A Change of Heart

Chapter 19: Truth be Told

The next day was as hectic as ever. It seemed that teachers were so nervous about the events that had happened during the feast, they had taken it upon themselves to drown the students in homework as to keep them from asking too many questions. Peter had looked nervous during professor McGonagall's class, squeaking a question about human transfigurations (for which his friends laughed at by the way), so that they got an extra load of work on the assignment due for the class.

"I thought I had made myself very clear, Mr. Pettigrew, but perhaps my explanation wasn't enough. Make that-- two rolls of parchment due for next class," she said in a stern voice. The Slytherins, who coincidently, shared that class with them shot Peter threatening glares and even some of the Gryffindors had attempted to hex him when Professor McGonagall had turned her back to them.

"Great going Peter, just what we need, more work," James said irritated as they walked out of the classroom.

Truth be told, the day in general didn't seem to offer anything good. Not after what he had had to endure the previous night in the common room. He had been subjected to suffer, for what had seemed to him like hours, of Lily and Sirius acting like a couple. He had been watching them as discreetly as possible from his seat in front of the fire as they talked in hushed voices in the furthest corner of the common room. Sometime in between, he could've sworn he had seen Lily staring at him, in a way he often found himself staring at her. In yearning for something he knew he couldn't have. He tried to shake those feelings as he saw her enter with her friends into the Great Hall for lunch. He was still deep in thought, thinking about Lily when Sirius' voice took him out of his dreams.

"So are we doing anything tonight?" Sirius said taking a look down the teacher's table. For a while it seemed as though he was looking for someone, but James assumed he was on the look out for Hagrid.

"Don't see him there do you?" James said glancing at the end of the table. "I wonder where Hagrid has gone off to..."

"What do you mean?" Sirius asked confused.

"I think he's doing it again..." Peter said looking at his friends helplessly.

"Sirius? Don't you remember? We've been looking for him since yesterday and he's no where to be found," Remus said looking at Sirius oddly.

"Yes, quite right. Sorry, spaced out for a minute there," Sirius said in a bright voice.

"Well, anyways, if we don't see him for dinner, I think it's safe to say I don't think we'll see him at all. Not tonight anyways," James said as he looked down the table and glanced at Lily once again.

"Well, Prongs, looks like a quiet night in the common room for us tonight then..." Remus said as he picked up his goblet and started drinking.

"I guess, if Alice hasn't owled you back yet, I'm not sure if there is anything we can do," he said drawing his attention back to his friends. They made idle conversation for the remainder of the meal when someone tapped James on the shoulder. It was professor Munin.

"I know that with everything that's been going on lately, it might've slipped your mind. I just wanted to remind you that your student will be waiting for you in my classroom today at seven," he said in a somber voice. He seemed rather preoccupied but he gave James a small smile as he walked away.

"What's that about?" Sirius asked James as the professor walked away.

"I had completely forgotten about it. I'm tutoring someone today in DADA. I guess whatever the plans are for tonight, you can leave me out of them. I don't know how long I'll be with the knucklehead I'm tutoring and by the time I might be done we would need the invisibility cloak and the marauder's map," James said slightly annoyed. He partly wished he didn't have to tutor someone, but he welcomed the distraction. Anything would be better than watching Lily and Sirius in the common room again. By the time he had finished speaking, it was time to get to their next class, so they walked back, rather low-spirited, to their ancient runes class.

***

When Lily said goodbye to Sirius after dinner in the Great Hall, she felt an odd sense of relief at the idea of tutoring, being away from everything. Between her endless thoughts about James and Sirius, the cloaked people outside Hagrid's Hut, the unknown attack, and the traitor in their mist, Lily felt as though her once safe haven was now destroyed. She no longer felt as safe in Hogwarts as she had before. All the thoughts that their school was still the safe place against the rising Dark Lord were quickly being put to test. Not to mention, it seemed that the problems that were supposed to come with age and had been delayed for the past years were now starting to accumulate. She had never had any problems with boys, mainly because she had never bothered to consider the idea of a relationship. And it seemed odd that at one point she had actually dreamed of being with Sirius, and now, unwillingly, she saw the face of another boy as she thought about relationships. James' face came unbidden in her thoughts, and while she tried to convince herself that it was because he was the most insistent boy she had ever met, a voice inside herself kept muttering, 'Stop lying to yourself'. She pushed the thoughts off her head again and she walked into the DADA classroom, where Professor Munin had reminded her she was to receive her tutoring.

At ten to seven Lily sat in a desk while waiting for her tutor to arrive. Professor Munin had told her he had set up the best tutor he could find, albeit he had forgotten to tell her their name. So she was to be surprised at seven by her tutor.

When James came into the room, he half-expected to find it still empty. He had tutored people before and knew how rare it was for them to actually be on time. But to his surprise, he found his 'student', as Professor Munin had so eloquently put it, waiting patiently in her desk, unaware that he had even entered the room. He was surprised as he recognized the person sitting with his back to him in the desk. He'd recognize her anywhere, even though he couldn't really see her. That auburn head was as a beacon to him and he smiled as he wondered if she was the person he was to tutor.

