Hunting For The Sun

CHAPTER FORTY THREE

It seemed, however, that sleep was not the welcome release that should be expected. Nor was flat-out unconsciousness. I was rudely, to put it in precisely the right terminology, awakened as icy cold water smashed into my face, stinging in my eyes and running down my chest to soak clammily into my top. I snapped out of my daze with a broken squeal, water pouring down my face and running off twisted tendrils of my hair. I sat, gasping for breath, as they all had a hysteric laughter fit, standing over me with an empty bucket.

I sat up - or at least I tried to. I crumpled and fell backwards, 'oofing' sharply as my back hit the hard floor. With a grunt of anger and frustration, I swung my arms forward and grabbed onto Draco's arm to pull myself upright.

'How DARE you?!' I demanded, quivering with shock, and shaking the water out of my hair.

'We aren't done yet!' Neit grinned, holding out a Margarita to me. I took it reluctantly, downing it in one and spitting the lemon out.

~

The rip-roaring headache that tore through my skull as though it was paper the next morning was hardly worth the fun of last night. I shifted up onto my elbows where I lay, looking around through bleary eyes, narrowed against the shafting light. I was, it seemed, sprawled across the table, several glasses smashed on the floor or lying around me and similarly with the playing cards. I reached up a numb hand, feeling a pressing on my face, and unstuck the Jack of Hearts from my left cheek. I glanced at it briefly, throwing it to the ground and swinging my legs around to sit up.

The room was in chaos. I could hardly see where anyone was, and definitely not who was there. I planned on saying 'hello', but it didn't come out like that.

'Berrh?' I grunted, surprised at what came out of my mouth, and how much it pounded at my skull.

'Couldn't agree more,' Raven grinned, pulling an olive-topped cocktail stick out of my hair.

'Where is everyone?'

'As far as I know, here. I think someone went to find a bathroom, but that was a whole ten minutes ago, and I'm buggered if I can remember that far back.'

I laughed, then grabbed my head, kneading it with my knuckles. Raven smiled at me, holding out a little bottle.

'You'll still have the hangover, but it won't hurt. Trust me.'

Something in the way she said it made me doubt if it was a good idea at all, but something else in the way she said it made me take the bottle and tip a few pills into my hand. I chucked them down my throat and washed them down with a half-empty glass of vodka. I coughed and spluttered, but composed myself. Raven arched a brow and gave me an appraising look.

'You've grown up,' she commented.

I frowned. 'I guess I have.' I shrugged.

'Trust me, you have.'

She sat back on the chair where she was sprawled, yawning loudly. 'You know, we need to go to London now. Well, Nottingham first, but you know what I mean.'

I swallowed. 'I have to stop them now?' I asked, a churning fear rising in my stomach, countering the fading headache.

Raven nodded. 'We need to split again. You pick about two or three people to go with you. I have some unfinished business at the Temple. Some of us still need to go to the Light Temple, too. I can go on my own, so that gives us...'

'I'll take Ori and Draco,' I said quickly.

Raven nodded. 'I can go alone. That means we have five people left. Neit, Skye, Perse, Cloud and Adura. We can send Skye and Perse to the Light Temple, then Cloud, Neit and Adura to London ahead of us. They can go to El Karem and try to find these two others we need.'

I slammed my hand against the table, slumping back and folding my arms across my stomach. 'But WHY? Why all the fighting? Can't they just stop themselves?'

I wanted to cry. A painful frustration, stoked by fear, gnawed at my throat and scratched at my eyeballs. I wanted it all to end, to curl up in a ball and wrap my hands around my head; not let the daylight in. Not for the first time, I wondered if I would be able to do this if I had to actually decide where to go. When I thought I simply had to move, keep moving, follow Raven, follow someone else, get away from the attackers, get away from the police, keep walking, keep breathing, keep blinking. Don't let your heart stop beating, for Christ's sake, don't let it stop. What would I do without all that? Without the sheer indecision drawn like a shawl about me by necessity.

'You know they can't,' Raven said quietly.

'Oh just shut up and leave me alone!' I snapped. 'You have no idea, do you? I know I'm going to die. I know. I've been meant to die all this time. Draco's going to die, then after that, it's only a matter of time before I do.'

Raven waited, expressionless, for enough time to pass in silence to convince her that I wasn't going to keep ranting until she spoke.

'Things seem crueller in the steel light of early dawn.'

Without another word, she got up and walked away, leaving me with my thoughts.

~

'Hey.'

I lifted my head up, with a great effort to my stomach. Ori was smiling at me, a towel slung over his arm.

'Neit found the bathrooms. I think I need a shower. Wanna come? I need you to cut my hair.' He waggled a pair of scissors in my face.

I grinned and nodded, pushing my dilemma to the back of my mind. I was finding it easier and easier to do that. I took Ori's hand and balanced on it to help myself off the table. He handed me another towel.

