Hunting For The Sun

CHAPTER THIRTY ONE

Do you?

He was on a roll. I could tell. He kept skipping and saluting people we passed. I was blushing and walking a good way behind him.

'Draco,' I kept hissing. 'Draco, calm down...'

But naturally, he proceeded to ignore me totally and danced his way to the ward in the North Wing of the Temple.

'Rat a tat, tat,' he bellowed, knocking sharply on the door. There were sounds of shock and anger from inside. There was a brief conference before the door opened very slightly.

Raven's face appeared in the doorway, looking rather alarming with her pitch-black eyeliner and glossy black lips. Her hair fell around her ears, framing her face with its ebony velvet curtain.

'What do you want?' she asked silkily.

'I want you to translate something for me,' he said proudly. Raven glanced behind her, still blocking the view into the room with her body.

'Fine, give me a minute.'

Draco grinned and stepped away, waiting for her to finish up. Soon, she came out of the door, wiping her hands on her robes. She shut it close behind her, not allowing us one glimpse into the room.

'What is it?' she asked suspiciously. 'You look positively jovial. Found a way to conquer the world without getting off your tight, firmly toned backside?'

'Ah, if only,' Draco sighed wistfully. 'No, the reality is far more boring. I need you to translate a counter-curse.'

'Why?' she asked. 'You speak almost all the languages I do.'

'Almost,' Draco reminded her. 'Not Gaelic.'

'You speak Gaelic,' she scoffed, managing to make it sound like a bad thing. Raven had a habit of that, I'd noticed.

'I kind of gave up,' he mumbled, looking at the ceiling with his hands in his pockets like a chided schoolboy. 'But that isn't the point. I need you to translate this for me.' He shoved the sheet roughly into her hands.

She frowned, scanning the sheet with her garnet eyes. 'Couldn't be much harder, could it?' she grumbled. 'I'll need a while with this.'

All the same, she looked interested. A little skip of hope ran through my chest.

'What kind of counter-curse?' she asked, leading us down the hallway to the stairs leading up to her tower room.

'Anti love-spell,' Draco told her, striding along easily at her pace. I, however, had to jog to keep up with the lanky pair.

'Ah,' she said knowingly. 'I knew it would all fall apart on you one day.' She seemed more than a little triumphant. I supposed that a wager may have been resting on this.

Draco shrugged. 'Not yet.'

She raised an eyebrow, a smile tugging at the corners of her glossy black lips. 'Matter of opinion, I see,' she smirked.

Draco made a face behind her back as she walked on.

'Don't make faces at me, Draco darling,' she said, not turning around. 'You'll get wrinkles.'

Draco scowled mutinously, poked his tongue out one last time, and resumed a straight face. He trailed back a little to talk to me.

'But you see, wrinkles can be charmed off the second you get them. The pleasure of making faces at Raven behind her back is ever lasting.'

I laughed, then dragged my face straight again.

'I won't do it if you don't shut up,' Raven sang. Draco shut up.

I, however, wasn't nearly so happy about it as Draco was. As the moment drew nearer, the prospect of losing him seemed far too much to bear. I dragged my feet and willed everything to be right. Why did I have to explode about it? I was perfectly happy like this. It didn't really matter if it was true or not. Hell, life's like that sometimes. We all just have to live with it ...

But I knew that it was one thing I couldn't do. I don't like to live with things. I like to cure the itch the moment I begin to suffer. I had lasted long enough on a sort of false joviality - surviving only by keeping so busy. I had barely sat down since I found out. That must have held the thought at a satisfactory distance.

So now it was here to haunt me. I had just bounced my backside on the first cushion it had figuratively encountered for months and now I was leaping to my feet again.

Draco held the door open for Raven and I out onto the small gallery which ran around the outside of the tower, housing the stairs. I could hear him walking behind me as I mounted the steps and I savoured the feeling that I still had him - for now. It never struck me that maybe I wouldn't want him after this spell was done. I didn't even consider that. It was totally incomprehensible, not something I could even imagine.

Raven pushed the door and entered her tower, smiling. She crossed immediately to her desk and sat down, leaning over the book. I embraced Draco fiercely.

'Promise you won't leave me,' I whispered into his shoulder, trying to stop tears from coming to my eyes.

'I can't promise you that, just as I can't promise you the stars or that the sun will come up tomorrow. I can't say. It's out of my hands,' he said softly.

That wasn't what I wanted to hear. Nothing like what I wanted to hear. I opened and closed my mouth several times like a guppy.

'But I couldn't live without you,' I said, anguished.

'How do you know?' he asked tonelessly. 'You might not want me either after this.'

I gaped slightly. That wouldn't happen. That couldn't happen.

'Alright,' Raven started. 'You have to face each other, palm to palm.' I dragged myself reluctantly away from him.

