The Sleepers Awake

Chapter 11: Coffee Talk

Erszhebet was the first to return from the bathroom. She felt raw and very exposed and could not bear the prospect of facing the two women by herself. She stood in the kitchen going through the motions of getting to grips with dirty pots and pans.

There was a deafening silence from the sun room. Erszhebet glanced over and could see that the two women had obviously gone through all of the photo albums. "I will not feel ashamed, there is nothing to be ashamed of, there is nothing wrong with me," she thought. But no matter how many times she repeated her mantra Erszhebet still felt ashamed. "Can't take it back now," she thought. "Why did I do it; why did I show them those damned photos? That's it, another one bites the dust."

As she plunged her hands in the hot sudsy water Severus returned. He walked over to her and took the dishcloth out her small hands. "Don't worry about that now; leave it for later," he said in his normal icy tone of voice. Erszhebet flinched at his touch and his manner in spite of herself. She need not have reacted in the way that she did. She did not yet understand that this was merely Severus' way of regaining his self-control. It was not personal. It was not a judgment of her.

Control was very important to Severus and he had not had much of it since he first laid eyes on Erszhebet. His seeming cool detachment was what came naturally as for him there had not been a reasonable alternative. She did not know enough about him to know that more than anyone he knew exactly what she had survived - he knew.

Erszhebet could not bring herself to look Severus in the light of the kitchen. She could not help it, but she could not help but to think that he would not want her now. In spite of her talents and any accomplishments she had on the odd occasion regarded herself as damaged goods. No, she thought, a man like Severus Snape would never settle for damaged goods; especially Mugissant damaged goods.

Erszhebet was well aware of the prejudices of the Wizarding world. The politics and prejudices of that world were no different from this one she had said when she engaged in some rather heated discussions with her Wizarding friends in France. She knew a few more than just the Tritignants; but had met all of them save one through her favourite family. They all loved spirited debate and Erszhebet could hold her own with even the most articulate and intellectual amongst their group.

It was wrong of her, of course, to tar Severus with that brush given that she had no knowledge of her lovers' background in the Wizarding world. Driven by insecurity and fear she was causing a problem where there need not be one. The most sensible thing would have been to be completely honest with him and give voice to her fears. But she was caught up in her own flawed humanity and feeding his.

Erszhebet had not taken her hands out of the hot water and still had not faced Severus. He plunged his hands in the hot water and spun her around to face him. He lifted up her chin, and as he did so water and suds dripped down his arm and onto the wooden floor.

"What is it?" Severus asked, shocked at her recoil from him. "What's wrong?" "What have I done now," he thought, "What have I done wrong?" "Nobody likes a weakling, Snivellus," said the voice inside him. His bastard conscious was back with a vengeance.

"Nothing," she lied, her reply terse. Erszhebet was not used to the guise that Severus presented to the rest of the world. His cool tone and stony demeanor made her feel uncomfortable. It was a stark contrast to the obviously uncharacteristic unguardedness that she had been privileged to see in the last coupl of days.

"I know enough of you to know that you are lying to me; it serves no purpose," he said in the same tone.

Silence.

"What is it?" Severus asked again, clearly irritated this time. He was like a container of explosives; ready to go off.

Silence.

"Severina I am not looking for a fight; but you are not the same now as you were - before. I am nobody's fool I assure you in spite of previous appearances to the contrary!" he said with characteristic frostiness.

"Merlin's Beard," Severus thought, "I do not want to fight with her." There was nothing to fight about and yet Erszhebet seemed to be spoiling for one.

"You should go out to your friends. It's rude to leave them like that," she said stiffly.

Severus had had enough. His face was like thunder as he grabbed Erszhebet by the arm and walked her to the darkened living room.

He took out his wand. "Lumos." Severus used his wand to find his way to the fireplace where he had lain with his lover the night before. "Caminus Ignis". The hearth was now filled with a roaring fire and the light and warmth of it brightened the room considerably.

Severus pocketed his wand and turned his attention back to Erszhebet who stood stock-still. She had not moved from where he placed her. "Alright, I have had enough. What. Is. Wrong?" he roared.

