Stealing Sheep

STEALING SHEEP

CHAPTER 2: Quiet In The Library

'According to Newt Scamander Merpeople, also known as Selkies, Sirens or Merrows, exist all over the world (usually somewhere wet) and despite what popular stereotypes suggest they are really, really, really, really, really ugly. Trust me, I know.'

James Potter put the finishing touches on the essay due in later that day for Professor Jarvey about the Merpeople at the bottom of the lake, and audibly sighed flashing a triumphant grin. With a flourish he printed 'THE END' and announced arms outstretched in a 'you have permission to worship me' pose, "All done!"

His best friend scowled at him and continued to scribble away at the crumpled paper, while James lazily sat back in his comfy armchair by the fire and massaged his throbbing hand. He had just written an essay at least 6 feet long in under half an hour, a desperate bid to complete it in time even if it did mean resorting to exploding his handwriting so three words fitted onto one line. Last time he hadn't bothered completing it and ended up scrubbing out the dungeons in a weeks worth of detentions, so he had been determined to finish it with time to spare. He did but that precious pressure-free minute so not worth the numbness now running down his arm.

James leaned over Sirius' shoulder to read what he'd just written and advised him, wisely " Don't forget about them being really, really, really ugly..." His words fizzled out as a group of fourth year girls entered the Library in a fit of maniacal giggles, causing Madam Pince to do her best Medusa impression.

On a pretence of looking for another Merpeople book James wandered around the rows upon rows of books in a haze of boredom, just watching people, occasionally muttering a 'hello' or 'git', depending upon whether they were Snape or not. When he reached the furthest corner of the Library he heard hushed voices arguing rapidly and was intrigued. He wondered who it could be that was actually taking the Librarian seriously and trying to be quiet. He ducked behind a shelf and listened to the three girls.

"You are not getting a dog collar and that is the end of it!" snapped a strangely familiar feminine voice as if the conversation was over.

"But I want one and it's not up to y-"

"Yesss, but we would be seen in public with you. Oh, sorry, I mean with a dominatrix," interrupted another wry voice.

"My mum said she didn't mind."

"Yes, that's because she is miles and miles away while we are here- she doesn't have to look at it all of the time."

"Anyway," the first voice spoke up once more, "If you wear that thing, I swear I'll disown you!"

"But I like it..."

The argument continued and James slowly pushed aside a thick tome and peered through to the desks on the other side. 'Ah!' He thought, as he noticed a flash of red. 'It's Evans and her little gang of weirdos. Well, it's their lucky day...'

He rounded the aisle to see Lily Evans gesticulating wildly, trying to illustrate her point, while one of her friends sat, arms crossed, frowning defiantly .The other member of their group was perched on the edge of her seat, as though she didn't like to sit still, with a slightly amused wisp of a smile adorning her pale face.

"Howdy, cowgirls!" James presented himself in front of them with a mock Texan drawl and the tip of an imaginary Stetson.

They stared.

It was Rosa who spoke first. "Yes...Thanks. Er...Why are you talking like that?"

James just grinned, unperturbed. "Why, lil' lady I just wanted to wish y'all a mighty fine mornin'!"

Leila looked up quickly, a spark of inspiration in her eyes. "James? Do you like my dog collar?" She now wore a feline grin, as if challenging him to oppose the horrendous piece of tat that she held out to him.

The others could scarcely believe how quickly he retreated and cheered in triumph. Yes, they decided, they must use their secret weapon (Leila) more often to scare off boys.

'Well,' thought James, as he hurriedly drew away from the alcove and the three fearsome girls with a maniacal glint in their eyes, 'They were sooo into me. The ol' Texan twang works every time...' In fact, no girl had ever fallen for that seduction technique but James, in denial about his trusty sure-fire method being not so sure-fire, refused to adjust his repertoire.

As he wandered off to pester more girls their conversation continued.

"Did you hear how many times Professor McGinty managed to shove an analogy into the lesson?" Rosa's back went ramrod straight and she stuck her nose up in the air in a perfect impression of their Potions teacher. "'This foot of toad is rather like a large cascading river being swept away in an avalanche of snot' and I swear I counted to at least seven references to muggle films."

During this rant on their muggle- loving potions master Lily was somewhere else. When James Potter had suddenly appeared as if from nowhere and 'Oh, I do declare'-ed it she had been frozen with fright. What if she felt anything towards him? Would she have an overwhelming urge to slap him then snog him silly? Would she forget herself, stand on her chair and proclaim her love for his sexy body to the entire Library with just one look at him?

Lily inwardly grinned. Even if she was in love with him that would never happen. Anyway, if all her nightmares came true then her name would be Cedric the Rat, she'd wear a soup bowl as a hat and be desperately in love with Mrs Norris, Filch's cat, as the other dream she had had that night had led her to believe.

In fact, as she had watched her friends rebuff him she realised that except for the worrying dreams she didn't care one iota for James Potter, she didn't even hate him. She didn't blame him for all the pranks he played- he was a boy, that was what they were for. It wasn't his fault that he wasn't born into the greater sex.

"Lily, are you alright? Or are you finally cracking up?"

"Huh?"

Leila smirked. "Well, you've just sat through a whole bitch session on Potions homework without saying one bitter comment. Are you ill?"

Lily smiled. "Oh no, I was just thinking about James Potter."

Her friends frowned in unison. "You must be ill. Oh God, you haven't joined the 'I Love JP' fanclub yet have you?" Rosa's icy blue eyes lit up with mischief. "Or are you thinking of setting up a 'JP is an Idiot' club? Ooh, I like the sound of that!"

"Me too- I'm in!"

"Actually, I was feeling sorry for him." At their blank looks she elaborated, "Well, he can't help being a pathetic, insensitive, arrogant moron- he is male so it's his fate..." Lily looked sadly at her friends.

