Little Red Car

Little Red Car

By Minnow

There was once a little red car. She lived in a garage with a flying motorbike - a bit rough, of course, but not completely uncultured, for a Harley-Davidson - and two rather battered deckchairs.

The little red car was called Minnie, because she was a Mini, a popular car in the 1970s. She belonged to a wizard called Remus. Minnie didn't know Remus's last name. She wasn't as bright as the motorbike, however uncouth, who knew that his owner was called Sirius Black. But she was bright enough to find her name a bit unimaginative.

Though Minnie and the bike lived together, Remus and Sirius did not. Sirius lived a few miles from the rented garage, in a flat he shared with another wizard, James Something. Remus lived somewhere else altogether, somewhere he called 'home' but he never said it as if he liked it much there.

Because Remus was a wizard, he hadn't taken any driving lessons and didn't have a licence. That didn't stop him taking Minnie out almost every day, grinding her gears horribly as he drove her down London streets at top speed, squealing round corners in fourth, and generally mangling her engine half to death.

He was always being pulled up by policemen, but it was a funny thing, Minnie thought: they'd be all stroppy at first, and ask for Remus's papers, then they'd go vague and funny and smiley and wave Remus on with a flourish of their hands. Then, Sirius Black, who was often in the car with Remus, would chortle and say, 'Another memory charm, Moony? One day, somebody's going to cotton on.' And Remus would pull away from the kerb, scraping Minnie's hubcaps, and say, 'No they won't. Anyway, I don't see what's wrong with my driving.'

'Apart from everything,' Sirius muttered. But Remus didn't hear him above the dreadful whine of the clutch as he took his foot off it abruptly, causing Minnie to leap right across the road.

At weekends, Remus would sometimes drive Minnie and Sirius out to the country. Sirius used to grumble that he'd prefer to use the flying bike, and Remus would smirk and say, 'You can't do much on a bike, can you?'

And Sirius would get quite indignant, and say, 'Excuse me! Don't you remember that time I got you off eight miles over Bradford?'

'Well, Bradford,' Remus shrugged. 'That's in the north. Doesn't count.'

Though Minnie couldn't see him very clearly - her rear-view mirror was cracked, and wizard or not, Remus never got round to mending it - she got the impression that Remus gave a secret, rather shy little smile. She thought he had a nice smile. In fact, he was quite tasty, and if he'd been able to drive even half competently she might have fallen in love with him. She just hoped he treated his girlfriends better than he treated her.

Remus often had girlfriends sitting in the car with him. Sirius Black was never there on those occasions, and it was just as well. Minnie was a car of the 1970s, and didn't have any seatbelts, so sometimes the girls would actually throw up as they were bumped around the tiny front seat. One girl tried to fling herself out of the car as Remus was doing 50 in a 30 mph zone. He pulled her back with one hand, steering (sort of) with the other, and was very alarmed, until she pointed out that she was more likely to die from his driving than from the impact of a tarmac road. Usually, the girls cried, and gripped the sides of Minnie's seat so hard that they left permanent dents.

Minnie never saw the same girl twice. Which was a pity, because Remus was very nice, apart from his driving. He'd always open the doors for his girlfriends, and make sure they were comfortable before turning on the engine and wrecking the date almost before it had started.

Sirius Black may have grumbled about Remus's driving, but he was obviously a lot more courageous than the girls were, because he braved the little red car fairly often. And this was the funny thing; in spite of all the girlfriends, Minnie got the impression that Remus and Sirius really, really liked each other. They'd park - or rather, screech to a halt -- in a deserted field or a wood, and then they would lean across the gearbox, which must have been uncomfortable, and kiss.

Minnie wondered why Remus had all those girlfriends if he wanted to sit and kiss Sirius Black for sometimes a full half hour at a time.

She did once overhear an informative snippet of conversation. When they were getting into the car for their Sunday outing, Remus warned, 'Careful before you sit down. I'm not sure I got all the blood off the seat.'

'Blood? What blood?'

'Rowena. She banged her nose on the windscreen when I had to stop for that lorry at the roundabout. Bled all over the place. She wasn't very nice about it. She said I should be in jail.'

Sirius sighed. 'Poor girl! You know, Moony, you could consider taking a few lessons. At least learn where the speedometer is. And how to read it. I took lessons before I went out on the bike.'

'The bike's magic,' Remus pointed out. 'Minnie isn't. Except to me,' he cooed, stroking her steering wheel. 'I love my car.'

'More than you love any of those girls you take out in her.'