There was a sharp intake of breath. Severus was furious.

Erszhebet was stony-faced, but Severus could see a hint of moistness in her eyes.

"Severina, I really do not need this. I do not need more tears. I do not want more tears. I have had enough weakness in the last two days to last several lifetimes. I need you to get your act together and tell me what is wrong," he said as he crossed his arms in front of his chest, a move that any Hogwarts student would be well acquainted with. All that was missing were his trademark black robes to add to the effect.

Erszhebet looked as if she had been slapped.

"Why not read my mind; that is what you people do is it not? Go on then, nothing is stopping you!" she retorted. "Weak, oh so I am weak. Ok. Touché!" she laughed ruefully as she shook her head in disbelief and looked around the room. She looked anywhere except at Severus who now stood in front of her, too close. She pushed him away.

"I need you to talk to me damn it!" Severus said murderously.

"If I am so fucking weak, which is obviously most displeasing to you, then why bother? There is the door - Professor!" she shouted.

Severus glowered at her, "After all this, after everything - do you really want me to go? You had better know what it is that you want Miss Bathory! If I leave I will not be coming back. And I will ensure that there is not one molecule of a memory of me left to ever bother you again. That is not a threat, my dear lady, it is a promise!" he hissed silkily as only he could.

"No," said the little voice inside him. "Stop it before it is too late. This is getting out of hand." But Severus could not help it; he was starting to feel as if he had been set up to be humiliated even though he knew that that was not the case. It was not the case at all. Damn her, he thought, damn her for sucking me in and making me feel; for making me turn into someone I don't even know.

Erszhebet could not help it, but she could only stand there blinking. A muscle twitched in one of her cheeks.

"Well that is what you want to do isn't it, Severus?" she shouted accusingly. "Go ahead, crawl away and leave me just like everyone else. Go find someone who is a pure-blood witch to share your bed.

Someone who is pure and clean and isn't damaged goods! Someone pristine who is worthy of you and your affection and your love and the goodness you seem to relish denying. You are all the same. You and your precious pure-blooded prick; don't waste it on filth like me! It's alright until you know - until you know me! Well now you do and at least you got a good fuck or two out of it!" she stormed over to one of the large windows and stared out of it, turning her back to him.

Impulsively Erszhebet lashed out and swiped the delicate glass ornamental artworks on top of the sideboard in front of it. They shattered into dozens of sharp jagged pieces as they hit the wooden floor. Some of the pieces cut her on her feet. Erszhebet stood there bleeding, seemingly impervious to her injuries and to the pain of them.

The moon had come out again and she was bathed in moonlight. She began to rock herself on the balls of her feet as she held herself. Her dark hair swaying gently, almost imperceptibly, as she did.

Severus looked as if someone had hit him with a Stunning Hex as he regarded this Dark Angel. Her tirade stung and she had acknowledged the more virulent extreme racism found in his World. "Goddess," he thought, "she thinks I am like that? That I do not want her; that I cannot love her now that I know." Had Severus been a different type a man, a man like his father, he might have hit her or worse for saying such things. But the truth of it hurt - he had been such a person as she described at one time in his life; but then he was a boy then - an immature and embittered teenager who had a lot of growing up to do. It had taken him years, and still he struggled.

Uncharacteristically for him, Severus was trying to calm himself down. Not surprisingly, he was failing. He did not need fists, oh no, words were his instrument of choice. But never the right words, the words which would diffuse a bad situation. The most sensible thing he could have done was to reveal his own troubled background; so that she understood that she finally had someone who understood. But he could not do it. No, he just could not do it. The easiest thing for him would be to get her where it hurts. But he would not do that to Erszhebet; he could not. She meant too much to him. He had come too far to do that her.

Before Severus could say anything to further inflame the situation Professor McGonagall swept into the room. She had followed them after hearing the raised voices in the kitchen and now motioned to Severus to stay quiet. She thought it wiser to leave Poppy in the sun room. Poppy's sharp tongue and quick retorts could sometimes make things worse without meaning to even when her heart was in the right place.

