Faraway

Faraway

As they slowly take away your coffin, silently, faces staring straight ahead, like you yourself would've done, I remember the time we had together, not mourning for the loss, but embracing it and the emptiness that it leaves.

I sit alone at the front of the room, the others sitting behind me, deeming themselves not close enough as I was to you, and they are right. They never knew you like I did, never saw what I saw, never got touched the way you touched me.

I can feel your presence beside me right before it is time for me to get up and follow your coffin outside. I can feel your warmth, letting myself get lost in it for a moment, closing my eyes and for a short while I forget where I am and believe that everything is like it should be.

I can almost hear you snort as a tender smile plays on my lips and tears slowly slip down my cheeks. With your arms around me I find strength and can pretend this never happened.

I open my eyes again when someone calls my name, and suddenly the cold is back, suffocating me and I need to get out, get out, get out and away from here.

Straightening my back proudly and taking a deep breath, I let myself follow your death march outside.

A grave has been dug on the hill left of the castle, right on the spot where I could see you sitting sometimes and, if you would let me, we would sit together, watching the sun rise.

Another day you would say as soon as the first rays of light touched this side of the earth.

You were killed before sunrise and you never lived to say it one more time, those words that I had started to take for granted.

They lower your coffin into the grave and let me put the first bit of sand in it. When I nod to let them know I have said my goodbyes, they spell the grave so it fills by its self.

I feel useless, standing there, seeing your coffin slowly be buried, and knowing this will be the last time I will see it.

As soon as your grave is closed, daylillies appear all over it, charmed so they will bloom forever, and I smile at the irony of that, that those stupid flowers will live to see another day and you won't. Even your headstone is proof of that, as it says in bold letters: "Another day".

Forever in your mind, they say when you lose a loved one, and forever in your heart. I know you will be in mine, though others will have forgotten about you as soon as morning rises again.

So close, yet so far away would also be appropriate, as I stand here now, all alone, the funeral long since over.

You never got 'round to telling me you loved me, as you hated sentiments. But I miss you, you idiot. I miss you, wishing you would come back, my eyes filling up with tears caused by childish grief.

You taught me to be strong, by not going soft on me whenever I needed comfort. You let me comfort myself, get over whatever it was by myself. But all your lessons are forgotten now that I truly am on my own.

There will be no one to come home to now, no one sneering in my face as I try to contain my tears, no mocking words as I try to grief in silence.

I sit down heavily on the ground as rain starts to fall from the sky.

Were you here, you would tell me to stop acting like a fool and get back inside, but I can't leave you, not yet.

The ground becomes muddy around me, the way it was during the final battle. You keeled over in the mud and now you lie in it again, I notice, smiling sadly and knowing it would've irritated you.

Will we be together again or will I go somewhere else when I die, as I am not a casualty of war? I wonder. If I kill myself right now, will I see you again, hear your voice again and let your strong arms embrace me?

I forgot your face already, I can't remember what your voice sounded like. As I try to recall your face, I see one of the few pictures you allowed me to take of you. You always hated that picture and tried to burn it once. Something stopped you and I've kept it hidden safely ever since.

I feel my eyes openening as something warm shines across my face and I notice it is the rising sun, far away, its rays lightening up the landscape and clearing the sky.

"Another day," I murmur quietly, letting the wind drag my words with it to wherever you might hear them.