"Hmmmm...I'm not sure if I completely agree with that. I mean, what about the great wizards? Shakespeare, Merlin, Disney, Spielberg..." Rosa reeled off a list of male magical geniuses, counting them off on her fingers.

"Yeah, but do you really see a Shakespeare here? Please, if you do, let me know now so I can bow down to your wisdom!" Lily gestured at the group of students milling around the bookshelves and all three slowly appraised each male. Any onlooker would have concluded that they were, of course, checking out all the fanciable boys, as normal girls do. But these weren't 'normal' girls- they were too smart for that.

First of all, there was Diggory, Amos Diggory, as he liked to introduce himself, or Shovel as they liked to use as a special nickname. This was down to three things: his name (Diggory- dig- shovel- geddit?); his appetite ( he ate so much so fast they joked he'd need a shovel to get it all in); and the fact that they just didn't like him- he was conceited, disrespectful and so incredibly thick that comparing him to an inanimate object didn't seem cruel in the least but rather unfair on shovels everywhere.

The there was Malfoy, what a prick! He insisted on waltzing around Hogwarts as though he had a broomstick shoved up his bum and shouting at random Gryffindors for breathing too loudly, giving him the opportunity to take 150 points from his rival house. Now, he sat glaring disdainfully at the Charms textbook in front of him as though disgusted that someone of such obvious Greatness, like himself, should even have to touch such a book let alone study for a lower class subject like Charms. He would never be considered to be potentially an all-time Great by anyone except himself. He was definitely not Great in any way and the glares that Malfoy was receiving from most of the Library suggested that he wouldn't survive the night let alone all time.

The last four boys left were spread throughout the Library but were obviously connected in a powerful way. Not many people noticed it, but the three girls watching them saw the secret looks that were frequently passed from one to the other and back again. The girls sometimes discussed the possibilities of why they acted like this when they were rarely seen together in public, but the most realistic suggestions were based around the idea that every Saturday night they met and had a group orgy in the Prefects bathroom. You don't even want to know what else was brought up...

The first of this group was Peter Pettigrew. He was a squat, squinty sort of boy with an unusual penchant for cheese and a hopeless talent for knocking over or exploding every potion he ever came into contact with. If there was a competition for hopeless cases then he would be a perfect candidate but since the contest at hand was for a Great Male he was ruled out straight away.

Next of the conspirators was Remus Lupin. He was nice enough, maybe a little bit quiet, which didn't help his popularity but as they watched him his face lit up with anticipation like they had never seen before when Potter mouthed something to him that looked suspiciously like 'Snape's wings'. Remus was actually a good candidate as he had a good head on his shoulders, was by no means unattractive and had the gift of both imagination and common sense, which is rare. However, the girls decided that he just didn't have the charisma and people skills needed to be an All Time Great.

Oh God, then came the one and only Sirius Black. There was no one who was himself as convinced that he would one day become a Great Male Role ModelTM as Sirius was. Of course, nobody else believed him. He set a thoroughly bad example and was damn proud of it, but still he was leagues ahead of most people in the brains department so it was suc[PP1]h a shame that he happened to also be cursed with the 'gift' (as he liked to call it) of being able to turn into a demented git at will.

The only boy still unappraised in the Library was James Potter. The same James Potter who had previously pretended to be a Lone Ranger, and was now an astronaut on a deeply important mission, landing on the Moon in slow motion, making his audience of fifth year girls giggle over- enthusiastically.

Potter had everything going for him. He was not completely gruesome-looking (they conceded grudgingly), he had relatively genius-level smarts, a loyal and hyperactive best friend and, according to some anyway, a great sense of humour, not forgetting that he was one of the bravest people in the school. How could anyone think otherwise when, in true Gryffindor style, he had remained steadfast in his belief that McGonagall had played the Wicked Witch of the West in the muggle film 'The Wizard of Oz'? He had continued to declare it loudly in Transfiguration class, even after the Wicked Witch had threatened to let Filch loose on him. Actually, it was only Potter and Black who had found it simultaneously absolutely hilarious and unbelievably courageous, while most considered it downright stupid. And that was what let him down in the contest for Best Male- how could they pick someone who had the emotional maturity of a three-year- old and the common sense of a horseradish?

Well, it looked as though Rosa had actually lost an argument for the first time in history- it turned out that all males were either too thick, too snobby, too unambitious, too anti- social, too clumsy, too much of a git or too convinced that they were both invincible and very, very funny when they were not.

The beginnings of a triumphant smile were forming on Lily's face- she had finally out smarted the smartest girl on Earth! - when one so far unappraised boy flounced into the Library.

He blew a kiss in Madam Pince's direction before she could utter a word of reprimand and his purple robes swirled about his feet, perfectly complimenting the blonde ringlets being tossed over his shoulders, strangely reminiscent of a cheesy shampoo ad. They were surprised when he didn't pout and whisper seductively, 'Because I'm worth it!'

He started signing pictures of himself and giving them out with a graceful flourish, to random bemused girls ( and one very pretty boy). Smiles that soon lit up their eyes and deepened into mischievous grins materialised on Lily, Rosa and Leila's gleeful faces. They had found their ma.

"Gilderoy!"

The preening boy swivelled around at the mention of his name, hoping to sign some autographs, but all he saw were those three strange girls , holding each other up as tears of mirth ran down their cheeks and they let out loud guffaws of maniacal laughter.

'Ah!' thought Gilderoy, flashing the his trademark dazzling smile that twinkled as the light danced off of his pearly whites, which sent them further into fathomless hysteria, 'More girls beside themselves just at the sight of me...'

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A/N: If you want me to email you when I next upload, review and let me know your email address. It shouldn't be too long until the next ones up cos it's already written just have to type it up.