Grave Confessions

Remus sat up in bed, his body dripping with cold sweat. The nightmare had come again. He tried to shake off the memory, but the images only became sharper. The way Sirius' body had slowly fallen backwards into the archway. The way his grey eyes had sparkled with disbelief before he disappeared behind the ragged veil. The way Harry had screamed everything he, Remus, had wanted to yell. Remus still had no clue how he had remained so calm; probably for Harry's sake. He had to be strong for Harry.

A month had passed since the memorial service had been held for Sirius at the cemetery. So few people had shown up. It made Remus' heart ache, but most of the world did believe that Sirius had been a Death Eater. Even among the Order, few had been able to come pay their respects. Dumbledore, the Weasleys, Hermione, McGonagall, Hagrid, Tonks, and Harry. Of course Harry. He came alone and left alone, barely speaking to anyone while there.

Remus knew Harry was hurting. As much as Remus himself was hurting. But Remus could do nothing to ease the boy's pain. Remus knew his words would not comfort him at all. If Harry knew the depth of my bond with Sirius, Remus had thought, then he might see that I understand. However, Remus didn't have the courage to tell Harry something so personal.

Almost every day after work, Remus would find himself at the gravesite. He knew Sirius wasn't there, in spirit or body, but he still felt drawn to the place. The large black headstone finely carved with Sirius' name would pull his eyes. His fingers would trace the sunken words.

Sirius Black

Padfoot

1960 - 1996

Forever in our hearts

Tears would fall more fiercely as his fingers would graze the indented word "Padfoot." Dumbledore had given Remus permission to have Sirius' old nickname engraved on the stone. Remus knew he could never thank the Headmaster enough for granting this request. It made the shame burn more, though. The fact that Remus hadn't had enough money to buy the gravestone, or the plot of land. Dumbledore had paid for everything. Even in death, Remus couldn't provide for Sirius.

Life continued. Work with the Order became more demanding. Dumbledore always made sure that Remus didn't have too much to deal with, at least for the time being. Remus almost wished he did have a lot of work to focus on. It would help lessen the overwhelming sense of emptiness.

"Take time to grieve, Remus," Dumbledore had said at the memorial. "We'll be able to manage for awhile without you."

Remus had taken the next day off from work, but showed up the following day. The Order needed as much help as possible. Strong. He needed to be strong. For Harry. For the Order. It seemed as if Remus was always going to take second place in his own life.

Alone in their bedroom, though, Remus let the tears fall. Harry was not here. He had no reason to be strong here. He could cry, he could yell, he could vent his anger. Still, it would not bring Sirius back. Nothing would bring Sirius back. The thought made Remus whimper; his sobs increased. Alone in their room in the early morning light, he was able to be weak. He was able to be himself. He took what comfort he could in that. It would have to last him quite a while.

Wiping away stray tears from his cheeks, Remus stood from the bed. It seemed so much bigger than it did just a few weeks previous. Of course, then it had seemed too small. An unbidden smile formed on Remus' lips as he remembered Sirius' constant muttering, "You're hogging the covers, Moony." Or, "Move over, Remus," followed by a jab of Sirius' elbow. Most often, though, Sirius would say, "Come closer." Remus' smile deepened as his eyes started to water yet again.

With a shake of his head, Remus pulled himself away from the bedroom and into the shower. He remained motionless as the warm water ran over his numb and shaking body. He didn't know how long he remained in the shower--time seemed so irrelevant lately--but when he emerged, his skin was all wrinkled. He dried off and dressed without much thought. It was all just a routine now.

Remus exited number twelve, Grimmauld Place. Though it held many memories of Sirius, Remus couldn't bring himself to leave the horrible house. Many times he thought of retreating to his dingy flat, but it also was a haven of memories. Anywhere he went, Sirius would be in his thoughts, so there really was no reason to leave Grimmauld Place. Not while the sheets on the bed still smelled of Sirius. Not while the books on the desktop still had Sirius' bookmarks in them. Not while the cup on the nightstand was still filled with Sirius' favorite tea.

Once again, Remus made the long trek to the gravesite. He fell to his knees beside the headstone, dirtying his clean robes, but he hardly noticed. His fingers caressed the smooth stone and the familiar sunken words, almost as if it were Sirius himself. Remus closed his eyes tight and tried to imagine it was Sirius beside him. That Sirius wasn't dead. That he would suddenly appear out of nowhere, laughing. Then he'd take Remus in his arms and kiss him like before. Everything would be all right. Things could go on as if nothing had changed.

"Professor Lupin?"

