Come Back and Haunt Me

Come Back and Haunt Me

Remus hadn't been lying in the hospital wing the night Dumbledore died. He was too old, too dangerous, and too poor. But Tonks knew the real reason just as well as Remus did. In fact, Remus was surprised that no one else had been able to figure it out.

After he left Hogwarts that night he returned to Grimmauld Place; he had continued living there even after Sirius died. At first, before any rational part of his mind kicked in, Remus had thought he was seeing a ghost. Rationality reminded him, however, that ghosts are far from solid and that Sirius Black would never, ever return as one. He knew almost right away what she was doing and it made him sick that she thought it would work. Yes, on first glance she looked liked Sirius, but from up close it was like looking at a copy of a copy - all the pieces were there, but some things were blurry and hard to read, and others simply hadn't copied at all.

Remus hated that Tonks would do this. He hated that she would twist herself like this, all to try and ensnare him - put him in a situation she knew he wouldn't have the willpower to walk away from. And so even though she didn't look perfect, and even though he knew he would hate himself for it and that deep down she would hate him too, and even though this was something Sirius never would have done if he were alive and Remus dead, Remus did it.

At first it was terribly awkward. She tried to kiss him, but up close she looked too strange. Her features were so disturbingly close to Sirius's, but the fear and hesitance in her eyes were so foreign to that face. It killed Remus just to look at her and he knew any sort of tenderness with this woman would be impossible. There was no point in trying to dress the encounter up in pretty wrapping. If she was willing to put herself in this situation, if she knew the only way Remus would have her was if she came to him disguised as his dead lover, then she would have to be satisfied with what Remus was willing to give.

No kissing, nothing gentle or tender. If he could only see her from behind, if he left his eyes only half open, then he could almost make himself believe it was real. If she just kept quiet and didn't remind him of who she really was, didn't make some gesture or expression that was dreadfully un-Sirius, then Remus could make himself suspend his disbelief just long enough.

When he climaxed he dug his fingernails slightly into her back. It wasn't intentional, but it made her gasp and any illusion that this was Sirius vanished instantly. She could change her form, but not her voice. Remus turned away from her and sat on the edge of the bed. He felt sick, like he might vomit. He pressed his palms into his eyelids so hard he saw colors. She came up behind him and placed a tentative hand on his shoulder. Remus flinched; her hand was small and soft now, and he knew she had transformed back into herself.

For once Tonks took the hint. She quickly dressed and only glanced back at Remus for a second before she left. He looked up at her for that brief moment, but didn't catch her eye. She looked like herself again, whatever that meant. She was like a Boggart - Remus had no idea what her true form was. But her hair had changed from shaggy and black to spiky and pink, and her body was again smooth and feminine.

He promised himself then it would never happen again. He felt too awful to let it happen anymore.

But that is what Remus tells himself after every time Tonks comes to him - never again. He wants so badly to be a good person, whatever that means, but he is weak and selfish - at least that's how he sees it - and the small comfort he gains while he feels momentarily haunted by Sirius Black is always enough to break him.