A Change of Heart

Chapter 6

Lily didn't see James until the end of the day at the great hall having dinner. She made Sarah and Hannah sit as far away from him as possible, in fear of retaliation. Both Sarah and Lily had asked Hannah to explain her earlier words, but she just sat there, grinning broadly at them and providing them no answers.

"I don't like Troy," Sarah muttered as she looked at the Ravenclaw table where Troy was sitting.

Lily was unsure as to what Hannah had said. It was obvious, of course, whom she had been referring to, but she just didn't want to accept that interpretation. Instead, she looked over at Sirius, who was like always next to James. He had been looking in her direction and had quickly looked away as if to hide his actions. Lily grinned. She really did enjoy being around him. He was funny and nice and good-looking. She realized most of the girls in her year had a thing for Sirius. Just as many girls had a thing for James as well. She didn't like to think they were alike at all. She was perfectly fine thinking of James as an enemy. As someone who was only ever cocky and inconsiderate. She refused to let herself think of him as a normal person, with feelings and who had obviously some good features as to have Sirius defend him so unwaveringly.

"Earth to Lily! Lils, are you done or do you want to stay here staring at your dinner for a little bit longer?" Sarah asked smiling.

"Hmm?" Lily said trying to take in what Sarah had said. "Oh, right. I'm done. Yeah, let's go to the common room."

They headed towards the common room, but halfway there, Lily was held back by Sirius Black. "I need to talk to you," he said nervously. She smiled at her friends and they just grinned and left, walking back in hushed and excited voices.

"So, I would watch out for James. He's not exactly happy about having had a second skin," he said smiling as he said it. He let out a slight chuckle. "I wanted to know to talk with you about-- about classes."

She looked at him confused. He looked nervous again. He ran his hand over his silk-smooth hair, allowing Lily to have a good view of his eyes. He was very nervous indeed.

"About classes?" she asked skeptically. "What about classes?"

"Well, I noticed you and I had the same classes today..." he said rather quickly. "I guess I was just wondering what career you were going for."

"Well, to tell you the truth, I'm not quite sure," she said in a soft voice. She wanted to calm him down. Tell him he needn't be so nervous. "I don't want to be a healer, I don't want to work in Muggle studies, and I definitely don't want to be cooped up behind a desk and do paperwork all day. I guess I just want to be involved in something exciting. Maybe I'll become an Auror. I mean, I love the idea of it. Although, I have to say, I do have to work extremely hard to be good at all in my Defense Against the Dark Arts classes. So maybe that wouldn't work out."

"I could help you if you wanted. In Defense Against the Dark Arts I mean. I've done pretty well in most of the classes; it's by far my best subject. I was kind of leaning towards being an Auror myself. I know what you mean about being behind a desk, doing nothing but paperwork. There's nothing I hate more than being cooped up. I don't think I could handle a life of entrapment. I must be a bit claustrophobic."

He smiled at her as he said it. He looked up and down the halls as though expecting someone to come out at any minute. He was notably more relaxed than earlier but still edgy.

"Are you expecting someone?" she asked curiously looking down the halls as well.

"Yeah, my second arm..." he muttered annoyed. He looked back at her and smiled, "I just don't want to accidentally run into James right now. I'm sure he'll be wondering where I went off to."

She gave him a confused look.

"Well, you don't like him, do you?" he inquired curiously.

"Not particularly, no," she said scornfully.

He was looking for any signs that she wasn't being truthful. When he didn't find any, his curiosity got the best of him. He needed to ask.

"Lily, why do you dislike him so much? I mean, it really does look like you hate him, but I don't think he's ever done anything to you," he said earnestly.

"I don't hate him. I mean, not really. I think you'd have to be Snape to know what hate really is," she said teasingly. Turning a bit more seriously, she said looking right at Sirius, "He has no sense of what he does to people. I mean, think about it. How do you think it feels to be ridiculed in front of the whole school? To be laughed at, to be whispered about, to have people not be near you because they heard something about you or just because they don't want to be teased at because they know other people will laugh if they knew they were with you. It's really horrible Sirius. It can really lead some people to do horrible things. I-I lost a friend like that. She couldn't handle the pressure of school and she--she killed herself."

