If They Were Me and I Was You

Author's Notes: Thanks to Ladyblack for the beta. Title nicked from the song, Happy Birthday by Altered States. Written in honour of Remus Lupin's birthday, March 10, 2006.

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"Nicking my fags again, Moony?"

Remus ignored him, leaning against the parapet and continuing to look out through the crenulations at the dark blur on the southern horizon, distinguishable from the pitch-black sky only by the lack of stars. The bright first quarter moon had already disappeared behind the high crags to the west, but his tension had not been eased. He lifted his hand, closing his lips around the cigarette, the paper warm and slightly damp. The tip flared bright orange for a moment, and he exhaled slowly, the smoke mixing with the misty vapours from his breath in the chill air.

"Clear night for a change. Sinistra must be happy," Sirius said coming up beside him, tilting his chin in the direction of the Astronomy Tower on the far side of the castle. "Ickle Firsties probably freezing their bollocks off up there. Give us a drag, yeah?"

Remus handed over the cigarette without turning his head, and reached under the blanket draped over his shoulders to his night shirt pocket for another one. It lit automatically when he placed it to his lips, and he inhaled deeply, closing his eyes to better feel the heady rush.

"Nasty habit, or so you always tell me," Sirius said, his voice low and almost too close.

"What do you want, Sirius?"

"Do I always have to want something?"

Remus took another drag, not replying.

"Maybe I just wanted a smoke."

An owl flew by and hooted, shadowy wings rustling softly as it angled over their heads and disappeared towards the Owlery.

"All right. Fine. I was looking for you. You weren't in your bed."

"Did I leave a note asking you to look for me?"

Sirius snorted. "Don't be such a prat."

Remus sighed and flicked the half-smoked cigarette into the darkness.

"Well, you found me and you've had a smoke. You can sod off now."

"Don't f-feel like it," Sirius replied.

Hearing him stutter, Remus finally turned to face his friend and shook his head in exasperation. "Out here in pyjamas? You daft bastard. You'll freeze your own bollocks off long before the First Years. Not even a bloody cloak. Arse."

"You've got pyjamas on."

"I have a sodding blanket, you tosser."

"M'not cold," Sirius replied, tossing the smouldering butt-end over the side of the balcony, and crossing his arms across his chest.

"You're a pathetic liar," Remus grumbled. Stubborn bastard. Let him freeze then. "If I'd wanted company, I would have asked."

"No, you wouldn't've. You never do."

"I don't feel like talking."

"So don't talk then."

"Then stop bloody talking to me!"

"Fine."

"Fine!"

Remus turned away and resumed his staring out towards the horizon. He usually loved the view from this small balcony. They'd only found it a few months ago, and had been surprised when it had shown up all on its own when they'd magically mapped the whole of Gryffindor Tower. A trap door in the wall of their bath. He'd often wondered how long it had lain here undisturbed, unknown and unused by the hundreds and thousands of students over the centuries.

The stars were distracting him with their incessant twinkling. Stupid Canis Major, pining away at Orion's heels. He could hear Sirius breathing and shivering behind him, and that was even more distracting than the bloody stars. One Sirius winking and burning in front of him, another shuffling and freezing his bollocks off behind him. Bloody dogs.

"You're not going to go away, are you?"

"Thought you didn't feel like talking."

"Just shut up and get over here."

"But-"

"Shut up, all right?" Grudgingly he unfolded the blanket from around his shoulders as Sirius came up behind him. "Get under."

Instead, Sirius took the blanket and swirled it around his own shoulders, wrapping his arms and the blanket around Remus and holding him close against his chest. Remus sighed and leaned back into the embrace.

"You're so infuriating, you know that?"

Sirius nuzzled his ear and planted a soft kiss to his temple. "Of course I know. And not only do you expect it, you like it."

"I do, huh?"

"Yes."

"Rather full of yourself, aren't you?"

"That, too."

Remus sighed. "Stop being so damned agreeable. I just wanted to be alone."

"No, you didn't."

"What? So now you're going to be disagreeable?"

"Moony, if you really didn't want me to find you, you'd have gone somewhere I couldn't. You knew this was the first place I'd look."

Damn him. "My life would be so much easier if I could hate you."

"Easy is boring."

"I just... Nothing in my life is easy. Ever. Not one blasted thing."

"No. And don't think I don't know that. I certainly haven't made it any easier for you," Sirius said quietly, stiffening and pulling back. The 'incident' of barely two months ago was still a sore topic for him, despite Remus' insistence on absolution. Two black eyes, a broken nose and a dislocated jaw seemed far too small and modest a price, though it hadn't stopped him from taking full advantage of Remus' generosity in more ways than one.

