Back to You

i. don't look

Harry doesn't need to look up at the sky to know that overcast clouds cover the earth grimly. The blue of the sky hasn't been seen in Britain for a month now, and Harry doesn't think that the grey will lift until the war is over. He hopes that isn't the case, and if it is, he hopes for a quick, decisive battle in the near future before they are driven mad by the weather that reflects their very moods.

Raids, battles, and skirmishes appear everyday, and all of them are hard pressed for time. Hermione spends sixteen hours a day in the library, researching with select others while he and most of the Order discuss strategy, outline plans, and, of course, fight.

Harry doesn't feel any more guilt from using the Killing Curse. He kills Death Eaters mechanically, and he never bothers to try to identify them, before or after.

After all, one of them might just be the man he loves loved.

ii. too late again

Draco is a coward, has always been a coward, and he knows it. He was brave enough to sacrifice his family for love, but he is still too scared to face the man he loves.

And now, with Blaise gone, Draco really wishes that he had had enough courage to see Harry again. He's now utterly alone, and Draco doesn't like the feeling of loneliness that greets him when he awakens each day because none of the others really trust him enough to become friends, or even acquaintances, with him.

Draco isn't like Blaise. Blaise is quiet and mysterious, which draws people to him in some inexplicable way. He isn't like Harry, either, a hero who is worshipped by most of the wizarding world. Draco is just the former Malfoy heir, a boy who's barely a man with a surname despised by most of the wizarding world.

Blaise liked overcast skies. Draco doesn't like them because they remind him too much of his inner turmoils, and he knows Harry doesn't like them, either.

iii. can't forget

Harry doesn't like to think of Draco, so he tries to keep his mind off of the volatile subject. Draco is a person with too many facets, ones that could anger him, sadden him, or fill his body and sometimes, even his heart, with longing and need.

Too many things that remind Harry of Draco still remain, however, and Harry can't possibly avoid them all. He's gotten good at convincing himself and pretending that it doesn't matter, that they don't bring images to his mind and stir up faint emotions within his heart.

Harry's not infallible like everyone believes, and he always cracks eventually. When he does, he strokes himself at night, whispering Draco's name, and he screams into the pillow when he comes.

Harry hasn't forgotten that Draco whimpers right before he climaxes.

iv. illusive shadows

Draco likes the darkness of night. Night is when secrets are formed and protected, when refugees can seek the shelter they need. Night is when lovely things are created, things like love or poison or toxic paradises.

Night is when no one cares who he is, when he can forget everything he owes to his surname and do what he wants, what he craves. Night is when masks are broken and new truths are revealed.

Draco can't describe how Harry looks to anyone because he's only seen him in the darkness of night. Draco only knows how the frail moonlight casts shadows upon tanned skin, how tendrils of night cover and reveal as they please.

But the night can't stop Draco from tasting Harry fully, no matter how powerful it is.

v. ever the fool

Harry can barely sit still as Madam Pomfrey nurses several cuts upon his forehead. He can feel her fingers flittering over his skin, and he wants to move away so he doesn't think about long, pale fingers slidingstroking over sweaty skin.

Sometimes, Harry thinks he's a fool for leaving Draco. He knew about Draco's situation, and still, all Harry cared about was Draco being who he wanted him to be, not who Draco wanted to be.

But Harry always convinces himself that it's the right thing to feel. There's a wrong side and a right side in wars, and he can't possibly be able to accept Draco if he's on the wrong side, even if he loved Draco.

They would eventually have to face in battle, and Harry could never live with himself if he killed his source of happiness for the greater good, especially if he was still attached. But if he distanced himself, Harry just might be able to destroy the most precious thing to him.

Sometimes, Harry thinks he's just as much of a coward as Draco. After all, he was too afraid to try and thus, just gave Draco an ultimatum, so it might be partially his fault.

But he blames Draco more for making the wrong choice and not even asking for another chance.

vi. foolish wishes

Sometimes, Draco wonders why he chose Harry instead of Blaise. He's sure that if they both tried, they could have been able to have something. They've known each other ever since childhood, and they have always been bosom friends.

