Nighttime Visit

I walk quietly along the floor, darkness surrounding me, the silence filling me like a safe that keeps me away from anything happy in this world. Even the knowledge that I don't have to live with the Dursleys or at number twelve Grimmauld Place doesn't soothe my mind, filled with worries and sorrow.

A silent tear flows down my cheek, the closest I come to reality at the moment. People say I spend too much time in isolation, others tell me I should be careful and not to throw myself into danger every time. Then there are those who don't say anything at all, those who follow me by night and day, those who think I can't take care of myself.

I stop for a second and look around, trying to make sure that nobody is following me, that nobody is watching me. I sigh in relief as I notice that I am all alone, alone with this pain and this anguish that is flooding my soul, but most of all my heart.

Have I forgotten how to love? No, I never really learnt how to. That emotion everybody is talking about, forbidding us to explore, is what I don't understand. I envy the people that were allowed to explore and feel this feeling before.

The silent tear isn't alone anymore and a second, then a third, a fourth and finally a fifth one follows. Yes, I am scared but most off all I don't want to continue with all this. I don't want to fight this war just because my name is Harry Potter, I don't want to be me anymore.

Why couldn't I have died instead of Sirius? Why can't I be just a normal person, who nobody knows about, who nobody talks about and have a normal life where I am my own boss, and am allowed to rule this life on my own?

My brain is muddled, my mind confused and I have nearly forgotten what I wanted to do.

I continue to walk and finally reach the door of my destination. Is this right? I don't know, but maybe I also don't care. For such a long time now I have been alone, alone in this dark and now I want to stop it. Want to stop this pain, want to stop feeling weak and most off all I want to learn how it feels to be loved.

I screw up my courage and as quietly as possible open the door. Moonlight is filling the room, my eyes scan it until they fall on the man lying on the bed there in front of me. As quietly as I opened it, I close the door and as my eyes fall upon the other man again, I take a shocked step back as I see his eyes gazing upon me and a small smile curving his mouth.

Lying on his side he lifts up the blanket a little, gesturing me to lie down next to him. At first I don't know what to do, I suddenly feel so small and timid not really knowing what to do. Without thinking, I take small timid steps towards the bed until I suddenly find myself on his bed next to him, under the blanket and in his arms.

I suddenly don't feel so vulnerable anymore, but safety and comfort invade my senses, like the warm blanket that is covering us two. But maybe it also comes from his hand, which is stroking along my back in a comforting rhythm that makes me melt.

I don't dare to move and only close my eyes, scared that he may stop those reassuring caresses. I don't know what to do as I suddenly feel his hand slip inside my pants and softly move over my buttocks, so lightly that I can hardly feel it.

Could it be true that he feels the same way I do?

My thoughts are suddenly erased as I feel his hand, which only a moment ago had been on my back, now on my face, tracing soft patterns on it. His finger trails first across my eyebrows, then down my nose, across my closed eyelids, along my cheek and then... then they are tenderly touching my lips.

A shiver runs down my spine as he continues to touch my lips. What is this I am suddenly feeling? So much, so much is whirling through my mind and most of all happiness.

I can't think properly anymore as I suddenly feel his lips upon mine, kissing me. I respond to the kiss, not really knowing how. But I guess it can't be too bad as he doesn't stop and only encourages me as I feel his tongue licking my lips. I open my lips slightly, letting him explore my mouth.

As we part, I open my eyes looking into amber eyes that shine with love and devotion, and my heart jumps at the realization the I finally won't be alone anymore, and I smile as I can feel this new sensation filling me up from inside, making me feel, making me feel whole.

I rest my head on his chest, letting his heart lull me to sleep. Neither of us say a word. Words aren't needed, this feeling already says enough.