"Sirius, don't. Okay? I didn't mean that." He reached up and grasped Sirius' hands under the blanket, feeling him exhale slowly and relax. He squeezed his hands and pressed back against him, and Sirius tightened his arms around him in response, sighing softly.

"Did you really want to be alone then?"

"No. I suppose not."

Sirius grunted and leaned forward, resting his chin on Remus' shoulder. "It's past midnight, you know."

"Hmph."

"Happy Birthday, Moony," Sirius whispered.

"Not particularly."

"You're seventeen now. Of age. Legal. What's wrong with that?"

"Everything. Nothing. I'm an adult now. My parents are no longer responsible for me."

"They're not going to toss you out on your arse. They're not like my family."

"I know. That's not what I meant. It's... Until today, they were responsible for me, not only as a minor, but as a werewolf. Accountable for my actions or any transgressions I might have made. If anything... they'd have been punished along with me."

Sirius stood up abruptly. "You never told me that."

"I know," Remus said softly. "I also asked Dumbledore not to tell you. I didn't want you to feel-"

"Oh, God... I..."

The blanket fell from Sirius' fingers and slithered down to the stone floor. Remus turned as the pocket of warmth dissolved, grabbing him by his shoulders and pulling him close.

"Don't. Please don't," he murmured as Sirius struggled to pull away.

"Damn it, Remus. You should have told me!"

"What good would it have done? Sirius, stop. Listen, all right? This isn't about you."

"Fine," he huffed, turning his face away.

"Look. I have to go to the Ministry tomorrow. Dumbledore's arranged it so I can go in secret. After hours. Wouldn't do for me to be seen walking into the Werewolf Registry and all."

Sirius grunted, still not looking at him. Remus reached up and grasped his chin, gently but firmly turning his head to face him. Sirius refused to look him in the eye. Remus sighed and dropped his hand.

"I told my parents not to come. My dad hates that place, and I don't trust him not to make a scene - you know how he is. And my mum, well... Last thing I need is for her to start hugging me, all tearful and weepy like I'm four years old again.

"Dumbledore offered to go with me, but I told him I didn't need a chaperone. I'm seventeen now. A man in the eyes of the law." He snorted. "I'm supposed to be able to do this by myself, chin up and all that rot.

"Hell, I'm a bloody Gryffindor. We're supposed to be brave - more courage than common sense. Well, fuck that. You know what? I'm afraid to go alone. I'm a fucking coward, Sirius, and I hate myself for it."

Sirius stared at him in astonishment, jaw working furiously, but no words were forthcoming.

"Sirius?"

Sirius reached over and grabbed the pack of fags from Remus' pocket. He fumbled one out from the pack, ignoring the two that dropped to the floor in the process, and inhaled deeply as it lit. He exhaled and opened his mouth as if to speak, and took another deep drag instead, choking a bit.

"I don't understand you at all, you know that? I thought I did. Well, no, I just amused myself in thinking I did." Sirius paced along the parapet, waving his arms and muttering under his breath, heedless of the cigarettes falling from the pack in his hand as they scattered aimlessly on the floor. He lifted his hand to take another drag, obviously thought better of it and tossed it over the side instead.

"You," he said, turning to point his finger at Remus and glaring. "Don't give me this 'I'm a coward' shite. I see what it's like for you every damn month. Coward my arse! Do you want to know what I told James, that first time we were with you for the moon? We were walking back from the shack, and I told him if it were me, I'd have fucking killed myself years ago. And when we got back to the dormitory? I cast a bloody silencing spell around my bed and cried myself to sleep like a fucking snivelling sprog. I never cry, Remus. Never!

"If you so much as think the word coward again, I swear, Moony, I'll beat the bloody piss out of you!"

"And then what do I do?" He threw his hands in the air in futility, then dropped them, clenching his fists instead, and resumed pacing. "Fuck me! I fucking betray you to bloody fucking Severus Snape! And not only did I risk buggering up your life, but your parents' lives, too."

He looked down at the crushed and empty pack of fags in his hand and threw it aside in disgust. "What the fuck are you doing with me? I'm an absolute cock-up! Sure, I'm a bloody great shag, but that doesn't even begin to make up for the fact that I'm a completely shameless bastard. You were more right than wrong when you said your life would be easier if you hated me."

He walked up to Remus and grasped him by the shoulders, shaking him. "Sod this for a lark! How the fuck could you forgive me? Hell, I wouldn't have forgiven me if I were you."

"Stop bloody shaking me," Remus fumed, pushing him away. "You always make this about you. I fucking hate it when you do that."

"It's about why the fuck you forgave me. How is that about me? You're the fucking martyr," Sirius spat.

"Oh yes. Poor suffering Remus, that pitiable creature. Inhuman freak of nature and a bloody pervert to boot. Put that on a bloody chocolate frog card."

