Splintered Reflections

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Padma loved Parvati. Loved her in the way that was only found in legends of the everlasting and the cycle of forever.

She remembers when they were smaller, a mirror reflecting itself in flying hair and secretive smiles. Rather than games of hide-and-seek that other children used to play Padma and Parvati pretended they were goddesses--they were named of them, after all. One night when they were wrapped up in blankets, hands palm to palm in silent communion, Padma wondered if they could actually be the reincarnation of a goddess, split into two bodies.

Parvati laughed and whispered, I don't like lotus flowers.

Padma whispered back, Whoever said I was the goddess?

I did, Parvati told her, and kissed her cheek.

And in the light of the scimitar moon shining though their window, Padma almost believed her.

*

They stood side by side at their sorting. Padma was perfectly calm on the outside; Parvati chewed her lips bloody with nervousness. I hope I get Gryffindor, Parvati said. That's the best House, you know.

Padma shrugged, looking up at the banners. I like the snakes.

Parvati shuddered. I can't stand snakes! They're all scaly, Padma.

Padma decided not to tell Parvati that she liked the idea of shedding her skin.

Padma's name was called, and she obediently sat on the stool. Professor McGonagall placed the Sorting Hat on her head. Where should I put you? the Hat mused.

Parvati doesn't like snakes, Padma told the Hat.

Indeed. Better make you.... RAVENCLAW!

Padma slipped off the stool and walked over to her new House. Blue and Bronze were her colors now; it reminded her of the ocean--it reminded her of the cold. She edged in at the end of the long, intimidating table and swallowed nervously as she watched Parvati.

Parvati shot her a bright smile as the Hat called out Gryffindor, and bounded over to the table bannered in bright red and gold.

Padma fought the urge to cry.

*

In the summer of second year, Lavender Brown visited their home for the first time. Padma hated her--hated her stupid blonde hair and her stupid blue eyes and the stupid way she giggled. Padma tried to avoid them, spending her days hiking in the hills around her home, finishing her holiday work much too quickly, and staying close to her mother to learn about the older legends of her people.

Parvati's been looking for you, their mother said one day, and Padma shrugged noncommittally.

Lavender's her sister now, she muttered.

Her mother tilted her chin and stared at her with piercing eyes. Parvati has one sister. Her mother retrieved a mirror from her room and handed it to Padma. Padma stared into the glass and saw Parvati's eyes looking back out at her.

Nothing can change love.

Padma nodded in embarrassment and went to search for Parvati. She found her in the sitting room with Lavender, and froze in horror. Parvati reeked of perfume and her mouth was unnaturally red. Like Kali, Padma thought, and recoiled; she wondered irrationally whose blood her sister had been drinking.

Isn't she beautiful? Lavender asked, but all Padma could see was the face of a stranger.

She went upstairs to her room and smashed every mirror within reach.

*

During fourth year, Padma discovered the art of henna, and spent all of her free time creating designs and drawing on the back of her hands. Unlike Parvati's fascination with the nebulous future, Padma prefered her interests to be material.

With their hobbies so diverse, winter hols was the first time since the Hogwarts term began that she had the time to talk to her twin, and she drew on herself as Parvati rambled on about everything going on in Gryffindor tower.

Also, Parvati halted, I heard that Seamus Finnigan likes me. Do you think we'd go good together?

Ask your crystal ball, Padma shrugged, although she had gone cold down to her core. She scribbled faster on her arm.

Fine then, Parvati laughed. I will. Seeing that Padma had run out of space on her arms, Parvati held out her own hand in mute invitation.

And although Padma longed for a new canvas, she declined.

*

Parvati had a tendency to sneak into Padma's bed after curfew. With the sound of Parvati's soft breath echoing in her ears and a body that was almost identical to hers wrapped around her, Padma couldn't tell where she ended and Parvati began. It was almost as though they were children again.

For the first time since she had come to Hogwarts, she was warm.

*

Padma was ashamed to admit she never really sought out her sister, too involved in her work to really notice the time passing. There were so many things to do--legends and history to read, classes to study for, and Parvati--well, Parvati had always been able to take care of herself. Which is why she was always pleasantly surprised when Parvati appeared at the Ravenclaw dormitory.

I need to talk to you, she said.

All right, Padma answered, obediently closing her books as she turned toward Parvati.

Parvati chewed on her lip and gestured hesitantly at Padma's quill. Would you...?

Henna takes time to mix, Padma answered coolly.

We're witches-- Parvati began, but she faltered at Padma's look of horror. Never mind.

There was a moment of silence and then Padma sighed and picked up her quill and ink well. Parvati smiled. They crawled into Padma's bed and drew the curtains, and by the time Padma finished tying the curtains together, Parvati was already lying down, her back a gleaming brown canvas for Padma's imagination.

Parvati's skin was warm under her hands.

