Seconds

Seconds

Dear Ginny:

I did it. You're going to cry for him, aren't you? Stupid cunt. As if he didn't deserve it.

I'm sorry. It's ink, you know, I can't take that back.

He did deserve it. Just by living, he's always stepped on us on his way up (with you top of me), and ground our faces in the dirt. I tried to stop it--and you--but why would you listen? By the time he was on the rebound, you were so willing to forget me, and who else would he turn to but the easiest one? Yes, he deserves it. No wonder you always wanted to remind me of how he was better than us: "It's just an inch farther, beyond your means, that makes someone above you." Well, if I wasn't going to be the best, I would be the worst.

I know that your family's used to that sort of thing, but didn't it kill you to be his last resort?

You resorted to me before he came penitent to you, so I had one on him there. I had you first, and I told him all about it. Save your party tricks for me, do you, Gin? He never knew how you broke the bedpost. He was shocked! His sweet, darling, sedate little Virginia May doing such things--that couldn't be true! He would fight for your honour! Where's the truth, Gin? You told me your middle name was Mystic.

So we had each other before he could do anything, and that meant something to me. Take two people together and banish the third, and the third becomes the second fiddle--my favourite kind of math. And he didn't even care. He didn't even know. You don't realize the power you could have given us by telling him!

That's what we should have done, have a strategy, and here I was trying to get you flowers when I should have been demanding eternal fidelity. You would have given it. Mine has been given.

I hope you didn't love him. You had to have noticed the times I asked you, and, "Just say the word, Ginny." Tease. To withhold from me the one thing I needed to hear you admit or deny, but what did you care? You kept me holding on, and he gave you roses while I pleaded with you for a decision. He never got you jewellery like I did. What would you have done then? You sold mine; you would have treasured his.

I want you to be sorry. I want your guilt. I want you to want me. It is your fault, Ginny, because you didn't do anything to stop it. You should have been there. It would have been your ultimate test. You'd only end up going home with the consolation prize. To have you there, still needing him, would have driven me further.

All you've got left is me, Gin, and you'd better get used to it now. Your golden saint is tarnished, rusted, but your silver fiend remains.

You told me you liked the rain and the snow, but I saw you out with him on the sunniest days. You burned and freckled, and that's what you get. We are both the same; it would have happened to me, too.

I need you. You have to come up tonight, whatever it takes to get you here. As much as I would want to shield you, I'm going to be selfish now. You have to come. You can see him one last time, if that'll tempt you. I don't know whether you'll be able to recognize him, because he didn't have a scar by the time I was through.

Just think, all it took was seconds, and it'll ruin years. I'm not going to be able to hide him. There may be another inspection very soon, and I only have so much to hold it off with.

Damn it... I'm scared. I'm terrified.

Come up, one last time. At least I can have a scion to break me out when the time is right, and you'll be there.

-DAM