Beauty and the Beast

Beauty and the Beast

By Minnow

Once upon a time, there was a beautiful boy called Sirius Black.

He had hair as dark as the raven's wing, skin as white as snow, lips as red as the roses that bloom in summer gardens. He was, in short, damn hot, and every girl in school lusted after him.

Beautiful Sirius had three friends, James, Peter and Remus. The first two were quite normal - apart from being magicians and able to do spells to turn books into blankets and mice into tapioca - but the third one was a bit odd.

A bit beastly, really. Every month, Remus would be locked away and his bones would crack and stretch and his small, even teeth would become great fangs, and his pale, smooth skin would be covered in honey-coloured fur. Then, he would snarl and rip at his body with his sharp claws, and end up a mass of scars and blood and horrible, nasty things that have no place in a nice little fairytale.

Fortunately, there were plenty of wizards and witches at the school the four boys attended, so the wolf boy would always be healed and sent on his way to play with his friends again.

Sirius Black was ingenious as well as beautiful. Because he was fond of Remus, the wolf boy - who was also rather beautiful when he wasn't being a wolf - he decided that he, James and Peter would become animals every month to keep Remus company and stop him tearing himself to shreds.

So at the full moon, Remus would turn into a wolf, and his friends would turn into a dog, a stag and a rat.

Sirius was a beautiful boy, but he wasn't quite as beautiful as a dog. He was actually rather a messy, mongrel-y sort of dog, the sort that self-respecting bitches turn up their noses at. In fact, when Remus was being a wolf he was rather disappointed that his beautiful friend was so mangy and had fleas, and probably worms. Remus liked to look at Sirius, to drink in his high cheekbones and warm smile and the way his hair fell just so across his forehead. He liked the dog fine, but it didn't inspire any strange urges in him the way the boy did.

The dog, though, thought the wolf was very attractive, with its thick fur and plumy tail and golden eyes. Even though both the dog and wolf were male, the dog would gladly have given the wolf the time of day, especially after being sneered at by the bitches and all. If a poodle turns you down, it doesn't do wonders for your confidence.

Yes, the wolf definitely had animal magnetism, the dog decided.

Strangely, even when he wasn't a dog, Sirius sometimes thought, just in a fleeting sort of way, that Remus in non-wolf form also had animal magnetism. Sirius Black, the Beauty of the title, often sneaked looks at Remus in class, and had been known to completely mess up a cooling charm when he was gazing across at his friend, and produce instead a warming charm so hot that it set the desk on fire.

Though the dog wasn't allowed too near the wolf, it usually curled up with the boy when he had transformed back into Remus again. It liked to lick him and cuddle up to him and pant, as dogs do. And though Remus didn't exactly fancy the dog at any time he did put his arms around it and tickle it behind the ears and under the chin. The dog reacted quite happily to those caresses, often transforming back into Sirius so he could enjoy them in human form.

Because all the girls adored Sirius -- he wasn't only handsome but heir to a great kingdom -- he naturally had a girlfriend. Her name was Goldilocks, and she might have been better off with Remus, because she was used to dealing with wild animals. Not that Sirius could be much better sometimes. He had quite a hot temper, and he often got irritable with his girlfriends, for no particular reason. Goldilocks had a tendency to play with her long, fair hair and this annoyed Sirius no end. He also got annoyed when she was early for dates, late for dates or on time for dates. He hated it when she took his hand in front of his friends. He quite liked it when she kissed him, but she didn't kiss him that often, because she was saving herself for marriage.

Remus didn't have a girlfriend, on account of his wolf problem, so Sirius felt extremely sorry for him. He wanted Remus to feel that Goldilocks was his girlfriend too. They discussed her quite happily, and Sirius was pleased that Remus could at least have a share in her. It worked out well, because Remus seemed to have an uncanny instinct for what would please a girl. When Goldilocks was ill, Remus advised, 'Bring her a bowl of porridge. Just the thing when you're feeling sick. She'll love it. But make sure it's not too hot or too cold.'

She did love it, and she gave Sirius a fairly passionate kiss that tasted of porridge, sugar and milk, all pleasant tastes though nowhere near as delicious in a kiss. In fact, Sirius was quite cross with her, as so often happened, and advised her to go and clean her teeth before she came anywhere near him again.

