each other's eyes stubbornly, matching blushes staining their cheeks.

It was James who recovered from the embarrassment first.

"We were hot, though, weren't we?"

Lily's head snapped up and she elbowed him sharply in the ribs but her glare couldn't help transforming into a smile at his contagious grin. "I suppose, if you want to put it like that," she said, attempting to sound dignified and above their petty embarrassments.

James snorted. "Trying to be lady like now? And this coming from the girl who jumped my bones in the Minister of Magic's bloody office!"

She gasped at the fact that he would actually specifically talk about what had happened in their dreams, breaking their unspoken agreement, yet still somehow she couldn't help but laugh out loud with him. "That's not fair! You started it that time!"

He frowned playfully and she was surprised at how quickly he had got over blushing all the time. "Yeah, that time. What about when we were at your house and you seduced me? I had no part in it then- that was all you and your lack of underwear."

Lily felt herself redden at the memory, but grinned anyway, unable to believe that they were actually joking about it. "Yeah, it was." She paused then sent him a sidelong glance as she said, "What can I say? You can't resist me!"

To her surprise, he went silent and the grin suddenly disappeared, making her feel as though she'd been doused in cold water. Has she said something wrong? "James?"

His eyes caught hers and she was shocked at the intensity in his gaze. Suddenly, she realised how little space was separating them, her body squashed against his beneath the makeshift blanket, his face only inches from her own.

She'd never been as aware of someone in her entire life and as she stared straight back into his dark chocolate eyes, unable, unwilling to break the spell, she realised that this night something had changed between them.

"What's going to happen to us?" he said, finally, his voice sounding croaky, as though he'd just woken up from a deep sleep.

"Oh, I expect we'll be alright when we've dried out a bit. I am concerned that I'll get a bit of a sniffle, but really I'm sure Madam Pomfrey will be able to deal with it, even if she does ask too many questions about why the Head Girl has arrived sopping wet through in the middle of the night." She wasn't surprised at the amount of babbling she did and how stupid she sounded. She knew that was not what he'd meant, he'd meant us as in us. He was asking about their future as an 'us' and she had been pretty sure that that future didn't exist.

"That's not what I meant, Lily, and you know it."

"I don't know." She was annoyed at herself for sounding so high-pitched and pathetic just because he was staring at her so she tried again. "I don't know what's going to happen to us. I don't even know if there is an us!"

He turned away from her again and she could see him gulp. Lily wondered what he was thinking. She'd never seen him so serious, let alone...Well, she was pretty sure he was upset now. What could she do? Lie to him just to cheer him up? Declare her everlasting love when really she had no idea what she felt?

"It's okay, Lily," he said slowly, softly. She'd never actually realised how lovely her name sounded when he said it. Even now, when he was upset with her, he let the word roll off his tongue like it was a delicious, exotic food. She unconsciously closed her eyes, letting his dark, soft voice wash over her. She felt a tingling warmth inside, as if she'd just stepped in from the cold into a roaring fire. "I understand. You know, even in my dreams I knew it could never be real. Why would someone like you go for someone like me? It's unthinkable. Impossible."

Her eyes flew open. Impossible? It was a word she knew well, having used it many times describing their relationship, describing their future. She now realised, with the new, strange and yet somehow familiar feelings rolling around inside her, that she'd been wrong.

She was still confused. She was still unsure.

But as she felt the trees sway in the midnight zephyr to form a private canopy just for lovers, as her head was filled with the sweet love song of a lonesome Mockingbird, as she felt the light dim to an unearthly glow, she knew what to do.

She knelt in front of him, braced her courage and gently took his face in her hands, forcing him to meet her steady gaze. "It's not impossible," Lily whispered. She watched his unsure eyes widen for a moment, her heart aching, and made her decision, plunging in head first, knowing that there would be no way back for her now.

She softly put her lips to his, uncertain of the response she'd get. When he didn't react, her resolve cracked and she pulled away, mortified.

His face was unreadable, as they stared at each other and Lily desperately wanted to know what he thought of her now. Had she just blown any chance she had? Had she just made a complete fool out of-

Before she knew what was happening, James was kissing her ferociously and she was kissing him back. She had no time to argue, didn't want to argue or question or wonder ever again. He pulled her closer, onto his lap, and she felt his hands move over her back with the same speed and skill as his lips. Her only thought was how right that moment was. They sat, entwined, beneath a canopy of stars and a whistling wind, so wrapped up in each other that the beauty of the night around them was lost in the beauty of each other and the fact that nothing was impossible.

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