Professor McGonagall went to the tormented younger woman and did the only thing she knew to do; she gave Erszhebet what Erszhebet needed most. Minerva took Erszhebet into her arms and held her, and stroked away the tears on her cheeks as mother would her child.

She had had to do this so much with her students; guiding them through the turbulence of adolescence. It was a side of her that no one ever saw unless the situation required it. The students of Gryffindor House were like her own children. In spite of appearances that might have suggested the contrary she cared about each and every one that passed through Hogwarts. This was not limited to just students in her own House either.

Minerva looked at the young woman and as she did so she rather imagined that Erszhebet had not always had many people in her life that had shown her such tenderness or kindness. She had met a number of young people just like her in many ways during her tenure at Hogwarts. Severus Snape was just one of many. In this moment Erszhebet looked like she needed her mother, something which struck a cord in Minerva though neither Erszhebet nor Severus knew this.

"I know that this is not as easy for you as you would have liked for us to believe, my dear. It is not easy for Severus either. He does not need me or anyone else to speak for him; make no mistake about that. I will leave him to fill in the blanks. You both have your defenses, which took many years to build. I only hope that it will not take as long to tear them down. But you both must tear them down, brick by brick.

You both act and react as you do because it is what you know - it is what comes easiest to you. I rather think it will always be easier for you to find your balance though; something worth considering, my dear, the next time you lash out and take out your frustrations on someone else who does not have the benefit of such balance, someone who is only trying to care for you and give you the love that you want. Someone who is struggling and does not want to be.

I cannot guide you; it is not my place. Only the two of you together can work through the difficulties. I am here as a friend now for you as much as I am for Severus. I care about you both as people and I care about you as a couple. Yes, I know I don't know you very well - I do want to get to know you better; I am most sincere in this, Severina. We all want to. But from what I have seen so far, I believe Severus' interest in you is not misplaced. I have known him for many years. He was my student and I am privileged to call him colleague and friend," she said.

Severus tried to scowl at her - Minerva was not having any of it. "Give it a rest won't you; this is me after all Severus," she said plainly as she rolled her eyes at him.

Erszhebet nodded gently, indicating she agreed and understood. "Minerva," she said.

"Yes?" asked Professor McGonagall softly.

"I heard you - I heard you and Poppy; upstairs," said Erszhebet quietly.

"I am glad you did - it was for your benefit after all," said Minerva crisply. "Think about what you heard, eh Severina. And about everything else that has happened between you two; you seem to have forgotten it."

Erszhebets mouth was in a small 'o'.

"Minerva, what did you say?" barked Severus.

"Nothing that you wouldn't imagine that I would say, Severus," replied Professor McGonagall. "I told you at dinner; and Severina can tell you the rest...no doubt she has many questions for you, as you do her. Do try to not be so hard on her or yourself, Severus."

Minerva turned her attention to Erszhebet once more. "Severina, the same goes for you. Severus is - rather complicated. But I think you know that already," she said. "His manner - well, it can really wind me up sometimes and knowing him as I do I think he takes rather too much pleasure in it sometimes, the old bat. But it is a part of who he is, Severina. You have not known him long enough to know that. We all have our difficulties, just don't take it personally."

Erszhebet nodded again and raised her head, barely able to see Severus through her tears. She was barely able to see her lover who now stood in front of her.

"And do not tarnish him with the same brush of whomever it is that has been hurtful to you," said Minerva. "Attacking each other will not get either of you what you want."

Severus took Erszhebets hands in his, massaging them gently. "Severina, this is as difficult for me as it is for you; more so for me than you can ever know. It is hard for me to speak of feelings or to consider anyone else other than myself. It is not an excuse; it is what it is. I have only known you for two days - and yet it feels to me like a lifetime - we have been through enough already for a lifetime. My rational mind finds it challenging to accept," he said stiffly.

"You have had - rather immense difficulties. There is no doubt about that. I did not need to see those photos; I believed you. I am sure we don't know the half of it or what else you have been through. You also do not know what I have been through, what I have survived," he continued. "But you were right; I am not the only one who has suffered in this or any other world. I accept it, though the thought does not sit easily with me."