Her tone had dropped to a soft and grave voice. It wasn't the type of Lily he was used to seeing. He was afraid to ask if they were the ones responsible. If it had been one of the people they had picked on and they had been too self-involved to notice them gone.

"Was she a friend from here?" Sirius asked bleakly.

"No. A friend from Muggle school. I mean, I did have friends before coming here, you know?" she said giving him a soft smile, "She was very much lonely when I left my old school to come here. People picked on her and well... I really just don't like talking about what happened. She meant a great deal to me and I know it might not be the same for some people as it was for her, but what if it does?"

"I'm sorry," he said apologetically. "I never would've guessed---"

"It's okay, but now you know why. I used to think you were just like James, up until last year," she said giving him a soft look.

"Because I helped you with those Slytherins," he stated somberly, "You know, James isn't how you think he is at all."

"No, sometimes he's worse. I don't want to think that he's like those people in my old school, but all I have to do is look at how he treats people he doesn't like," she said heatedly. Her face managed a slight scowl.

"You see it that way because he's only ever that person when he sees you're in the room. He does it to show off," he said in a profound manner. Watching her face turn a bigger scowl he added, "Mind you, it's not a good way to show off, but it's the only one that's ever worked. To tell you the truth, he just really likes you."

She started walking back towards the common rooms in deep thought so that Sirius was scared to ask what she was thinking. She finally stopped at the stairs turned to him and asked in as a neutral voice she could muster, "Why do you want me to change my mind about him?"

He thought about his answer for a good while before he gave it to her. He considered telling her that it was because James had told him to do it. He quickly disregarded that response. He considered telling her it was because he, Sirius Black, liked Lily and wanted her not to hate his best friend. He wished he could say that, but stayed quiet. At last, he noticed her frowning at his silence. He would say the first thing that came to his mind.

"Because I know what James is like. In all honesty, he's my best friend and the way you see him is not the way he is at all. He's a great friend and he's stuck with me in my best and worst," he said honestly, "You two could hit it off as friends, is all I'm saying."

He smiled at her. She hesitantly took his answer as the truth. She was sure that James had still told Sirius to talk to her for him. She didn't mind talking to Sirius at all; she just wished it wasn't under false pretenses.

They walked to the common room in silence, only ever saying a couple of things to each other. Sirius was processing the conversation. He still hadn't thought about what he'd say to James. He seemed to be the main topic of their conversations. He wasn't too sure he liked it. He looked at Lily from the corner of his eyes. He had thought about it the other night; thought about the possibilities he had with her. Yet, on another hand, he knew how James felt. He had liked Lily since their fourth year. He couldn't really understand why, after all, James had never shared more than two kind words with Lily. How had James seen so quickly, what Sirius after four months' worth of conversations had only begun to see? But that was the thing with James; he seemed to recognize the value in a person, even if they themselves had yet to find it. This only made Sirius feel guiltier about everything. He couldn't explore his chances with Lily, not after all James had done for him.

Lily, on the other hand, thought that maybe telling Sirius about her friend Jamie had been a mistake. She didn't really talk about Jamie, but felt that under the circumstances, it would teach Sirius a thing or two. Even if he did tell James, maybe it would have a positive effect on him. Maybe then he'd realize what he did to people.

When they reached the common room, which was almost empty, Lily turned to Sirius and said in a whisper, "Just for the record, I don't think you are a bully. Not anymore."

She gave him a small smile before she walked up the stairs to her dormitory. Sirius watched her leave and turned to walk up to his own dormitory. Once he opened the door, he was greeted by James, who gave him a smile and asked, "Where were you? You disappeared midway through dinner."

"No where. I was just walking around."

Chapter 7

The first weeks of school passed rather quickly. It seemed that all their teachers were determined to work them hard as to prepare them for the NEWTs. Complaints could be heard from everyone in the seventh year, about the strenuous amount of work.