Remus sat up strait and turned towards the voice behind him. Harry stood there, dressed in clothes that looked far too big for him. His black hair was sticking up at odd angles, just like just like his father's had done. His glasses, slightly askew, were highlighting his emerald eyes, which looked sunken and hollow. Suddenly self-conscious, Remus wiped his face and stood to his feet.

"Hello, Harry. What are you doing here?"

Harry took a few steps forward but kept his eyes on the ground. "I--I went out for a walk and just wound up here..."

They both fell silent as they looked at the grave. "Why are you here, Professor?"

Remus sat back down on the grass, Harry sat beside him. "You can call me Remus, Harry. I'm not your professor any longer. And I'm here because Dumbledore gave me the day off."

"I thought things were very busy for the Order now."

"They are. But... well, today just holds so much meaning for me. Dumbledore understood. I really should be working, but I just couldn't. Not today." There was a long silence.

"I miss him, Prof--Remus," Harry said suddenly. Remus looked over at the young man. A stream of tears was falling from his sad, green eyes. "I miss him so much. And no one understands. I have nothing left. Nothing..."

Remus sighed and said, "I understand."

As expected Harry retorted with, "No you don't! I'm so sick of everyone saying that. Dumbledore, the Weasleys, Hermione, you. None of you can understand!"

"Harry," Remus said through clinched teeth, "you can't possibly think you were the only one who had a close relationship with Sirius."

"HE WAS MY GODFATHER!" Harry yelled.

"HE WAS MY LOVER!" Remus shouted right back.

That wiped the expression right off Harry's face. It was replaced by a look of confusion and shock. Remus took a deep, calming breath before continuing. "Yes. He and I were lovers. Have been since Hogwarts. And I lost him for twelve years while he was in Azkaban. Twelve years. Miraculously, when he was freed, the love we shared was still intact. We were able to piece back together the torn fragments of our friendship and our love. I don't think I've ever been as happy as I was that night in the Shrieking Shack. The night he came back to me.

"Then the Triwizard Tournament came up and he had to go to Hogwarts. Live in a cave. I had just regained my lost love, only to loose him again. I know it was selfish of me to think that. Sirius was just trying his damn hardest to protect you. But I couldn't help feeling resentful. I wanted to spend every waking moment with Sirius, now that I had found him again. However, we both knew that when duty called we had to answer. That's how it was in the first war too.

"Then Dumbledore moved us to Grimmauld Place. What a mistake that was. Sure, we were able to be together, but I don't think it was enough for Sirius. Especially since I was gone so much. If I had been able to be there all the time, maybe he would have been able to cope with that house better. But duty called yet again. I was out of the house more often than not.

"Then that day at the Ministry happened. You know, I didn't even try to stop him from going. I knew he wouldn't listen. So instead, I went with him, hoping that while he was protecting you, I could protect him. In the end, I failed. I let Sirius die. I couldn't get there fast enough. I wasn't quick enough to save the love of my life. And now he's gone. Forever."

Remus stopped talking and was momentarily shocked with himself. He couldn't believe he had told Harry everything. Remus quickly wiped his eyes before continuing.

"So you see, Harry. I do understand. More than you'll ever know."

Harry blinked in confusion for a few minutes. Remus knew what was going on in Harry's mind. Since childhood, Remus had been forced to face this same situation: rejection. People always shunned him; turned him away. Mostly, because he was a werewolf. Harry, however, accepted him as a werewolf. But, would Harry accept Remus as his godfather's lover?

"You," said Harry finally, "you've been dating since Hogwarts?"

Remus smiled sadly. "Yes. We got together after our sixth year."

Harry's green eyes sparkled with curiosity, though he still looked a bit bewildered. "How?"

"Do you remember when Sirius said he played a joke on Snape? Involving me?" Harry nodded. "Well, after he did that, I was furious. I refused to speak to him. I wouldn't even look at him. It was horrible, for both of us. But our time apart made us realize our true feelings. We missed each other more than just friends. When I finally forgave him, we were both unable to keep our new feelings hidden. Today is the anniversary of when we started dating. Twenty years."

Taking Remus completely by surprise, Harry put a hand on his shoulder. "Then I guess you miss him more than I do."

Remus shook his head. "No, Harry. I think we both miss him the same. He was the only family both of us had left."

Silence fell as both let their tears fall. Surprisingly, Remus didn't feel self-conscious. In fact, it felt refreshing to have someone to cry with. After awhile, the tears dried. Still, Remus and Harry sat next to each other on the ground beside the grave. Remus didn't want to move. He knew Harry wanted to stay as well. They just wanted to share a moment together. A quiet moment together with someone they both loved.

That night, Remus' dreams weren't as troubling. He knew the nightmares would still come, but at least now he had someone who understood; someone to share the pain with. And that was enough to get him out of bed the next morning.