'Thought you might like one too, not implying that you smell,' he grinned.

I pretended to look really hurt, then kissed his cheek, his hair tickling my nose. I snatched the scissors from him, grabbing his hand and dragging him out of the room. We made our way down to the room about which Draco had told Ori. Faded gold letters stamped onto a wooden plaque on the door read 'Prefects' Bathroom - private'. Ori pushed the door wide, listening briefly into the room before shutting it and sliding the bolts across.

'No disturbances,' he murmured, kissing my collarbone.

I laughed, shivering with pleasure, but pushing him gently away.

'Wash, you stinky boy,' I told him, putting my towel down on a wooden slatted seat and sitting down beside it to sniff the various bubble-baths. Ori waved to me, walking into a room at the far end, up a small step and out of sight. I heard the sound of running water, and sat back to look around.

The floor was tiled with marble, polished to an unearthly shine. A bath the size of a swimming pool was sunk into the floor, empty now, with a wide rim about two feet under the water level on which to sit. A mural of a pond filled with lilies and surrounded by weeping willows covered the wall opposite the door, and benches, where I sat, ran along the wall to the right of the door. The shower room entrance was opposite me. I didn't have to wait long for Ori to come out, a white towel wrapped around his waist and his tanned skin glistening. His hair was pasted to his forehead and cheekbones like dark water running down his face. He came over to me and, holding his wet body away from me, kissed my lips. He tasted like soap and fruit. I created a comb in my hands, sitting him on the edge of the empty bath and standing behind him.

I began combing through his hair as he talked to me about various things. I nodded and 'mm'ed occasionally, letting his voice wash over me. Was I bored of him? Was it really worth bothering with? Should I really be thinking about my love life at a time like this? Still, Draco throbbed equally in my mind. I rubbed Ori's hair dry with a towel, deciding to wait and see. I began to snip at his hair, taking off about an inch, leaving enough to look all right. I spent a while on it, listening to his voice without really thinking what he said.

Maybe it's torture, being with someone you love so much. That's why I was scared of Draco; of being with Draco. I could keep trying to run away from him, but it burned at my soul when I wasn't with him; even still, it burned at my skin when I was with him. Every time we touched I felt a rushing, scorching flutter under my skin. It couldn't be avoided.

When I was done with Ori's hair, a shorter time than I thought it would take, my arms and back were aching. He stood up and kissed me gently. I couldn't respond, not when I hadn't decided what I felt. He stepped back, looking a little uncertain.

'Do you want me to wait here for you?' he asked, touching my cheek with his rough hand. I leaned into it, looking up into his eyes. He smiled, like he always did when I did that. His weather-beaten, tanned skin crinkled slightly around his eyes, the light shining into them just so, so that the blue shone and the brown glowed. His damp hair coiled slightly over his face. I hadn't had the heart to make it too much shorter. His lips were soft and slightly plumper than usual from the water in the shower. I wanted to reach out and kiss him and want to kiss him, and know that I would always want to kiss him and not someone else. It would be so very simple.

'I wish I could love you,' I breathed. I started, not realising that I had said it until it was too late. 'Forever,' I added sharply, but I could see that the damage was done.

'What do you mean?' he asked, choked. 'You don't love me?'

I shook my head, trying to deny it but not finding the words.

'I do. I do.'

His face hardened, the vulnerability in his eyes armoured.

'You said that you wished you could. You mean that you can't?'

'I don't know anymore!' I wailed. 'I don't know! I try to tell myself that I love you because it would make it all so simple! I could love you and be with you and nothing would matter! I wouldn't have to worry about being alone, ever, but I don't even know how I feel!'

'Why do things have to be simple? It could be complicated. Can't we just be together?' He swallowed. 'We could work it out. I'd do anything for you.'

I couldn't answer, because I had nothing to say.

'Is this it, then?' Ori asked, squinting slightly.

I shook my head, coughing through tears, which locked my throat. 'I don't want to be without you.'

'You should have thought about that.'

'I know I should. I never meant to say that...' But that just sounded like I was keeping it from him. 'I mean -'

'What I don't know can't hurt me, right?' he drawled. 'Well that's just peachy. Look Rae, a few words of good advice. It doesn't do to lead people around by the nose. If you didn't love me - don't love me - then tell me. Don 't get me all hyped up on dreams.'

He turned to walk out but, anguished and with tears pouring down my face, I grabbed at his arm.

'Ori, please!'

'Rae, you may be pretty - beautiful, even - but that doesn't mean that you can have anyone you want and discard them like rotten fruit. It doesn't work that way. Soon, you'll work it out. You may eat your way through half of the male population of this world, but nothing will last until you learn that feelings are like glass.'

He slammed the door behind him, walking out into the hallway. I dropped to my knees, shooting pains up my thighs from the hard floor, but I didn't care.

'But I do know that. I do.' I coughed, and more tears ran silent and unchecked down my cheeks.

