The Many Loves Of Sirius Black

The Many Loves Of Sirius Black

By Minnow

Sirius Black fell in love when he was six, with a girl called Cousin Bell. He liked her name, because it was unusual and bells made a sweet sound. Bell was a full two years older, and therefore grown-up and sophisticated. She was also very pretty, like all the Blacks, with black hair and grey eyes. She was almost a feminine version of Sirius. Sirius liked his face in the mirror, so he enjoyed looking at Bell.

His infatuation lasted for the duration of a smart family wedding. The bride was beautiful in her white gown and veil, the groom was handsome if not overly bright, and a new little pureblood was already, though discreetly, on the way.

The reception was filled to bursting with Blacks and Snapes and Potters, and even the occasional Weasley, because it was the sixties and wizards were a tiny bit more liberal then. Sirius, who tended to be impulsive, asked Cousin Bell to dance. They shuffled round the centre of the floor, to the music of the Beetles. Their current hit, I Wanna Hold Your Wand, was playing when Sirius leaned over and kissed beautiful Cousin Bell on the cheek. Quick as a flash, Bell reached out and slapped him very hard across the face, with a resounding crack.

Sirius didn't even see it coming. The music stopped abruptly. Waiters circulating with trays of food and wine stopped in their tracks to stare at Sirius Black humiliated in the middle of the dance floor.

'What do you think you're doing? In front of everybody!' Sirius's mother led him away, jerking his arm a bit roughly. And that was the end of Sirius Black's first romance.

*

Sirius Black fell in love when he was eleven, with a boy called James Potter. James intrigued him from the start, because he was so confident, so much freer than Sirius. His robes were expensive, but not ostentatiously so like Sirius's. He wore a big grin, and didn't seem anxious at all about going to a new place. Sirius was looking forward to it too, but mainly because it couldn't be as bad as home. He examined James out of the corner of his eye and decided they even looked a bit alike, tall and with dark hair, though Sirius was obviously more handsome.

They ended up in the same carriage on the Hogwarts Express: Sirius made sure of that. By the time they reached school they discovered they had the same interests - Quidditch, learning hexes and jinxes so they could confound their friends - liked the same food - mashed potato, custard and pumpkin pie - and, important to Sirius then, were both pureblood wizards from wealthy backgrounds.

Their first acts of mutual mayhem occurred when they agreed they both loathed Severus Snape. Sirius came up with the nickname Snivellus, James came up with a variety of creative pranks designed to torment him, and together they worked on the often complex magic needed to keep Snivellus in total misery. Their first triumph was hexing a broomstick so it would follow Snivellus everywhere he went; a childish prank, but annoying to Snivellus and therefore satisfying. Of course, they used a school broomstick, because James's Concorde 350 was special, and only for Quidditch.

James had an invisibility cloak, and he and Sirius could fit together nicely under it. They used it mainly for mundane purposes like kitchen raids and later stealing Butterbeer from the Three Broomsticks on Hogsmeade weekends; though James was very honest, and insisted on leaving the gold to cover it on the bar where Rosmerta would find it.

Sirius's feelings for James were never complicated at all. You could say he loved him like a brother. But in fact he loved him the way you don't actually love a brother, the way he didn't love Regulus. Because nobody besides an identical twin feels a sibling is his missing link, the other half of his brain, an equal worthy of absolute trust and devotion; which was how Sirius thought of James.

*

Sirius Black fell in love when he was fourteen, with a girl called Sally. She had tawny hair and light brown eyes and always reminded him of someone, but he could never figure out who it was.

Sally was very serious for a girl. She was a Ravenclaw, clever without being overbearing, and Sirius found her fascinating to talk to. He liked the way she never giggled or blushed or tried to hold hands with him in public, or in private. He was especially impressed with her ability to brew potions that changed your hair colour and features without the lengthy process needed to make Polyjuice. Though Sally didn't know it, she contributed a lot to the Animagus work that Sirius, James and their friend Peter were involved in.

