In My Embrace

Disclaimer: All characters belong to J.K. Rowling.

With many thanks to Amsev, my beta reader.

In My Embrace

You always fit so perfectly into my embrace. Your head tucked under my chin, the curve of your back molded to my hand, your fingers intertwined with mine in a way that seemed more naturally together than two puzzle pieces.

I used to only dream of holding you this closely. My mind would drift to less innocent topics... and I would chastise myself for my thoughts. After all, they were scandalous, for you were still my student.

Also--never confuse deep admiration for love, the Slytherin in me warned. They are more different than ever thought possible.

But the Slytherin in me also knew the value of biding one's time. Waiting for the feelings to deepen--or, as I expected, for them to fade away.

Only they did not fade away. They got ever stronger, so much that it was painful.

At your graduation I purposely lingered with you a bit longer than the other students. You just thanked me and walked off the stage. My heart dropped. You hadn't gotten the message--or worse yet, you were repulsed and embarrassed by it. Or were you? I thought I had seen a look in your eyes that gave me hope... even a modicum of hope...

Hogwarts is always empty--and frighteningly still--during the summer holidays in the days between the students' departure and that of the faculty. It's an emptiness that even the Christmas holidays, with everything muffled under a blanket of snow, cannot compare to.

And I had come to resign myself to it, as if in a cage made of open space.

I remember when I arrived at my room, I had poured myself a glass of Cardhu, and for some reason I couldn't taste it. I sampled some sharp cheddar cheese, some mustard, even some horseradish... none of it registered to my taste buds, it was as if my senses were dulled.

Dulled because I felt an ill-defined, but deep sense of loss. Like something exciting, something precious, something truly magical had disappeared.

Even for me, in whom negative emotions prevail, this was a singularly depressing moment. And for the first time since I was a child I felt like crying.

Then I heard a knock. I jumped. Who could it be? Probably just Albus, asking me to have a drink and a chat with him before we retired to our respective homes for the summer. My jaw dropped when I opened the door and discovered it was you. Your eyebrows arched and I suddenly realized how stupid I must look to you.

Why in Merlin's name did I care how I came off to you? You, an impudent, overbearing, nearly intolerable girl, a much-too Gryffindor girl...

You stammered something about catching me at the wrong time, and I heard myself say "No" a little too loudly and quickly. This only made you tremble more.

Now downright embarrassed, I shrank back. After a long while... "Professor?" your small voice cut through the silence.

"Yes?" My heart pounded, even though my voice remained calm.

"I... I wanted to thank you."

"Thank me?"

"Thank you properly. For... for speaking to me. Sorry I left so fast, but I was just trying to catch up with Ron and Harry."

Give it up, old man. You will never mean as much to her as those two gits do, I said to myself, even as I watched you lift your head from its downcast position and raise your eyes to me. They were shining in a very curious way.

"I didn't think I should leave without telling you how much it meant to me." Your eyes grew brighter and a tear fell from one.

It was so moving I just had to reach out and take your hand. You did not recoil at my touch. On the contrary, you grasped me as if you afraid to let me go. Not quite a for-dear-life grasp, but almost.

Can she really...?

Then I got my impossible answer as you lifted my hand to your lips and placed a kiss on it. My insides churned. It was almost too much to bear.

"Thank you," you said, clutching my and to your face, letting me feel your perfect skin.

"No, thank you," I said in a sudden surge of courage as I bent down and kissed you. As with the touch of my hand, you did not recoil, but responded with-- dare I say it -- delight?

You wrapped your arms around me, giving me all the confirmation I needed, as I deepened the kiss, taking your breaths and making them my own.

For I knew then that I could no longer continue my life as it had been before. Not now that you'd made me yours with that one, simple act... as I was making you mine.

~~*~~*~~*~~

You stayed the night, but I did not take you to bed by any means, even though it at times was quite a struggle for me--we stayed up most of the time chatting and debating. Too bad for Albus, I heard myself think with a chuckle. It was exhilarating to get to know you as more than just the Gryffindor thorn-in-my-side of the classroom.