After the subsequent row, Sirius went running back to Remus, in great distress, and Remus stroked his head and soothed him, and said, 'There are plenty of other girls. How about Rose Red? She's really pretty.'

'I don't like Rose Red,' Sirius muttered. 'There's all sorts of rumours about her.'

'Well, then. At least she'll kiss you, won't she?'

'Not after she's been eating porridge, I hope.'

Remus laughed. 'Rose Red hates porridge. You'll have to give her some fancy Honeydukes chocolates.'

Sirius decided that he mightn't mind kissing someone after they'd been eating chocolate. Remus, for instance, ate a lot of chocolate, and Sirius sometimes thought that if Remus had a girlfriend she would probably enjoy kissing him lots, and maybe even taking a piece of chocolate from between his lips and sucking it slowly in her own mouth and then kissing Remus again. Sirius felt a bit sad that this scenario, which appealed to him greatly for some reason, would never materialise while Remus only ever had half a girlfriend.

Sirius asked Rose Red out after the next full moon. He and the wolf enjoyed that full moon very much, playing with the stag and the rat and chasing each other and nuzzling each other and biting each other and rolling round in the dirt with each other, and bounding towards each other as fast as possible then leaping up and touching paws in mid-air.

Emboldened by these adventures, and feeling afterwards that he rather needed to kiss someone, Sirius approached Rose Red with an invitation to the Quidditch match that afternoon, and of course she accepted, because Sirius was such a heartthrob. She even swooned a bit, and let him kiss her for a few minutes before breaking away. Sirius enjoyed kissing her but found it strangely unsatisfying, so he wandered around for a while then went up to see Remus, who was in the Hospital Wing sleeping off the night before and having a couple of minor cuts and bruises treated.

Remus had just woken, and he perked up at once when he saw his beautiful friend bounding up to his bed with a big smile. Sirius sat on the chair beside the bed, but that was uncomfortable, so he sat on the bed, and then decided he wanted to lie on the bed beside Remus and tell him all about the projected date with Rose Red.

'You mustn't be late,' Remus warned. 'The match starts at four, doesn't it?'

So Sirius rather reluctantly got off Remus's bed, making a bit of a fuss about it, and managed to get entangled with sheets and blankets and even parts of Remus on the way. Remus grumbled, but he was slightly flushed by the time Sirius had actually managed to stand up and make his way out of the infirmary.

The date went very well indeed. Unlike Goldilocks, Rose Red was a passionate witch who knew just what she wanted, and what she wanted was Sirius Black. James, who was actually Sirius's best friend but could never help with girl problems like Remus could, gave Sirius the thumbs-up and winked at him when he saw him sitting in the Quidditch stand with his new girlfriend.

Gryffindor won the match by hundreds and hundreds of points - Rose Red was a Ravenclaw, but luckily the opposing team was Hufflepuff - so Sirius and James and Peter were as happy as could be. 'Let's go and tell Remus,' Sirius carolled, putting one arm round Rose Red and linking the other through James's arm and steering them towards the infirmary.

Unfortunately, Remus had been sent back to Gryffindor Tower, where Rose Red was not allowed to go, as a Ravenclaw, so Sirius was suddenly a bit pissed off, and snapped at Rose Red for leaning against him just because he had an arm around her. Rose Red wasn't quite as sensitive as Goldilocks, though, and she was able to focus quite narrowly when she wanted a boy in her bed - or an alternative location, because boys weren't allowed in the girls' dormitories. So she shrugged off his whining and gave him a seductive smile and said, 'Come with me for a walk to the History of Magic Section in the library.'

'But nobody ever goes there,' Sirius objected.

'Exactly.' She gave him a sultry glance from between her long lashes and rubbed her rather gorgeous bosom discreetly against his arm.

'Oh, I see,' stuttered Sirius, feeling his face burning.

Rose Red thought, privately, that Sirius didn't look so good when his face was red, because that sort of very pale skin had its own quasi-vampiric charm. Well, she may have had nymphomaniacal tendencies, but she was a Ravenclaw and knew all about dark creatures and how they functioned. Fortunately for Sirius, the blush soon subsided and he was his usual totally gorgeous and sexy self again.