Sirius started discussing it with her, hypothetically of course, and Sally would say, for instance, 'You don't need such complicated ingredients. If you leave out the nightshade and the powdered unicorn horn and use a double helping of gillyflowers instead, you get the same effect. And it takes half the time to make. It even cuts the risk of the transformation going wrong, because gillyflower acts as a stabiliser.'

Sirius Black was perhaps the only boy in Hogwarts history who always took a notebook on dates with him, so he could scribble down Sally's revolutionary recipes.

She sometimes got it wrong, of course. When Sirius experimented with her shortcut for memory potion, he ruined his cauldron entirely in the explosion. But the potion came in useful later for fuelling fireworks to be used against Snivellus and other enemies.

He tried to kiss her a couple of times, because that is what you do with a girlfriend. But it left them both feeling awkward and uncomfortable, and in the end Sirius decided he'd rather treat Sally like the sister he had never had. Sally seemed fine with that, and they remained good friends.

*

Sirius Black fell in love when he was fifteen, with a boy he called Moony. He first fell in love with him after he'd seen him transform into a wolf. Though Sirius had been friends with Moony for quite a while, he didn't feel he knew him until he began to understand how he suffered every month. His new feelings also had something to do with being a big dog, playing with a wolf starved of companionship for many years.

Until then, he had loved Moony rather the way he loved James. If James was his twin, Moony was his younger brother, the one you felt you had to look out for a bit, make sure nobody bullied him. But suddenly, Sirius found himself nervous and shy in Moony's company. His heart would start to beat crazily when Moony looked at him or spoke to him.

He realised Moony was beautiful, with his pale skin and brown eyes that were too big for his delicate heart-shaped face. He took to staring at him all the time, at Moony reading, or eating or just sitting around daydreaming, because Moony did a lot of daydreaming. He also realised he wanted to touch Moony and kiss him and do a lot of other things with him. He knew that all the things he hadn't quite wanted to do with Sally would be absolutely wonderful with Moony.

He started staying with Moony in the mornings after the full moon, usually as Padfoot, but always returning to his own form. They would lie on the four-poster in the shack together, and soon it became quite natural for him to hug Moony to keep him warm, and for Moony to hug him back. In the first light of dawn, they would hold each other for a long time, without speaking.

Moony was a quiet boy, and exceptionally conscientious about doing his homework. So one Saturday Sirius took him to the Shack to work on a project for Defence Against the Dark Arts together. They stayed there for a day and a night, and came back looking as if they hadn't combed their hair for a week, with shining eyes and flushed faces.

After that weekend, Sirius and Moony were together. They were always walking side by side down corridors, and sometimes their hands would seem to brush, just slightly, so you'd think you'd imagined it.

James knew about Moony, and though he was a bit shaken at first, he was a twin, and a best friend, and he understood all about love, because he loved Lily Evans. He even managed to be glad for Sirius, because otherwise what were friends for?

It felt wonderful to love and be loved, but unfortunately, Sirius's old enemy Snivellus found out, and threatened to tell the whole school and get Sirius and Moony expelled. Sirius decided the best way to stop him would be to send him to find the werewolf on a full moon night, which was how his romance with Moony ended.

*

Sirius Black fell in love when he was sixteen, with Lily Evans. He didn't have any romantic interest in her, because she belonged to his best friend, though she wouldn't even talk to James.

Sirius fell for Lily one evening when he'd been moping in the common room, missing his Moony, who now looked at him with great sad eyes, and sometimes started to speak but couldn't quite get the words out. It broke Sirius's heart, but he knew he had no right to Moony now, and had done enough damage already.

Lily was coming back late from a study session in the library. She handed Sirius a clean hanky, and looked away tactfully while he used it. She then, in a kind and sympathetic way, persuaded Sirius to tell her what was wrong.

Sirius blurted out all about how he loved Moony, but had done a terrible thing to him, and could no longer be with him. He didn't think Moony would want him anyway, not after what had happened. 'You probably heard that this stupid joke I was playing went wrong, and you know about James. He was a hero, really.' It never hurt to put in a good word for his best friend. 'Well, Moony's forgiven me, of course he has, but he doesn't trust me any more. Even though he knows it was only a prank. I didn't mean any harm.'