Draco walked into the centre of the room. He held out his hands to me and I pressed mine against them. My fingers looked so small compared to his. I took a long look at him, preparing myself to never see him the same way ever again. I swallowed a lump of sadness in my throat and tried to drink in every last bit of him. Every little curve of his face; every strand of his silken blond hair; every fleck of charcoal in his silver eyes, and every line of his body. Raven muttered a word and the dome of glass above our heads began to glow, bathing us in a pure golden light.

'It's a fairly simple spell,' she said finally. 'No other components but you guys.' Maybe I wanted other parts to it. Maybe I wanted longer to revel in him. I wanted longer to have him by my side, like a child with a teddy bear.

I swallowed hard, my heart thumping and body shaking. I had a definite urge to up and run away.

Raven began to chant softly. Nothing was happening. The chant built up slightly, and I could feel a light wind swirling around the room. It lifted the luxurious strands of Draco's hair around his face. My own hair was far too long, but the wispy locks around my face floated up daintily. Sparks of purest white started to dance around our feet, rising up until there was a proper wind going on. My clothes were getting pulled about and I was being shoved by this stupid gale. Raven had to shout over the noise and the whole thing became chaos.

Then the pain started. And it bloody hurt. Every single cell of my body was being torn open and purged of the spell. I was being shredded all at once. Through the hurricane of white sparks, I could see Draco clenching his teeth. I wondered who was screaming in pain, then realised it was me. But the pain was certainly enough for it. Lightning was flaring from between Draco's and my palms, burning my skin and tearing at my soul.

I wailed in agony, wanting to pull away from Draco and end all this. Make it all stop. This wasn't right. Love-spells may not be natural, but it didn't hurt like this. This was wrong. I knew there had to be some end, but some bloody great train was blocking the tunnel. This had to be wrong. If love-spells were meant to be wrong, well, a little sin never hurt anyone. Hell was earth, and earth wasn't too bad.

Then the wind stopped abruptly. I fell back, crashing to the ground. My head thwacked against the floor and black circles ringed in front of my eyes. Little sparks settled on me like snow. My head was throbbing and searing and my whole body tingled sharply as it worked its way back together again.

But something was missing. My mind paused, unable to continue sorting through it all. Something wasn't there. A bit of the puzzle had fallen out of the box.

Can't go on. Something wrong.

I couldn't place it really, but I knew what I was meant to have lost. I raised myself onto my elbows to look across at him. He sat cross-legged, head folded over and held in his hands so that his hair fell in the way and I couldn't see his face.

'Draco?' I whispered through parched lips.

'No,' he groaned, looking up at me.

I was taken aback. How did he look so different? I mean, I recognised him, but his face ... I could see what other people were scared of. I had never been scared of him, but now I could see it. His eyes weren't silver; they were the colour of knives. His jaw wasn't carved; it was chiselled and sharp. His cheekbones made him haughty and arrogant.

But he was still beautiful. Still painfully beautiful, but cruel too. When he looked at me, he started slightly. He looked closer. I couldn't help but wonder what he saw. If he saw me, as beautiful as he had said I was. Or me. The real me. The serviceably-pretty-but-nothing-special me with the straight hair and freckles and a long nose. The me with a pointed chin and dark eyebrows. The one he didn't love.

'Have I changed?' I asked softly, not knowing how else to word it.

He just looked away.

He was an angel to me still. But now, he was a fallen angel. Like me. Like they had said I was. He was joining me in what I was meant to be and I rejoiced. I wanted him more than ever. But he ... He couldn't even look at me.

My face crumpled in a mask of pure, unadulterated despair. My mouth widened in pain and I slapped a hand over it before it got too cavernous. My eyeballs were burning as scorching tears pounded their way down onto my cheeks and onwards. He closed his eyes and looked at the floor.

I leapt to my feet and ran from the room. I ran as hard as I could, not bothering to disguise the wails of pain that tumbled from my trembling lips.

'Rae!' I heard his voice behind me. I shook my head, gibbering madly, and ran faster. I slammed into several walls; sending shooting pains up my forearm to nestle in my elbow. I didn't care.

I ran all the way down the building, diving through doors and tripping along stairways, following an imprinted pattern to my rooms. I couldn't stop moving. I had to get away from him.

He doesn't love me. He never loved me. He doesn't love me. It was all some lie. I'm disgusting. Ugly. Foul. Why did I ever think a guy like him would like a girl like me? He's ten years older than I am. He's rich and handsome and powerful. He's a Death Eater Lord. I'm some poor, ugly sewer rebel. Why did I even kid myself? I'm just a child. Stupid stupid stupid stupid.

I slammed doors forcefully behind me and found myself in my room. I spun and locked the door behind me before throwing myself on the bed. I knew I was a faster runner than Draco was, but he caught up with me eventually. I could hear him shouting my name and hammering on the door. Why does he even want to get in? Why does he even bother? He can't console me and he shouldn't even try. I know now. I know the truth.