Erszhebet blinked and nodded, giving his hands a gentle squeeze as he leaned her head on Professor McGonagall's shoulder as Minerva wrapped an arm around her waist.

"When I said weakness, I did not mean you, Severina. Merlin's Beard you are anything but - despite your interesting display of temper and rather colourful language at times; I have no doubts about that. I was referring to emotions - to tears and upset and displaying them. I am not by nature a warm and cuddly person - life has not permitted it and I myself usually do not. I am making an effort with you - a considerable effort.

There are reasons why I conduct myself as I do, primarily it is because I have not known any other way. It is survival; no more no less. But you Severina, you are bringing things out of me which I never believed possible. I am struggling in ways that you cannot imagine. It has not been altogether comfortable or even pleasing to loose control.

You have to get to know me as much as I do you. The circumstances; well our circumstances have not permitted that and you can only learn but so much in such a very short time regardless of what you feel - surely you see the sense in that?" Severus said quietly, but firmly.

Erszhebet nodded.

"Tell him, dear, just tell Severus what is wrong," said Minerva. "That was all he was asking of you; he does want to know what you are feeling - even though it is difficult for him as he explained. If you two cannot talk to each other then you may as well end it now, before either of you gets any more hurt than you bothhave been."

Erszhebet swallowed, "I feel so - stupid," she said softly.

Had it been anyone else, Severus would have been inclined to verbally agree. But Erszhebet had done the impossible. She had touched Severus Snape - inside.

Minerva knew it and she was determined that they should work things out and said so before she took her leave of them and retired to the sun room; confident that they wouldn't kill each other.

"I thought you wouldn't want me now, Severus," said Erszhebet gravely as she twisted her hands. Severus gripped them to stop her from doing it - her bad habit irritated him. "Because of - what you know from the photos and what I said. I thought you would find me - repulsive; I know the prejudices of the Wizarding world run as deep as those in this one. We are all people, after all; magic or no magic. But I know have seen for myself that someone like me, a Mugissant practicing witchcraft is not well regarded in your world. And my background - well it's probably no more socially acceptable there as it was here. I will not use such hateful language, but I know you understand me. And with everything else, well I could not help it."

There was more silence as the two lovers regarded each other.

"Is that what you think of me; do you honestly believe me to be that way?" asked Severus quietly though clearly he was shocked to hear her use that word; repulsive and that amongst other things she was referring to the term 'mudblood', no doubt there was a French counterpart. Severus had used it at one time in his life - and had regretted it ever since. "Severina, if I honestly thought that or felt that way about you we would not be together now. The last two days would not have happened and I would be at Hogwarts now instead of here with you."

"I told you; old habits don't die with me - as much as they should," Erszhebet responded quietly. "I cannot help it that I had those thoughts. It's just - that is what life has given me with few exceptions. And even with the exceptions one or two I know for certain were real and genuine. I guess I have as much mistrust and suspicion sometimes as you do, Severus. But I do try to get past it; I don't always succeed as tonight shows and I am sorry for that. I am really sorry for my hateful attitude and what I said."

"I owe you an apology," she continued, "A big apology. I was wrong and the way I acted - well, I hope you won't hold it against me."

Severus started to speak but Erszhebet held up a hand.

"I need to be honest, Severus. I reacted to you mainly because of my own baggage and because of the way someone else reacted to me, the night before we met actually. Someone who was supposed to be a friend, but who has shown himself unworthy of the consideration I have given him. I have not had time to deal with it truthfully, and no, I am not on a rebound; it was not a romantic relationship at all and I probably should have dealt with it before - before we got involved," she said emphatically.

"Patrick you mean," said Severus coldly with a characteristic sneer. But secretly he was pleased that the relationship had not been an intimate one. Fleetingly he wondered who her past lovers had been then and for whom was it that she had created those candles. They had definitely been created for someone.

Erszhebet went pale, the colour draining from her face.

"How do you know about him?" she asked incredulously.

"I have a few things to tell you too," said Severus blithely.