Infatuation

Contemplation

"Well shit. Now what?" Justin was left staring down the hall his dorm mate had just run off through, his brain trying desperately to catch up on what had just happened. Ernie kissed me. Ernie kissed me. Ernie kissed me. Ernie kissed me. No matter how he looked at it, it didn't make sense. Why would Ernie kiss me? I mean, I don't get...

Justin's thoughts were interrupted by a softly cleared throat, and blinking he realized he'd been staring into the space that Susan had started to occupy at some point without his noticing.

"Hello," she said, giving him a funny look.

"Hi," he said, blinking as he came back to reality.

"I saw Ernie go running off..."

"Yes." He wasn't going to help her. Whatever was going on, it was clear that the girls knew more about it than he did, and that was annoying him. It was his life, damn it. Shouldn't he be the one who knew what was going on?

"What did he say?"

"He said he was the reason everyone was staring at me."

"And..."

"And he didn't say anything after that." Justin stared at Susan, not blinking. It was true - kissing someone kind of precluded speech.

Susan just stared back, a single eyebrow arched as she considered her house mate.

Sighing, Justin turned away from her and moved back into the room, flopping back onto his bed. Without looking at her he said, "Then he kissed me and ran off."

"Ah..." It wasn't even a word and it still managed to annoy him. Maybe it was the knowing tone of her sigh. Or maybe he was just tense.

"Is that all you have to say? 'Ah'?"

"Pretty much."

Without even looking at her Justin could feel her watching him, judging him, trying to figure out what he was thinking. He didn't even know what he thought and he rather resented her trying to figure him out. Friend or not, he would be the first to know what he wanted, what he thought. Shoving himself up he glanced over at her then stood up. "I'm going for a walk."

"Ok," Susan said, but by the time she said it he was already heading past her down the hall. "Where are you going?"

"I don't know yet," he called back as he headed through the common room and out into the castle proper.

***

The thing with wandering through Hogwarts without paying attention to where you were going was that you got lost, fast. It didn't matter how well you knew the castle, or how many years experience you had of exploring its labyrinthine corridors, if you stopped paying attention for too long you got lost.

Justin had spent the first ten minutes of his walk lost in thought, and the next twenty lost in reality. He thought for a moment he'd found the way to the charms corridor, but it had turned out to be some entirely different corridor that just happened to have the exact same wall hangings. Or maybe it was the same corridor and it just went somewhere different when you were lost.

Sometimes, Justin mused, it's easy to believe the castle is out to get you.

As he was wandering down a hallway that looked suspiciously like the way to the Potions dungeon (except he was sure he couldn't be underground since he'd not gone down any stairs) he heard a voice calling his name.

"Finch-Fletchley? Hey, Finch-Fletchley!"

Turning around Justin peered back the way he came but didn't see anyone, and no one had been in front of him.

"Finch-Fletchley, back here."

The voice was coming from one of the classroom doors he'd passed and when Justin peaked into the room he spotted Seamus Finnigan moving toward the doorway. "H'lo?" he said, curious why the Gryffindor would be trying to catch his attention.

"Hello," Seamus replied, smiling. "What are you doing down here?"

"I'm lost," Justin answered, "I've no idea where 'here' is."

"Er," the Gryffindor said, looking around and seeming somewhat surprised. "It's the Potions corridor. I'd have thought you'd have recognized it."

"I did, but..." Explaining that he didn't know how he'd gotten here would take too long, Justin decided. "Never mind. Why were you yelling at me?"

"What, a guy can't just talk to one of his classmates?"

Justin stared at Seamus. "Finnigan, you hardly even talk to me when we're working together in Herbology."

Seamus opened and closed his mouth, clearly unable to come up with an answer.

"Never mind," Justin said, turning back towards the hallway. Now that he knew where he was there was a good chance he'd be able to find his way back to the library, or out onto the grounds. You couldn't get lost on the grounds as long as you stayed out of the forest.

"Hold on," Seamus said, moving to stand between Justin and the door. "I just wanted... you looked like you had something on your mind."

Justin scowled faintly. "And?"

"And I wanted to... I was wondering if I could help."

"Help with?" It wasn't any of the Gryffindor's business, Justin felt, and he had no idea why Seamus was trying to involve himself.

Seamus paused, considering him. "It's to do with Macmillan, isn't it?"

"Fuck you. Everybody knows about this, don't they?" Justin was getting so tired of having everybody know what was going on when he didn't.

"Er?" Seamus looked confused. "Look, I didn't... I only know because..."

"I don't want to hear it." Justin tried to step around Seamus to leave again, but the Gryffindor moved, blocking him again.

"Finch-Fletchley..."

"This is what you were going to tell me in the library?"

"Yes."

"The thing Thomas didn't want you talking about?"

"Yes."

"Fine. Talk." Justin crossed his arms, half way glaring at the other boy.

"Look, can we sit down?" Seamus glanced around the room at all the desks.

"I would prefer not to."

"Right. Mind if I do?" Without waiting for an answer he hopped up on one of the desks. "Look, you remember when Macmillan and Dean were dating?"

"Yeah?" He didn't get any less tense, but at least now Justin was paying attention.

"Ok, so a couple weeks ago Dean and I ran into Macmillan and he was upset about... something." Seamus' eyes flickered as he said that, but he quickly went on. "He and Dean ended up talking, which is how I know anything's going on at all. Seriously."

Justin considered him, then leaned against one of the tables, his body language suggesting he was at least willing to listen to Seamus. "So what do you know?"

