Blurry

Blurry

"...Preoccupied without you
I cannot live at all
my whole world surrounds you
I stumble and I crawl

And you could be my someone
you can be my scene
you know that I'll protect you
from all of the obscene
I wonder what your doing
imagine where you are
there's oceans in between us
but that's not very far..."

Sirius huffed angrily back up to the Gryffindor Commons Room. He and Remus had just gotten into another petty fight and he wanted nothing more than to retreat to the confines of his room. They fought constantly from why Gryffindor should not have won the last Quidditch match to why Potions was actually an enjoyable class due to Snape's presence. He was angry and frustrated when people were around but in all honesty he was very torn. He was upset. He wanted to know why Remus always fought with him. Why his whole attitude seemed to change.

You know why. He told himself as he stormed through the portrait hole. He told you he'd disappear. More than lovers my ass. You knew this would happen. He scolded himself. As he walked past the fireplace he noticed the smell of burning parchment. Turning to look into the fire he saw the remains of Remus' schoolbooks. He couldn't believe it. Remus had thrown his schoolbooks into the fireplace? He burnt his schoolbooks. Why did he do that? We still have half a year... Sirius' breath caught in his throat. Remus was very emotional and somewhat suicidal. Just a year before James had to go through his trunk and take his entire dagger collection away from him. Sirius shuddered and pushed the idea from his mind. Upon closer examination he saw the corner of a photo and cringed. He burnt our pictures. He thought to himself. Now being too tired to continue the angry facade he had presented to everyone around him Sirius sat in front of the fireplace and hugged himself. His eyes began to betray him and tears slowly slid down his cheeks. Why was this happening? He began to rock back and forth, filled with turmoil about the situation. Yes, he did love Remus. Yes he thought he loved him as more than just a friend but when they had tried to prove that theory it had failed horribly. They had only lasted a few months before silence engulfed them. When they had split up both parties had been broken but they both agreed that it was for the best.

I'd rather be your friend than nothing at all. He remembered Remus saying. He wanted to find Remus, to make all this right. To fix the real problem but he didn't know what the real problem was.

**~**~**~**~**

Lily calmly finished her meal before leaving the Great Hall in search of Sirius. She wondered if he would even talk to her. Heading straight for the Gryffindor Commons Room she was quite surprised to find him seated on the floor in front of the fireplace sobbing. He had his arms wrapped around himself and was rocking back and forth. This had gone on long enough. Sitting down beside him and wrapping him in a hug she asked, "What's wrong Sirius?"

"Nothing," he said stubbornly. Lily gave him an imploring look, a look that said "I'm here to help you," and that was all it took. "It's... It's Remus," he began breathlessly. "I don't think he can stand me anymore... it pisses me off that he thinks I don't want to hang out with him anymore... it also makes me sad because it took me a long time to get him to open up to us and start making friends and I think I fucked the whole thing up."

"Maybe he just needs time to himself," Lily offered hoping Sirius would dispute her.

"No, I know him. He'll start taking different classes and making stupid excuses to be alone all the time...he'll try to disappear... I don't think I could stand it if he disappeared for good..." Sirius voice trailed off.

" Well," Lily began carefully realizing that she wasn't getting anything more from Sirius, "let him be for a little while and see what happens, maybe he won't try to disappear for good." She gave Sirius another hug before rising from her spot beside him and slowly going up to her room.

**~**~**~**~**

Sirius lay on his stomach on his bed desperately trying to concentrate on his Potions essay. It wasn't due for another two days but with his level of concentration rapidly decreasing he figured if he started now it might be done on time. He was also waiting for James to come back. He wondered where he had gone. Remus was gone as well. That scared him more than ever. He was afraid that Remus would get so upset that he would do something drastic. Shivering he returned to his Potions essay. Struggling for another five minutes he threw his quill down in frustration and put his face into his pillow. Screaming as loudly as he could he didn't hear James come in.

"Sirius, what are you doing?" he heard James ask.

"Screaming," Sirius replied sitting up.

"I can see that," James said sarcastically. He looked at Sirius again and realized that Lily hadn't gotten through to him. Sitting down on the edge of his bed he looked at Sirius with a worried expression. "You don't look so good. Are you ok?"

"No... I'm upset about Remus," Sirius admitted. "He thinks that disappearing is the answer but what he hasn't thought about is how it might affect others if he went away."