The next morning you kissed me goodbye just before you left. Sorry, but you had a job lined up for the summer. An internship at the Ministry. However, you would see me again as soon as you could...

We sent each other owls by the week until you could visit me at my summer home. You stayed for several days, enjoying the beauty of my family's old castle in the forest, cooking, dancing and reading with me, stimulating me with your keen intellect, sly wit and flair for conversation--and when I did take you to bed for the first time, it was just as I'd imagined it would be, pure rapture, pure delight, your body fitting perfectly to mine.

And that was the start of years of bliss together. The other Hogwarts professors were curious as to what had effected this change in me, who could have washed my bitterness away. Who put a new energy into my every movement... because for the first time in my adulthood I really had something to live for. And I did not receive the accusations and coldness I had expected; on the contrary the students were grateful for my new compassion (though you insisted it was always there), and the other professors were glad that I had found a measure of peace.

Albus was especially pleased. One Christmas I saw him kissing Minerva on the balcony, under the lightly falling snowflakes. She reached out to touch his face and I overheard her say, "You make me as happy as Severus makes Hermione." Now that was something I never believed I would hear... something too preposterous to even think about, that my love life would be looked upon as something to be admired.

But my shock faded, of course, when you caught up with me, pointed at the mistletoe above, and gave me that impish smile I so loved. That smile that was promise and anticipation itself...

And it was me who had unleashed your passionate side--me alone. Some people saw you as not a particularly affectionate girl, maybe even as one incapable of real love. How wrong they were--and how lucky I was to have you all to myself... and to belong so completely to you.

~~*~~*~~*~~

And now I hold you in my arms again, us fitting together perfectly as many times before. I nestle my face in your neck and run my hands up and down your back in an attempt to calm your labored breathing.

The stench of smoke and burnt flesh is heavy in the air. There is not an intact house, not an unburnt tree for miles. We are probably the only ones left alive, and pretty soon, we, too, will be gone.

Voldemort's strike was brutal and swift, calculated to kill within minutes, but not without granting a few last agonizing breaths. Entire wizarding communities have vanished in this manner, and as optimistic as we were, we always had the suspicion that our turn would come. After all, he was bound to know of my betrayal of him sooner or later.

Last time I heard, our side was still winning. I wouldn't know now... or care. There's not much time left. I'm only grateful that I will spend my last seconds on earth with the one I love more than anyone else in my life. Albus still does not know, but he will shortly. He will send for me--and you--so that we can have a proper burial. He will shout accolades that I would roll my eyes at hearing. But he will insist that I--and you--deserved them all the same.

You shudder and I feel the stricture in my own chest. You look at me and your eyes glitter out of your sooty face even as you struggle for breath. You lift a hand to caress my cheek as you choke out the words, "I love you."

My heart palpitates, losing its rhythm. Hot and cold run through me. And I feel the death rattle in your throat as I press my lips to yours.

Soon the overwhelming drowsiness comes, and my breath leaves me for the last time, passing to you, rising to the heavens... My arms tighten as I lie with you and shudder in my own death throes.

I didn't get to say I loved you verbally.

But I did in my mind and you understood just the same.

For I could not ask for anything more than to die happy. Die a loved man.

Just as you made me.

THE END

After the wash
Before the fire
I will decay
Melt in your arms
As the day hits the night
We will sit by candlelight
We will laugh
We will sing
When the saints go marching in

A for a heart
B for a brain
Insects and grass
Are all that remain
When the light from above
Burns a hole straight through our love
We will laugh
We will sing
When the saints go marching in
And we will carry war no more

All our love and all our of pain
Will be but a tune
The Sun and the Moon
The wind and the rain
Hand in hand we'll do and die
Listening to the band that made us cry
We'll have nothing to lose
We'll have nothing to gain
Just to stay this real life situation
For one last refrain...

---"Famous Last Words", Tears For Fears