'It couldn't be,' he thought as he approached her.

"What are you doing here?" he asked surprising her.

She jumped in her seat and turned to see him. She seemed just as surprised to find him there as he was.

"I--what are you doing here?" She asked repeating his question.

"I came here to tutor someone, but surely that can't be you," he said incredulously, smiling and looking confused. He saw her close her eyes and do a double take on what was to be her company for the night and he spoke again. "Right?"

"I should have asked," she muttered almost inaudibly. She got up from her seat, looked up at him, and said in her most confident voice. "I'm not getting tutoring from you."

"You? You---of all people need tutoring?" he asked unbelieving. "I wouldn't have thought---Why?"

"Well, I---I don't need to explain myself to you," she said starting to get defensive.

"Sorry, I don't mean---it's just that you are Head Girl, Lily. I'm sorry if I do seem a bit shocked," he said looking rather amused.

"I work hard to do well," she said annoyed.

"I don't doubt it..." he said a smile still on his lips.

"Stop it!" she said exasperated.

"Stop what? I haven't done anything," he said trying to hold in a smile.

"You want to laugh at me," she said sounding hurt.

"I don't---really. Come on, just take a seat. Let's just get started," he said moving a desk next to the one she was sitting in. When she failed to move at all he looked at her confused. "What is it?"

"I'm not staying. I know you're just dying to laugh at this!" she said annoyed.

"I'm not going to laugh. It's good for you to recognize that you need help," he said keeping a straight face.

"You're still doing it!" she said picking up her books and making for the door.

He rushed to stop her, taking her hand and dragging her back to her seat.

"You obviously need the help; otherwise Professor Munin wouldn't have asked me to tutor you. Now come on, stop being such a kid and sit down. Maybe you'll learn something," he said giving her a smile.

She let out a groan and sat down, letting her books fall on the table. He glanced at her momentarily as she continued to pout and turned to open a book. He started paging the books distractedly and finally looked up at her.

"Wait, before we start... can I ask you something?" he said turning to look at her.

There was a mix of curiosity and slight annoyance etched on her face as she sighed and nodded. "What do you want to ask?"

"Why do you---I mean---what is it---why---" he attempted to ask.

"Why do I dislike you?" she completed for him. She avoided his eyes and sighed. "I'm surprised Sirius didn't tell you. After all, I assumed he would."

She seemed sort of distant for a minute before answering. He could've sworn she heard her mutter for a minute, 'I should've just asked Sirius to tutor me when he offered'.

She looked at her books and started talking rather tiredly as though she didn't want to say it, "You hex people without even bothering about what thy feel. You humiliate them and don't care about what they go through when everyone takes after your example and picks on them too. You set and example James, whether you want to or not, the way you treat people--as head boy and in your last year you should respect people as an example to the younger kids."

It was more of a statement than an accusation. Unlike when she had spoken to Sirius about the same topic, this time she there wasn't an ounce of anger in her voice. It sounded to James as though it was more a piece of friendly advice.

"Is that it?" he said jokingly. She gave him a smile and looked down somberly.

"You should take it into account," she said seriously.

"I will. I'm sorry. I know that people take after us and I know it's not exactly nice..." he said looking ashamed.

They sat there for a few minutes, neither saying anything, lost in their own thoughts. Lily finally broke the silence voicing out her own feelings. If they were trying to clear the air, it seemed only fair that she ask the question that had been on her mind for a while.

"I've said a lot mean things to you haven't I, James?" she asked almost absentmindedly. "Why would you---I mean why--why were you so intent on asking me out?"

He looked down at his book and avoided her gaze for a while before answering. "I just thought--you and I would hit it off. No real reason."

Truth be told, Lily thought he wasn't being very honest. She glanced back and forth between James and a spot she had stared at on the desk for the last few minutes. She kept thinking about all the times James had asked her out. While some of those times had been embarrassing and degrading, some of them had been rather charming. Moments that he had shared with him had been nice and sweet even. Like that day in the infirmary when she had been tending to his wound; or when they had been searching for Sirius on Saturday night. She wasn't so sure she would've had so quickly forgiven Hannah or Sarah if they got involved with someone they knew she liked. Yet James had thrown away his resentment and anger, to look for his friend. He had been so loyal. It was something that made her look at him in awe. But that was it, she tried to tell herself. That was all she had been feeling when she had looked at him the previous night in the common room. That what those unknown feelings gnawing her at the back of her mind as she forced herself to look at Sirius last night had been.

"Lily, let's just start working why don't we?" James said pulling her out of her thoughts.

"Yeah, right," she said looking back at him. She tried to switch back to learning mode as she looked down at her book, Defense Against the Dark Arts: everything you need to know. "I was having some trouble with counter curses..."