Remus looked a bit crestfallen at that. 'You know I only go out with them because my parents got so upset that I might like another guy. This way, Mum thinks she'll have a daughter-in-law someday, Dad can give me manly advice about contraceptives, and everyone's happy.'

'I'm glad we won't have a baby, anyway.' Sirius laughed so hard that he nearly fell off his seat.

'Not funny, Padfoot. You know, there are advantages to having parents who are total bastards and cut you off without a penny. At least they're not always trying to marry you off.'

Sirius was quiet then, and Remus apologetic, and when they arrived at their destination in Essex, they left Minnie at the side of the road and disappeared for what seemed like hours into Epping Forest. During that time, a traffic warden put a ticket on Minnie's windscreen, and she was worried that someone might come and tow her away, as they had once when Remus left her parked in the middle of the kerb. That was when James Something was away, and Remus and Sirius were in a hurry to get up to Sirius's flat before he came back again.

When they came back from the forest, looking as if half of it was sticking to their clothes and hair, Remus took out his wizard's wand and said 'Incendio!' and the parking ticket went up in flames. 'That was stupid,' Sirius said. 'They'll be able to track you down from Minnie's number-plate.'

'You're joking, aren't you?' Remus pointed his wand at Minnie's number-plate, changing a 74 to a 53.

After the Epping Forest day, Remus and Sirius started going out on the bike a lot more, and Minnie was very annoyed at being left in the garage alone all the time. The bike would come back smirking and say, 'You'll never guess where I've been!'

'China,' Minnie said.

'We flew all the way to Southend! I went to the beach. Sirius and Remus went swimming.'

'Good for them.' If her headlights had been eyes, Minnie would have rolled them.

Minnie was getting really fed up with the bike's boasting when suddenly the monsoon season began. It was autumn, and every day rain poured down incessantly over London. Minnie couldn't see it from where she was locked in the garage, but she could hear it pelting against the tin roof.

That weekend, for the first time for ages, Remus arrived to take Minnie out on Saturday. As he revved up, he talked to her, as he so often did. 'Have you missed me, baby? I've missed you. And Mum and Dad are starting to ask what happened to that nice girl with the blond hair. You remember, the one who filled your ashtray.'

Minnie did remember the nervous, chain-smoking girl. She had had some sympathy for her. 'Anyway, I'll have to start looking round for a girlfriend again. But right now, we're fetching Padfoot and going for a drive.'

One of the windscreen wipers wasn't working properly, so Remus cast an Impervius charm, and they drove to Sirius's flat with a suspiciously dry windscreen. Minnie felt uneasy about that. She didn't like it when Remus used magic on her. She wasn't a silly motorbike, thank you very much.

Remus and Sirius were obviously looking forward to going to Epping Forest again. Sirius actually changed into a big, black dog a couple of times during the trip, and laid his shaggy head on Remus's lap, which made Remus giggle and swerve and say, 'Gerroff, Pads, I'm trying to drive.'

It was too wet for them to get out and walk in the woods this time, so Remus drove Minnie quite a way in, making sure she was well concealed from the road. Then he and Sirius kissed for a long time, as they always did, and then they got into the back seat, which was really not big enough, because Sirius and Remus were both quite tall.

Minnie couldn't see them, but she could feel her chassis rocking - which wasn't good for it: she didn't really want twenty-two stone or so of wizard making her undercarriage creak - and she could hear some strange, wet sounds, and then some incoherent, soft murmurs, which made her feel all gooey, as if her petrol tank needed filling. Then, they were quiet for a while, and she could just see through her cracked rear view mirror that they were now sitting together on the back seat kissing again, and gazing at each other rather sappily, the way some of those girls looked at Remus but he never looked at one of them.

'You are just going to have to do it,' Sirius said, between kisses, and Remus replied, 'I already tried, Pads. Not going to try again in a hurry. We'll have to wait.'

'Wait for what? Voldemort's killing people off right, left and centre. Wait till we're dead? And what about all the Order business that's going to start now? If we're not together soon, we'll never manage it.'

'You haven't told Prongs,' Remus said.

'Oh, Moony, don't be such an idiot. Look, he's moving out on Friday, the wedding's on Saturday, you could be there by Sunday. If he can share with me, why can't you?'

'Because I made the stupid mistake of mentioning you to my parents once too often,' Remus said. Minnie thought he sounded bitter. 'So now if I say I'm going to share a flat with you, Mum will have one of her fits, and Dad will disown me - not that I'm bothered - and life will be hell.'

'But Moony, you're of age now! They can't stop you doing exactly what you like.'

'I know, Pads. I know. Drop it, will you?'

'You do love me, don't you?'