'Go away!' I choked into the pillow. I couldn't look at him. If anything, he was more amazing than before. Like a marble statue on a pillar: beautiful, but cold and untouchable. Beyond my reach in a way I couldn't - wouldn't - comprehend.

I heard him say something like 'Right that's it.' Then there was silence before a horrifically loud crunching. The door, relieved of its hinges, crashed to the stone floor. Draco marched over it; his face ashen and hair messed up. I felt a tingle run down my spine. You can't want him now. You can't have him. You're stupid and pointless - just like you always were.

'Rae, why are you running away from me?' he demanded. Why do you bloody think? I couldn't believe that he really didn't know.

'I can't look at you,' I said truthfully, burying my face in the pillow. I wanted him to go. Wasn't I horrid enough already? Hadn't he rubbed it in deep enough yet? Why was he even here? Somehow, the pain of reminding myself of all this was relieving and the tears running down my face were beautiful and crystalline.

'Rae...'

'Draco, don't. I know you hate me. Hell, it was fun while it lasted, but all good things must come to an end. Just leave me alone. Stop rubbing it in,' I said tearfully, looking up at him. I had to blink. I couldn't maintain a gaze at him like this.

He said nothing. I knew it. My throat rose forcefully, throwing me back over onto the pillows. Why me? Why did I have to like him still? It would have been so simple for me to just find that he was nothing like how I'd thought and it was all a mistake. But loving him was too deep a part of me to release. I couldn't even imagine me not loving him. I suppose the hate which had burned in me all my life had been resolved into a love more fierce, dark and deadly. It was an even more sour taste in my mouth than the bitter hatred.

'I don't hate you,' he said softly. 'I don't. I never wanted ... This is beyond me. It's not my fault.'

'Draco! It's all your fault! All you and your stupid spell!' I spat, raising my ravaged face to glare at him from red eyes. 'If you hadn't have cast it, none of this would have happened!'

'I had to do what I did,' he said harshly, his determination to be reasonable just fading in the face of insults. 'And anyway, don't pretend like you didn't enjoy it.'

'Oh sure,' I retorted unpleasantly. 'Like I enjoyed being taken advantage of by someone ten years older than me. Some pervert who just wanted something that was usually out of his reach.'

'Like I enjoyed breaking you in,' he sneered. 'Have you any idea how tiresome that is? Some men may rave about virgins, but Gods. I'm not one of them.'

'I had to put up with your vain attitude and self-obsession all this time,' I snapped, wrapping up the pain his words caused and flinging them back.

'I had to put up with you,' he replied simply. I didn't want to shout at him. I wanted to kiss him. I wanted to be close to him.

'Free sex and admiration?' I asked incredulously. 'Like that was ever a burden to you!'

'I could have had anyone I wanted,' he hissed. 'But to make sure I didn't die, you had to be the one I put up with. I had to tread the over-worn trail of monogamy for someone I didn't even know let alone like. '

'I had a load of boyfriends back in the sewer,' I replied, losing and knowing it.

'And I had loads of girlfriends and contact numbers for very good young ladies before I had to sit tight and careful for your sake,' he spat.

'You think I'm pleased with what happened?' I yelled. 'You think that I didn't feel all that leave me and think how sick it was that I let you ... I let you be with me? You think I don't feel dirty?'

'I never said you were pleased,' he murmured. 'I had to have you with me so that I wouldn't die. You know that if you get killed, the prophecy will bring you back on my life? I will die, if anything happens to you. That's what I'm here for. I had to keep you near me so that I wouldn't get hurt.'

'I didn't want any of this,' I snapped, on a roll. 'I wanted it less than you did. I wanted to kill you. Hell, I did kill you! You just wouldn't bloody stay dead!'

'Yes, and I used you to come back,' he said lightly, smirking nastily. 'How i-ronic. Just like you would have used me.'

'I wish you hadn't!' I bellowed. 'And it wouldn't have been by choice! My god, if I had to come back and look at your godawful face again...'

But it wasn't true. I knew it wasn't true. So did he. He could see it in my eyes, and he smiled. The same smile a snake gives before it bites. Lies, lies, lies, lies, lies, lies, lies, lies...

'Whether or not I ever wanted you,' he said slowly, deliberately, 'I don't understand why I did.'

With that, he turned and walked out, leaving the door lying on the ground and me. Me with my eyes all red and tears streaked down my face. Me wishing I was someone else. Me wishing I was dead and could wake to see his face over me. His face that couldn't speak. His face that couldn't burn me like this. His face that was dead and my last chance, so that I could sink beyond oblivion again without any cares. I could go to a place where fire burned constantly and the shrieks of the dead taunted me.

That would be heaven for me, just so long as I couldn't feel this pain.