~

'I guess it's quite a long way to Nottingham, huh?' I said, squinting back at the castle as we stood outside the gates, waiting for Neit and Adura.

'Yeah. It's about half way down the country,' Raven answered, turning as the two girls came running out of the gate and slamming it behind them.

I turned, shifting my flying jacket on my shoulders and hooking my pack up on both. My feet settled into the grooves in the soles of my boots as I started to walk, a little ahead of our motley crew, across the plains. We were in silence, mostly, except for the swishing of that ocean of knee-high grass undulating in the wind. My hair stirred around my face, a cool breeze sifting lightly down my shirt, cooling my skin. There was the scent of fresh grass on the air, and the dusty end of winter. I could smell rain in the distance, tinting the horizon with a finger-smudge of coal. The rim of mountains around us and the forest on the other side of Hogwarts pulled the wind gently down to us, but the clouds overhead scudded fast through the green-blue sky, their shadows racing across the uneven earth like ghosts. I squinted against the bright late winter sun, hooking my thumbs in the straps of my pack and gazing up at the sky.

When I brought my head down, we seemed to have got nowhere. My neck ached slightly and my head felt light, so I shook it to restore the blood flow. Everyone was fanned out behind me. No one was talking at all. The grass wrapped like hungry vines around my ankles, snaring me and making it harder to walk. Everything seemed to be sort of grey and seen through smoked glass, but at the same time, clearer than it had ever been. My stomach was churning again, as it had taken to doing all the time in those days.

'I know it's hard work, darling.'

'Oh, mum. I don't know what I'm going to do,' I said, although I couldn't tell you now if I said it out loud or not, as I don't know the answer myself.

'I trust you, my love. You can help them. You were born to save the world,' she smiled. 'All mothers know that their children are special, but you have something to do that will make me more proud than ever. You're going to save the world.' She sighed. 'I only wish I could be here properly to see it.'

'What do you mean?' I asked, anguish bubbling inside me.

'Oh, Meg,' she laughed, tossing her hair back behind her thin shoulders. 'I know I'm dead. I saw my body. I've been with you, really. I couldn't leave you, my love. I know everything that's happened to you. I had to use some of your strength to show myself to you, but that's okay, isn't it?'

I nodded, almost speechless. 'Of - of course. I was so worried that I was going insane. I'm not going insane am I?'

'I couldn't tell you, because you couldn't trust what I said, if you really were mad, but whether or not I'm real, I love you. Daddy loves you too, no matter what he says. He was just so surprised to see you, I think. We both thought you were dead when we were last together, before I found you. I was so glad to see -'

She flickered, light bursting through her chest, then curling out like burnt paper to reveal the horizon and the scudding clouds. I felt weak and drained, sad, sick. I wanted to lie down on the ground and curl up into a ball. Then, at least, I wouldn't have to keep walking. My knees were quaking and the bile was rising in my throat. My eyes shivered, taking in everything in 32 bit true colour. It all fuzzed around the edges, and I could feel the nausea stealing up the back of my spine like cold fingers. I closed my eyes, swallowing and drawing a cloak of determination around me. My tongue seemed to fill my mouth, but I clenched my teeth and held my breath until the horrible sickening passed.

~

We picked our way across that plain to the ridgeline, where we stopped and sat down on some rocks. Still, no one spoke, but the rain creeping over the horizon was gathering, darkening the sky and clawing at the luminous grey, dragging the sunlight into its grasp. Pattering drops began to splatter over our hands, then faces, as Neit knelt on the ground, trying to make a fire.

'Suffigium,' Raven murmured. 'Tegmen.' She waved her hand, and a network of glowing red lines shot up from a circle she drew on the ground with her fingernail. They melded at the top, forming a dome and sealing tight, shimmering into khaki cloth. The rain began to rattle against the waterproof shelter as a brief roll of thunder cracked above. It didn't happen again, but the rain grew stronger,

'Aridus,' I said, pointing to the ground, visualising Raven's circle. There was a shimmering over the ground, and all of us inside the tent. The purple-blue light dispersed, lifting the water from our clothes and hair and dragging it out of the air with a lightning flicker. The rocks were transfigured into sleeping bags and everyone crawled into one for the night, somehow managing to face away from everyone else in the shelter. The rain thundered louder, dropping to a soothing tone without changing volume at all. My mind accepted it slowly as a factor of sleeping on this cold hard ground. A stone dug into my shoulder, and I longed for ... Draco's arms around me. When I closed my eyes, I could smell his skin and feel his hair against my face. My arms felt distinctly empty without him, so I wrapped them tightly around me. I heard someone shifting behind me and lost the thought for a moment, but the scent returned.

Then I felt soft lips against the back of my neck, sending a shiver down my spine. The smell of alcohol, lime and pepper filled my nose and soft hair like platinum silk tickled my jaw. I rolled over and into his arms, burying my face in his shoulder.