On the Way Down

Sick and tired of this world

There's no more air

Tripping over myself, going nowhere

Waiting, suffocating, no direction

I took a dive and

All I wanted to do was fall and never get back up. I couldn't breathe and I was scared. Sitting in those cold dungeons looking at the stars through a small window two feet above the point where I could reach it. Pity as it would have been a perfect escape. Yet at the same time I wanted to stay because you were there. You had come that first night with a cloak to keep me warm and some food. I was so surprised that I couldn't move. I had just heard your father forbid anyone to give me any food because I 'wasn't cooperating'. You had been insulted that I hadn't eaten after I had stared at you for a few minutes.

"I didn't poison the food Weasley." Your voice had been low and almost a growl. You didn't seem happy and suddenly I met your eyes. I could see something there but I didn't know what it was. I can only remember eating slowly as you watched me on the other side of the bars of my cell.

"Why are you here?" I had asked the question without realizing it and when you answered I was again startled as your voice drifted over me. For some reason having you there was comforting.

After six years of hating you and even longer of learning to hate everything that your name stood for I finally saw you differently. A month ago you were pale rat faced arrogant and cruel. Somehow when you brought me food against your father's wishes I saw a different side of you. I could see you as you. White blonde hair long and shaggy was always falling into your soft grey eyes. Your noise was pointed in that arrogant way that made you like your father but your other features were softer and more like your mother's. You were still as skinny as ever but you had muscle I could tell. I had seen you fight my brother on occasion.

"I am related to two people who don't give a shit about what I do. They don't exactly go out of their way to keep me busy and I don't want them to. Doesn't make it any less boring around here and I thought I would pay you a visit" was all you said. Quite the charmer.

"You ever get any girls with that mouth?" I asked sarcastically.

"If I had been trying to entice you, Weasley, I would have done so already and I wouldn't have to use my mouth," was all that you would say.

I almost laughed at that. It was the weirdest conversation I could ever remember having. If someone had told me in advance that I would be sitting in the Malfoy dungeons talking to Draco Malfoy about seduction I would have carted them off to St. Mungo's. "I wouldn't bee so sure if I were you Malfoy. You know nothing of my innocence or lack thereof."

"Please Weasley, you're a goody good Gryff and a sixteen year old sister of six brothers. What could you possibly get up to?" I did laugh this time at your tone. I could see right through it now. There were underlying emotions hidden by a veil of sarcasm and hatred. I could tell you were teasing me though.

You were still teasing my six months later when your parents were put in jail and I was released. You would never tell me how they got caught. We didn't speak of the future. We parted with a goodbye and I felt something leave me when you turned away and walked back home. That home that you would walk into and find emptier than you ever thought it would be. But neither of us had understood that at the time. We hadn't realized that after all that time we had spent in those dungeons something had developed between us.

On the way down

I saw you, and you saved me from myself

And I won't forget the way you loved me

And on the way down

I almost fell right through

But I held on to you

Those next few months were hard. For some reason after my escape I felt worse than before. All I knew was black and I was falling now. I was falling and I didn't know how to get back up. I wanted to this time I need to get back up because there was something I had to do. I didn't know what it was though.

My family watched as I fell deeper into myself. All I could think about was you but I couldn't see what was right in front of my face. I couldn't see that I was in love with you and all I wanted was you. I couldn't eat because I didn't want to remember you bringing me food so I would live. I didn't want to sleep because I would dream. Your face was burned into my brain. I would close my eyes and I would see you sitting on the other side of those bars reaching out to me. Only I couldn't reach the hand you were extending to me.

They had doctors see me and I wouldn't speak because the only words I wanted to say were meant for you. The doctors gave p saying that I had to want to live or they couldn't help me. They couldn't see that I did want to live just not without you. But then how could they see when I had never told them about you.

Been wondering why it's only me

Have you always been inside waiting to breathe

It's alright, sunlight on my face

I wake up and yet, I'm alive 'cuz

It was almost three months after we had said goodbye when I was sitting at the table for dinner. I wasn't eating and I wasn't listening to conversation. No one tried to talk to me anymore because I wouldn't answer. Somehow I heard your name flow into someone's words and I looked up. No one noticed as I paid rapt attention to Hermione telling the family that you had sold the mansion. She said that you had moved to a small apartment building across from Diagon Alley in Muggle London. I froze waiting for any more information. Ron snorted and asked why you had never ended up in jail with your parents. I tensed and Hermione retorted for me. She didn't know it but I was grateful that I wasn't the indignant one.

"Malfoy was never a Death Eater Ron and he saved your sister so I wouldn't be insulting him," Hermione snapped.

"Yeah and he probably tried to brag about it and rub it in her face right Gin?" Ron asked forgetting she wasn't talking. The whole room went silent as she stared at Hermione.

"He what?" she whispered.

"He saved you. Malfoy told the authorities that he was holding someone captive after he came to Dumbledore and Snape for help. That's why Lucius ended up in jail," Hermione explained.