The pressure had even gotten to Lily, who was usually unaffected by the stress provided by classes. That however, was mostly due to the fact that she did well in her classes, up until this year. She was facing one of the most difficult times ever in her DADA classes. She had considered taking Sirius up on the help offer he had given Lily. Yet, every time she wanted to approach him, she reminded herself that they hadn't spoken much since the night after their first classes. It seemed almost impossible now to bring something like that up. On the most part it seemed as though he were avoiding her. To be honest, she imagined that sharing that memory of her old best friend might've been too much for him to handle. Lily imagined he must've felt awkward, or accused. Why wouldn't it sound as though she were accusing him? She had clearly pointed out that behavior like the one he used to take part in was wrong in her book. The more she thought about it, the worse she felt. She grew even more reluctant to talk to him now, after having exhausted the topic in her mind. The prospect of asking him to tutor her was out of the question now. She didn't deny that being with Sirius for a prolonged amount of time, would have been more about quality time with him, rather than actual focusing on her classes.

If only, she thought, she had considered the situation before she would've tried to get him to speak to her. She would've apologized for having said anything about Jamie at all, for making him feel bad. It was weird for her to actually think that way at all. She didn't often apologize to anyone. It was one of her greatest flaws, her mother had said. She was too proud to admit when she had made a mistake. As a matter of fact, she liked to think that she had studied and worked hard enough not to make many mistakes. But that was a wrong presumption and she knew it. Not only towards life, but especially concerning the opposite sex. Who was she to say she was right all the time? She knew that posed a wrong image to people around her. Sarah and Hannah didn't bother discussing something Lily thought she was right about. She was too stubborn. Yet, it felt easy to say she might've been wrong to share something so personal with Sirius. She came down with a resolution then, she would apologize.

'For having been open?' a voice said arrogantly. 'You were being honest.'

'For accusing him..." another voice added. "I think."

'My mistakes will come back to haunt me,' she thought wryly.

***

"Ever had that overwhelming feeling after you over think things?" she asked as she flopped down next to Hannah for lunch in the Great Hall. "I mean, really over thinking something, to the point where you think everything you've said and done is a mistake?"

"Yes and wow, you have a lot on your mind. You admitting you've made a mistake, doesn't actually sound right. Where's my best friend and what have you done with her?" Hannah asked smiling.

"I do make mistakes. There, I admit it," she proclaimed. "Is it really that weird? Me, admitting I've done something wrong?"

"What's wrong Lily?" she said ignoring her question. "What's with the over thinking bit?"

"Nice dodging! And where's Sarah? And have you seen the sky today?" she said mockingly. She sighed frustrated and looked at her longtime friend. "I was just thinking about Sirius."

She said the last part in a whisper as to not let anyone else hear them speaking about him. Her friend only supplied her with a wide-eyed look and smiled.

"Well?" she said after being quiet for a while. "Did you talk to him?"

Hannah was obviously eager to hear about Sirius.

"No, not really. I just... I was thinking about the conversation I had with him--" She started.

"You mean the one you had almost a month ago," she said disbelievingly. "Had you given it any thought at all up until now?"

"Well, not really. I just saw him in DADA class and I started thinking. I mean, I didn't hear a word Professor Munin said all throughout the class. Mind you, it wasn't particularly interesting, and I don't think it really matters considering I'm doing so badly in the class, but still..." she said hastily. "I don't know. It just hit me, that maybe he felt that I was accusing him or something. That maybe, that's why he's been avoiding me..."

"Talk about paranoid. Lily, you're going to drive yourself crazy. I think he just probably just has too much to do. Why don't you try talking to him?" Hannah said soothingly. She had never seen Lily act so oddly, especially about a guy.

"I don't know... I don't think--" she started hesitantly.

"You should talk to him!" Hannah exclaimed encouragingly. "You really should!"

"Yeah, you should!" Sarah said excitedly as she sat next to Hannah. "What are we talking about?"

Lily and Hannah rolled their eyes at their friend's attitude. She looked slightly disheveled as she leaned in to take food out of Hannah's plate. Other girls were looking at her curiously. Just as Lily and Hannah were about to question her appearance, Daya Jonkins and Aurora Thompson, their other roommates, looked over at Sarah and approached her smiling.

"Sarah, I heard you were getting in trouble over by the dungeons just a little bit ago," Daya said grinning broadly.

"What happened?" Hannah asked looking at the other two girls then looking at Sarah's thin-lipped smile. "You look like you're hiding something."

"Well, Bastian said he had seen you snogging some Ravenclaw just down the hall from Potions. Said something about how no one ever goes there..." Aurora said suggestively.

