The Other Side

When you lose Sirius, you will lose everything that matters. You will still have friends and comrades, yes, but you will lose the only person who ever truly loved you. You will be unable to sleep at night for months because he won't be there beside you, and your mind will wander to what could have been.

You will think about the future you and Sirius could have had once the war ended, the future that you had thought about for years and were so sure would happen. You will think about what could have happened if you had stopped him from going with you to rescue Harry or maybe even dragged him away from taunting his cousin. And sometimes, you will think about what could have happened if you had fallen in love with Severus Snape instead.

[You don't despise Snape or taunt him like James and Sirius and Peter. You think it might be because you had been an outcast once, too, and though he does treat you nastily, you think that if maybe you were nicer to him, he might be nicer to you, too.

But you don't do anything, just always stand to the side and watch while James and Sirius humiliate Snape. You know that the right thing to do would be to intervene, but you don't because you don't need Snape's bitterness or James and Sirius's indignation at your interference, so you stay quiet.]

You will think about the rare times you glimpsed Snape while you were by yourself, and you will remember how you pitied him because his unpopularity really wasn't his own fault; James and Sirius needed a target, a villain, and they chose him.

[Sirius tortures Snape so severely for only one reason--because he glances at you when he thinks no one is looking. One night, Sirius tells you that he sees the way Snape looks at you, and he tells you that he will never let Snape have you. You have never noticed yourself.]

You will think about the hard lives both of you have led, and you will think about how much the two of you share. You will think about being able to tell him anything without being laughed at or just brushed off because the two of you are so similar, and you will wish that you really do have something with him.

You will see a quiet life. You will see a man who doesn't show you affection but you know cares about you, and you will see a man whom you can depend upon for anything and everything. You will see a life almost completely opposite of what you would have had with Sirius.

[Sirius tells you that he did it because he wanted Snivellus away from you, once and for all. You tell him that he shouldn't have, that he could have killed Snape, and Sirius replies that he really doesn't care what happens to scum like him.]

You will also know that you can't have any of that because Sirius, in his possessiveness, gave Snape reason to hate you as well. You will continue to wonder, however, because now that Sirius is gone, why should you not?

[You won't know until years later what you lost.]

You will think that maybe Snape would have been better for you, better than Sirius had ever been.

[You believe you are happy, but years later, you will tell yourself that you could have had something better.]

You will only ever be able to imagine a life with Snape, however, because you lost him when you let Sirius claim you.