'Of course I do.' Remus said that so softly that Minnie could hardly hear him. 'It's just -they've suffered as much from the werewolf thing as me. I feel I wrecked their lives because I didn't obey Dad and stay in the house. I can't do it again, Sirius. But I will try to tell them. When they seem a bit readier to hear about it.'

After that, when Minnie squinted into her mirror again, she could see them kissing, and then they did that strange, rocking thing again, and afterwards Remus drove her home so badly, even for him, that if she'd been able to jump out of her own window she would have done so.

For the next few months, Minnie found herself parked in a variety of weird and wonderful places near Sirius Black's flat. She had her wheels clamped five times, was towed away twice more, got several tickets and was once hotwired and stolen for a weekend, then abandoned again conveniently near where Remus had left her, only parked rather more carefully this time by the car thief.

She inferred that Remus was spending a lot of time with Sirius, even if he wouldn't move in with him. He looked very happy though, and used to sing at the wheel, which didn't help his concentration. But Minnie was pleased that he wasn't strained and miserable as he was sometimes when he hadn't seen Sirius for a while, and glad that James Something was no longer on the scene.

During this period, the amount of girls in the car also increased. Remus must have had a date every night, sometimes two. Minnie privately thought that if she were his mother, she'd worry more about the number of girls he seemed to be getting through than about Sirius. But she wasn't, so she didn't.

Remus got into the habit of fetching a girl, driving to Sirius's flat, and then banging his head dramatically against the wheel and crying, 'Oh, no! I'm sorry, Jane (or Mary or Anne), I completely forgot that I promised to visit a sick friend in hospital.' As the girls had experienced several miles in Minnie by then, most of them were quite willing to abandon their evening out and go home in a cab, which Remus always paid for. He would then leave Minnie, go up to Sirius's and come back around midnight, humming to himself and generally in a very good mood.

It was an idyllic period in Minnie's life. Once, Remus picked up Sirius and they went to a big white building in the middle of the city. Sirius was holding a bunch of flowers on his knee and babbling happily about babies and godfathers. Minnie thought Remus was a bit quiet, and he even drove rather more carefully than usual.

When they came out to the car park later, they sat in Minnie for a while, and kissed, but not a lot because Remus said it was a public place. Sirius said something that sounded like 'Bugger that' and kissed Remus some more, but Remus pulled away.

'So, any news on the moving in front?' Sirius asked.

'Well, he's out of hospital now. But he's supposed to be avoiding stress.'

'Remus, this is your fucking life! Your Dad's had his. It's hardly your fault if he has a weak heart.'

'That's not what my mother says,' Remus said, in a rather sad voice. 'It's always my fault. She never stops reminding me that he had the first attack when I told them I was really going to leave home that time.'

'Well, if you do move out, it'll save me a lot of stress. I mean, sod this, Moony. You're like a middle-aged spinster looking after her sick parents and waiting for them to die before she can get round to existing.'

'That is so unfair, Sirius! I am practically living with you. I'm at your place half the time anyway.'

'So why not the other half? It's just such a pain when we've been together for a couple of hours or days and then you announce you have to go and I don't see you again for a week.'

That was unfair, Minnie knew, because Remus never went more than three days without going to Sirius's flat. But she sympathised: she knew how miserable she'd felt the summer before, stuck in the garage with Remus never turning up to take her out.

She didn't find out anything more about Remus's father, but for a few weeks they didn't go to see Sirius very often, and Remus looked vague and unhappy, and sometimes didn't even bother to change gear at all but drove her everywhere in second, which didn't do much for her already abused system. 'Why're you whining, baby?' he sometimes asked, concerned. Then, he'd grumble, 'Wish you'd just shut up, Minnie. You sound like I feel.'

At the end of September, Remus picked up Minnie early in the afternoon, drove her purposefully to Sirius's flat and left her virtually on the doorstep. He went upstairs - Minnie could just see him through the entrance doors - and didn't emerge for six days. During that time, Minnie was clamped again, and Remus had to pay a lot of money to get the clamp removed.

After that, things settled down, and Remus started to sing in the car again, and bought a set of fluffy dice to hang over Minnie's mirror. Sirius scoffed at them, and Remus was quite offended and said they were only meant for a joke anyway. Minnie found them garish and vulgar, but she had very little say, so they stayed.

One weekend, just before Christmas, Remus and Sirius took her shopping. Cars, Christmas and London were not three elements that went together very well, especially with Remus at the wheel, but his lack of concern over where he parked was a big plus. He left Minnie outside Harrods, in the spaces reserved for taxis, and he and Sirius disappeared into the store for a few hours. While they were gone, a gang of youths broke into Minnie - not too difficult, as Remus never bothered to lock her - and stole the fluffy dice. Minnie was happy after that, and felt it had been a good day.