Hannah and Lily looked at Sarah wide-eyed. Their questioning gazes were ignored as Sarah desperately tried to ignore her friends' looks. She smoothed her hair out and flattened her robes distractedly. She heard Lily clear her throat, but still refused to look at her friends. She smiled devilishly and blushed furiously while Daya and Aurora told Hannah and Lily about Sarah's little adventure.

"So from what I hear, our little Sarah here skipped divination last week and today's DADA to be with the mysterious Ravenclaw," said a smiling Aurora.

"Ah, but actually, I believe I also heard that when she skipped divination last week, she was seen with a Hufflepuff. Seems Sarah, here, has been getting around," Daya added grinning.

"Don't talk about me like I'm some little harlot or something!" Sarah said appalled. "And how did you two come by this information, may I ask?"

"Alas, she speaks!" Lily said amused.

"Well, apparently she does more than speaks, we should ask some of the Ravenclaws..." Hannah said laughing.

"Or the Hufflepuffs..." Daya piped in.

"Oh stop it!" Sarah exclaimed embarrassedly. "Who told you this?"

"Bastian, you might have met him, he's in our year," Daya said in a sarcastic tone.

"Besides Bastian," Sarah said slightly annoyed.

"Some little third years were talking about this 'cool seventh year that was making out with one of the cutest guys available'," Aurora said smiling gleefully.

"Some kids! I need to start learning those little kids' names if I want to tell them not to tell on me!" she muttered looking down the table.

"So are you going to tell us who these boys are?" Lily asked amused.

"They're just boys. They don't mean a thing. I just didn't want to say anything about them. They're not that interesting..." Sarah said dismissively.

Sarah wouldn't comment on her encounters. She would dismiss the questions. They spent a few more minutes like that until the bell rung. Daya and Aurora left towards their class, while the other three girls took their time gathering their things before leaving the table.

"Will you tell us now?" Lily asked smiling.

"Not now! We have class now. I'll tell you in the safety of our dormitory later alright!" she said looking abashed. "And p.s.: word here travels fast."

They teased her all the way to Charms, then when they walked towards the library to work after class, continued on the way to dinner, and throughout all their time at the common room. By the end of the day, Sarah refused obstinately to give up any information about her wanderings. They spent days bugging her about it and she remained lip-sealed.

It was a relief to Lily, who hadn't been thinking about Sirius at all since every time she got together with her friends. They would begin to bother Sarah, which helped her push the Sirius-issue to the back of her mind.

Yet it was hard to do it in the classes she had with him. It was kind of hard to ignore the fact that he was in those classes since the marauders always did their pranks. They weren't what you called invisible.

So she sat in DADA classroom on Tuesday after break, just as class was beginning. Her mind lingered on the possibility to approach Sirius to attempt conversation, when she was brought into reality by the teacher, Professor Munin. He called her over to his desk with a smile. He looked at her with a sympathetic look and began to speak.

"Lily, I know you generally work hard in your classes to excel, but I'm sorry to tell you, I think you might need some help in this class," he sighed and pulled papers from a folder on his desk, "On our work with several of the spells against some of the creatures we studied the last month, well, I have to say that you need a lot of work. I want to give you a chance to bring your grade up, as I do with most of the people who don't do as well. I can arrange for someone to help you out if you'd like. I highly recommend it."

He looked at her expectantly and waited for her response.

"Yeah, that would be great. I was trying to look into getting tutoring, it's just that with all the workload, I've had very little free time," she said thinking her problem was solved. "Who would you recommend?"

"Well Lily, I'd have to look around to see who is willing, but I will let you know by the end of the week," he smiled at her and let her walk to her desk.

She was relieved about the fact that in the end she wouldn't have to ask Sirius for help. Then again talking to him for any other reason would be rather awkward. She was distracted for most of class thinking about the things she had talked about with Sirius. It felt so uncharacteristic of her to suddenly ignore a whole class to think about boys. No, not boys... a boy. She could feel her memory tracing back the moments she had spent talking to him. She suddenly felt a feeling of longing rush through her. She did enjoy speaking to him, but not having done so in almost a month seemed now ridiculous. She didn't really even have a reason for not talking to him, sort of.

'I can't over think it...' she thought self-assuredly. 'Carpe diem.'

She straightened up just as the bell rang. She was determined to talk to him now. She got up from her seat eyeing him as he left the classroom in the company of James, Remus, and Peter.