Parvati began talking hesitantly as Padma drew on her back; she had broken up with Seamus, and no, she hadn't done any love augurs to see if their match was auspicious. She had gotten a new issue of Teen Witch Weekly, she was having so much fun in Divination, and oh yeah, Lavender was in love with her.

Padma's quill crumpled in her grip.

Oh, Padma's voice was hollow in her ears. Do you... do you feel the same? I mean, do you like...?

Parvati's skin quivered beneath Padma's fingertips. What if I do?

You're still my sister, Padma assured her, but the words were bitter on her tongue. She took out another quill and dipped it in ink, completing the pattern that she had begun.

Parvati twisted around and hugged Padma tightly. Her hair smelled like lotus blossoms. I'm afraid she'll discover my secret, Parvati whispered into the hollow of Padma's throat.

Padma laughed. You don't have any more secrets, do you?

Parvati avoided Padma's gaze. Everyone has their secrets.

*

Padma didn't measure time in hours and minutes. She measured it with how loudly her stomach was rumbling at her in annoyance. After all, she could only miss so many meals before her stomach became furious with her. Which is why she eventually made it out of her common room to ask the house elves for a snack.

The last thing she had intended to do was stumble on Parvati. And Lavender. Doing things that two girls just... should not be doing to each other. Lavender pressed up against the wall. And Parvati. Skin dusky in the light of the flickering torches. Padma's hand clenched as Parvati's hand tangled in Lavender's hair. Lavender's hand beneath Parvati's robes. Parvati's moan. Padma's tongue flickering out to wet dry lips as Parvati darted her tongue into Lavender's mouth. Lavender's eyes opening and locking onto Padma's.

Padma backed away into the shadows and went back to the Ravenclaw common room.

Her appetite had vanished.

She sat in the common room for so long staring at her parchments that Terry Boot sat down next to her, and shyly asked if she wanted to study together. Padma thought of her twin in that dark hallway and considered the thought that she might let Terry do more than kiss her tonight.

She wondered if the secret to being an adult was to make your own decisions, to consciously choose a different path than the one you'd travelled all your life.

And she thought that maybe growing up also meant growing apart.

*

Lavender was watching her again, and if Padma were honest with herself, as she often was, she would say it disturbed her. She hadn't spoken to Lavender or Parvati since the unintentional voyeurism in the hallway, didn't even know if Parvati knew she was there. But it didn't change the fact that Lavender was staring at her. She told Terry that she would meet up with him in the common room, and went into an off-shoot of the main corridor, intuitively knowing Lavender would follow.

Lavender was blunt. Stay away from Parvati.

Padma was abruptly reminded that she hated Lavender. She's my sister.

Lavender tilted her head to the side. She's been keeping secrets.

Padma shook her head. Everyone has their secrets. She pushed past Lavender and stepped out into the firelight of the torches lining the hall.

Padma, Lavender called, and Padma glanced back for an instant. Lavender was leaning against the wall as though it were the only thing holding her up, and tears were brimming in her eyes. Padma turned resolutely forward and stepped out into the open corridor. You're one of her secrets. Lavender whispered to her back.

Padma pretended that she didn't hear.

*

Padma decides that she hates hallways. When she has her own home after school, there isn't going to be a single hallway, no place for nooks and crannies or lies and deceit. Where she won't have to stumble onto things that she doesn't want to see.

This is the first time she's ever seen Lavender cry.

What's wrong? Her voice is like a thunder in the silent hallway and only then does she realize Parvati is there as well.

This is your fault, Lavender says, and pushes her way past Padma, tears still tripping down her cheeks.

Padma turns to Parvati in confusion. Parvati sighs and brushes off her robe. Lavender and I. It's finished.

I'm sorry, Padma says, but she really isn't.

It's not your fault, Parvati says, and that's when Padma realizes Parvati's crying.

Padma is ashamed of it, and hugs her sister reassuringly. It will be all right. You'll find someone else. You're a goddess, remember?

Parvati shakes her head violently, and touches Padma's cheek. I always said you were the goddess, Parvati says, her voice raw with pain, and then her mouth is on Padma's--rough, searching, desperate. Padma's eyes are wide open, but for a moment she dreams of melting away into her sister, of what it must be like to be complete. She falls back, and the stone of the hallway wall stings her palms. Her skin is crawling. What are you doing?

I want my soul back, Parvati whispers.

Padma thinks of Lavender, of Seamus Finnigan and Terry Boot, and shakes her head. I don't have your soul, she tells her calmly. You took it away a long time ago.

They never mattered. You, you have always... The moonlight makes Parvati's tears look beautiful, and Padma's breath catches painfully in her throat.

She shakes her head in disbelief and turns, her hands clenched as she walks away. Her nails are digging into her palms, scoring her flesh deeply, and although her footsteps echo in counterpoint with Parvati's sobs, she can't look back.

Padma knows that she loved Parvati, once upon a time. Loved her in the way that was only found in legends of the everlasting and the cycle of forever.

Padma wonders when forever lost its appeal.

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