That's when I ran. I just shot out of my chair and darted out the front door. I ignored the voices calling me back and I kept running. I didn't notice it was raining as I made it onto the streets to Ottery St. Catchpole. I was out of breath from running for so long. I walked until I couldn't anymore and I grabbed my wand. Summoning the Knight Bus I got on and paid for a ride. I settled into a corner chair in the back ignoring the stairs I was most likely getting. I could understand why. My flannel pajama pants hung low on my hips because I had waist or but to keep them up. I had lost too much weight. My shirt was almost transparent and the outline of my ribs could be seen easily. The dark circles under my haunted eyes were very pronounced in the daylight and overhead lights in the bus. I just curled up in the corner and watched the rain fall as we traveled everywhere and nowhere. I was on that bus for hours before the conductor dropped me off at the Leaky Cauldron. I went in and ordered a coffee and sat at a back table. I looked at the money that conveniently lay in my pocket and wondered if I should get a room.

On the way down

I saw you, and you saved me from myself

And I won't forget the way you loved me

And on the way down

I almost fell right through

But I held on to you

I think that's when you came in from Diagon Alley and said hello to Tom. I watched as you both talked like old friends and I didn't know what to do or say. My mind went back to the memory of you telling me that you hadn't been trying to entice me. I realized I was enticed and you hadn't even used those talented lips that you had bragged about. You had been right. I was so head over heals in love and confused at the same time. I wanted you so bad and I couldn't seem to grasp onto anything. I could only fall as you continued to talk to the innkeeper.

Suddenly the innkeeper pointed to me and you turned to meet my eyes. It seemed like you would never look away as your eyes bore into me questioning me even from the other side of the room. You did look away for a minute to say something to Tom and those few seconds killed me a little more. I just continued to watch as you walked over to me and took in my appearance. Neither of us said anything for a while and I couldn't take my eyes of yours.

"I got you out of that place to save you Weasley. What the hell do you think you are doing? You're going to freeze to death." You broke eye contact and I looked down at the floor.

My voice was hoarse from not using it and I croaked out the next words. "I'm not sure I care anymore." I couldn't imagine what my family had thought if I sounded like that.

"Come on we got to get you cleaned up." I followed you out of the inn and into Muggle London. I knew where you were taking me and I was thankful. I didn't have the strength to go home.

Up to your apartment we went and I smiled slightly at the Slytherin décor. The walls were green and the furniture black and silver accents could be seen everywhere. I hadn't noticed that you had wrapped an arm around my waist the whole time until I stepped away from you and collapsed. It seemed I was a lot weaker than I had thought. The running hadn't improved my health.

"Jesus Weasley what have you been doing to yourself?" you asked.

When I didn't answer you carried me into your room and grabbed some clothes. I heard you ask me if I could change by myself. I was so used to not answering and I was so confused at that moment that I didn't answer. I still don't know why I was confused. You sighed and undressed me until I was only wearing black cotton knickers. For a second I thought you were going to kiss me but you didn't. You redressed me in the dry clothes and I noticed that your jaw was clenched tightly. I thought you were angry with me.

"I'm sorry," I whispered when you had finished.

"For?"

"Whatever I did to make you angry."

"I'm not angry Ginny," you replied softly. Then you kissed me. A long slow and drugging kiss that made me tremble. I would have fallen but I held onto you for all it was worth and returned the passion as best I could in my state. I wasn't falling anymore. I was drowning in you and I loved the feeling. I didn't want you to stop and I would have gladly given up oxygen if it meant I could kiss you forever.

I want to fade, I'm going under

But now, the weight of the world

Feels like nothing, nothing

(down, down, down)

You're all I wanted

(down, down, down)

You're all I needed

(down, down, down)

You're all I wanted

You're all I needed

When the kiss ended you didn't let me protest and instead dragged me into your bed. After putting us both under the covers you held me and I felt safe and alive in that moment. I wanted to stay like that forever. The world could disappear and I would not have cared. I was finally in your arms and that was all that mattered. For the first time in months I slept and I didn't ever want to wake if it meant I had to leave this spot. Laying down there in your bed with arms wrapped around me. I could feel your breath against my neck in a steady rhythm.

And I won't forget the way you loved me

All that I wanted, all that I needed and now

When I woke up you weren't there but as soon as I sat up and looked around you were in the door way. It was still dark outside. I had wondered why I hadn't slept through the night but you answered my question.

"You have been asleep for five days," you said. "I talked to your brother and he told me you haven't been eating, sleeping or so much as talking. Why?"

"I don't know." I couldn't get over the fact that you had talked to my brother. Any one of them.

"Do you want to die or something?" He was angry for some reason.

"No."

"Then why the hell are you killing yourself?"

"I didn't want to live without...." I couldn't say it.

"Without what?"

"Without you." My voice was barely more than a whisper. "I didn't want to live without you."

On the way down

I saw you, and you saved me from myself

And I won't forget the way you loved me

And on the way down

I almost fell right through

But I held on to you