Sirius emerged from Harrods with his arms full of stuffed toys and children's games, babbling about Harry's first Christmas and how exciting it would be. Remus hadn't got any shopping at all and looked amused.

'I can't believe you couldn't find anything he'd like, Moony!' Sirius said, dumping his armful of soft doggies and tigers and bunnies into the boot.

'I did, Pads. But then you bought it. Every single time.'

'Well, these can be joint presents, then. It's time Prongs and Lily started to get some idea of what our relationship is.'

Remus's big smile faded. 'Sirius, I'm not sure. Everything's so weird at the moment.'

'Okay, Moony, what's with you? First, Prongs is living in the flat too, so all right, I agree, that might have been a bad idea, having you come along and share with me. Then, when he leaves, you can't move because your parents would freak out if you made it really a hundred percent clear that you and I are a couple. Next, your Dad's dying, so you have to stay for your Mum's sake. Now, your Dad's better, the wizarding world could end tomorrow and you won't let me give joint presents from us to Harry! What's your fucking problem? Are you ashamed of me or something?'

Minnie had never heard Sirius so angry, and she thought that Remus probably hadn't either. 'I didn't mean it like that, Pads. It's just - well, Prongs. I really don't think he needs to know.'

Sirius thought for a moment, then said, 'You're probably right. Let's just split the presents, then.'

Remus laughed and said, 'You mean cut the teddy in half?'

Sirius laughed too, and then they kissed. Which, Minnie felt, wasn't a brilliant idea, because they were standing beside her - and she was illegally parked -- in full view of the crowds pouring in and out of the store, and their little scene had already attracted a fair amount of curiosity. When they put their arms around each other, people gasped, and a policeman appeared from nowhere, tapped Remus on the shoulder and said, 'Scuse me, lads, would you mind taking that somewhere a bit more private?'

Which they did, using Minnie to get across rush-hour London in about five minutes flat. Minnie was sure Remus must have used some sort of magic, as she seemed almost to glide through the traffic, which was totally unlike his usual driving style.

In the new year, Minnie suddenly found herself neglected again. Remus used her a couple of times to get to something called Order Meetings, then he and Sirius, after one of their kissing sessions, agreed that it would be better to Apparate in future. Minnie thought that sounded a really stupid thing to do.

Minnie's life became unpredictable. She was stuck in the garage for long periods, though the flying bike was taken out quite regularly, which she resented. When she did see Remus, he seemed subdued and quiet, but not in the same way he was when he and Sirius weren't getting on. When they sat in the front seat together, they rarely kissed any more. But they both had something about them, a sort of fiery resolve, and Minnie understood they were on a crusade to save the world. That sounded good to her, but she wished they would hurry up and do it so life could get back to normal and Remus would take her out regularly again. Or at least leave her outside the flat, where there were always other cars to talk to. The bike was a bit boring after a while.

Her wish came true at the beginning of summer, when Remus fetched her and drove her somewhere she hadn't been before, which she assumed was his parents' house. He fetched a case and a few carrier bags and dumped them all in the back seat. His parents didn't appear, to Minnie's disappointment. But Remus did tell her the news, as he was so excited he had to talk to someone.

'It's the great escape, Minnie! I'm going to live with Sirius. My Mum is furious, but she'll get over it. She and Dad are off on a cruise for a couple of weeks, so they'll have time to adjust to life without their ickle boy.' He stayed in the right gear all the way to Sirius's flat, and again parked Minnie directly outside, so close this time that her bumper was almost touching the wall of the building.

For a couple of months, Minnie stayed pretty well where she was; she would move if Remus used her to go out at weekends, which he still sometimes did, but he always put her back in roughly the same place. She wondered if he or Sirius had cast some sort of Invisibility Charm on her, because no traffic wardens came near her in all that time, and not one person tried to steal her again. That may have been because she was definitely looking a bit tatty, but she thought that tattiness was usually quite desirable to car thieves.

Minnie may have been invisible, but she could keep an eye on Remus and Sirius's comings and goings. For two people who were living together, they didn't see much of each other. They were always rushing out somewhere, usually separately, and when Remus didn't drive her for days on end it wasn't because he was holed up with Sirius but because he was away on some mission. He'd occasionally talk to her about it, but never when Sirius was in the car.

