Fool Me Once

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Fool Me Once

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You fooled me once. Shame on you.

There was a sizzling summer those many years ago. Unusual for Britain no doubt, but a welcome contrast to the bitter snow that covered the ground during the long winter. Your parents were going on holiday to Spain for the month. You told them that you hated Spain because the food was too spicy for a British tongue and because you didn't know the language, and they left you in the comfort of your air-conditioned home instead of bringing you along. You owled and begged me to come over, to stay with you while you were alone.

I said yes.

It was fine in the beginning. You and I got along as we did during school when Sirius and Peter were with us. We made the same jokes that we always did, and plotted against those who had chosen not to like us. We swam in the lake that lay less than a mile from where you lived. We took long walks in the evening when the rays of the sun had finally been saturated into the cracked pavement and light winds rustled in the yellowing trees around us.

It was there, in the whispers of evening, that we confided in one another as we turned the corners in your neighborhood. I told you of my troubles at home, the total lack of support from my parents. You in turn told me of your engagement to Lily, a girl from school who I wasn't terribly familiar with. I was more than somewhat surprised; you had never shown great affection for her before and certainly had given no indication that you were in love with anybody, much less Lily Evans. You sighed when I looked confused, and tried to explain that it was kept under wraps for good reasons. You knew that things would be changed amongst the Marauders if they all knew. You told me that you trusted me the most, told me that I was the one who would be best able to deal with the information.

You were wrong. Terribly, terribly wrong. You figured that out as soon as you saw my expression fall. I guess somewhere in the deep recesses of your mind you knew the affection between us was more than the brotherly bond you felt with Sirius and Peter. I had always understood that between us existed a small amount of tension covered by friendly gestures and the people around us. Without the school setting, there was nothing to ease that pressure. Thus the tension grew, threatening to swallow us whole.

I had only a week more to spend with you when the tension finally overtook you. I had been cleaning the dishes (you were an awful host, James Potter) and you came up to me and took my hand. I knew something was going to happen. Between friends flesh contact should elicit nothing; you tanned hand on mine elicited a reaction I couldn't hide. I shivered involuntarily, and dropped the plate from my other hand. The plate shattered into a thousand pieces on the floor.

"Leave it," you whispered, your eyes darker than I had seen them before.

You kissed me. Do you remember that? Do you remember as I leaned in and put my hands on your shoulders and pulled you close? Do you remember the taste of tart lemonade on my tongue as it invaded your mouth? The soft whispers of the air conditioning as your hand held my face to yours? Do you remember as you whispered my name over and over again into the air as I kissed your neck? Do you remember James? Do you?

I do.

You touched me that night after you carried me to your room, touched me in a way that nobody, man or woman, had ever done before. I smiled and you asked my permission, and I said yes as your hands roamed the planes of my body. I let you do what you wanted to me and in return you let me do what I wanted to you. You called out my name the final time you came and I kissed you one last time before I came as well, spilling into your hands and soaking the bed beneath me.

You told me that night that you loved me. Like a fool, I said it back.

I had expected things to be uncomfortable the next morning when you woke up. It was almost awkward because it wasn't so. I had been sitting at the table in my sweats reading the paper when you walked in and kissed me full on the lips. I hadn't been expecting it; I dropped my mug of coffee in surprise as your hand held my head in place. You laughed as you pulled away. I smiled at you and took your hand like lovers in the movies did.

You knew that it wouldn't last. I guess that I did too. We only had a week before holidays ended, and we both knew that I needed to go back to the house I then refused to call my home. But we made the best of it. We spent afternoon trading questions about one another, learning every detail that nobody wants to know. We made careless love in almost every room in the house, defying the engagement ring that stood prominently on your left hand. We went on longer walks outside, ignoring the discourteous people who whispered and pointed at the two boys holding hands and kissing in public.

You told me on that last night that things wouldn't change as much as I imagined they would. You told me that you didn't want to leave Lily, but you wanted me regardless. You loved me, you insisted, and you knew that I loved you too.

I didn't bother to reply with words; you didn't ask me to. I just kissed your temple and shook my head.

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You fooled me twice. Shame on me.

It was the day before your wedding. I had been working in London, trying to separate myself from you despite your pleas. But you never gave up. I was sitting down, writing a letter to my mother and father, when I heard three sharp knocks on my door. Not knowing who it could be, but ever cursed with a curious mind, I opened the door and let my hand slide down the handle as I saw the most beautiful sight.

There you stood, dripping wet from the warm rains that had descended on London. Your black hair was in a state worse than I had ever seen it before, even worse than after Quidditch practice. Your glasses were slightly askew, causing you to squint in my general direction. I sat in my chair and reclined slightly, clearly disturbed by your presence. You moved toward me, your eyes flashing with the same aggression I remembered from those many years earlier.

It was I who kissed you first that second time. I couldn't stand the silence, the looks that transpired between us as you stood in the doorway. I stood up from my leather bound chair and grabbed your arms, not asking permission, just taking what I wanted for the first time in a very long time. You kissed me back and I briefly felt guilty, for I had grown to know and like Lily. But more importantly I had grown to want and to need you and that rendered my inhibitions motionless.

You took me to the hotel where you were getting married the next day. You took me to the honeymoon suite where you and Lily were to lie in together as man and wife the next evening. I cried gently as I thought of her, Lily who had a great understanding of you and me, the girl who would be devastated if she knew what was transpiring between us at that moment. You kissed me, and told me that everything would be alright, and whispered that you loved me.

Like a fool, I believed you again.

It was hurried this time, not like when we were younger. It wasn't explorative touches like before; it was rushed, knowing touches that tried to prove something. Fingers danced across skin that it knew all too well but had been neglected for so long. Eyes wandered hungrily across the planes of skin varnished by age. We sought out one another almost angrily, neither neglecting control nor challenging for it. I cried while you kissed me and you cried when I finally came.

"I love you," I whispered gently, stroking the black hairs out of your sapphire eyes. "I love you so much. Stay with me, James. Please... just stay with me. I love you. I love you."

You got married the next day with a smile on your face.

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I've had a lot of time to think. I spent most of that time trying to figure it all out. Figure us out. Was there ever really an us? Did you ever want there to be an us? Did I ever want there to be an us?

But I guess that it doesn't matter anymore, does it James? It doesn't matter because I'm here and now you're not. You can't be here anymore. You left me, James, you left me all alone. I don't have anything now. All I have is the coat on my back and the grass beneath my feet, the grass that covers your grave. It hurts to say these things here, James, because I know that Lily is next to you, hearing every word I say. Did you ever tell her about us, James? Did you ever tell her that we fucked on your wedding bed? Did you tell her that?

Well now Lily knows. She knows everything now. I hope that knowledge makes you turn in your grave. You took my peace of mind, James Potter. It's gone now, probably never to return. I can't rest without thinking of you, and I hope that you can't have your rest because you are thinking of me. I hope you see me everyday and see the pain I have, the pain you caused, and then feel twice as much.

I was a fool for you, James Potter. I hope you're happy.