Sirius smacked him across his cheek. "Fuck you! If that's what you think I- You stupid fucking twat. Just say it! Fucking tell me you hate me already."

Stunned at first by the stinging slap, Remus had only stared, wide eyed. Now he stepped back, raising his hand to his cheek, fingers ghosting over his skin, and he smirked. "You hit like a girl."

"You- I-" Sirius was plainly furious, and Remus grinned to see it.

"You're such a stupid arse. I don't hate you."

"Hit like a girl, do I?" Sirius' hands clenched into fists and he took a step forward, menacing. "I'll wipe that bloody grin off your face for you, Lupin."

"I love you, you idiot."

Sirius' eyes widened in surprise, his mouth gaping as his knees buckled mid-step, and he fell flat on his arse.

"Not exactly the reaction I'd imagined," Remus murmured, frowning as he watched Sirius rocking back and forth on the stone floor, flailing and gasping and wheezing like a beached fish. He was beginning to get a bit worried, wondering whether or not he should fetch James or perhaps Madam Pomfrey when Sirius lunged at him, wrapping his arms around Remus' legs and pulling him down on top of him.

"Ouch! Stupid bastard," Remus shouted, spitting out a mouthful of hair and trying to reach down to rub his aching knee. "What the hell-"

He was cut off in mid-sentence by Sirius' mouth, which had somehow managed to find his amidst the tangle of sprawled limbs, and was currently in the process of sucking all of the air out of his lungs.

"G'roff. Can't. Breathe. Christ," he muttered as Sirius rolled them both over in a fresh assault, and his bare skin came in contact with the freezing stone floor. But Sirius' tongue had worked its way between his lips, and his mouth was warm and wet and very inviting. He wriggled his body, trying to dislodge Sirius' elbow from where it was wedged into his side, only to discover that something else was digging into his side a bit lower down.

He felt Sirius shift above him, a hand tugging on his pyjama bottoms, freeing his cock, a sudden shock of icy air, and ohhh... A rough tickle of coarse hair, smooth, hard, hot skin rubbing and sliding against his own, damp and musky, their bodies thrusting, desperate with need and heedless of the cold surrounding them. Hands grasping and grabbing, tongues slick and wet, a sharp nip of teeth on kiss-swollen lips. Sirius inhaled sharply and groaned when Remus clutched at his arse and squeezed, but didn't falter in their frantic pace.

It was over much too quickly, both of them breathing heavily, spent and sated, yet unwilling to stop kissing just yet. Remus smiled as Sirius continued to plant soft, sloppy kisses along his jaw, pausing to lick that spot just there under his chin, moving up to mouth gently over his cheek where he'd slapped him, then returning to suck on his lower lip in a most uncharacteristic display of tenderness. He'd almost managed to forget about the earlier row.

"You stupid, stupid daft bugger," Sirius whispered between kisses. "My arse is bruised - think I chipped my tailbone - and I won't be able to sit for a week, and it's your entire bloody fault."

"I do hope it turns a nice shade of purplish-blue. It'll look pretty against your skin. Match your hair nicely, too. Might have to take pictures. For posterity and all."

"Smarmy bastard."

"Absolutely. James can transfigure you a nice pretty donut cushion, too."

"Sod James. I'll transfigure one myself before I trust anything of his near my arse."

"And I suppose it also means I'll have to bottom, then," Remus sighed. "Torturous. The things I suffer for you."

"Ingrate."

"Always."

"Remus?"

"Mmm?"

"You love me."

"Yes."

"Don't take this the wrong way, but why?"

Remus laughed and kissed him on the tip of his nose. "I just do. And it has nothing to do with your self-proclaimed prowess in bed either - and really, Padfoot. A great shag? You really are full of yourself."

"S'truth and you know it. You and that lovely nasty, dirty mouth of yours."

"And you love that dirty mouth of mine when it's wrapped tight around your cock, don't you? Ha! I can feel that! Who's the bloody great shag now?

"You are a bloody pervert, and lucky me for it. Wouldn't have you any other way."

"And don't you forget it."

"Not likely. Moony? I'm going with you tomorrow."

"You don't have to."

"I know. I want to."

"I don't need a chaperone."

"M'not- " Sirius sighed in exasperation. "How 'bout a friend? Maybe you could use one of those?"

"Maybe."

"Maybe my arse. Don't argue with me. Done enough of that already for one night - not that I didn't enjoy it."

"Pervert. Yeah, all right."

"Good. Can we go inside now? My purple arse is turning blue, and my bollocks are nearly frozen solid.

"Mmm. Like a popsicle." Remus licked his lips and smirked.

"Right. That does it. Inside. Now!"

"Ooh. Happy birthday to me."