Love in the Shadows

The first time there was no sound save for Remus's hiss of "be quiet. And don't touch me" when Sirius tried to do so. After that, Sirius lay immobile while Remus's hands roved over his skin, his eyes open but glassy all the same, his lips slightly parted and dry. His breath came in regular intervals, and if the hands hungrily touching him stirred anything but languidness he instinctually knew better than to acknowledge it. When Remus was satisfied he pushed Sirius away without a word and the other boy knew he had been dismissed, as it were. Laying prone on top of his covers, Sirius watched as Remus got up, walked and closed the heavy drapes of his bed, disappearing behind them, their gazes never once crossing.

The second time Sirius tried to push Remus away, but it was a meek, half-hearted and confused attempt that only earned him a reproving glare. Remus was lying on top of him, fingers sedately tracing lazy patterns down his arms. Even then they did not speak, as they did not speak when they passed one another in the corridor and Sirius pretended to be sorry and Remus willing to forgive him. When Remus got sick of him he rose and left without a word, and neither one felt the need to try and clean the mess he left behind.

The third time everything was silent save for the rustle of cloth upon skin. This time it was not in the privacy of any bed but against the wall of a corridor and it was once again Remus's fingers that ran through Sirius's nobility-pale skin, hungry and angry, leaving marks in their wake despite the thick winter robes and eliciting the occasional pained gasp from the dark-haired boy. This time his eyes were closed, his face scrunched up into a suffering expression, and once Remus was done he turned around and left without a word, leaving behind a Sirius caught in some strange reverie.

There was no sound the fourth time either, although this time Sirius did have to bite back two or three groans and moans to avoid breaking whatever illusion it was they thought they had created. He lay still on his back as Remus's mouth acquainted itself with his body, hands clenched at his side until Remus's tongue pried the fists open. Once done Remus kissed Sirius's forehead with all the tenderness he had yet to show him and then left for his own bed. Sirius lay stretched in bed, immobile for a long while, and his eyes glazed over disinterestedly.

When the fifth time came around Sirius had already learned to not so much as flinch when Remus dug his nails into his skin. He did not blink as Remus bit him, jaws clamping down with enough force to leave a mark as the other boy used him to muffle his whimpering. Later on, when Remus wrapped his arms around him, he neither relaxed no stiffened, but lay perfectly still until Remus grew tired of him and turned around to rest on his other side, quite succinctly letting Sirius know that it was time for him to return to his own bed.

The tenth time was like the nine before it, except that this time Remus took Sirius's hands in his own and placed them on his own body, commanding them as deftly as a puppeteer and never once making a sound. By this point Sirius had already worked out the purpose of this strange ritual in all its permutations, and submitted to it with that apathetic resignation that stemmed mostly from his own feelings of guilt but perhaps also from the novelty of the thing, the novelty of it all.

The thirteenth time Remus kissed Sirius's forehead with tenderness once again, and then leaned over to whisper something to him, but Sirius was caught up in his own little world and did not hear what was being said. Later, Remus wrapped his arms around him and did not push him away but instead pressed closely to his body, trying to steal his warmth.

The seventeenth time Remus's mouth found Sirius's own in the darkness, and it only took a gentle nudge from his tongue to pry it open and suck on the dark-haired boy's lower lip, and to elicit some sort of subdued response from him as they lay entwined with one another, the only sound that of their breathing. Afterwards, Remus smoothed the other boy's hair and fell asleep on top of him with a soft smile on his lips, and Sirius did not move once in the whole night.

The twenty-first time Remus woke up in the morning with Sirius's arms wrapped around him and blue eyes boring into his face, and he found that neither circumstance was as despicable as it may have initially seemed. Remus smiled softly, very softly, and the twenty-second time he was very careful not to use his nails or his teeth, or leave behind any marks.

In the middle of the twenty-seventh time Sirius looked up suddenly and whispered "Moony?" with so much innocence that it effectively shattered whatever spell they were both under. Remus slapped him hard for his transgression, but nothing else happened that night.

The twenty-eighth time Sirius was equally insistent, and this time he squirmed and fretted after his appellation was met with no response. Remus was in a better mood and had half a mind to reply but it would not have done to say something at the time, not when they spent all their waking hours ignoring one another. He shushed the other boy, who complied regardless how unsatisfied he looked.

The twenty-ninth time Sirius tried again and received a harsh "what?" for an answer, along with an angry glare. "Nothing," he replied with a sigh, then his head lolled back and his lids dropped as he passively submitted to Remus's rough hands.

There was no thirty-second time because the moment Remus lay eyes on Sirius, still and unblinking on his bed, as was their custom, a shudder coursed through him and he turned around, undignifiedly moving away while looking thoroughly disgusted. Sirius apathetically wondered if this was because of him or because of something else, but the next morning he wrote everything down, as diligently as he had the thirty-one times before, not without thinking that this was one strange game that they were playing, but that if it was Remus's way of extolling revenge or granting forgiveness for sins past he could put up with it some more, regardless how little he may have liked it.

The thirty-third time was probably the roughest and most painful of the lot, and afterwards Sirius could have sworn that he felt Remus shake once or twice with contained emotion, had he not been thinking about his Arithmancy homework and upcoming Christmas vacation while the other boy held him close and tight as if his life depended on it.

Sirius was not so daft the thirty-sixth time around, and snapped out of his languor for long enough to turn around and see Remus's eyes shine with something other than anger or disdain when they were curled up against one another, but he was both surprised and still caught in a daze and therefore did not do much else other than acknowledge the presence of this new factor in their game.

The morning after the thirty-seventh time Remus murmured something that could have been "I'm sorry" or just as easily "a lorry" and as far as Sirius was concerned both were equally good non-sequiteurs, so he did not ask him to clarify but pretended he hadn't heard a thing and refused to open his eyes until Remus had risen and gone into the bathroom, because he did not much want to think about it all.

The thirty-eighth time was actually rather tender, and Remus sighed contentedly as he carded his fingers through Sirius's hair until something in him suddenly broke and he pushed the boy away with a violence different from the anger of so many nights ago. This time, Remus did distinctly say, "forgive me" before leaving, but somewhere deep down, where he was convinced of his own worthlessness, Sirius told himself that if anyone had anything to be forgiven for, it was him.

The forty-second and last time did not go beyond Remus looking Sirius in the eye sadly and saying, "I'm sorry, Pads. No more of this," and then trying to push him away. But Sirius, who was never comfortably with this strange arrangement, had gotten so used to it by that point that he had forgotten how to sleep alone and preferred to feel Remus's arms around him, so that it in the end it wasn't so much love as routine that drove them together.

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