Feelings of the Heart

He walked around the corner and there she was, leaning against the wall, chatting away to Sirius as though there was nothing wrong, but when she attempted a smile he could see the smile didn't quite reach her eyes.

He had not been prepared for this chance encounter and it came as a shock, seeing her after not having the chance to prepare himself for it.

She looked over all of a sudden, as if sensing his presence, and met his gaze. He smiled weakly but a pained expression passed over her face and he lowered his gaze, feeling a wave of disappointment when she simply looked away.

He could read her like an open book, he always had been able to and so he knew that she was mad. He had also noticed that the usual sparkle in her eyes was missing and all he could see was sadness and the faint trace of tears on her face, even from this distance.

He was so ashamed of the pain he was causing her but it was the only way he could escape hurting her later on. He could tell that she did not want him to see her upset and that was when he knew.

Looking at her stood in front of him, he knew. He knew that he loved her with all his heart but he did not wish to hurt her. He did not want to cause her more pain than he already had. He had tried not to fall for her but he had and he'd fallen hard, and now he was paying for it. He knew he should never have let her get so close to him, or him to her for that matter, because now both of them were hurting. He had worked hard to try and block out these feelings but seeing her there so unexpectedly, they all came rushing back and he realised he could fall again. That being with her was what made him happiest and he couldn't deny it. Maybe the reason he couldn't get her out of his head was because she was simply supposed to be there. He knew, now, that he loved her and he knew that he had to walk away to stop himself falling for her once again, so that he would not hurt her any more.

Looking at her again he turned and walked away, wondering if he would ever be able to make up for the pain he had caused her.

*

Hayley looked away from Sirius as she sensed someone looking at her. She looked down the corridor to see Remus standing there staring at her with the saddest expression on his face. She did her best to feel nothing, failed miserably, but felt slightly better for the attempt all the same.

She turned round to carry on her conversation with Sirius, not wanting Remus to see how badly he was hurting her and praying that he would not be able to tell she had only recently stopped crying.

Out of the corner of her eye she saw him turn and walk away. Another missed opportunity, another chance at fixing all the things that had gone wrong walked away from her. Her eyes welled up with tears she refused to shed. If just seeing him fifty feet away was painful, she was dreading facing him in the common room later that evening. Maybe she would spend the night in her own common room instead. Glad for the first time in a while that she had been placed in Ravenclaw rather than Gryffindor, with the rest of her friends. She turned back to Sirius, trying to put on a brave face.

They had met in their fifth year and hit it off ever since. He was like her surrogate big brother and after two years of intense friendship Sirius easily saw through the mask she was trying to wear. He hugged her and she hugged him back gratefully before taking a step back.

***

It was late one night the previous week and Hayley had been in the Gryffindor common room with her friends and the Marauders. She had a test the next day and thought that being up all night messing around with her friends was not the best of ideas. She stood up.

"I'm going to head back to my dorm, guys. It's getting late and I can't have you lot keeping me up all night," she explained to them.

It had become a habit for one of the Marauders to walk her back as it was becoming more dangerous because of the Slytherins prowling the corridors. Not that she wasn't capable of looking after herself, the guys were just overprotective, so to save them the trouble she often stayed in the Gryffindor dormitory with the rest of the girls.

"I'll walk you back," said Remus, jumping up and she smiled, having grown accustomed to his company of late. The two of them seemed to be growing closer than before.

Remus picked up the invisibility cloak in case of an emergency and they left together, chatting happily. They continued in this way for some time, both had their wands out at the ready, Remus' was pointed straight ahead whereas Hayley was twirling her own around her fingers, that was until she dropped it.

Hayley stopped and stooped down to pick up her wand, not realising Remus had done the same. They both reached for it and their hands brushed, theirs eyes met and an odd silence ensued. Remus let go of the wand and they both stood up together. Hayley looked back into his eyes, he was a whole head taller than her.

The corridor was eerily quiet until Hayley broke the silence. "You needn't have bothered to walk me back you know. I'm quite capable of looking after myself. It's late and it's out of your way. I keep telling you that you shouldn't bother," she babbled quickly, to cover up the silence she was beginning to find uncomfortable.

She lowered her gaze to look at her feet but her head snapped upwards again when he answered her back. "I know you can look after yourself. Has it never crossed your mind that I might just enjoy your company?"

His gaze met hers and she tried to look away but he put his hand to her face, making her meet his gaze. He's going to kiss me she thought, and hoped he would. Things had been nice between them lately.

He was still just looking at her.

*

He was about to kiss her. He knew it. She looked gorgeous in the faded light, her pale blue eyes glittering in the wand light sent a pang through his stomach. He had been feeling this a lot lately, at every little thing she did, her smile, her laugh. He loved it all.

He cut himself off. What was he saying? He knew that as soon as things became serious he would have to tell her, and what if she didn't like what she heard? What if she didn't like him at all? He felt nervous all of a sudden and his hands grew slightly clammy. If I kiss her now, things become serious, and then when I tell her, it will only make things worse. I don't think I can do this to her. Put her through so much trouble. I can't bring myself to hurt her. She deserves better than this.

He dropped his hand from the side of her face. "Hayley, I... " But he stopped. He didn't know what to say. There was no way he could explain it without telling her. He did not want to see the look of disgust on her face that he so often received. He would sooner be a friend, than nothing at all.

She swallowed. "I'll be okay from here, " she whispered, not quit meeting his gaze. He was not sure what was wrong, but he knew it wasn't right. Hayley wanted to take the chance to think a little on her own, before facing the people in her common room.

"You sure?" he asked, though not sure he'd be able to continue walking her back anyway. He was scared of what might be said.

She simply nodded in return and walks the rest of the way down the corridor. She could feel his gaze on her back the whole way but as she reached the corner she saw, out of the corner of her eye, him turn and walk away, back towards his own common room.

Remus pretended to turn away. He wouldn't let her know it, but there was no way on earth that he would let her walk back on her own. He swung the invisibility cloak over himself and followed her down the corridors, not making a sound.

He was almost upon her when she stopped. She took a deep breath and he watched her angrily brush away her tears. He turned away, not wanting to see the pain he was already causing yet trying so hard to avoid. He knew he had made the right decision. He heard her mutter the password and as she disappeared out of sight he started the slow walk back to the Gryffindor common room. He had a feeling things wouldn't quite be the same.

He was right to a certain degree, but he had not anticipated this. It was hell.

***

"Remus hates me," Hayley stated, returning to the present. Sirius looked at Hayley, shocked by the sudden outburst. He wasn't sure what had happened between the two of them, but he knew it was serious. Neither of the pair were their usual selves. It was putting a dampener on things, so much so that even Peter had picked up on the tense atmosphere.

"Of course he doesn't hate you," Sirius replied, still in shock at the strength of Hayley's conviction, if an obvious misunderstanding.

She blushed, Sirius noticed, a faint tinge of red colouring her cheeks. "Then why wouldn't he kiss me?" she added, much more quietly.

"He wouldn't?" asked Sirius, who was clearly confused but doing his best to hide it. It was fairly obvious to him, and everyone else, that Moony liked Hayley. He watched her shake her head, trying to hold back her tears once again.

Hayley looked up at Sirius to see the love and concern in his face, which seemed only to make things worse. A single tear rolled down her face. "I think I love him, Sirius," she whispered miserably. All of sudden she broke into floods of tears. Saying aloud what she felt had only made her feel worse, as though the situation was suddenly more real.

Sirius pulled her into a tight hug once more, only slightly unnerved by the tears. He did not like to see her hurt and silently vowed to have words with the equally smitten Moony. Sirius would put things right again and things would go back to how they were meant to be.