'Romania, Minnie. Vampires. It was awful. You wouldn't believe it's summer there too. And I can't even tell Sirius about it, because none of us are allowed to let anyone else know what we're doing. It's mad. At least I get a day off after the transformations.'

Minnie didn't have a clue what the transformations were, but they sounded quite exciting.

'I saw more of him before we were living together,' Remus also confided in her. 'We hardly even sleep together any more, because we never seem to be in the flat at the same time. I miss him so much.' He suddenly sounded very young, and Minnie felt sorry for him.

One morning at the beginning of autumn she was sitting outside as usual, half asleep, because the traffic was very light by London standards at that time of day. Remus suddenly appeared behind her, and she assumed he must have done his Apparating thing. He looked upset. He went through the double doors, and Minnie could see him rushing up the stairs, two at a time, to his and Sirius's flat. He came down again about twenty minutes later, looking white and shaken. He didn't even say 'Hello' to Minnie as he usually did, but got in, slammed the door, and took off down the road and round Hyde Park Corner so fast that Minnie would have sworn she covered half the distance on just two wheels.

The next day, Minnie was left in the garage with the flying bike: the bike grumbled that it hadn't been out for ages. Minnie decided it was being even more boring than usual, and went into a sulk and refused to talk to it.

For a couple of weeks, both vehicles sat quietly in the garage, until there was the familiar sound of the key in the lock. Minnie perked up immediately, but it wasn't Remus, and Sirius didn't even glance at her. He wheeled his flying bike out of the garage, and closed the door behind them. It had a final, desolate sound that filled Minnie with apprehension. Though the bike was a pain, at least it was company.

Left on her own, Minnie began to worry that Remus might be ill. Maybe Sirius had sold his bike to get Remus some medicine. Then, she got angry with Remus. How dare he treat her like a piece of junk? Didn't she have feelings too? After that, she began to worry, more prosaically, that if he ever did try to drive her again her battery would be flat. She waited for the bike to come back so she could ignore it, but the space beside her remained empty.

Minnie had lost track of time quite a while before the November night when the garage door opened again at last, though the sound was somehow ominous after the long silence. This time, though, it really was Remus. He tried to unlock Minnie's door, then remembered it wasn't locked anyway, and got in, sat down in the driver's seat and slammed the door. 'How're you, dear old friend?' he slurred, and Minnie could tell by his voice and the heavy stench of whisky that he was very drunk indeed. She hoped he wasn't going to try to drive her.

He didn't immediately. First, he took a bottle out of his pocket and had a swig. Then, he staggered out of Minnie, pulled up her bonnet and waved his wand. Minnie felt a little tingle as her battery recharged. She was relieved when he slammed the bonnet down again; she didn't like a drunken Remus wielding his wand near her.

But she wasn't so relieved when Remus, who was now giggling like a maniac, turned the key and her beleaguered engine sputtered to life. 'That's my girl,' he said. 'Better'n a guy. Girl won't let you down. Not my Minnie, no. Poor baby, so alone.'

He reversed out of the garage - Minnie had no idea how he managed it - then continued to back down the road. Minnie squealed.

'Oh, sorry, sorry. Wanna go forward now, right?' He crunched into first, then second, then straight into third. 'Way to go, Minnie. Good girl. Good car. We had some great times, didn't we?'

Minnie felt something wet splash on to her steering wheel and realised that Remus was crying, great drunken tears, and sobbing so heartbreakingly that her engine throbbed in sympathy. 'They're all dead, Minnie. All gone.'

Minnie was so shocked to hear Sirius was dead that she actually stalled, then kangarooed forward as Remus turned the engine on again. 'Well, he's not dead,' he said, almost as if he could read Minnie's mind; suddenly switching to a perfectly ordinary, conversational tone, neither crying nor laughing, he added, 'But he might's well be. Bastard. Bastard.' And he pressed his foot so hard on the accelerator that Minnie wondered for a wild moment whether he had put a flying charm on her like Sirius had put on his motorcycle.

She never even saw the wall; Remus had forgotten to switch her headlights on, and he never saw it either. Without a seatbelt, he was thrown clear just before the impact, and ended up bruised and shocked, but not actually hurt. He didn't have any insurance, of course, and the authorities later found it impossible to trace Minnie's owner, because she wasn't registered: it wouldn't have been much use anyway, as her plates were always changing.

Minnie fared badly in the crash. Her entire bonnet was crushed, her front wheels were skewed, her body concertinaed so extensively that the RAC team, who arrived at the scene of the accident with the ambulance and the police, decided she couldn't be salvaged. She was so severely injured that she didn't once regain consciousness on the long, bumpy ride to the scrap-yard.

End