I Know

I Know

Shadows of what your life used to be, keep surfacing every now and then. The flicker of disgust at what you've become shows how proud you once were. I notice how you look at yourself in the mirror everyday practicing your once so perfect sneer. But all this doesn't matter anymore your life was left behind when you decided to stay with me. You say that you love me and what you are now is what you chose to be. Don't think I don't know that every night you wish to wake up in your old bed in your old home. If I leave you, you won't go back to your previous life. Pride no matter where the bearer goes will tag along for the ride. You won't admit that you made the wrong choice that the simpleness in which we live is too bland for you. I'll make sure that before I close this door that once it shuts your wings once bound will become free to open and your soul can once again soar free. I know that what we are cannot last while you're trapped in this world which you despise so much.

Well that would be something that I would like to do but how can I leave you here when I'm so sure that you'll stay anyway. I could tell your mother where you are, I'm sure that she would be able to convince you to come back to the place where you belong. The parties and the social gatherings would entice you. The silk sheets and rich clothes would hook you, and the people with their flawless lives will pull you back. So why don't I? I know that she will come and then you will leave, I'm ready to send the owl. But of course I don't want to lose you, ha! You're the one that I sleep with each night, this life is my perfect life, and this is what I have dreamed of ever since I was able to form my own thoughts. So I can either be self sacrificing and inform your mother or I can be selfish and keep you here.

But love makes people hurt when they see the one they love in pain. I know that in a year the fights will become more frequent and the sex rougher like we're trying to prove something. Ending it now will make it seem more fairy-tale like; the lovers give up what they both desired so much to make sure it remains a crystal ball memory.

So once I set the owl free with the little note attached, I finish packing my things. I couldn't live in this place without you, the lingering smells and memories would drive me insane. You will come home tonight to an unlit house and an empty feeling will settle upon you. You will race around the house calling my name, desperate to find something from me, a note, a number anything. I will leave you nothing but your glass dragon that you had given me, left lying on the middle of our bed. Your mother will show up to find you on the floor no tears on your face but the unmistakable anguish showing. She will not say anything, packing your things leaving all the cheap things in their poorly designed places. She will pick up the dragon from your lap and throw it to the back of the fire that you had managed to set. You will look up at her with the sound of shattering glass echoing in the room and still no words will be spoken, a silent understanding will be acknowledged and you will rise and fix your clothes. You will walk over to the mirror and make sure you look impeccable for the reunion with your father. You will draw a deep breath look around and then put your hand in your mothers waiting one. Then you will disappear.

I know all this before I shut the door, not knowing where I will go but knowing that I will not see you for a long time. When I do it will be with contempt in your eyes that you show me and your sneer perfected once again plastered on your face. I will smile and nod then walk away, still knowing that I made the right decision.

When I get to where I will stay I can envision your reunion with your father, unlike with your mother, words will be spoken, a heated argument but no physical contact. Your father will storm out of the room and leave the house not to return until the next day. He will be calmer then, he will reach out his hand and you will take it. Now once again a Malfoy with all the respect the name entails. Your relationship with your father is a very thin one; he doesn't understand you and your choices and ignores you most of the time. Your mother tries to introduce you to the most eligible witches that can give you everything you need but you will always deny her the confirmation she yearns for. You live it up at hotels and get whomever it is you want, never to be denied what you want, no matter how much you abuse your position as the Malfoy heir.

Occasionally we will meet and each time I will walk away because I know that this life is better for you. Your mother will finally get you to marry some French heiress and you will be perfection at the wedding. To the wizarding world your marriage will look happy and like you are so much in love, but inside you will be screaming for release. Your wife will let you fulfil your sexual needs outside of the marriage bonds as long as you give her an heir. You are now 25 and have settled into the relaxing lifestyle of the rich. Your wife will throw parties and spend large amounts of money on the new child that you have sired. It will be a boy another exact copy of a Malfoy heir, the silver blond hair and silver grey eyes will sink into the very souls of the people visiting you.

Soon you find out that your father is dying and he will ask you only one thing before he dies, and of course that will be to become what he always wanted you to be, a Death Eater. You remind him that the war is over and that Voldemort is no longer alive but your father is adamant he wants to be able to die knowing his son is not the failure he always believed you were. Breathing his last breath you agree to him, clasping his hand. You watch the flare fade from his eyes and you feel no pain or sadness. A Malfoy molded to feel no more than the pleasures of physical contact. The funeral is a huge event; everyone who even heard of your father will arrive to pay their respects even if they despised him. I will not show up of course, I will not mourn him or even think of the pain you will be in.

Years pass and you have another child a girl, looks nothing like you, black hair and green eyes, they will haunt you whenever you look at her. You end up sending her away, a boarding school where she will be brought up in the ways of high society beauties.

It is then when your wife leaves you for another wizard that you realize that leaving the apartment was a mistake. Letting your mother take you away from where you belonged, getting married to women who you never cared about and having the children that you have nothing to do with, all these things pound in your head making you want to scream.

You leave Malfoy Manor behind and begin your search for me, being a Malfoy helps, you can bribe people and threaten them to find me. In the end after years have gone by, now your 40 years old, you find me.

I am back in our old apartment, I had moved back with my own wife and children, shaping it differently, the feel of you long gone just an expensive home with a gorgeous view.

You will knock on my door and my son will answer, he is almost as tall as you and has red hair, you think I married Ginny when you see him. You will have no idea what to say now that you are back home, where you belong, my son will go find me he knows who you are, my whole family knows about you. They understand what I feel for you; they also know I will never leave them.

I will come to the door and invite you in, we will sit and talk, and I will pass to you your dragon. You know then that when it ended all those years ago it was final. You will rise from your seat bid my wife a formal goodbye, turn smile at me then walk away, stopping at the mirror to make sure you are immaculate per usual and leave.

I know all this even before I lay my head down at my hotel room; I know that if I go home right now I will be able to get there before you leave. I know that I want to; I know that your mother will frown and try to take you with her, but eventually leave with promises of returning; I know we will promise each other everything will be okay, and I know that it can never be. Fighting will be worse ever after, sex will be ruff and violent, time will be spent longer and longer at work, away from each other. So I will stay in this hotel with paintings of sunny days and I will start tomorrow anew, without you.