"By 'others' you mean you don't you?" James asked quietly.

"Me, you, Lily, everyone... he thinks that I don't want him around but that's not true," Sirius said taking a deep breath. James could see he was trying to hold back tears. After a moment Sirius continued. "And the strangest thing is that I find myself thinking about him all the time... which class he's studying for at the moment, if he's sitting in here by himself...I was trying to figure out what was wrong with me but I couldn't think of anything... I sent an owl to my cousin Annabelle and she thought she knew what was wrong but she refused to tell me...now I'm confused and upset. What a mess," Sirius finished.

Quietly James looked at Sirius and said, "You miss him, don't you?"

Sirius looked taken aback. "What? I don't miss ..." he paused and thought about it for a moment. "Miss him? I never thought about it that way, but even if I did he's obviously happy trying to hide from me..." Sirius' thought trailed off and he put his head down.

James smiled inwardly. This was almost too easy. "You don't really believe that do you? He misses you too," James said matter-of-factly.

"What? No, he doesn't! He'd come to someone if he was upset and he hasn't done that. I talked to Lily earlier and she didn't say anything."

James rolled his eyes. Damn stubborn those two were. "He does miss you, he just doesn't know how to approach you about it and you're both too damn stubborn to complain about anything, you know I'm right."

Sirius sat and looked at James in confusion. Suddenly, the confusion seemed to disappear and a look of defeat graced his tear-streaked face. "Ok... maybe I do miss him... but it's more than that... I'm worried that he's going to try...to try and... and hurt himself," Sirius confided, horrible images flooding his mind. "You remember last year, when we had to take his knives away because of his dad's accident? And whenever Snape gets to him...I worry about it all the time... and I don't think I could ever forgive myself if I pushed him to do that..." Just the thought of Remus hurting himself to attempt to end the pain he felt made Sirius burst into loud and heartfelt sobs. James wrapped his arms around Sirius and allowed him to cry. Personally James felt that this was something Sirius should have done a long time ago.

After a few minutes his sobs began to subside. "Shhh... it's ok..." James said soothingly. "Why don't you try talking to him? You can talk it out... you can go to the lake... something," James said. "You can make this right."

Sirius sniffed, wiped his eyes, and nodded. "You're right."

James smiled. "I know. Why don't you try to get some sleep or something? Catch Remus in the morning?" he suggested.

Again Sirius nodded. He put his potions essay away and dressed for bed. Laying there in the dark he began to wonder where Remus was.

Probably at the lake. He thought. He knew Remus went there to think and Remus probably had a lot to think about. As the hours passed Sirius got more and more worried. Visions of finding Remus dead at the lake haunted his mind. He was afraid. He was afraid that he'd never get a chance to make this right. Looking at his clock he saw that it was just before five A M. he decided that if Remus didn't show up within the next few minutes he would go look for him and damn the consequences. Slowly the minutes crept by. Sirius became anxious. Just as he was about to get out of bed and borrow James' invisibility cloak the door squeaked open and Remus entered.

"Where have you been!" he demanded in a harsh hiss.

"Thinking," was all Remus said. "Why are you still up?"

"You had me worried," Sirius said softly. "Look, I didn't mean what I said..."

"I know you didn't," Remus interrupted. Sirius remained quiet. He watched Remus turn and dress for bed.

"We still going to go get James his Christmas gift tomorrow?" Sirius asked glancing over at James to be sure he was still asleep.

Remus turned around and looked blankly at Sirius. He had forgotten all about making arrangements with Sirius before they had begun fighting about going to Hogsmeade before Christmas holiday to get James' gift. "I thought you wouldn't want to go with me," Remus said quietly.

"Are you kidding?" Sirius said with a smile. "Of course I wanted to go... I wasn't sure you'd want to go."

"So we'll go tomorrow?"

"Sure. If you're awake."

"I'll wake up. G'night Sirius," Remus said as he quietly finished changing for bed and slid beneath his blankets.

"Night Moony."

Sirius lay in bed and listened to the sounds around him. For some reason he did not allow himself to fall asleep until he hear the sounds of Remus' even breathing floating from the other side of the room. As he lay there he wondered how things could be so clear to him now. Allowing himself to smile as he rolled over in bed Sirius smiled. He was glad that James had managed to see what was wrong when things had been so blurry.