Rose Red took him by the hand and led him to the library. The History of Magic section was full of huge, dusty books with gold-tooled bindings and always smelled even mustier than the rest of the library.

Though she could be subtle, Rose Red was perhaps a bit carried away at being in a secluded place on her own with the hottest boy at Hogwarts, because instead of trying to give Sirius the impression that he was in charge of the action, she immediately flew at him and flung her arms around his neck, this time positioning her bosom more strategically right against his chest. She placed her lovely red lips against his lovely red lips and opened her mouth a tiny bit.

'Oi, hang on a second,' objected Sirius, pushing her away and actually wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. She may be pretty and have hair as black as his -- if not quite as luxuriant and silky -- but no girl leaped on Sirius Black without being asked first. Without begging to be asked, preferably. Even Goldilocks had begged once or twice.

Rose Red was quite upset, mainly because she really, really fancied Sirius and had sat through the whole of the Quidditch match in expectation of a good snog with him afterwards. They could save full-on sex for the second date if he was bashful, she reasoned. Of course, she hadn't factored in that there mightn't be a second date.

Sirius himself was too affronted even to wait for her to follow him out of the library. He ran down the steps two by two, and sprinted up the flight of stairs to the Gryffindor tower, and went to find Remus to tell him what had happened.

Remus was in the common room sitting by the fire and catching up with a Defence against the Dark Arts essay. He had drawn a diagram of a Grindylow and was describing in great detail, with copious examples, how to overcome it. Sirius grabbed him by the arm, causing him to blot his diagram a bit, and dragged him up to the dorm, too upset to speak at first. He was so miserable that Remus didn't even scold him for wrecking his perfect homework. They sat on Sirius's bed, and Sirius launched into a tirade about how Rose Red had practically raped him.

'She - she rubbed her breasts against me, Moony,' he gasped, his superb, black-fringed, grey eyes wide with anguish at the memory.

Remus tried hard not to snicker. 'Isn't that what you wanted her to do?' he asked.

'Well - not like that.'

'Why don't you show me what she did, and I'll tell you if you're being unfair to the poor girl,' Remus suggested.

'Well, she got right up close like this,' Sirius said, leaning in toward Remus. 'And then she pressed her chest against me like this - '

'Okay, I get it. And then?'

'She put her arms round me, like this.' He flung his arms round his friend's neck, pulling him closer in order to demonstrate the final indignity quite clearly. 'Then, she put her mouth on mine and opened it a bit. Like this.' He put his mouth on Remus's and opened it a bit.

A few minutes later he reflected that Remus's mouth didn't taste of chocolate at all, but of nice, minty toothpaste, as if Remus had just cleaned his teeth in anticipation of all the homework he had to do, not to mention his friend coming back from a hot date.

Remus's face was impassive. 'And what did she do next?'

Sirius gave his biggest, happiest smile, the one that rendered his already beautiful face so transcendentally lovely that it would make the angels weep. 'Well. Then, she stripped off her robes, and her dress too. And she pulled off all my clothes, but I'll do that myself so we can save time. She threw me to the bed and then she ravished me.'

Remus, flat on his back looking up directly into Sirius's eyes, gasped, 'Hang on. I thought you were in the library.'

'There was a bed in the library,' Sirius improvised. 'Come on, open your mouth again and I'll show you properly.' But first, he sat up and firmly closed the curtains around his bed, because James and Peter would not have understood that their two mates were simply re-enacting Sirius's traumatic experience.

Another while later, when Sirius had shown Remus exactly how Rose Red had ravished him, and Remus had given a repeat performance to check that he understood fully what Rose Red had done, they lay in a horrible tangle of bedclothes yet again.

'You know,' Remus said thoughtfully, 'if you did want another girlfriend, I've heard that Riding Hood is quite sweet.'

'I think I'll stick with the wolf,' Sirius teased, nibbling Remus's neck and sucking at his collarbone and generally behaving a little bit more like a dog than a boy. But as he was, after all, in his beautiful Sirius form, Remus didn't mind one bit.

It hardly seems necessary to add that our Beauty and his Beast lived happily ever after.

Or perhaps not quite...

End