To Love You is a Sin I Hold Dearly to my Heart

In your mind you have been creating wonderful things Severus. In your head you see this wonderful life. You hold a beautiful and intelligent woman in your arms late at night after your children fall to sleep. You can feel her soft skin, smell her vanilla scent. But Severus, Oh Severus. She is not there.

She lies in my arms, warm and protected and loved. She lies in my arms as you once did for a very short time. I care for her, and pull her to my chest as I once did for you. I love her as much as I once loved you, but when I hold her in my arms knowing another man loves this woman, I feel guilty.

I hate and love myself so much Severus, that if you asked it of me, I would give her up and pass her to your loving arms. I disgust myself, with what I am, that I feel as if no one can love me, and I do not deserve to have love.

The love I give out is so mingled with hate Severus. I hate and love myself, because of what I am. I hate and love you because of how you treat me, and I hate and love her because of how I cannot resist her innocence.

Every time I touch her, even though we are wed, it feels like a forbidden fruit. It feels like a meeting between Shakespeare's great Romeo and Juliet, and my ugly heart pumps as fast as the young hero's when I feel her bosom pressed against my chest.

I can see the dreamy look that enters your eye when she walks into a room, hips swaying back and forth slightly and arms swinging somewhat at her sides. And I know you love her.

You love her for her loyalty and intelligence and caring nature, and I admit, my feelings are not nearly as pure. I love her delicate features, her fine brow, and square jaw, her dark brown eyes that sparkle when she's figured something out, her long shapely tan legs that brush ever so slightly against mine during mealtimes, her large round breasts that heave somewhat as she inhales, I love the mess of chestnut brown curls on the top of her beautiful head. I admire her determination, and intelligence, but I married her out of lust, not love.

I am jealous when I realize how much happier she could be in your arms. My blood rises to the boiling point and my face I imagine becomes red in hot anger when I here her sigh your name sometimes, in her sleep.

When I ask her if she loves you Severus, this will not please you, she looks astonished and denies it. Sometimes she even insults you. How your heart would ache to hear me say such things aloud! Would you cry, my love, or would masculine pride rule over the judgment of the heart?

You are such a puzzle Severus my love. Your pieces are so intricate that a man with the most skilled of eyes could not put you together. But my wife, and your love, she sees all your pieces, and calmly and quickly puts them together to make you Severus, and does not judge no matter how gruesome the final picture is. She sees good in you, that no one you yourself include have ever seen.

She smiles sadly when she hears news of your life's sorrows I will tell you Severus. She knows of your will and strength and knows somehow you will overcome life's trials. But she knows not of your greatest trial Severus.

And yet how you wish she did! You wish she knew how you long to touch her and spoil her and protect her! But because of me you say nothing, you fear my opposition.

Sometimes I wonder if I truly married her because, she would not be taken any other way. Sometimes I wonder if I took her to spite you my love. I took her to make you heart weep, and your life become bleak as mine did when my first and true love left. Twice he left! You left once. And if you ever wish to be back in my arms you will not be welcome Severus.

I am a married man you know. To hold you as much as my heart longs to, while my body longs to hold hers would be a sin. But, then again, I am already headed towards hell's flames, why should I start to care now? To perform sexual acts with another man, is an unholy crime, and I'm sure that when I die the devil will torment me Severus. Sirius already feels our pain my friend.

But when there is such bliss to be had during our short mortal lives, who cares if they face an eternity of hell's fire? Severus you never were a religious man, so perhaps you do not fear, but I do.

To touch you or Sirius was a sin, but to touch her, even when god has blessed our marriage, seems like the greatest sin of all. Is this because I know and feel guilty that I have stolen another man's chance for happiness? Perhaps.

Perhaps, it is because as responsive as my body is to hers, my body, heart, soul and mine claim and long for the body of another, of you Severus. And perhaps I feel guilty, because I love the man, who loves my wife, who loves me. Oh Severus! What a tangled web we do weave!

We are such an odd triangle of feelings my love! Such an odd triangle. Me homosexual in spirit, bisexual in body. You, you have always been strait, but you were so eager for love that you took it from whoever was willing to give, meaning me. And then there is her, who has always been an outcast, never picking right. She has always loved you, and always will, but she will never be unfaithful to me.

Doesn't it pain you Severus? Pain you to know that until my death your love will belong to me? Doesn't it make you want to scream out in frustration, knowing that if she lives and I die, that you will not have much time to live after me?

Life is so short and you have wasted it Severus, you and your damn pride, it keeps you from acting on feelings, it keeps you from wanting to live, but yet it keeps you alive.

And as she walks in to pour the members of the order coffee, and serve out pieces of birthday cake, I see your eyes light up, if only for a moment Severus. You let down your guards for only a moment, and to no surprise at all what I find is what I have just said.

But if Hermione could for just a moment look into your eyes like I do, if only for a moment remember I say, would our innocent Hermione see all that this old werewolf does? And appreciate for what it is? Love? Most likely not.

So is that why you hide so? Is that why you guard yourself from the one you love? Because your one love wouldn't understand? Of course that's why.

Why do you think I always hide from you?