Draco's certainly closer to Blaise than he is to Harry. He may love Harry, but Blaise is the one he is willing to trust with all of his secrets and insecurities and faults because he knows Blaise will understand. Harry asks questions and answers rashly, believing too much in the abilities of himself and the people around him. Blaise knows how to listen and comfort Draco the way he needs it, and he always has a wise reply.

When Blaise dies, Draco thinks he might as well just go back to his family. He doesn't know what to say to Harry even if he is brave enough to try and find him, and with Blaise about to leave his life, Draco doesn't see any more reason to live the life of an outcast.

But before Blaise dies, he tells Draco to find Harry for him if not for Draco himself, and after Blaise is gone, Draco cries for one whole night and wishes that he fell in love with Blaise instead.

vii. refusal

Before the war began in earnest, Harry tried to have a relationship with someone. He was tall, muscular, brown-haired, blue-eyed, and a Muggleborn, everything opposite of Draco. It failed miserably.

Harry hasn't tried since. He doesn't have time to anymore, anyway, and he's afraid of feeling the same things again, wanting the same things again. It doesn't matter that he didn't actually make the mistakes. Harry thought them, and that was enough to prove that it wasn't working.

Harry wants to try again with someone else, but he doesn't know how to start because even though he won't admit it, Draco is still in him, and he can deny all he wants, but he can't ever stop himself from masturbating to Draco's name at night.

Harry often doesn't see what's right in front of him.

viii. unexpected

Draco doesn't plan it. He's just walking up to Hogwarts when he sees Death Eaters approaching rapidly from the side, and Draco stops. He hurries to his own residence to alert his group. After all, the Order isn't the only group fighting against Voldemort.

Messages are sent to all the other resistance groups they know, and blood soon bathes Hogwarts. It drips from the trees and puddles in the grass, and the clouds are now almost completely black.

Draco doesn't think, just fights the Death Eaters, former comrades, as they descend upon him. He fights for himself and for Blaise but most of all, for Harry so that they can't get to him and disrupt the true battle.

When the rain falls, Draco instinctively knows that it's over. He turns around wearily and freezes when he sees Harry's back facing him, blood running down his robes at the rain's insistence.

ix. decision made

When Voldemort falls, the rain begins to hurl down in a fury, trying to sweep away the bloodshed. Harry can feel the rain washing away the dirt, grime, and blood upon his body, and he welcomes the weather's heralding of a new beginning.

He turns around to look for the others, and Harry finds Draco standing behind him, staring at him. Harry notices that Draco isn't wearing the hood and mask of a Death Eater, though he has his wand out and the rain is washing away the bloodstains on his face and hair.

Harry doesn't know what to do. He's been ready for everything except this because he has been so convinced, so willing to believe, but now, it appears that he has been wrong once again. He lost Sirius due to a mistake he once made, and he doesn't think he's willing to lose someone else with another mistake of his.

Harry may be unwilling to see the truth at times, but he doesn't make the same mistake twice.

x. heart's sacrifice

Draco isn't prepared for Harry walking toward him and stopping in front of him. The two of them stare at each other for an eternity before Harry softly utters his name. Draco doesn't know what to say in response, and he looks away because he's still afraid.

Harry says his name again, and when Draco feels Harry's fingers on his chin, he lets Harry turn his face. Draco's not sure what's supposed to happen now. He knows what he wants, but he doesn't know if Harry's changed because after all, Harry left him there when he said he didn't know.

Draco thinks that maybe this time, he should take the initiative because wasn't his indecision what caused this? He pulls up his left sleeve, and as Harry turns to look at the smooth skin there, he says, "I sacrificed them for you."

Harry looks back at his face, and Draco continues. "When Blaise died, I was going to give up, but he told me that I had to find you again, if not for myself, then for him."

"Who did you do it for?" Harry asks softly.

"For me. And you."