Behind the Mask

Behind the Mask

You might think you know me, think again. You only know what you perceive of as me. I am not like you; I am an individual. I wear a mask to hide myself from anyone that might hurt me.

You think that I lead a fantastic life, I don't. How would you feel if your parents had been taken from you, before you could begin to live? Do you know where I live? I live in a household of hate. I grew up with everyone hating me. Is that supposed to be a perfect life?

You may think I love my fame. If so, then you're an idiot. For the first ten years of my life I was despised. Then, all of a sudden, I found out that I'm this famous wizard, the Boy-Who-Lived. I've been unpopular all my life, and you just force fame upon me.

You think I enjoy this life. Forget it! My life is totally fucked up! Excuse my words, but that's how it is. If it weren't for Voldemort I would have already committed suicide, to be free from all of this. I can't though, because I'm needed here, to defeat him. When he's gone, then I'll finally be allowed to free myself, and not feel so guilty about leaving the others in danger. Why is all this forced upon me? I can't handle so much pressure.

No one knows how I feel. I try to keep it all locked up inside. If I were to remove the mask that I wear day in and day out they would be devastated. I don't think that they could handle what lies behind it. I've kept it all locked up for so long, I don't think that I can let it out anymore. I've forgotten how.

Do you know what it's like to feel like everyone around you is dying? Like it's all your fault? I'm glad that Sirius and Remus gave me this journal to write in. If it weren't for the journal, I think that I would have either started cutting myself, or have gone crazy.

The only one I feel like I'm betraying with my plans for death is Sirius. He has always been there for me. He is like the father I never had: The one that I can open myself up to the most. He even broke out of Askaban for me. And if I were to just go ahead and remove myself from his life... That's the only thing I would feel guilty about. I...I...I love him, but what is love? I've never experienced it before, how can I know that this is love?

I have long since forgotten what it's like to cry, and to feel happy. What is it like to have a real family, that loves you, and that you love back? The only thing that ever came close to that was what I feel when around Sirius. Is that what it is, or is it something else?

How is it that, although I'm surrounded by others, I feel so utterly alone? Why can't I be like everyone else? Why am I so special? Why can't I have what others take for granted? Why do I feel so cold on my inside? Who am I?

I had better stop writing in here now. The others are starting to stir. Time to put up my mask again, and pretend to be happy and content. Someday I'll leave everything in this world behind, and find peace.

The End