"Macmillan's in love with you."

Justin just stared. "I'm sorry, can you say that again."

"Macmillan, Ernie, he's in love with you. Well," he amended, "he didn't say it outright, but I know the symptoms."

"The symptoms?"

Seamus looked serious. "The symptoms of being in love with your best friend and being unable to tell him."

There really wasn't anything to say to that, Justin decided.

"I take it something happened that's got you wandering around down here, looking like the world fell out from under your feet?"

"Yeah, you could say that," Justin admitted, looking unhappy.

"Want to talk about it?"

"Not particularly."

Seamus grinned at that. "Fair enough. You don't know me from Adam, minus the seven years of Herbology, so why should you talk to me?"

"Exactly. Why should I?" Justin asked, taking the bait.

"Because I've got a unique perspective on things."

"Oh?"

"Yep. I don't know you, and what I know of Macmillan is all tainted by my hating him for every time he's ever even looked at Dean."

Justin shot a sharp look at Seamus as the Gryffindor continued.

"But, similarly, I've been where he is, and can tell you at least a little about what he's thinking."

Justin considered Seamus for a few seconds, thinking hard. One the one hand, he really didn't feel like talking about any of this. He didn't know what he thought about what had happened, and even if he had been in a mood to talk about it, why would he pick Seamus Finnigan to talk to? And at the same time, wandering around and just thinking about it wasn't getting him anywhere. Finnigan's "unique perspective" might be useful.

"I guess talking about it might help," Justin allowed, settling onto one of the desks facing Seamus.

***

"I'm not gay, Finnigan," Justin said, shaking his head. "I like girls."

"Well fine. When it comes down to things, neither am I."

"What? I mean, you and Thomas..."

"I'm bisexual. I like girls and guys. But it's really beside the point. Labels are really counterproductive."

"When did you get clever, Finnigan?" Justin cocked his head at the Gryffindor. "You're always goofing off in class, never really serious. Since when are you..." He waved a hand somewhat vaguely. "... like this?"

Seamus snorted. "I can be serious, when it's important. It just usually isn't," he said with a grin, and Justin couldn't help but smile back.

"Ok, fine. So, no labels, no asking the big question." Which was good, as far as Justin was concerned. He didn't want to be gay. He had no idea what his parents would say, but he rather suspected it wouldn't be very nice. But it still left him with nowhere to go. Ernie had kissed him, apparently had a thing for him, and Justin still didn't know what he thought about all of it. "So what do I do?"

"Start at the beginning. Are you attracted to boys at all?"

"How do I even answer that question?" Justin said, sounding frustrated. "I never thought about it."

"Thinking, I have found, is frequently not helpful." Seamus grinned brightly. "Ever dream about any of the guys in class? Harry maybe, with those big, serious eyes? The ever popular Boot with that tongue ring?" Seamus' smile was almost wicked. "Maybe you've had thoughts of breaking Malfoy's cool ice prince demeanor and getting him to scream for you?"

Justin stared. "You're a bit mental, you know that, Finnigan?"

"That's what they tell me, yes. But I'll note you've not answered the question."

He looked away from Seamus, considering, and then spoke, still facing the wall. "Ok, yeah, I've dreamt about one or two of our male classmates. But not often," he added quickly, fighting down a blush. "It's normal, isn't it? I mean really, we're teenagers. Pretty much anything can set us off."

"True enough," Seamus agreed affably. "But you've dreamt of it. Your subconscious mind is not entirely adverse to the idea." When Justin didn't say anything he went on, his face becoming more seriously. "Have you ever dreamt about Macmillan? Ever thought about him that way?"

Justin looked up, shocked. "He's my best friend!"

"Yes. Your point?"

"I... I... No, I..."

Seamus just waited.

Finally Justin stopped stuttering and stared at Seamus. "No. No, I never had... have."

"You never had?" Seamus asked, raising an eyebrow, and now Justin did blush.

"He kissed me, ok. Of course I'm going to think about it now."

"And what do you think?"

Justin didn't answer, just looked away. That was the question. What did he think? "I don't know," he finally said quietly.

"You're the only one who can answer that question," Seamus told him, and Justin heard the Gryffindor hop down from his perch on the desk. "When you know, then you'll know how to deal with Macmillan. Be straight with him, er, figuratively speaking. If you're not interested, tell him. If you are, figure out whether or not you can deal with that. It does nobody any good for you to realize you're attracted to him and tell him, only to decide two weeks later that you can't handle being involved with a guy. Be honest with him, and be honest with yourself. Good luck," he added as he headed out the room. "Mind, you're in the Potions corridor. Don't get lost again."

Then the Gryffindor was gone, and Justin was left alone with his thoughts once more. Sighing, he dropped his head into his hands, staring at the floor. It was all well and good for Finnigan to tell him to just figure it out. How the hell was he supposed to know?

Well, start at the beginning. Ernie kissed you. Did you like it? Justin was a little worried that his mind was offering him suggestions in Seamus Finnigan's voice.

Did you like it? The truth was he didn't know if he had liked it. The kiss had ended almost as soon as it had begun.

Do you regret that?

Kind of. If nothing else, I'd kind of like to know what it really felt like.

Do you want him to do it again?

... maybe.

Maybe?

... yes.

Can you handle the fact that you want him to do it again?

...

Don't say maybe. This is Ernie. He deserves better than a maybe. Either you can handle it or you can't.

... yes.