Requiem for the Savior

To those who loved me--

A permanent solution to a temporary problem - that is what the wise and good people state to help. The Dumbledores of the world. The way they make suicide look like a decision based on cowardice is remarkable, when in the end it is a clear statement of one's strength - at least mine. I cannot speak for all those others.

For all those others that take sleeping potions to attract attention.

For those that wait on the slanted roof of a tower until someone notices them.

I can only speak for myself, and my decision is not based on weakness but on absolute power. Hamlet said it, I simply considered the question.

It is not based on weakness but on a free will, the liberty to contemplate the unthinkable. It is a question only the strongest can face. The dark lord could not look death in the face. It is my immortality that I do.

They say it is easy to escape life but hard to go on with it. What fools. How many people can hold a wand to their head and say the fatal words? It is easy to kill, it is hard to die.

How many can cut a knife into their arms to pierce arteries and veins?

How many can make the little step off the tower?

How many can swallow the poison and resist the bezoars?

Small movements, a jerk of a wand, a cut, a step, a swallow.

How many think they can do that but have to face their weakness on the doorsteps of a mysterious, scaring new existence? How many can step beyond the veil?

How many have the mental strength to deal with such a decision?

How many can question their lives?

How many can face the fact that all they have done is useless and that there is no use to live except that to keep on living? I am simply a pawn, and the king is dead. My duty in life is over, Tom is dead. Yet, how can I send him to the grave, and not have the courage to go myself? In my deepest heart, I am as cowardly as he was. And now, I too will evade death, by embracing it. That is the final hallow. I will prove myself, and rise above my mortality. How many can be the final sacrifice, at their own hand?

How many can ask those questions?

How many can draw the consequences?

Those war heroes did not. None of them did agree to it in the end. None of them. Because death is wrong? They got lucky? The hero has to live his thoughts and hence set an example in dying. None of them were strong enough to do that. I do not begrudge them for their fear of death. Many great men fear death. Tom feared death, he tried to evade it. His final flaw was his inability to realize that true immortality comes from sacrifice. War heroes are unworthy idols.

It is easy to live, to go on with it, to float down the river. All you have to do is switch off your brains, not think, do what you are told and expected to and you will get old. There is nothing easier than living. Man is built to endure pain. He can easily bear the whips and scorns of time as long as he doesn't question them, and as long as he is not confident enough to wonder whether it is worth suffering. All it takes is to stick to the routine. There is nothing simpler than that.

Yeah, sure they will find reasons when they dig in my past. They will say:

He could not stand the pressure his destiny had put on him, he had always suffered from depression, from existential angst of his fates, he was suffering from a broken heart when his godfather/parents/friends left him. He could not stand loneliness, unrequited love of all sorts. He felt that his life was over after the war. He was too sensitive.

Those would be their words.

Bloody hell.

And they will be feigning sympathy and compassion, they will look at the past, his great victory and state how great it was, what a loss it is, what a great future lay ahead of him. They will want their savior.

The sympathy of the weak, the fearful, the lost, the broken. The sympathy of the hens in the coup.

This is not the reason.
Yes, I am sad, I am alone, I am depressed. I do not deny that I was dealt a hard hand by the fates. But it is not the reason. I am not doing this out of pain. This is a decision based on positivity. Lust for life. But not that stale and dull life. Real life, genuine emotions. This decision is based on facing down fears, based on immortality.

To shake off this mortal coil,
To step up to the fates and to spit in their faces,
To make the final decision, the only one that cannot be undone. The only decision that was mine alone. I am not the savior any more. I am not what I was born to be.
Knowing that it might be a terrible mistake, a Faustian mistake, a bargain with the devil. But it was my mistake.
A voluntary step into something unknown.
Emptyness?
Heaven?
Hell?

Suicide is not based on weakness, it is based on absolute power - at least in my case. Immortality.

Imagine:

To stand on top of the highest tower.
To feel the wind tearing at my clothes, the elements.
The only truth left in a world of lies and hypocrisy.
The beauty of the abyss.
The anticipation, like anticipating the greatest battle, an existential duel.
Looking down into oblivion and voidness. And seeing true victory.
The ground far, far away as it seems from here, but in reality only a couple of seconds away.
Standing there.
Feeling eternity in a restricted world.
Feeling a decision in a prefabricated existence. Being immortal.

To draw the final breath,
To make that little step,
To know, that for once a decision was made,
To feel one foot above the abyss,
To think for a split second you can float in the air,
To feel losing balance,
To fall,
To gain speed,
To have the air tear at your hair and clothes,
To feel the cold wind violently caress you,
To see the ground coming closer,
To scream in orgiastic excitement,
To know what you have done,
To know that you have done something for once. That you have evaded death, done what no one else could. Won.

Maybe even: To doubt,
To regret,
To wish yourself back to the top of the peak that you are pacing away from.
Mercilessly
To fly into annihilation,
To see the truth, whether it is a beautiful or an unbearable truth for the fraction of a second only.

Those 10 seconds would be - must be - will be much more revealing than 10 years of most other people,
Than the whole life of most other people. More true, essential, focused, divine. Purer. 70 years forced into seconds. Refined into pure knowledge and truth.

For once in my life, the truth. What I couldn't have in life, I take in death.

Those 10 seconds would be - must be - will be worth a lifetime.

A worthy payment for endless agony.

No more endless, unbearable pain.
No more routine.
No more repetition.
No more deaths at my hand.

Ron, would I that I were a better friend to you. You are loyal and finally you will be able to step out of the shadows. Live, and bring me with me.

Hermione, you were there for me until the end. Pick up the pieces that I left behind, rebuild my castle. Remember me.

Ginny, love, darling, sweet girl. Move on. Do not be broken, have strength, when no one else will. Fight the darkness, and it will never touch you. Give me immortality.

Darkness will not touch me here. I am light. I am beyond the veil.

Immortality is my legacy.

For, as a truly wise and good man said, death is only but the next great adventure.

--Harry