Lily didn't ask what exactly Sirius had done. She simply listened to him and held his hand, and lent him another hanky. She then suggested he tell Moony exactly what he'd just told her, how he loved and missed him, and see what happened. They were on first name terms by that point. 'You mustn't give up, Sirius,' she said, gazing at him with those green eyes James rhapsodised about all the time. Sirius made a mental note to tell James what she'd said. He knew there was a message there somewhere.

'You must promise you'll talk to him tomorrow. I'll do it, if you want me to. Lupin and I are friends too, you know. As we're both prefects.'

'No, it's fine. I'll do it.'

Lily squeezed his hand, and took her soaking wet hankies back without flinching, and gave him a gentle goodnight kiss on the cheek. It was silly to think about a beautiful young girl in such terms, but somehow Sirius thought Lily would be a wonderful mother. He hoped, he really hoped, that one day she and James would be married and have lots of children, because he couldn't imagine a happier fate for either of them.

*

Sirius Black fell in love when he was sixteen, with a boy called Remus. Remus was a bit more guarded than Moony, a bit reserved, and didn't laugh so often, but he was the same person Sirius had fallen in love with a year earlier.

Sirius was eager to put Lily's advice into action. It was difficult to find a time and place where they could be completely alone, so he dragged Remus up to the deserted common room one break-time, on the pretext that he had lost his Divination textbook and Remus had to come up and help him find it.

Once he had Remus to himself, they had a long discussion, during which they didn't hug or touch, but just spoke about their relationship and where it would go. Sirius wasn't used to analysing things too deeply, but Remus liked to, and he thought he'd better obey Lily and make sure Remus knew exactly how he felt. 'I really didn't want to freeze you out, or anything,' Remus said after a while, twisting a curl of his hair round his finger, which he always did when he was agitated. 'I just don't want to get hurt again.'

Sirius felt helpless against those words, so he did what he really wanted to do, which was to put his arms tightly round Remus and kiss him. They had often kissed before, but this was a different kiss; tentative at first - 'Do you still want me? Will you let me in again?' - shading to confident - 'Yes. Yes. I've missed you so much!' - shading to passionate - 'Oh, God, I love you, please don't stop, please never stop...'

It was a kiss that felt like heaven, and afterwards they went to the dorm, drew the curtains round Remus's bed and remained there for the rest of the day, rediscovering each other's bodies and how very good they felt together. Sirius would have sworn then that there would never be a time when he wouldn't love Remus and want to be with him.

They stayed together after school, sharing a very shabby flat just off Knockturn Alley. It was a magical time in their lives. James and Lily were engaged, Peter often dropped in to see them, and for a while it was almost like being at school still, except without the restraints of rules and lessons. Sirius didn't need to work, and Remus could rarely find or hold down a job, so they lived an indolent life for a few months, lazing around in bed all morning, or just hanging out with their friends. But soon, the first war began, and nothing was fun any more.

As the Death Eaters picked off members of the Order one by one, Sirius became convinced that Remus had gone over to the other side. How else would Voldemort always know the most confidential Order business? Remus was a Dark Creature, after all, so secretive that Sirius never had the faintest idea what he was doing on his many missions.

Padfoot stopped running with the wolf: Sirius was terrified that one morning he might look at Remus's arm, as he lay naked and helpless after the transformation, and see the Dark Mark there.

The romance ended for the second time on the morning of Halloween 1981, the same day Sirius's bonds with James and Lily were sundered. The break-up had been coming for a long while: it just needed one of them to say the final words to sever them, which neither could quite bear to do. They had been alone in the flat for several days now, hardly speaking, not looking each other in the eye. Sirius sighed heavily, got up and put on his cloak, and said 'I'm off to James's. Don't wait up.' He didn't even glance back at Remus before he left.

*

Sirius Black fell in love when he was thirty-three, with a boy called Harry. Harry combined the features of two of Sirius's past loves, James Potter and Lily Evans, who was Lily Potter when she died.

Sirius had already met Harry, of course, when he was a baby. But babies aren't a lot of fun, except to their parents, and Sirius decided being a godfather would become more entertaining when Harry was a bit older.

The second he saw him again, Sirius remembered how much he'd loved Harry. At a distance, he could discern mainly Harry's unruly hair and his glasses, so he seemed uncannily like James. And he fell in love even more when Harry gazed at him out of Lily's eyes, first with mistrust, and then with such blazing hope that Sirius felt for a moment that all things were possible. He found it hard to look at Harry sometimes, though, because he reminded him so vividly of the past.

This was a giving love, an unselfish love, the love of a father for his son. Before he ever spoke to Harry, Sirius was buying him expensive presents and planning all the things he could do for Harry to give him a happy life if he could persuade him to leave his Muggle relatives. Once they knew each other better, the dreams of him and Harry in a little house in the country helped keep Sirius going during his dreary incarceration in Grimmauld Place when he was all on his own.

His love for Harry increased every day he knew him, and the relationship, in the normal way of things, would never have ended. Sirius would have watched Harry grow up, gone to his wedding, babysat for his children, and, like all decent parents, been willing to die for him. In fact, he did die for him.

*

Sirius Black fell in love when he was thirty-three, with a man called Professor Lupin. Professor Lupin was recognisably his own Moony; a bit grey, a bit lined, but he still had laughing eyes and a husky voice and an uncanny ability to overcome Boggarts.

They were shy with each other at first, because Sirius was so damaged and Remus was so wary. When Sirius fell in love with Moony, they had been impulsive teenagers hurtling into bed together. This time round, the two men took their time, never speaking about the past but edging closer and closer every day. There'd be a slight pressure of hand on hand, or they'd stand close to each other and not back away, and then it became quite natural to take up again where they'd left off, and occasionally kiss, and then make love again.

It was different, of course it was, but the feelings and sensations were eternal and could never really change. 'This is the third time I've fallen in love with you, Moony,' Sirius told him. Professor Lupin gave him a sweet, luminous smile and said, 'I never needed to fall in love with you more than once.'

Though Lupin wasn't around that often, they had some happy, even wonderful times during Sirius's year in Grimmauld Place. 'When it's over,' Sirius would say, as they sat in front of the drawing-room fire, 'we'll go away somewhere. The two of us and Harry. We'll go to the mountains. We'll go to the sea. Get away from the city.'

Lupin would laugh. 'You'd hate it, Padfoot. You can't wait to get back to crowds of people! We can have a place in London. Not here, of course. Harry'll love that. You can show him the sights.

He'd stroke Sirius's hair absent-mindedly, plucking out the very occasional grey hair. Sirius would say 'Ow! Stop it.'

'Don't fuss. You're too vain to be going grey.'

When Lupin was around, he often gave in and took Sirius out in his Padfoot form to run in the park. Naturally, none of the other Order members knew about it. 'Still breaking rules, Lupin?' Snape would have sneered. The two men didn't care. They would stay out till dark and come home to a quiet, empty house, where even Kreacher wasn't stirring. 'Not that he ever does. Lazy bugger.'

The kisses they shared those days were honeyed and tasted of tea and the warm night air in Hyde Park. The feelings they shared were deep and abiding. Sirius knew he wouldn't have to fall in love with Moony ever again, because this was the last time, the time he could never return from, no matter what. He would lie beside him and gaze into his eyes, and it was as if they had never been apart at all.

*

When Sirius Black was thirty-five and still in love with Professor Lupin, he had another encounter with Cousin Bell, his first-ever crush. 'How could I have thought Bellatrix was beautiful?' he wondered, amused all the same at the memory of following her round like a puppy at that long-ago wedding. In the heat of the moment, he couldn't resist taunting her just a bit.

Once again, he didn't even see it coming.

End